nothappy

It's been about 10 days since I started taking my boys out every evening so we don't have to be around their drunk dad when he comes home from work. Karate classes, movies with friends, organized games at game shops... it's worked out fairly well so far. Limited fights when I get home but the boys go staight to bed so at least they aren't being exposed. We got home tonight and there was an empty vodka bottle on the living room floor. He doesn't drink in front of us and I usually only find the empty bottles out in the recycling or hidden in the garage. The deal when I came hope when he promised to get sober a few years ago was that our boys would grow up in an alcohol free house. I was pi$$ed off when I saw the bottle sitting there. AH was sleeping upstairs. I marched up the stairs, turned on the light, woke him up, showed him the bottle and told him it didn't belong in my house. I'm not sure if I would have done it if I wasn't tired and grumpy when I got home. I'd been out too late because I promised to give someone a ride home who kept us out an extra hour and a half past our bedtimes... without so much as a thank you for the ride. Anyway, I'm glad I was tired and grumpy and marched upstairs and woke AH up and told him to keep his vodka bottles out of my house. I've been walking around, trying to stay in the present, pretending everyting is fine even when AH is a jerk the night before... It felt good to, in the present, wake him up out of a sound sleep and make a clear statement.

I sound so tough. I'm really not. If I told you about the two arguments we did have this week, you'd be horrified to hear what I put up with. But I'm too tired now. Maybe tomorrow.

KeepPedaling

Hi. That sounds so horrible. I remember I used to be sooooo soooo pi$$ed at my dad when he drank. I used to dump out his bottles of whiskey (which really made him mad). That was a million years ago though. I never dated an alcoholic until recently. I swore I never would. He was sober two years and relapsed the other day. Anyway, I just got on this site the other night. I read a lot of posts. Everyone kept talking about this book, "Codependent No More." Since I haven't been sleeping lately, I bought the audiobook and have been listening to it. I couldn't BELIEVE how many of those symptoms I still have. I used to have a lot more. Reading your post though, I think if you haven't read it, you should. It's made me feel a lot better. Relieved.

It sounds like you're an amazing mom. It sounds exhausting what you're doing, but I get why.

I hope things get better soon.

naive

hi nothappy-

and if you come home again and there is another vodka bottle on the floor, what will you do?

it might be worth your while to consider your boundaries. alcoholics can see through idle threats and it is best to not make them, as it only increases their foothold when we make them and don't follow through.

for those who chose to stay with their alcoholic, the only *success* i have seen is when they permit the alcoholic to get on with their drinking, without the resistance. and the other spouse gets on with their life.

so, that gets us back to boundaries. what are yours? from what you have said, no drinking in the house is one of them. so, a boundary would go like this:

if you drink in the house, i will __________________.

and then do it!

we have all learned here (the hard way) that threatening, begging, pleading, crying don't work with an alcoholic. it really goes nowhere.

so, i would encourage you to reflect on what your boundaries are.

naive

nothappy

Yeah, I know not to make threats I can't back up. I never threaten to leave but years ago, he crossed the line one time too many and I took the boys on three week vacation with no contact to consider my options. I'd resigned myself to the fact that it was time to talk to a lawyer when I finally talked to him. That's when I told him I wanted my children to grow up in an alcohol free house. He said he'd get sober. Started going to AA and when that didn't go well he went to cognitive psych group meetings for alcoholics. They convinced him to go on antiabuse and he did get sober. He was truely sober for a year. Then he switched to prescription medication. Then he started having difficulty getting his hands on the prescription meds. Then the slippery slope started (over a year ago) and the last few weeks his behavior has been pretty bad.

The boys and I leave in a few weeks. We'll be staying in the mountains for 4 months while the boys compete on a ski team. AH will only be visiting on weekends. That's as far as I can plan for right now. I'm just trying to make the best of things, keeping the boy out of AS's line of fire, etc.