reverse

Apparently my husband wants to move to Washington near his mother with our children and separate from me until I get my problems sorted out. He says that 6 out of 7 days of the week I'm crabby, treat everyone bad, and am not providing the happy and pleasant atmosphere that he wants for our children. He says that he is tired of trying to make me happy for the last 7 years---trying his hardest to make things work only to have it go nowhere. He says that I can never be happy no matter how hard he tries to make me happy and he's tired of being around it and he doesn't want his children to have a mother like that. Lately he's been getting so angry with me to the point where he is starting to call me names and purposely say things to hurt me. I honestly don't know what to do. He says that I am destroying our relationship and throwing everything away. I feel like its ok for him to overreact and take me the wrong way, but heaven forbid I do the same. I don't mean to hurt him or offend him. Things that are simple misunderstandings to me are major offenses to him. Yesterday he said something to me that I took offense to (I took it to mean the worst possible way) and it drove him over the edge to the point where he was calling me horrible names, yelling and screaming at me, etc. I feel like I am incapable of being a wife and mother---and feel like he wants me to be perfect. Last week I worked 40 hours with hardly any sleep, balancing between his work schedule of almost 40 hours, I'm going to school at the same time, and both of us are trying to take care of our 3 children with no outside support and no family help. I think I am entitled to be stressed and overwhelmed sometimes--especially when I have no one to talk to. He gets so mad at me that I wake up crabby and tired. I tell him, I've rarely ever woken up happy in my whole life. I don't always sleep that well. I used to have really bad nightmares, but those have mostly gone away. He said he wants a normal life and he'd rather not be around me anymore than to deal with my problems. I honestly try my best to be a good mom to my children--I try to do the right thing and try to hold the house and family together while juggling work, kids, and school. I don't know if he's being too hard on me or if I'm being irrational. Either way, apparently he wants a wife other than who I am.

At times I overreact or mistaken what he says and take offense.
I have trust issues and he's tired of having to continuously make things better and convince me. I feel like I'm not allowed to over react or make mistakes. I'm not allowed to be imperfect in anyway or take his words the wrong way. He insists that I can be imperfect, but every day 24/7 is not normal. I honestly don't know what he's talking about and this is making me feel like the worst person on earth. I feel so bad and ugly as a person b/c I feel like I can never be good enough. I'm tired of constantly being criticized by him on how to act and behave--he'll say, you need to pray more, you need to be more religious, you need to be a better wife and mother, you need to be happier, you need to do this, you need to do that. I'm so sick of this. I honestly am so tired of this life and I don't know what to do b/c I feel incapable of doing anything right. I'm terrified of messing up all over again by simply saying the wrong thing.

takincareome

I'm really sorry to hear this, reverse.

How do you feel about this? I'm sure that you're sad but you also sound like maybe you're thinking some time apart might not be a bad idea?

Have the two of you thought about counseling? It can be very helpful when you get into those spirals where nobody can do anything right because of all the baggage and hurt feelings in the way.

I hope you're OK. You are in my thoughts.

totfit

Just take to heart the two quotes in you signature and you will be just fine. Those quotes together are all you need to remember right now. Sounds like a horrible situation and in some cases a separation, though painful with the children involved might be the best thing for you. The situation sounds toxic. Also, there are times that no matter how we improve our lives, we cannot repair the damage in a relationship, because the person is unable or refuses to accept the new person. They are unwilling or unable to see the good and only recall at any given time the worst. Also just because you may have had easy to see problems it does not me the other person is necessarily healthy. Good luck. Just take it a day at a time.

kittykitty

Reverse,

:ghug3


This must be very hard for you to be going through. I once had an experience like you are referring to, but smashed into a 3 hour conversation. It was a boyfriend who decided, while we were driving back from a day trip, to lecture me on all of my shortcomings, and everything that was wrong with me. Three hours, stuck in the car... listening to him. There was nothing constructive about it, like you say, just hurtful descriptions of how I'm not a happy person, and something is really wrong with me, etc. Told me I needed to figure out what was wrong with me and change it before I would ever have a successful relationship with anyone, including him. The way I talk, the way I work, the way I play, everything was addressed. I felt like everything I did was never going to be good enough. He mentioned specific instances, and in my mind I relived those instances and remembered how I felt I had gone out of my way those times to be friendly, calm, nice, whatever. And to hear his recollection of those events as "rude, uncomfortable, crabby, bitchy" experiences for him, I realized that his tolerance for imperfections was way way lower than he claimed it was. They are so quick to point out that no one is perfect, and even remind you that they themselves aren't perfect either, but that doesn't seem to stop them from digging into you for hours (or in your case days, weeks) about how "imperfect" you actually are.

Totfit makes a great point as well, the idea that on your road to recovery, he might be a speed bump. But not a normal speed bump. A normal speed bump is okay, all you have to do is slow down a bit, which isn't always a bad thing; I'm talking about those other ones, like at the car rental places... the ones with the spikes sticking out. There is no way that you can go over that speed bump, and still be a functioning vehicle afterwards. Your only choice is to wait for the spikes to go down, or find another way out. Doesn't sound like he wants to put those spikes down for you. Just don't let him keep you stuck driving around in that parking lot. You need to leave that lot to stay on the road to recovery...

I kind of got lost in that one, I use metaphors alot... did that make any sense?