I'm worried about my future
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 10
I'm worried about my future
today is my last day using I know I said this before but i need to stop it's ruining my life.
i've never been to NA and I don't have a car to get there currently (car should be fixed in a few weeks). I'm also looking for professional help or Outpatient rehab not sure yet but I've still been using until today. It was a serious pot addiction leading to a seroius coke addiction.
But this is why I'm extremely overwhelmed..
my school work is SERIOUSLY suffering. I haven't been doing ANYTHING for most of my classes. I just stopped caring and spent literally 90% of my day seeking to get high.
I'm very stupid for letting my life be destroyed but I'm also very book smart. I want to go to dental school. I'm currently in college who managed to get GPAs of 3.0, 3.4 thus far. I know I have the potential for this career I want .. I just been suffering with weed addiction so long, and now coke. Obviously I can't continue this path if I want to follow my dreams.
So my overwhelming concern is that I just screwed myself over from achieving this right now midsemester. I've been doing very poorly. Is it still possible for me to get into grad school I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to catch up .. I'm going to withdraw hard these next few days and will be miserable. This is very overwhelming. It's hard for me to hit the books and "keep occupied" when I withdraw. I know that sounds pathetic and lazy. I've had the ability to get A's on everything at the beginning of the semester.. but now I'm just ... i don't even know.. I might be depressed. I kinda just want to withdraw from school this semester I don't know if that's the right thing to do but I really need to make it into this grad school to truly follow my dreams and be happy.
My parents are going to be disappointed. They don't know the severity of my addiction. I don't think they understand concepts of serious psychological addiction.. they just think I need to "man up". I don't know what to do. I would be grateful for any advice about my parents-situation plus the school situation.. and just my life and depression in general.
i've never been to NA and I don't have a car to get there currently (car should be fixed in a few weeks). I'm also looking for professional help or Outpatient rehab not sure yet but I've still been using until today. It was a serious pot addiction leading to a seroius coke addiction.
But this is why I'm extremely overwhelmed..
my school work is SERIOUSLY suffering. I haven't been doing ANYTHING for most of my classes. I just stopped caring and spent literally 90% of my day seeking to get high.
I'm very stupid for letting my life be destroyed but I'm also very book smart. I want to go to dental school. I'm currently in college who managed to get GPAs of 3.0, 3.4 thus far. I know I have the potential for this career I want .. I just been suffering with weed addiction so long, and now coke. Obviously I can't continue this path if I want to follow my dreams.
So my overwhelming concern is that I just screwed myself over from achieving this right now midsemester. I've been doing very poorly. Is it still possible for me to get into grad school I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to catch up .. I'm going to withdraw hard these next few days and will be miserable. This is very overwhelming. It's hard for me to hit the books and "keep occupied" when I withdraw. I know that sounds pathetic and lazy. I've had the ability to get A's on everything at the beginning of the semester.. but now I'm just ... i don't even know.. I might be depressed. I kinda just want to withdraw from school this semester I don't know if that's the right thing to do but I really need to make it into this grad school to truly follow my dreams and be happy.
My parents are going to be disappointed. They don't know the severity of my addiction. I don't think they understand concepts of serious psychological addiction.. they just think I need to "man up". I don't know what to do. I would be grateful for any advice about my parents-situation plus the school situation.. and just my life and depression in general.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 862
Apart from all the standard advice, something I noticed about myself is that I was being more assertive, laughing more and devoting more time tapping into primal urges, like cooking the good food I was capable of cooking but was too lazy to do before, having more interactions with people in general and the wimmins. Just try to do things you would generally perceive leisurely or boring and your productivity will come firing back at you eventually. It was partly because of actively doing these things that I feel so super today.
I can "see the good" in any situation, and the good in yours is at least its not opiates and you don't have to carry around spare underwear. Do not ever find yourself mulling over how many pairs of underwear you need to bring to the corner store and back please.
I can "see the good" in any situation, and the good in yours is at least its not opiates and you don't have to carry around spare underwear. Do not ever find yourself mulling over how many pairs of underwear you need to bring to the corner store and back please.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hi again John
You really need to get some help - you can keep this a secret or you can get well - I really doubt you can do both.
Go see the counsellors at school - you will not be the first and you will not be the last - get things sorted so that 1. you can get well and 2. you don't totally crash and burn academically.
If they're anything like they are in my country, they should put you in touch with all the right people.
I think NA is also a great idea - and I think your parents should know too. It's a hard enough fight for any of us - don't go in with one hand tied behind your back, trying to keep this a secret.
D
You really need to get some help - you can keep this a secret or you can get well - I really doubt you can do both.
Go see the counsellors at school - you will not be the first and you will not be the last - get things sorted so that 1. you can get well and 2. you don't totally crash and burn academically.
If they're anything like they are in my country, they should put you in touch with all the right people.
I think NA is also a great idea - and I think your parents should know too. It's a hard enough fight for any of us - don't go in with one hand tied behind your back, trying to keep this a secret.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Dirty Jersey
Posts: 40
The first thing you need to do is admit to your parents how severe your addiction. They will be more helpful than you think. No matter how old you are your parents will always be there to help. Next think about taking a semester off of school. There are things in your life you need to get straight before you can give 100% to school. I know exactly what you are going through the height of my coke addiction was my sophmore year in college. As for not having a car to go to NA, find a ride. Maybe after outting to your parents they will offer you a ride. The good thing about Jersey is that there is always a group near. You need to remember though, you only get out of it what you put in it. Good luck to you, the road to recovery is not an easy one.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I know usually if you call your local NA hotline, they can often arange a ride for you. It is also a nice opportunity to walk into that first meeting with someone you kinda "know", at least for a little while. I know it's hard to make that call, but if you really want to go and change yourself, you will find a way to get there. Take care.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
The worst thing your parents might say or do...isn't as bad as what will happen to you if you don't get and stay clean.
today at meeting people shared, and some were really shocked at how their families reacted and all they've done to help...we do our families and everyone in our lives and communities a favor when we get clean.
Can't get to a meeting? Go to NA meeting locator online, you can get a phone number of someone in your area, someone can probably hook you up with someone who will pick you up and take you. They only keep it if they give it away.
You're doing great...step by step...you'll recover.
today at meeting people shared, and some were really shocked at how their families reacted and all they've done to help...we do our families and everyone in our lives and communities a favor when we get clean.
Can't get to a meeting? Go to NA meeting locator online, you can get a phone number of someone in your area, someone can probably hook you up with someone who will pick you up and take you. They only keep it if they give it away.
You're doing great...step by step...you'll recover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 4
Congratulations on your commitment to get clean. You sound like a very strong young person who is making the right but very difficult choice to get clean. I think you should give yourself credit for this - I've gone deep into the darkness of substance abuse for a long time and it doesn't help to be too hard on yourself, especially right now. I have a couple thoughts for you to consider.
I went through intensive outpatient treatment for alcohol and in my group there were people of all ages with a variety of drugs of choice. I've had 1.5 years now of sobriety and it has been up and down but in general it gets much easier over time. One thing that really stuck with me that the counselor told us in treatment is that you have to tell on yourself. She explained that part of the power of the addiction is related to the secrecy. She constantly stressed the importance of talking - for me this was new.
I know when I decided to let go of the shame I was carrying and started telling my friends why I wasn't at the bar anymore, most of them became a very strong source of support for me. In fact, they actually said things like "congratulations" "good for you!" The same was true with most of my family. I held onto some mis beliefs for a long time such as:
1) I should have enough self control to manage my own life otherwise I'm weak
2) People will reject me
I let it go and went for it. I experienced love and respect for the most part. And you probably will too. You are strong and making the right choice by deciding to get clean. It's much easier to do with support. While I don't believe in all of the AA philosophy, one thing I do know is that at NA or AA you will find people that understand and who will support you 100% and this can make all of the difference.
It is much easier with support and forgiving yourself.
I went through intensive outpatient treatment for alcohol and in my group there were people of all ages with a variety of drugs of choice. I've had 1.5 years now of sobriety and it has been up and down but in general it gets much easier over time. One thing that really stuck with me that the counselor told us in treatment is that you have to tell on yourself. She explained that part of the power of the addiction is related to the secrecy. She constantly stressed the importance of talking - for me this was new.
I know when I decided to let go of the shame I was carrying and started telling my friends why I wasn't at the bar anymore, most of them became a very strong source of support for me. In fact, they actually said things like "congratulations" "good for you!" The same was true with most of my family. I held onto some mis beliefs for a long time such as:
1) I should have enough self control to manage my own life otherwise I'm weak
2) People will reject me
I let it go and went for it. I experienced love and respect for the most part. And you probably will too. You are strong and making the right choice by deciding to get clean. It's much easier to do with support. While I don't believe in all of the AA philosophy, one thing I do know is that at NA or AA you will find people that understand and who will support you 100% and this can make all of the difference.
It is much easier with support and forgiving yourself.
hypercube
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 306
John, I agree with Dee's suggestion: talk to the counselors at your college/university. They will be able to help work out a manageable academic load while you deal with your addiction. Think of it as an illness, no one would expect anyone who is sick to be able to study effectively. Drug addiction is very common in college, they may be able to put you in touch with a support system/program like NA.
I made the Dean's and Chancellor's Award list at university while dealing with an opiate addiction, so it can be done and you're not alone. University became a strong part of my recovery, it was a refuge.
I made the Dean's and Chancellor's Award list at university while dealing with an opiate addiction, so it can be done and you're not alone. University became a strong part of my recovery, it was a refuge.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
John, you might also want to re-read the very thoughtful and helpful responses to your other post(s), I don't have much else to add, there's been a lot of great advice and support shared with you.
If nothing changes, nothing changes..
It seems to me that you're grasping on really hard to the "i'm a horrible addict" deal, and not pursuing the help you need to make your life better. I hope things turn around for you, but that's your choice.
If nothing changes, nothing changes..
It seems to me that you're grasping on really hard to the "i'm a horrible addict" deal, and not pursuing the help you need to make your life better. I hope things turn around for you, but that's your choice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 862
Windy, as much as I respect and live your delicious "JUST SAY NO" chicken-brain theorum, I feel as though you could contribute a lot more. I'll tell you one thing though, you're the coolest person I ever sawed on the internet, this is coming from a messianic genius who is half your age, so that should fire your ego up into the stratosphere. You might even start liking the hip-hop as I recently have. This is how I express respect, just so there's no confusion <3
Big Idiot Man Child
Join Date: May 2004
Location: La
Posts: 5,664
Originally Posted by Vintersemestre 
Windy, as much as I respect and live your delicious "JUST SAY NO" chicken-brain theorum, I feel as though you could contribute a lot more. I'll tell you one thing though, you're the coolest person I ever sawed on the internet, this is coming from a messianic genius who is half your age, so that should fire your ego up into the stratosphere. You might even start liking the hip-hop as I recently have. This is how I express respect, just so there's no confusion <3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Terminus, GA
Posts: 522
YoungJohn,
Studies suggest that certain parts of the brain that are involved with judgement don't fully develop until the mid-20's.
It is difficult to take an objective personal inventory at any age, but even more so at yours.
My read is that you've got some underlying issues that need work. The key is to find competent & caring professionals to help you on your journey.
It may be a good idea to take a hiatus from school (I regret that I didn't and consequently didn't get much out of the experience -- what a waste) Your college counselor can help you with that decision.
Make an appointment with a psychiatrist or other pro to try to understand what is propelling you in the directions that you don't wish to go. Treat the underlying depression. Take time to heal and grow and you will get tons more out of the college experience - and from life in general.
Good luck!
Buzz
Studies suggest that certain parts of the brain that are involved with judgement don't fully develop until the mid-20's.
It is difficult to take an objective personal inventory at any age, but even more so at yours.
My read is that you've got some underlying issues that need work. The key is to find competent & caring professionals to help you on your journey.
It may be a good idea to take a hiatus from school (I regret that I didn't and consequently didn't get much out of the experience -- what a waste) Your college counselor can help you with that decision.
Make an appointment with a psychiatrist or other pro to try to understand what is propelling you in the directions that you don't wish to go. Treat the underlying depression. Take time to heal and grow and you will get tons more out of the college experience - and from life in general.
Good luck!
Buzz
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Middle of MO
Posts: 666
For addicts, things like willpower, firm decisions not to use (the pledge), or any kind of "deal" with ourselves or others never work. As long as we entertain the thoughts that our problems originate anywhere but from within, we are headed for disaster. You've gotten some good advice, and now the ball is in your court. Recovery doesn't require that you have a car, or money, or any other material thing. All it takes to get started is some willingness.
A call to a help line would be a good starting point, along with another to the AA or NA answering service. There are always people who will be more than happy to give you a ride to meetings and help you anyway they can. No one expects any payment, they are doing it to help you...and themselves. Inpatient or outpatient programs may well be helpful, they all have intake people who can speak to you (confidentially) and offer advice about your options. All you have to do is pick up your phone!
A call to a help line would be a good starting point, along with another to the AA or NA answering service. There are always people who will be more than happy to give you a ride to meetings and help you anyway they can. No one expects any payment, they are doing it to help you...and themselves. Inpatient or outpatient programs may well be helpful, they all have intake people who can speak to you (confidentially) and offer advice about your options. All you have to do is pick up your phone!
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