soulsurvivor

Many of you know I have posted on this topic before.. it is VERY hard for me..the situation with my family is NO where near settled and I am not ready to even take on that battle at this time.
this Forgiveness situation involves a long time friend of mine... former friend..
Kim and I had been friend for 15 years..basically best friends together many times a week and i helped her raise her son as she was a single mom.
Kim has always suffered from some depression and low self esteem which lead to her dating mostly loosers... people who didnt treat her well or with respect.
about 4 years ago she moved and started dating her neighbor who was a 21 year old, freshly out of prison BOY..... she is 35... of course I asked her what she was doing with this child just out of prison.. didnt seem like a good idea.
she assured me he was changed and making a new start.
I find out he was in prison for Meth related things. within several months SHE starts telling me about thier problems.... she suspects he is cheating on her and her son, who is 7 is really acting out..
Over the next few months SHE tells me while she is working nights HE is staying at her apt. with her son and selling meth out of her apt. her son showed her bullet Her boyfriend gave him with a message about "its for him if he doesnt keep quiet"??? He begins hitting her son.. Her son ends up in the child psychiatriac unit at the hospital 2 or 3 times for out of control behaviors. wHen Kim went to take him home,, he said he would rather stay at the hospital.
I go to her Mom and sister and we all compare notes. It appears this guy is abusing her son and selling/using meth out of her apt.
I start telling her this is madess... she is better than this... and she needs to put this to an end NOW.. after about a month of me beggin her to change this situation.. I finally tell her I will call CPS if she doesnt make a change.
She Freaks out and says Im not her friend to do that to her. I tell her I love her and her son and I will be strong for her since she is apparently weak right now. I did call CPS but apparently nothing happened.
With additional info I get from her sister and MOM i decide to call the police. ....sister and mom of couse didnt want to get involved......I tell them this guys name and that I assume he is on parole... he is using and selling meth. they ask where else he may be I tell them kims address. they ask if she is involved I tell them no... I dont want to believe she is..i'm thinking she is just wrapped up in a bad relationship.
They find him at her apt, and raid it. they call me back and say they found guns, and everything to make meth in her apt. and his car. He was there and had meth on him.. He went to jail.. and they called CPS because all the meth making material was on the kitchen table and in plain sight/reach of her child.
They didnt take him away but made her sign a safety plan to include no contact with Mr. Scumbag.
She figured I did all of this and called my job.. I worked for childrens services at the time and told them i was looking up her case on the computer and I got fired....
two weeks after this guy was sent back to prison she met another guy and moved in with him. She has now been with the new guy for 4 years and has 2 more kids..the issue is SHE still has not really spoke to me. ... We still are not friends.
I miss her terribly... and would love for her to come to me and say sorry for how I acted and I know you did what you did out of love... other tell me she still sees what I did as evil.... I dont feel i have anything to appoligize for..I would do it again...
SHould I reach out to her and ask her if she wants to talk this out and clear the air... or just let it go ....
I would be swallowing alot of pride to go to her as I still believe in what I did.. I feel she should be the one to come to me but that hasent happened.
I dont know...what do you guys think...???

truthhurts

I would cut Kim out of my life. This is a really really sad situation, what with her young son involved and so affected by her bad choices, but this is also obviously affecting your life and mental happiness.

You can't change her choices, and it sounds like she needs years of therapy to uncover the reasons why she keeps making terrible relationship choices. That's not your job.

I think a lot of times, people like us with codependent tendencies tend to seek out people in "trouble" like your friend. It makes us feel useful, helpful, or maybe even superior in some cases. But it all comes down to the fact that you can't change her; she has to do that herself.

Again, I would step back---way, way back---from this friendship. I want to have friendships with people who have whole, full, happy, regular lives...don't you?

soulsurvivor

yes i do have other great friends.. she is no longer with this guy. we have alot of friends in common.. i am the only one she hasnt talked to.. so all my other friends still talk to her... she is with a good guy now.. so i hear.... and has a new family..
its hard being the only one out of the loop with her..
her sister tells me she misses me terribly and wants to mend things but she told her new boyfriend all sorts of STUFF about me when this all went down and her wouldnt LET her be friends with someone like me.. of course she LIed about what went down to save herself at the time and would probably have to admit to him too that she was in the wrong.... I dont feel things would EVER go back to how they were as i dont trust her like that anymore... but now that she is in a better place i do miss her and would like to be involved when our friends all go out.. I dont know....

sofacat

There are alot of us "codies" here who can relate to your plight.

What you may want to ask your self is how exactly does this relationship with your friend enrich your life? Has she contributed happiness to your life?

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish what we had with a person than what we have. Her choices in her life are exactly that...Hers. Try to focus on yourself. Guilt is a terrible thing to hold on to. Work through it, and give yourself the life you deserve. There are other healthy people out there waiting to be your friend.

Keep coming back. You're amongst friends.



"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."- Sir Winston Churchill

splendra

It may not have been a lie it may have been how she saw it. We have to understand that others do not always see a situation in the same way that we do.

You may feel that you saved a life while perhaps she feels like you were not minding your own business. It is very possible that she will never view what you did as something to be thankful about. For all you know she still has to deal with CPS and is not thankful for this intrusion.

I have suffered the consequences of trying to force an out come several times in dealing with my addicted loved ones. I have not ever tried this with someone that I was not related to but it still caused huge resentment.

They may never forgive me but the next best thing I can do is forgive myself and learn from my mistake.

It looks like you might want to consider that you are the one who made the mistake not her and if you can look at it from that perspective you might feel differently about who needs to say I am sorry....

soulsurvivor

what i did was out of love and concern for her son.. she got me fired from my job.. very malicious move out of anger...
i stand by what i did and would do it again... when it comes to protecting children I will step up every time...
I hope that my friends love me and my son enough should I ever move into insanity.. they would do what ever it takes to protect my son... if not me...

ive learned there are two kind of ppl in this world.. Activators and sleepers.. Coming my my ACOA world where everyone was a sleeper.... didnt talk,, didnt acknowledge anything,, just sat back and let the house burn down and didnt say a word...
I very much dislike that world and ppl like that..

I am the kind of person that if i see a car wreck .. i'm callin 911 and jumping out to help. if i hear the couple up stairs from me fighting... PHYSICALLY.. i call the police..
i dont sit back and watch things happen.. I am an activator..
I realize that rubs some ppl the wrong way.. usually sleepers but i feel if we all took better care of eachother and looked out for one another perhaps things would be better for everyone...
also,, silence and isolation/privacy are tools in addictive/abusive situatioins.. and i refuse to play into that..
we may never be friends again.. and yes i can live with that.. it would just be nice for her to have prospective now.. to see that i was not malicious in what happened...

splendra

If you know in your heart you did the right thing then why are you so attached to wanting her to come and gravel at your feet for doing her such a good deed?

I have done the right thing and still the out come was not all hearts and flowers smelling like roses some times doing the right thing stinks and hurts real bad. I totally believe children need to be protected. But, some times doing the right thing causes hard feelings. For some people it takes a long time. Their families have a lot of issues to work thru.

What you d did to her probably on the soul/esoteric level was like a surgery. You cut a growth off of her and her child. I wonder how many people hang out with their surgeons after their operation? It seems you feel like you would get a little more satisfaction out of doing your deed if she was grateful. Hey knowing you did what was right can be enough right?

I think it was Jesus that said "in your giving let not one hand know what the other does".

ItsmeAlice

I was just thinking of a similar issue with my ex best friend.

We had been friends for about 8 years. I stayed with her for two months after I left my XABF. It was tough going from the get-go, but I always thought we'd get through it. I needed the place to stay and she needed my rent money.

When she made money demands I could not meet, I agreed to leave by the end of the month. I was considering that she needed my rent money and would need to find someone to rent my room to. She decided I was mad at her (I was actually sad that things didn't work out) and didn't want to deal with that so gave me four days to vacate her house. It was a crisis for me, but with the help of family and other friends, I got out as she insisted. We haven't spoken since then.

When I think about our friendship, I still cannot believe this was the same person I knew all those years. She was hitting some hard times financially, but I thought she would turn to me for support rather than turn on me.

I still think about what I would say should she ever call to apologize, though I know her stubbornness and I believe now that she is inacapable of finding fault in her own actions. I also believe now there may have been addiction underlying her actions that was not apparent.

To my point....I have been thinking about the fact that I more want her to accept fault than I want to be her friend. I'm willing to let the friendship go. What I can't seem to let go is the need to be acknowledged as being the one who was wronged.

I see that same thinking in your reply here we may never be friends again.. and yes i can live with that.. it would just be nice for her to have prospective now.. to see that i was not malicious in what happened...

I think Splendra made a point about perspective. While what you did was to protect the child, and it seems his life ( and hers) is much healthier now, from her perspective calling the law and placing a spotlight on what was happening in her home was probably malicious to her. Had you done something (though I can't think of what) without involving the authorities, she may have seen more love in it.

I think the forgiveness should go to you. You're actions, though justified, has driven your friend away as a consequence. The tough decisions in life sometimes come with sacrifices. Forgive yourself for sacrificing your friendship to save a child.

Best to you.

Alice

soulsurvivor

its hard for me when ppl dont act the the I would... i suppose we all feel that way sometimes.. i am the FIRST person to acknowledge a mistake and appoligize and I obvioulsy expect the same... I dont think she is a horrible person.. and I've said weve all got caught up with a Bad Boy at least once in our lives.. I would love for her to come to me as I would to her and say.."I'm sorry I put you in the position that you feel you had to make drastic moves.. i was not in my right mind.. thank you for looking out for me and my son when my head was not on right."
Because she did.. she told me all this stuff.. i didnt ask or spy on her... also NOthing came out of the CPS stuff, her son was never taken from her.. it was the Police who made the official report when they found all the stuff in her apt. and she does not know Im the one that called.. I never told anyone i did that .. but you guys..
I removed him from the picture for her when she was not strong enough to remove him herself.. if he Never went back to prison she would not have met her New guy now.. and would not have had two more babies... YES... all of that happened because of what I did... and she does not know that...
I love her as a friend.. and as long as she is happy now that makes me happy. I am saddened that she does not see this situation for what it really is... Its not that Id rather be Right than her friend.. But I'll take making her life and her sons safe with the sacrafice of our friendship anyday...
if she never sees my heart in this but she is happy, then I can live with that.. I know the truth.....
again... i pray that i have ppl who love me enough to step in for me or my son should I go off the deep end...

coffeedrinker

soul,

i think i am very much like you. rush to people's aid, with the best intentions, but if i am being truly honest with myself, i also want their thankfulness later. i AM a good person, a great and loving person, i know that, but my neediness also wants others to acknowledge it.

you want vindication. her pride and shame for what she put her son through will not allow her to see things as they were. that's my take on it. perhaps one day she will mature enough, and get healthy enough, to go back and make an amend with you. until then (and IF) you need to try and let this go: this person who is unstable, and your desire for her to admit her shortcomings in the situation.

it's tough i know. you know in your head and your heart you were correct. if you can make that enough, you're golden

Ann

Sometimes friendships last a short time, sometimes a lifetime, but friendships have to have two way participation to endure. This one has damage that may not be able to be repaired, but take comfort that it is never wrong to protect a child in danger...never.

You did a good thing, and if the cost was a friendship it's a small price to pay for a child's life and safety.

Hugs

Rushl

if she has "grown" any and realized her mistakes she will totally understand what you did and why you did it. if that is the case (she has grown) i don't think it would hurt to have her back in your life however if she hasn't... it would probably benefit you to stay away from her. i don't see a problem with initiating a conversation with her to see where she is at this point in her life as opposed to where you are. i may apologize for hurting her feelings bc that wasn't the intention but i wouldn't apologize for saving her son from that enviornment. she is probably ashamed and embarrassed of her past so i'm not sure i'd dwell on your past issues but there is always a chance for the future depending on where the two of you are in life.
good luck!