I hate him
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I hate him
I never thought I could despise someone so much. I know I shouldn't hate like this, but I hate him. All the pain and disappointment he's caused me. All the lies. All the broken promises. I know I shouldn't be focusing on him, I should be focusing on me...but my anger towards hiim is soooo massive, I don't know how to quiet it down.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know how consuming the anger can be.
I try to focus on the fact that emotions are like passing clouds, they are not permanent. Feel what you need to feel right now, don't supress it, and the hate will fade. Maybe not what you want to hear...
....but I hate when I feel as much pain as you are feeling right now. I can feel it even through the simplicity of your post. So I let myself feel it, and then just know this consuming feeling shall pass.
Deep breaths in, hold it for 4 seconds, then breath out. Do it over over and you will feel yourself start to calm.
BIG HUGS!
I try to focus on the fact that emotions are like passing clouds, they are not permanent. Feel what you need to feel right now, don't supress it, and the hate will fade. Maybe not what you want to hear...
....but I hate when I feel as much pain as you are feeling right now. I can feel it even through the simplicity of your post. So I let myself feel it, and then just know this consuming feeling shall pass. Deep breaths in, hold it for 4 seconds, then breath out. Do it over over and you will feel yourself start to calm.
BIG HUGS!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
I'm reading Codependent No More, and in it, she talks about the grief process. Looking back over the past few months, I can clearly see my stages of grief, and sometimes I relive them again in smaller cycles. She says it's important that we get through the stages and allow ourselves to feel the feelings of each one. Anger is one of the stages. Let yourself feel it. Just don't live there forever. 
For me, personally, writing it all out really helps. Sometimes after I write a hate letter, I can actually feel it all start to diminish.
For me, personally, writing it all out really helps. Sometimes after I write a hate letter, I can actually feel it all start to diminish.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
It's a normal feeling when one realizes all that has been done to them. I'm there with you - have had so much anger towards my X I could have actually done some damage to him!
What I found that helped me dissolve the anger (and as you know anger is only self-disturbing... it is felt BY you) was to set myself some new goals, and concentrate on achieving them. It worked!
I still have "waves" of those hateful feelings - but they don't consume me.
What I found that helped me dissolve the anger (and as you know anger is only self-disturbing... it is felt BY you) was to set myself some new goals, and concentrate on achieving them. It worked!
I still have "waves" of those hateful feelings - but they don't consume me.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Wow...I actually got on tonight after realizing just how much anger I have deep inside. I try to rationalize it, in my head. Almost like I'm giving myself permission to be angry. I do have a right to be angry, at least I think I do. It's what I DO with that anger that makes a difference.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yep, I can totally relate.
I hope you're feeling it and letting it pass. Anger is normal, when I live in it I have to unstuck myself. I do yoga, that works best.
It's also helpful to keep a journal, not only to release the anger but to look back when you're feeling sad or abandoned, which (if you're anything like me) should be marching along soon enough.
I hope you're feeling it and letting it pass. Anger is normal, when I live in it I have to unstuck myself. I do yoga, that works best.
It's also helpful to keep a journal, not only to release the anger but to look back when you're feeling sad or abandoned, which (if you're anything like me) should be marching along soon enough.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
The anger is probably a good thing...in order to change, we have to have a motivator. And I know that anger was the best motivator for me! I was angry at him, and angry at myself for allowing the situation to get to the point that it was at.
I am normally a very strong, outspoken person...even described as spunky...so what the hell did I let this person have control for so long for?
I am normally a very strong, outspoken person...even described as spunky...so what the hell did I let this person have control for so long for?
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
We all have to go through the anger stage before we can get to the "acceptance" stage hun....just breathe okay....I myself was and just now after several years started the acceptance phase.....this too shall pass - eventually.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I'm just fuming with rage and then crying and then fuming again and crying
The cycle goes on and on.
I'd like to talk about the end of a relationship with my partner of four years, but I can't, because it's all my fault apparently and he has done nothing, nothing. I get nothing except a text which says "stop texting me this ****"..(I texted him stupidly to explain how I feel)
I see my part in it for sure. Letting it get this fair. Putting up with things no one should put up with. Not really having REAL deal breakers in the relationship. Not having enough pride in myself
I just got codependent no more. Will start reading when I can stop shaking with rage and then crying...ha
Angry
The cycle goes on and on.
I'd like to talk about the end of a relationship with my partner of four years, but I can't, because it's all my fault apparently and he has done nothing, nothing. I get nothing except a text which says "stop texting me this ****"..(I texted him stupidly to explain how I feel)
I see my part in it for sure. Letting it get this fair. Putting up with things no one should put up with. Not really having REAL deal breakers in the relationship. Not having enough pride in myself
I just got codependent no more. Will start reading when I can stop shaking with rage and then crying...ha
Angry
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I understand exactly how you feel. I've sat here for days considering writing a letter to xabf (that I'm sure I'll do the same thing with that I've done with the rest of them--throw them away). I've even thought about calling him to explain why I'm not talking to him. But really, what would it matter? If after 2 years of begging and pleading and whatnot he hasn't seen that I'm not completely wrong on every last thing then chances are he never will.
I have thought about a lot though. One conversation that doesn't make me too angry but keeps me upset enough to not want to call is this.....
I am single. I have three kids. My ex H decided he didn't want this anymore and he left. But no hard feelings. Frankly, it was a marriage made in emotional hell anyway. Seriously, there came a point in the last few years that looking at him made me sick and I'd get depressed when he came home from work. I moved out of xabf's home about 8 months ago now and have been living on my own. My job is very demanding of me and every three weeks I'm on call...meaning they might call me in to work at 6 in the evening or 2 in the morning. But I have 3 kids, elementary school aged. So at 6 in the evening I have to call anyone and everyone I can to come sit with them. Rent, electricity, gas, phone service, daycare, a loan I took out to help me furnish a new house....things I didn't have when I lived with xabf, run me about $1300 a month. Because of it, my one and only car will be repossessed tomorrow (nice of the bank to at least tell me what day they're coming). I'm not irresponsible, I just don't have another $400 a month for a car payment! Anyway. I made a comment once to xabf that I was considering getting a roommate. There's got to be other single parents out there struggling financially and stressing just like I am. A roommate would help everyone!!! When I mentioned this to xabf he got angry. Said I will NOT get a roommate because HE SAID SO and all I need to do is grow up.
Yet, his sister. Who has three kids. Is living at his house now. He pays the mortgage, the electricity, the phone. He pays for repairs. He does the laundry. He cooks. He cleans. Hell, he gets up and takes them to the bus stop every morning. The kids and everything that comes with them has become HIS responsibility. She does not help in the least bit. He says it's his SISTER and he's doing what he's supposed to do and when she's ready she will get her own place and when she does he'll go over there and help her if she needs it.
But I'M the one who needs to grow up.
It used to make me so angry. Why is it she can live off welfare and child support and "when she's ready" she'll move out. But I am busting my butt working 100+ hours per paycheck and I should just grow up and do it because I laid down with their daddy's.
I tried. I tried everything to get him to listen while I tried to reason with him. And all I learned is that there really is no reasoning with a drunk. As long as I believe in me, then it doesn't matter what he thinks.
I have thought about a lot though. One conversation that doesn't make me too angry but keeps me upset enough to not want to call is this.....
I am single. I have three kids. My ex H decided he didn't want this anymore and he left. But no hard feelings. Frankly, it was a marriage made in emotional hell anyway. Seriously, there came a point in the last few years that looking at him made me sick and I'd get depressed when he came home from work. I moved out of xabf's home about 8 months ago now and have been living on my own. My job is very demanding of me and every three weeks I'm on call...meaning they might call me in to work at 6 in the evening or 2 in the morning. But I have 3 kids, elementary school aged. So at 6 in the evening I have to call anyone and everyone I can to come sit with them. Rent, electricity, gas, phone service, daycare, a loan I took out to help me furnish a new house....things I didn't have when I lived with xabf, run me about $1300 a month. Because of it, my one and only car will be repossessed tomorrow (nice of the bank to at least tell me what day they're coming). I'm not irresponsible, I just don't have another $400 a month for a car payment! Anyway. I made a comment once to xabf that I was considering getting a roommate. There's got to be other single parents out there struggling financially and stressing just like I am. A roommate would help everyone!!! When I mentioned this to xabf he got angry. Said I will NOT get a roommate because HE SAID SO and all I need to do is grow up.
Yet, his sister. Who has three kids. Is living at his house now. He pays the mortgage, the electricity, the phone. He pays for repairs. He does the laundry. He cooks. He cleans. Hell, he gets up and takes them to the bus stop every morning. The kids and everything that comes with them has become HIS responsibility. She does not help in the least bit. He says it's his SISTER and he's doing what he's supposed to do and when she's ready she will get her own place and when she does he'll go over there and help her if she needs it.
But I'M the one who needs to grow up.
It used to make me so angry. Why is it she can live off welfare and child support and "when she's ready" she'll move out. But I am busting my butt working 100+ hours per paycheck and I should just grow up and do it because I laid down with their daddy's.
I tried. I tried everything to get him to listen while I tried to reason with him. And all I learned is that there really is no reasoning with a drunk. As long as I believe in me, then it doesn't matter what he thinks.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
It makes me angry at myself also - what in the hell was I thinking??
I am normally a very strong, outspoken person...even described as spunky...so what the hell did I let this person have control for so long for?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 49
A pretty random thought....
It's a thin line between love and hate - always reminds me of The Pretenders song. Also, as I learned more about alcoholism and my codependent tendencies and what I was willing to put up with, another lyric from an old song that once stumped me really began to hit home. From the Radiohead song Just. You do it to yourself, you do / And that's what really hurts / Is that you do it to yourself / Just you and no one else Those words have meant a lot to me in my journey, and it's weird because I havent heard the song in a long time, but suddenly when I realized that ultimately I alone was to blame for my situation, I thought of them. I was so angry at myself. But when i started to gain knowledge or myself, my situation, and my patterns, I gained understanding and eventually a lot more peace.
These times are hard Normaenstein, but you will feel better with time. Sendin.g hugs and good vibes your way. Trust yourself.
It's a thin line between love and hate - always reminds me of The Pretenders song. Also, as I learned more about alcoholism and my codependent tendencies and what I was willing to put up with, another lyric from an old song that once stumped me really began to hit home. From the Radiohead song Just. You do it to yourself, you do / And that's what really hurts / Is that you do it to yourself / Just you and no one else Those words have meant a lot to me in my journey, and it's weird because I havent heard the song in a long time, but suddenly when I realized that ultimately I alone was to blame for my situation, I thought of them. I was so angry at myself. But when i started to gain knowledge or myself, my situation, and my patterns, I gained understanding and eventually a lot more peace.
These times are hard Normaenstein, but you will feel better with time. Sendin.g hugs and good vibes your way. Trust yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Normaeinstein...I feel your pain, or rather, I feel your hate. I have a little version of it burning deep inside my chest. It comes and goes as I continue to grieve the end of my marriage.
I have also berated and demeaned myself for being fooled, abused and hurt repeatedly for several years by this...man. Me, the supposedly smart university graduate, the career girl, the "nice one"..."DOH"!
I know this probably isn't the healthiest thing, but in the days before I left and after I left my X, my mother and I engaged in a few indepth "b*tchfest" sessions. We'd pull out all the things about XH we HATED, were DISGUSTED by and FRUSTRATED with. There were a lot of "UGH" and "GOD!" uttered! I wrote out lists of "things I won't have to deal with anymore" and "things I can now do". It was an awesome purging process for me.
Also, gotta say, there's NOTHING as effective at getting anger out than directed vocalisation combined with physical activity. As in, get out a punching bag and have at it. If you don't have one, stack some cushions and pillows together, tie them together and go for it. You can even just get into a stance and do some tybo type of moves. Don't flail about mindlessly; repeat a single movement with purpose and direction. It really helps! I learned this years ago by studying karate and kickboxing. Our master would ask us to voice "HA" with every punch and kick. Not that weak yellow belly "ha", but a loud, straight and well-directed "HAAAAAAAAAA!". Rinse, lather, repeat. It feels very silly at first, but man, after a while, you feel energized and the anger starts to become something else: purpose.
I think it's positive and awesome that you're allowing yourself to feel this anger.
I have also berated and demeaned myself for being fooled, abused and hurt repeatedly for several years by this...man. Me, the supposedly smart university graduate, the career girl, the "nice one"..."DOH"!
I know this probably isn't the healthiest thing, but in the days before I left and after I left my X, my mother and I engaged in a few indepth "b*tchfest" sessions. We'd pull out all the things about XH we HATED, were DISGUSTED by and FRUSTRATED with. There were a lot of "UGH" and "GOD!" uttered!
I wrote out lists of "things I won't have to deal with anymore" and "things I can now do". It was an awesome purging process for me. Also, gotta say, there's NOTHING as effective at getting anger out than directed vocalisation combined with physical activity. As in, get out a punching bag and have at it. If you don't have one, stack some cushions and pillows together, tie them together and go for it. You can even just get into a stance and do some tybo type of moves. Don't flail about mindlessly; repeat a single movement with purpose and direction. It really helps! I learned this years ago by studying karate and kickboxing. Our master would ask us to voice "HA" with every punch and kick. Not that weak yellow belly "ha", but a loud, straight and well-directed "HAAAAAAAAAA!". Rinse, lather, repeat. It feels very silly at first, but man, after a while, you feel energized and the anger starts to become something else: purpose.
I think it's positive and awesome that you're allowing yourself to feel this anger.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi norma,
Anger is a natural and appropiate feeling and it was a HUGE STEP FORWARD for me. I was stuck in grief and sadness for months.
When I finally started getting angry at him and myself for putting up with stuff and not standing up for myself, I knew I was getting healthier. I no longer thought abuse was something to be expected. Or that I deserved it in any way. I had moved forward without noticing.
We have all tried to "make them see" and get them out of denial. There is nothing you can do, norma. He will think what he will think. If he takes no responsibility, it is his problem, not yours.
Its like being neighbors. If both got trash infront of your home, on your garden, it is your job to take it out. If the neighbor next to you does not want to take it out or do anything about it, it will just stink more and more, it is not going anywhere. The only thing that matters is that your garden is clean for flowers to grow again.
My suggestion would be to write down everything you want to tell him, everything, then burn the papers. This helped me a great deal, I love that exercise. To acknowledge a thought and feeling, then see how it disappears in the fire.
Hugs!!
Anger is a natural and appropiate feeling and it was a HUGE STEP FORWARD for me. I was stuck in grief and sadness for months.
When I finally started getting angry at him and myself for putting up with stuff and not standing up for myself, I knew I was getting healthier. I no longer thought abuse was something to be expected. Or that I deserved it in any way. I had moved forward without noticing.
We have all tried to "make them see" and get them out of denial. There is nothing you can do, norma. He will think what he will think. If he takes no responsibility, it is his problem, not yours.
Its like being neighbors. If both got trash infront of your home, on your garden, it is your job to take it out. If the neighbor next to you does not want to take it out or do anything about it, it will just stink more and more, it is not going anywhere. The only thing that matters is that your garden is clean for flowers to grow again.
My suggestion would be to write down everything you want to tell him, everything, then burn the papers. This helped me a great deal, I love that exercise. To acknowledge a thought and feeling, then see how it disappears in the fire.
Hugs!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I think anger is heathy if it motivates us forward. How many times have I been angry and just let things stay they same? Hundreds most likely. Anger like we are talking about is showing us that there is something really wrong with our lives.
I have a little over two week before I leave my AH with no forwarding address. I intend to leave a letter; but then that's it. No other contact because I've finally learned that if he hasn't gotten it by now; well I'm wasting my time. If he wants to change he'll do it for him without me. My life's losses and gains need to come from things that have nothing to do with him. I think that's the only way to stop playing co-dependant with that person.
Just my two cents...From some one jumping head first off the ride!!!
I have a little over two week before I leave my AH with no forwarding address. I intend to leave a letter; but then that's it. No other contact because I've finally learned that if he hasn't gotten it by now; well I'm wasting my time. If he wants to change he'll do it for him without me. My life's losses and gains need to come from things that have nothing to do with him. I think that's the only way to stop playing co-dependant with that person.
Just my two cents...From some one jumping head first off the ride!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
A few more thoughts I had on anger. After you sit with it for a while, it's really helpful to see the feelings underneath it. For me, it's usually pain or fear. It really helps to address those. I can love myself and comfort myself when I'm in pain. I can talk myself down from fear by rationally addressing what I'm afraid of. I was in pain over the rejection and abandonment that XH put me through, but I was also afraid - of being alone, that I'd never find anyone else to love me, that I was unloveable, that I was the problem, that he'd magically become happy without me, that someone else would get the best of him after I'd endured the worst. Addressing all those fears really helped to pull me away from anger and into healing.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
For me, if I"m shaking and raging, I have to do something to cap it off. I can live there for a good long while, have PTSD and it's UGLY.
I'm not projecting my situation onto yours, and apologize if I missed something already, but if this goes on for too long (the shaking and crying) you may need to do or take something to cap it off and get it under control.
Yes, anger is a natural part of the grief cycle and yes, it's a good motivator but for me at least, it can be a self perpetuating state that keep cycling. PM me if you want suggestions.
Otherwise, just be kind to yourself and try to take a break. Drink lots of water. I also go see a movie sometimes, but I LOVE going to the movies...
hugs, you're going to be all right girl..
I'm not projecting my situation onto yours, and apologize if I missed something already, but if this goes on for too long (the shaking and crying) you may need to do or take something to cap it off and get it under control.
Yes, anger is a natural part of the grief cycle and yes, it's a good motivator but for me at least, it can be a self perpetuating state that keep cycling. PM me if you want suggestions.
Otherwise, just be kind to yourself and try to take a break. Drink lots of water. I also go see a movie sometimes, but I LOVE going to the movies...
hugs, you're going to be all right girl..
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