Why can't I move on?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 20
Why can't I move on?
Hello Everyone,
I was dating a man who I met through my work who seemed in the beginning to have it all together. He told me that he didn't drink and was sober for about a year. I myself am an alcoholic in recovery and have been for quite some time now. I work two programs and attend meetings regularly.
I think he really was trying to keep it together and thought that my positivity would rub off on him. We had a good time for a short while and I thought this was it and jumped in head first so to speak and fell for the guy. He did the same or so I thought. There was many promises and much talk about our future. Oh and this was my first sober relationship - how ironic eh to meet up with another alcoholic! Grrr! I thought I was done with booze.
Well it did not take me long to see that even though he was not drinking he still was displaying addictive behaviour - self pity, negative thinking and so on. Then he drank. He expressed to me that he was out of control and had a problem and that he went back to AA. He only ended up going to like two meetings as his excuse was they were so depressing there! I go to them for goodness sakes and he knew that. So silly me I gave it another go after expressing to him that I could not be (considering I am a former boozer and grew up with an alcoholic father) with him and that second time was horrible. I was constantly worrying and wondering when he was going to drink again. He would hide it - but I always knew however I think I was in denial myself for a while. Because I knew he really was not doing what he needed to do to stay sober. That of course was short-lived as he could not do it any longer and he knew he could not drink while with me. I was a buzz kill so to speak! So it ended. I did call shortly after our last conversation which he expressed that he is drinking and doesn't know what to do. Of course he said the intensity of our relationship was making him drink! LOL! I told him to get help/treatment etc and he never returned the call.
He is a good man who is very sick. He knew he had a problem but really he was still in denial because he was still drinking. He of course always felt no on understood - and I was like I have been where you are!!!!!! I know the darkside so let me help you. But at the same time he never asked me for help which means he didn't really want it. He has not found his bottom yet.
So my question is why am I still thinking about him? Why can't I just move on? It has been 3 months since I spoke with him. Lately I have been really fighting picking up the phone to contact him. I read co-dependant no more and learned a great deal from this experience. It is funny because I was determined to not live the life my mother lived with an active alcoholic...and here I am thinking about an alcoholic! I know he is not healthy for me. It has got easier since 3 months ago but I still think about him everyday. Do I contact him to see how he is doing? My gut is saying no. But I guess I think oh well maybe he is getting better. Maybe I can help him. I am a compassionate gal and I still care.
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be helpful and you don't need to sugar coat it!!!!
Love Jenn
I was dating a man who I met through my work who seemed in the beginning to have it all together. He told me that he didn't drink and was sober for about a year. I myself am an alcoholic in recovery and have been for quite some time now. I work two programs and attend meetings regularly.
I think he really was trying to keep it together and thought that my positivity would rub off on him. We had a good time for a short while and I thought this was it and jumped in head first so to speak and fell for the guy. He did the same or so I thought. There was many promises and much talk about our future. Oh and this was my first sober relationship - how ironic eh to meet up with another alcoholic! Grrr! I thought I was done with booze.
Well it did not take me long to see that even though he was not drinking he still was displaying addictive behaviour - self pity, negative thinking and so on. Then he drank. He expressed to me that he was out of control and had a problem and that he went back to AA. He only ended up going to like two meetings as his excuse was they were so depressing there! I go to them for goodness sakes and he knew that. So silly me I gave it another go after expressing to him that I could not be (considering I am a former boozer and grew up with an alcoholic father) with him and that second time was horrible. I was constantly worrying and wondering when he was going to drink again. He would hide it - but I always knew however I think I was in denial myself for a while. Because I knew he really was not doing what he needed to do to stay sober. That of course was short-lived as he could not do it any longer and he knew he could not drink while with me. I was a buzz kill so to speak! So it ended. I did call shortly after our last conversation which he expressed that he is drinking and doesn't know what to do. Of course he said the intensity of our relationship was making him drink! LOL! I told him to get help/treatment etc and he never returned the call.
He is a good man who is very sick. He knew he had a problem but really he was still in denial because he was still drinking. He of course always felt no on understood - and I was like I have been where you are!!!!!! I know the darkside so let me help you. But at the same time he never asked me for help which means he didn't really want it. He has not found his bottom yet.
So my question is why am I still thinking about him? Why can't I just move on? It has been 3 months since I spoke with him. Lately I have been really fighting picking up the phone to contact him. I read co-dependant no more and learned a great deal from this experience. It is funny because I was determined to not live the life my mother lived with an active alcoholic...and here I am thinking about an alcoholic! I know he is not healthy for me. It has got easier since 3 months ago but I still think about him everyday. Do I contact him to see how he is doing? My gut is saying no. But I guess I think oh well maybe he is getting better. Maybe I can help him. I am a compassionate gal and I still care.
Thanks for reading. Any advice would be helpful and you don't need to sugar coat it!!!!
Love Jenn
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Meeko 
Do I contact him to see how he is doing? My gut is saying no.
That would be my advice. And do the work necessary to move on.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi Jenn,
Welcome to the Family!
You will find lots of support, information and wisdom here. Please read and post as much as needed.
I don't have the answers for you. I can ask you some questions that may help you uncover the answers for yourself. My questions are from my own experience.
You are in recovery, you know the program. I have a question for you based on what you shared in your post:
Maybe I can help him. I am a compassionate gal and I still care.
And this: He of course always felt no on understood - and I was like I have been where you are!!!!!! I know the darkside so let me help you.
I too understand what he meant and know that you could have helped him, if he asked for your help. This is my question to you: Should you be the one to help him?
I am a recovering alcoholic too. I got sober and began recovery, but my husband continued in his alcoholism. I eventually filed for divorce. He got sober after I filed for divorce. He came to me for help. I told him I could not be his sponsor and I could not be the one to help him. I could support him and encourage him in his recovery, but I had to focus on my own recovery and let him find his own support system.
You can still love him, encourage him and pray for him. Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings?
We have some double winners (members who have worked the steps of AA and then worked the steps of Alanon) here at SR. Both programs offer tools for life.
Welcome to the Family!
You will find lots of support, information and wisdom here. Please read and post as much as needed.
I don't have the answers for you. I can ask you some questions that may help you uncover the answers for yourself. My questions are from my own experience.
You are in recovery, you know the program. I have a question for you based on what you shared in your post:
Maybe I can help him. I am a compassionate gal and I still care.
And this: He of course always felt no on understood - and I was like I have been where you are!!!!!! I know the darkside so let me help you.
I too understand what he meant and know that you could have helped him, if he asked for your help. This is my question to you: Should you be the one to help him?
I am a recovering alcoholic too. I got sober and began recovery, but my husband continued in his alcoholism. I eventually filed for divorce. He got sober after I filed for divorce. He came to me for help. I told him I could not be his sponsor and I could not be the one to help him. I could support him and encourage him in his recovery, but I had to focus on my own recovery and let him find his own support system.
You can still love him, encourage him and pray for him. Have you thought about attending Alanon meetings?
We have some double winners (members who have worked the steps of AA and then worked the steps of Alanon) here at SR. Both programs offer tools for life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My situation was similar to yours. For me no contact is easiest....but hard. I still love him but I am seeing the reality of it. Like having a racecar with no engine in it. He is losing everything. I have even come to the reality lately that he may die from his choices. Sad. Let go or be dragged. We are not alone and I am grateful for SR.
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