How do I convince him his drinking is damaging our marriage and our kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 1
How do I convince him his drinking is damaging our marriage and our kids?
My husband, who is 35, unemployed, and suffers from bipolar disorder, is a heavy drinker and, I'm quite sure, an alcoholic. He weighs approximately 400 pounds (down from his max of 564, but up from the 300 he hit after gastric bypass in 2000). He drinks anywhere from 12 to 30+ beers a day (I wish I was exaggerating). We have two small children (5 and 2 years old). No matter what I say, what statistics I quote about children of alcoholics being at risk for maladaptive behaviors, depression, anxiety, etc., or how often (or how gently) I tell him his drinking is harming our marriage, his health, our financial situation (he spent over $1,500 in alcohol in the past 3 months despite not having a job), and our children's possibility of having a happy, healthy future, he refuses to stop or even slow down his drinking, let alone seek treatment. He uses his high level of stress (mainly from his unemployment and our rather dire financial state, not to mention the state of our marriage) as an excuse to drink, even though he's been drinking like this (at times slightly better, at times worse) since around 2004. He is a highly manipulative person and makes life extremely difficult for me as it is, so I know if I chose to divorce him, he would make my life a living hell. I'm sure I would get custody of the children based on his behavior, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't fight me tooth and nail simply out of spite. Worse, he might run off with the kids or do something even more drastic (you see it in the news all the time). I have no idea what to do, where to turn, or who to talk to. At this rate, how long will it likely take before he damages his body beyond repair? Maybe I can scare him into quitting or even toning it down. What other options do I have? I do love him and would rather not divorce him, but can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point. I would appreciate any and all suggestions.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Why do you want to stay with him, aside from the fear of "a living hell"? What are you getting out of the relationship? Do you really want your children to grow up in the same home with a man that you feel, "might do something more drastic." That's scary.
I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. I'll tell you, from personal experience, growing up with an alcoholic father is a living hell.
Living with an alcoholic is a living hell.
You won't convince him of anything. He's an alcoholic. You can only change you.
Hang in there and trust yourself!
I'm the adult child of an alcoholic. I'll tell you, from personal experience, growing up with an alcoholic father is a living hell.
Living with an alcoholic is a living hell.
You won't convince him of anything. He's an alcoholic. You can only change you.
Hang in there and trust yourself!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
There is nothing you can do to make him quit or slow down. Believe me, I have tried. My daughter attempted suicide because of all the stress and pain in our household. I asked him what would it take for him to change. Me or another one of the kids attempting suicide? All you can do is work on yourself. Don't cover for him, make him responsible for his own actions. He is the only responsible for his drinking. I used to use his depression as an excuse. No more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
I so understand your plight. Having children with an alcoholic sucks... especially when you have reasons to believe an AH will make things worse for you if you leave. The alcohol makes themm delusional and stress become an excuse to drink when really the stress comes from the drinkiing. I wish I had answers for you. I'm just spending as little time around my AH as possible. Fortunately, my AH is employed so we just leave the house before he comes home from work most nights. The only thing I can suggest is finding fun things to do outside the house as much as possible to make their lives as good as possible... and try not to engage the beast. I know money is tight and makes things even harder. One thing we do is have a weekly movie night at a friends house. There's always the library. I always wonder why it is we have to leave? Why we can't make them go somewhere... a home for drunks or something. I try really hard to make the best of things each day but some days you just gotta give it up and feel sorry for yourself for awhile. So, take it easy on yourself and take it "one day at a time."
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family VenusDoom!
You have found a wonderful resource for yourself with SR. You will find lots of information and support. We're open 24/7 too.
Your original question
How do I convince him his drinking is damaging our marriage and our kids?
The answer: You don't.
In Alanon and here at SR you will learn about the 3 C's of alcoholism:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
The only person you are in control of is yourself. You can learn to take care of yourself and keep your focus on your life. As the sane parent in an alcoholic relationship, you are also protector and provider for the children.
Your marriage partner is an adult and needs to be allowed to take care of himself. That includes dealing with the consequences of his actions.
You are asking how to take charge of his life and get him to do what you want him to do. Would he be able to convince you that his drinking is healthy and that you should join him in getting drunk more often. It could save your marriage and make your children appreciate you more if you would just join in the fun, okay! No, right? You don't want to be told how to live your life and join in something that sounds crazy.
To an alcoholic, the begging, pleading, reasoning and crying sound crazy. He is hearing blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine....
When he starts talking about how the marriage, job market, weight are too stressful to deal with and he needs to drink...I want you to picture the big white AFLAC duck going "quack, quack, quack". That's how we affectionately refer to alcoholic manipulation, denial and lies.
With all the quacking and blah, blahhing, you have a lack of communication. It's very frustrating!
Good news, however, you have found a resource that understands both languages. We understand where you are coming from. We are familiar with your situation. You are not crazy! You are a terrific mom and wife who happens to be married to an alcoholic. Welcome to the family!
Some of the members here also speak Quack! I'm Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'll be glad to help you translate!
You have found a wonderful resource for yourself with SR. You will find lots of information and support. We're open 24/7 too.
Your original question
How do I convince him his drinking is damaging our marriage and our kids?
The answer: You don't.
In Alanon and here at SR you will learn about the 3 C's of alcoholism:
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
The only person you are in control of is yourself. You can learn to take care of yourself and keep your focus on your life. As the sane parent in an alcoholic relationship, you are also protector and provider for the children.
Your marriage partner is an adult and needs to be allowed to take care of himself. That includes dealing with the consequences of his actions.
You are asking how to take charge of his life and get him to do what you want him to do. Would he be able to convince you that his drinking is healthy and that you should join him in getting drunk more often. It could save your marriage and make your children appreciate you more if you would just join in the fun, okay! No, right? You don't want to be told how to live your life and join in something that sounds crazy.
To an alcoholic, the begging, pleading, reasoning and crying sound crazy. He is hearing blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine....
When he starts talking about how the marriage, job market, weight are too stressful to deal with and he needs to drink...I want you to picture the big white AFLAC duck going "quack, quack, quack". That's how we affectionately refer to alcoholic manipulation, denial and lies.
With all the quacking and blah, blahhing, you have a lack of communication. It's very frustrating!
Good news, however, you have found a resource that understands both languages. We understand where you are coming from. We are familiar with your situation. You are not crazy! You are a terrific mom and wife who happens to be married to an alcoholic. Welcome to the family!
Some of the members here also speak Quack! I'm Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'll be glad to help you translate!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by VenusDoom 
No matter what I say, what statistics I quote about children of alcoholics being at risk for maladaptive behaviors, depression, anxiety, etc., or how often (or how gently) I tell him his drinking is harming our marriage, his health, our financial situation (he spent over $1,500 in alcohol in the past 3 months despite not having a job), and our children's possibility of having a happy, healthy future, he refuses to stop or even slow down his drinking, let alone seek treatment. He uses his high level of stress (mainly from his unemployment and our rather dire financial state, not to mention the state of our marriage) as an excuse to drink, even though he's been drinking like this (at times slightly better, at times worse) since around 2004.
Maybe I can scare him into quitting or even toning it down. What other options do I have? I do love him and would rather not divorce him, but can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point. I would appreciate any and all suggestions.
Maybe I can scare him into quitting or even toning it down. What other options do I have? I do love him and would rather not divorce him, but can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at this point. I would appreciate any and all suggestions.
Welcome Venus! You have found a place of support. And boy we can relate. I quoted this and that, if I had a dime for every piece of info I'd give him, I would be rich. I'd read passages from books, or the Internet, I'd preach this, that, the other. Our daughter, his health, his career, our intimacy, read him stats on liver damage, detriments of smoking......have you noticed that none of it works? I recently shared in al anon that when one thing didn't work I'd just move things around and try again. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I'd turn the goddamn thing around and around and it never occurred to me to put down the square peg and pick up the round one! You need to stop worrying about him and what he does, and get about the business of your life and your children. As counter-intuitive as this sounds, it is a saner approach that can give you more peace, even if you're not willing to leave the relationship. Try something different, what do have to lose except a 'living hell"?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Welcome to SR Venus! Pull up a seat and have fun reading...you will get a lot of love, support and information here.
With my husband I learned that when I stopped focusing on trying to convince him of what HE needed to do and started focusing on what I needed in my life to help ME be healthy that I started to reintroduce the concept of sanity to my life.
I learned that my husband, to borrow a quote from someone here, I just can't remember who said it, would find his own way a lot faster without my foot on his neck. I had to turn him over to God, as I know Him, and start paying attention to my own defects of character.
It sounds crazy, I know, because when your spouse is engaging in behavior that you can CLEARLY see is damaging, OF COURSE we think we should point that out to them and they should LISTEN! In reality, that is just a certain path to having an insane and unmanageable life.
I hope you can find an Al-Anon group to attend, so many of us have gained hope in those circles. Suggested reading, for starters, Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More."
Again, welcome. We are glad to have you here.
With my husband I learned that when I stopped focusing on trying to convince him of what HE needed to do and started focusing on what I needed in my life to help ME be healthy that I started to reintroduce the concept of sanity to my life.
I learned that my husband, to borrow a quote from someone here, I just can't remember who said it, would find his own way a lot faster without my foot on his neck. I had to turn him over to God, as I know Him, and start paying attention to my own defects of character.
It sounds crazy, I know, because when your spouse is engaging in behavior that you can CLEARLY see is damaging, OF COURSE we think we should point that out to them and they should LISTEN! In reality, that is just a certain path to having an insane and unmanageable life.
I hope you can find an Al-Anon group to attend, so many of us have gained hope in those circles. Suggested reading, for starters, Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More."
Again, welcome. We are glad to have you here.
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