Threshold

I know, if nothing changes...nothing changes. So I've been staying aware of addictive behavior and triggers in my life other than my main and obvious ones so that I don't jeopardize my recovery.

And I've been wistful about a few, but mostly dropping them out of my life hasn't been that big a deal...but there is an area that I am REALLY unhappy about...music.

I got sober this spring...stopped using, only to lose it all after attending a NIN concert. Nope, I didn't ingest a single drug or take a single sip of anything, the music itself is like a drug for me...I can totally lose myself in it, totally identify with the strong emotions...I FEEL like I am high...just letting myself get into the music. Indeed, my grown sons who were with me said I looked and acted high, and reported the same to my husband. And I felt high, totally understood, safe, blissed out, mellow, and superior...I get high because it makes me feel like I "get" life and reality at a higher level than the rest of the morons on the planet.

I have a lot of music in my collection that serves this same function for me, and I know what a trigger it is. A day or two after that concert, when life got uncomfortable...I recalled that feeling...and said "F it!" I wanted it back, and I used...and my world came tumbling down.

Having to go without all that music, that has gotten me through so much (yeah, I know...justifying, making excuses...but hey,music DOES help) makes me so angry. I get that I can't use all those other substances and behaviors. I am willing to let them go, but come on...this just seems needlessly cruel. Sick, unfair.

I am soooo p*ssed about this. I'm like...what the heck, why don't you just take my firstborn too

I like Supertramp...don't get me wrong, but it's just not Pink Floyd, or Marilyn Manson...When I'm cooking dinner...I like to put in some Linkin Park and get my angry going...and have a shot or two....sigh...

I like to play my music loud, while I drive and totally lose myself in it, but then I get home, have to face reality and need a little somethin somethin to get me through...I know it's a huge trigger for me.

I understand that some people can't drink, some people can't drug, some people can't eat cake and stop after one slice, etc etc. I accept that I am one of those some people's and have just said no...but I'm finding it harder to accept that some people...or at least ME...can't frickin listen to the music they like without going to the bad place.

That just feels so ridiculously unfair.

I am listening to books on tape, religious talk shows, even frickin public radio to keep myself from popping in an inappropriate CD, blissing out and saying "F it all" and going back to using.

I HATE this more than anything.

And frankly the Just For Today isn't helping much with this one.

Living without my music, I feel very lonely and isolated

Stagebear

May I respectfully suggest that this may not be a forever thing?

I recognize that all triggers must be avoided early in recovery. But you may find later that the music takes on a different dimension for you as being sober becomes more "normal' for you than using ever was.

Another option is to try to find others in recovery who enjoy the same music and share it with them, in a less threatening environment.

Finally, though, as you get stronger and more comfortable in recovery you may begin to tackle those underlying emotions that this music seems to unleash in you, and maybe "getting your angry on" will become less attractive and less necessary.

As addicts, we want what we want when we want it. It's admirable that you've recognized the potential detrimental effect on your life this music currently has you appear willing (albeit reluctantly) to set it aside in favor of your recovery...your family...your life.

Mark75

Ohhhh, do I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel...

Music is huge in my life too, and so much of it elicits thoughts of drinking, or other stuff. Also the whole lifestyle thing.

Maybe you can find a message of recovery in the music? Maybe some of the musicians you like are recovering themselves? Maybe some are dead because they didn't?

I can easily think of examples of both.

I am a little over 14 months... Music has been an integral part of my life since I first remember my first 45 rpm (I'm old....)... Hello Goodbye by the Beatles... I was 8. I am not gonna let recovery come between me and my music.

It hasn't.... But I had to work a program, get recovered.

Did you hear the new one by Lyle Lovett? Like I said, I'm old!!

Mark

Oh... BTW, I lived in SC about 30 years ago (oh God, that long, shudder...)... There was a great station in Summerville, above Charleston, WWWZ... 3-WZ... they were awesome... but they changed their format in 1982(?)

change4penny

Every time I was on my way to 'score', I'd always listen to Motley Crue....I can no longer listen to them......It's too much of a trigger for me. Those days hold no happiness for me, only bad memories, so why WOULD I listen to that?

Sugah

Are you looking to the steps as part of your recovery? Because, if you are, you might find it's not the music itself but your response to it. I don't mean enjoying music, finding relaxation in it and feeling good listening to it -- but rather the anger and ego that's wrapped up in it. That's in you, not in the music.

What happens? Turn the music off, and that feeling of superiority isn't recognized by the rest of the world. Nobody "gets" you anymore? I can totally understand that response. I had to find a means of connecting with the world, no better or worse than anyone else in it, not separating myself from the world, which is what drugs did for me.

I don't know that I believe in triggers, at least not the way we talk about them -- as though they're to blame for our using or wanting to use. Music is music. Rude drivers on the turnpike are just that. The boss's bad day belongs to him. There will always be "triggers," and they are benign until we bring our particular kind of blame to them. That's what we've got to work on if we want to live in the world clean & sober.

So...whether it's 12 steps or counseling, if I were in your shoes, I'd be wanting to examine and let go of the desire to feel superior and angry. The problem is on the inside, not in these external "triggers."

Peace & Love,
Sugah

ashleek

I don't know what I would do without music. In early recovery it has saved my life. Now, there are songs that remind me of the bad days, put chills up my back and really make me sick rather than make me want to use.

Find some new music, when I first got sober here is what I listened to..... Kings of Leon, Godsmack-Serenity, Pink-Sober, Disturbed, Breaking Benjamin-I will not Bow....those are some good songs that I could relate to at the time because I will not bow to drugs, how can I feel this good sober, I need serenity and I could use somebody! Those were constantly playing in my ears. When my husband got on my nerves I put the MP3 in my ear, when my grandmother bothered me I put it in my ears. It was my escape.

So, I say try it. Something different because it made me feel that powerful feeling but in a different way. It made me strong against my addiction. If I felt like using I would turn it on and sing to myself that I will not bow to you, I will not break. Just try it.

wanttolive

Hang in there Threshold!. I know for the first week or two I can't listen to any music at all because its a trigger. It seems slowly I start to lose that feeling and now most anything is fine. Still have a hard time with ZZ Top, and Bob Segar for some reason though. I hope it improves for you because I agree music is a big part of life for me. You could throw out the tv but leave the stereo alone (and the computer and the I-Pod)!

CrackQuack

Have you listened to SIXX AM and the Heroin Diaries? It's where I got my quote from and it's GOOD recovery music, with some talk in it. I don't know if it would trigger you or not, but I can certainly relate. I still can not listen to much classic rock (my boyfriend's favorite) or R&B because I used to smoke crack while listening to it ALL THE TIME. And when I'd hear a particular Floyd, Lynard, or even Lil Wayne song, I'd be GEEKING for some crack. I'd even tell my boyfriend to switch to regular rock (Linkin Park type stuff) or talk radio, or turn the damned thing off because it triggered me to want crack. Having cash in my wallet triggered me too.
Almost 10 months later, I CAN walk around with 300 bucks in my pocket (on the way from my birdfair to the bank), and I can listen to ALL types of music again. Once in a while, I get what I call a blip. Or a flashback. I'd hear the song and remember where I was smoking dope, but it lasts about 10 seconds and I am over it.
You too, will overcome. This too shall pass. It's NOT easy. I completely understand. I played instruments all my life and I LOVE LOVE LOVE MUSIC! I had to do without some of my favorite stuff for a while, but I didn't have to do without completely. I am sorry you are such a rough point. Maybe try listening with other addicts (with lots of clean time!)and have them help you through the tough parts? Or try SIXX AM. I love most of the songs on there. Great recovery CD. Carries a good message.
Or try putting something else in your mouth. Gum, pop, water, sweets.. Or do a really hard puzzle?
Do you have a sponsor to talk to? Maybe talking to them they might have some great suggestions too. That is, if you go to meetings.. IDK if you do or not.
And stop the Just for Today. Tell yourself JUST FOR TWO MINUTES. Try that and see if it helps any...Once the two minutes is up, tell yourself two more. Take it minute by minute or second by second.
Watch court TV or Jacka$$. Or something stupid.. That will make you laugh. More importantly, keep writing down your feelings. Especially in a journal. Something to read later, when you're feeling better. You can look back and see how far you've come. :ghug3

change4penny

There are just some triggers that I'm having to learn to live with. Just today, my husband and I were going to Charlotte and every road we went down, I'd see places where I'd meet my dealer. It literally hurt my stomach to go down these roads. But, like I told him (husband), unless we move to another state, even when I'm 70 years old, I'm still gonna think about what memories or should I say nightmares these streets hold for me. It may get easier, but I'll always remember.

Penny

ElegantlyWasted

Love the name Threshold... Sounds like you're crossing over to something better! Question... Does music act as a trigger? Do you feel compelled to pick up when you really get into it? Do you feel compelled to listen to it at the expense of doing other things you really should do? If not; no problem, I would enjoy as a healhy release. I do the same with exercise. I can also relate in that I can go to bars/clubs now without feeling the urge to slam a couple. I do feel a little edgy at first, but settle in and actually feel as if I have a buzz! Not a bad thing, I've simply relaxed to the point where I can go with the flow. Best of luck, seems pretty harmless; most people myself included have trouble relaxing and having fun early on, yet this is actually healthy IMHO.

Dee74

Luckily there was no question of music being excised from my life - it has been my life since way before I started doing stupid things.

I used to watch a lot of comedy under various influences tho - I had to stop doing that for a time - until I worked out for myself what Sugah suggested - it wasn't the programme triggering me so much as it was me wanting things to be the same old same old....

I did more work - I took apart that simmering resentment and that inner tantrum and saw what I thought was making them tick.

I don't do AA but I figure it's along the same lines.

No problem now
D

Missybuns

with me, it's all about my motives when it comes to music.

Sugah is onto something here....

christin1225

((Threshold)) OMG! It was when I couldn't hear my music in my M3P player that I knew that I had a problem. The addiction got louder in my head than the music that I was playing at near top volume. What's different for me than for you is that my music is strictly Contemporary Christian. Why is my music just Christian? Because I learned many years ago that music had a profound effect on who I am, not just on how I feel or on how I behave. It actually was instrumental (no pun intended) in the formation of who I am. So, twenty years ago, I put aside ALL secular music.

I have to speak to Sugah's comments. She suggests that you may not need to put aside your music, that a program of recovery and/or counseling may do the trick. She may be correct. When I put away my music, I wasn't in a program of recovery. I didn't know that I was an addict. I simply initiated my own program of strict abstinence from pretty much EVERYTHING. (Hey, what do you expect? I'm an addict. It's black and white for me. At that time, I didn't know that I was an addict. I didn't realize that my black and white/all or nothing thinking wasn't healthy). I did what I had to do in order to not do what I didn't want to do.

Now that I know that I'm an addict and I'm going about my addiction/recovery in a whole new way, maybe Sugah is right and I'll be able to incorporate secular music back into my life. I don't know. I have to confess that it doesn't much matter after twenty years. It didn't take very long to come to love the Contemporary Christian stuff. It's really good music. It's not just about God and Jesus and stuff. It's anything with a positive message. I listen to FLN (Family Life Network). It can be heard online. It has more of a pop/country flavor but there are other stations with rock, hard rock, rap.

Christian music is not what it was thirty years ago. It's pretty good. Although the message in the music is what helps to keep my head focused on positive things, the quality of the music has to be good enough to make listening to it speak to me. I've found that the quality is so good that there are actually some songs that if I don't avoid listening to them, the instrumentation can still stir that angry "in your face" "powerful" feel in me -- usually it's when I'm in the car, music full blast, and the opportunity to speed is there. So, I'm not 100% safe listening to this kind of music, but I'm 99% safe.

If you think that you want to try it out, don't turn on a Chritian station and start on a Sunday. That tends to be gospel and more churchy music. You might want to google top Christian artists and listen to some of their stuff online. All I can tell you is that it helped me when I first realized the impact that my music had on me and I didn't know what to do. For me, a life devoid of music that I love is a very distasteful existance. It's one that I would definitely want to escape. Although it took a little getting used to (it wasn't as bad as trying to like vegetables), I'm glad that I did. Today, my music actually improves the kind of person that I am and I enjoy it at the same time.

I just want to say that I think that everyone has experienced this on occasion (if not often). But, be warned, when I've said it aloud, someone usually follows up with, "Well, it will pass." If I've been listening to the "wrong" kind of music for me, I usually want to punch the one who has said it!