pinkolive

Hello,

This is my first post and I am an addict. I got hooked on percocet due to the pain control for 32 kidney stones I have had through out my life since I was 18.

It's crazy that this is the only drug that ever got me. I have tried almost everything out there, and perocet is the one that kept me coming back. I quit taking them back in July because I was fortunate enough to realize what I was doing, and put an end to it (on top of my doc prescribing, I was buying black market from a friend). I was going through 100mg on a weekend. All as well for a month. Then in August my appendix went out and I had to get the morphine jeopardy button, and then the doc gave me some percs to take home. He gave me 20 and I ate them in 4 days. Then I called my friend to get more twice. Then in late September, it hit me. This problem that I have is only going to get worse and worse. So I stopped. I deleted my friends number and quit taking anything other than advil (even passed a stone with Advil).

It has been 43 days now and I am going strong. I am just kind of worried about if I get a bad stone that puts me in the hospital. I hope I can stick with it. I never had Physical W/D, but the mental cravings are really strong. Still! Do these ever go away??

I am openly communicating with my wife about it, and also to a close friend who is in NA. I have been reading stories on here for some time which has really helped me and just wanted to share.

Pink Olive

MDB79

Welcome aboard Pinkolive!!!!!

I am really sorry to hear about your recurring kidney stones. I have never had one but people say that it is among the strongest pain you can feel. From reading your post, I can opined that you are certainly abusing your medication. However, I am not convinced that you are "addicted" (I'm sure some here may disagree with me). At least not yet. How long have you been taking percs? How much time do you have between kidney stone episodes? Do you stop taking it when you don't have stone issues? The fact that you don't get WD is somewhat puzzling. I first tried percs a couple of years ago when I got my hands on a 90 pill bottle, after a month I stop and I got noticiable physical WD symptoms. However, I was able to move on and never really craved them. Although after that I never minded popping a couple just to get that "unplugged" feeling.

My advice is that you talk to your doctor and tell him to prescribe other painkillers with less abusive potential.

Dee74

Hi Pink Olive
Welcome

I think it's clear to me you think you have a problem, and frankly thats all that matters.
I do happen to agree with you though, so I'm glad you stopped.
Congratulations on yr 43 days.

I'm not familiar with kidney stones at all, but pls check with your Dr about medications.
It's not appropriate for us to give out medication advice here.

D

pinkolive

Thanks for replying! The way I know that I am addicted was that I was taking the medicine when I didn't have a stone or any pain for that matter; simply for the high. That and the fact that I was sneaking around my wife and going to see my friend to get more. I still mentally crave them BAD and think about them every day. As far as the WD's, the day or two after I ran out, I would get real down and just want to go to bed. The good thing is that I am real into my job, so it gave me something to focus on during the day. It was when I got home that I felt real down and craved the stupid little pills. I also am having trouble sleeping, but my therapist has given me something for that. Nothing made can me sleep like codeine though which is probably why I can't get a full night.

My friend says that the best way to deal with the cravings is to talk about it, which is what I am doing here. I know I may need start going to meetings with her to ensure that I stay strong enough not to relapse.

Thanks again for the response and for listening... Day 44!!

Stagebear

I'd respectfully suggest that some of what you describe are withdrawal symptoms.

I need to realistically consider that there may be occasion for me to use narcotic medication in the future due to medical issues. However, I choose not to focus on the "what will I do" aspect and try to remain in the now. If I continue to build a solid foundation in recovery, I am much less likely to set myself up for a relapse should the need for meds arise.

In my experience (with others as well as myself) craving do, indeed, diminish.

MDB79

Pinkolive, I agree with stagebear in that those symptoms you mention are in fact WD. What really sucks about your situation is the fact that in the back of your head the idea of another kidney stone, and taking painkillers, is just around the corner. It's like you are caught "between a stone and a hard place" (no pun intended). Have the docs told why you get so many stones? Is there something you can do to reduce them?

On the "bright side", you are not in denial and realize you have a problem. That is always the first step to recovery. I also congratulate your efforts to stay sober regardless of your medical problems! Some people use their disease as a means to justify their addiction but you seem to grasp what's going in your head. My experience is that the cravings gradually go away. However, most agree that addiction has no cure and all we can do is control the disease to the point where we can have a "normal" life.

This site will provide you with the support you need in order to make it through. Here you can rest assured that a hand will always be extended to those in need. Also think about going to NA meetings. I wish the very best in your recovery and pray that you find a cure to your medical problems.

Wolfchild

meditation

I love your story. I only wish mine had had the same outcome. I realized I was addicted but kept on using and using. I ignored the part of me that said hey........ girl hold up on those things ... this can't have a good ending. But alas I had to go to the bitter end with it.
I don't know how a person even has the fortitude to just stop and I am so happy there are folks like you out there that are able to do this. That in and of itself is incredible and I am so happy for you that you realized this without it having to be the worst consequences for you. You stopped before it took over your entire life. Kudos to you.

pinkolive

Thank you for the kind words Meditation.

I was on them for years, but it was when I was sneaking out to get them after the wife went to bed was that I knew it had to end. I was barely strong enough, and even know have to fight the cravings everyday. The only way I could do it as to remove accessibility by deleting my hook-ups contact information and telling both my MD and Urologist of my problem. If I can't find the stuff, I can't take them.

I am still struggling with how to deal with the cravings. My friend who is NA said that it gets better in 6 months or so, but never goes completely away.

My question for the wonderful people here:

I know there are a lot of reasons for using, but whatever they are, quitting leaves a "hole in the soul" (as my therapist calls it). I have also realized that this HITS causes addiction in the first place, at least for me.

After quitting, how did you fill this hole in the soul? Maybe 12 steps is the answer?

Vintersemestre

Cravings were really bad for awhile when I stopped. I can also say they really felt in almost no way to be psychological in origin, they felt very physical and lasted basically all day. It was kind of like a tight/tickly/ball of anxiety in my throat/chest.

I can however also say that although I believed that it would "never go away" as many were saying, it's a year and a bit later it did in fact go away for me, so you're not doomed

Stagebear

That's the first time I've seen anyone else describe the tickle in the throat thing. Thought that was some weird function of withdrawal for me only.