Introducing Lex20
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Introducing Lex20
Hi I am just new to this forum and am finding it hard with my brother i dont live in the same city, but I am going there for xmas this year.
He is sober and living at home with my parents, several times when he was using he trashed the house and they gave him a ulitimatium but then always let him back in the house never following through.
He doesnt wash a lot and smells really bad. I am taking my baby down at xmas too.
My parents are both nearly 60, and have just accepted my brother. I find it hard to sleep there he snores so loud but they dont help me when i tell them this or ask my brother to do anything about it. He is paying rent.
I just feel uncomfortable when I am around him mum and dad pick up after him and he never apologises if he does something like spill something on the carpet and they dont say anything either.
How can i deal with this ? for my own sanity? they also act like everything he does do eg mow the lawns is amazing and go on and on about it. Shouldnt they treat him the same is everyone else?
posted by lex20 on 11-23-09
He is sober and living at home with my parents, several times when he was using he trashed the house and they gave him a ulitimatium but then always let him back in the house never following through.
He doesnt wash a lot and smells really bad. I am taking my baby down at xmas too.
My parents are both nearly 60, and have just accepted my brother. I find it hard to sleep there he snores so loud but they dont help me when i tell them this or ask my brother to do anything about it. He is paying rent.
I just feel uncomfortable when I am around him mum and dad pick up after him and he never apologises if he does something like spill something on the carpet and they dont say anything either.
How can i deal with this ? for my own sanity? they also act like everything he does do eg mow the lawns is amazing and go on and on about it. Shouldnt they treat him the same is everyone else?
posted by lex20 on 11-23-09
Last edited by Pelican; 11-23-2009 at 03:12 PM.
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family lex20!
I know your parents will be glad to see you and your child during the holidays.
Is there any way you can stay at a motel during the night and limit your time in the home during the day?
I know your parents will be glad to see you and your child during the holidays.
Is there any way you can stay at a motel during the night and limit your time in the home during the day?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 12
My mum prob will tell me not to come down and say i am over reacting....... i think its horrible to them if i dont go
i just feel like its just me who realises what my brother is doing and really want a second opinion are they enabling him and making excuses?
i just feel like its just me who realises what my brother is doing and really want a second opinion are they enabling him and making excuses?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
The truth is a very powerful tool. There is a saying in alanon: "say what you mean and mean what you say but don't say it mean".
When I am in a situation like yours (and I am), I say: "I don't like the way that he takes advantage of you two, I also don't like that he smells and that he makes a mess of your home. I am coming to see you guys but I am only staying XXX days or XXX hours because it make me unconfortable to be around the choas."
If they say that I am over reacting I say, "No I am not. This is the way that I feel and this is important to me." End of discussion.
We all live in the ******** and choas of these types of family problems. If we are not very careful, we get caught up in the whirlwind of their disfunction and become a part of it. I am no longer going to spend time with people that are poison to me. If I really have to be with them, I am cutting the time short.
I overheard a wise old AA once when talking about Christmas say that, "It's just another damned day". What he meant was that we shouldn't let the holidays make us do things that are bad for us or make us be around people who are poison for us.
Good luck.
When I am in a situation like yours (and I am), I say: "I don't like the way that he takes advantage of you two, I also don't like that he smells and that he makes a mess of your home. I am coming to see you guys but I am only staying XXX days or XXX hours because it make me unconfortable to be around the choas."
If they say that I am over reacting I say, "No I am not. This is the way that I feel and this is important to me." End of discussion.
We all live in the ******** and choas of these types of family problems. If we are not very careful, we get caught up in the whirlwind of their disfunction and become a part of it. I am no longer going to spend time with people that are poison to me. If I really have to be with them, I am cutting the time short.
I overheard a wise old AA once when talking about Christmas say that, "It's just another damned day". What he meant was that we shouldn't let the holidays make us do things that are bad for us or make us be around people who are poison for us.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 12
I just have to ask one more thing
even though I am removed from the situation essentially eg I live a 1 hour plane flight away.....is it fair to say it still affects me? i wouldnt be affected if I wasnt go down there. I do doubt myself a lot because my parents tell me he is in a 'good space'. I also feel like because they seem to avoid conflict with him (although I am guessing about this because they are with him 24/7) I am the person who 'makes things worse' because i say it how it is.
Also my mum goes to alanon and other meetings a lot and so uses all these terms on me, 'its not your brother' its the disease...etc etc....also my dads father was an alcohlic and so he feels drawn to help my brother. It must be hard for my parents they are hurting and are torn.
But then I take a big step back and think - you know I feel so upset, sick and uncomfortable my feelings are valid I have a family (husband, baby and one on the way), my family are doing what they feel they need to do so now its my turn to grow some confidence and do what I need to do for my family........
even though I am removed from the situation essentially eg I live a 1 hour plane flight away.....is it fair to say it still affects me? i wouldnt be affected if I wasnt go down there. I do doubt myself a lot because my parents tell me he is in a 'good space'. I also feel like because they seem to avoid conflict with him (although I am guessing about this because they are with him 24/7) I am the person who 'makes things worse' because i say it how it is.
Also my mum goes to alanon and other meetings a lot and so uses all these terms on me, 'its not your brother' its the disease...etc etc....also my dads father was an alcohlic and so he feels drawn to help my brother. It must be hard for my parents they are hurting and are torn.
But then I take a big step back and think - you know I feel so upset, sick and uncomfortable my feelings are valid I have a family (husband, baby and one on the way), my family are doing what they feel they need to do so now its my turn to grow some confidence and do what I need to do for my family........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 12
So I talked to my mum about how i felt she said she cant help me, that i need to move, she sees how I be really cold to my brother and he knows and it hurts him. Maybe I should rethink about seeing them at xmas time.
Also they have been noticing my attitude for a long time wtf!!! its really upsetting whe!! i thought at least my mum would be able to understand?
Also they have been noticing my attitude for a long time wtf!!! its really upsetting whe!! i thought at least my mum would be able to understand?
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry that your mother did not understand your point. You were trying to share your feelings with her, but did not get the response you hoped for, right?
You mentioned that your mum goes to Alanon meetings. Have you tried Alanon for yourself. Different community, different group. You have been affected by your brothers addiction, therefore, you qualify for Alanon. It is a 12 step based support group for friends and family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking).
You will learn some skills to help you in dealing with your family.
Going to visit your family at Christmas should be a joyfilled, loving experience. If it will cause you anguish and discomfort, then you don't have to visit. This is your Christmas with your new family. Spend it as you choose.
Sometimes we have to detach with love from toxic family members. It is not that you are trying to be unkind to loved ones and hurt their feelings. You are simply looking at your own life realistically and objectively.
You mentioned that your mum goes to Alanon meetings. Have you tried Alanon for yourself. Different community, different group. You have been affected by your brothers addiction, therefore, you qualify for Alanon. It is a 12 step based support group for friends and family members of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking).
You will learn some skills to help you in dealing with your family.
Going to visit your family at Christmas should be a joyfilled, loving experience. If it will cause you anguish and discomfort, then you don't have to visit. This is your Christmas with your new family. Spend it as you choose.
Sometimes we have to detach with love from toxic family members. It is not that you are trying to be unkind to loved ones and hurt their feelings. You are simply looking at your own life realistically and objectively.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: miami
Posts: 3
When I visit relatives, I try to keep in mind that it is their home and they have the right to set limits on what they will or will not accept.
I have the right to be politely honest about what I can't tolerate. I have the right to limit my visits if their home is unpleasant or unsafe.
But in the end, in order to have peace of mind, I need to accept my family's right to make their own choices. I also have the right to make choices of my own.
In recovery, we try to practice unconditional love to all. The minimum of unconditional love is respect. Although some of my relatives behavior is unacceptable to me, practicing respect make me feel better about myself, it makes my relatives feel better about me. It will also avoids harming my relative's attempt to achieve sobriety.
I have the right to be politely honest about what I can't tolerate. I have the right to limit my visits if their home is unpleasant or unsafe.
But in the end, in order to have peace of mind, I need to accept my family's right to make their own choices. I also have the right to make choices of my own.
In recovery, we try to practice unconditional love to all. The minimum of unconditional love is respect. Although some of my relatives behavior is unacceptable to me, practicing respect make me feel better about myself, it makes my relatives feel better about me. It will also avoids harming my relative's attempt to achieve sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 12
Gosh have thought about all that is said for so long.......... i have realised there a bigger issues at work here as well. Esp to do with my parents they are loving people but feel a need to assert a sense of control and cant control my brother so this is ten fold on me.
What does annoy me is the constant praise of my brother oh he is doing well, oh he is very smart, wow look how good he is with your baby. It is relentless praise.
My mum and dad have major relationship problems and my brother is the glue holding them together, my mum is extremely opinionated and doesnt like being told she is wrong. My dad is the other way very soft and just accepts things all the time, he doesnt fight for anything.
I have realised i need to take a break from this but they cant seem to accept this, and do call all the time, when I have told them I need a break.
I know there is worry as a parent but this is bullying and a form of control.
What does annoy me is the constant praise of my brother oh he is doing well, oh he is very smart, wow look how good he is with your baby. It is relentless praise.
My mum and dad have major relationship problems and my brother is the glue holding them together, my mum is extremely opinionated and doesnt like being told she is wrong. My dad is the other way very soft and just accepts things all the time, he doesnt fight for anything.
I have realised i need to take a break from this but they cant seem to accept this, and do call all the time, when I have told them I need a break.
I know there is worry as a parent but this is bullying and a form of control.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
