Thank_you_SR_for_preparing_me_for_these_things
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Thank_you_SR_for_preparing_me_for_these_things
A month ago I would have been blindsighted and reacted completely differently to this situation, but luckily I've been doing my research HERE, with al-anon and reading my daily readings and codependent no more.
This weekend for some reason I agreed to go grocery shopping with AH, and we were BARELY being civil with one another, just basically living in a painful existence trying to avoid interacting as much as possible the past few days. We drove to the store, and on the way got into an argument because he felt that "it shouldn't matter" whose dishes were left all over the kitchen, that I should just take care of it, because I get home from work before him and I should cook dinner (not "should", but that's what he would do, he says, because he's that kind of guy), for him because he gets home later. Anyway I said well look if you pick up your breakfast and lunch mess that you make in the morning rather than leaving the kitchen a mess for me when I get home I'm more likely to cook, because I don't have to clean for 20 mins up someone else's mess that isn't even partly mine, THEN cook, THEN clean again! He protested that he shouldn't have to do that because, well, I've left my messes before.
He then went into a rail about do you like anything that I do? any one thing? can you name just one thing that you like that I do? I told him to stop antagonizing me. He kept it up, my response? "Well, it's getting harder and harder to think of anything!" He got out of the car, asked if I had a set of keys, and told me, "Why don't you go ahead and drive home yourself. I'll walk." We have never walked to/from this store, it's miles from our house (not TOO bad, like 3 miles maybe? but far for a heavy smoker!) I guess he thought I'd be like, oh no, don't do that, I'm sorry.
He called me soulless and heartless. Told me to take myself home. I said, sure if that's what you want, got in the car and drove home. He got home 30 mins later, no clue how.. maybe a bus? Maybe a friend? a cab? who cares.
Wouldn't talk to me. Score 1 point for me, I said, I'm not absorbing your drama any more, if you want to be nuts, be nuts. If you want to talk about the reality of our marital demise, then talk about it, but I won't be drawn into the drama.
He wouldn't talk, called me a few more names, I went for a nap and when I woke up he was gone. I went out sat night and got home by 1, at 3 am I woke up to him coming home, maybe he paid for an expensive cab or maybe a friend dropped him off but his car wasn't there. I guess he thought one of his awesome drinking buddies would come pick him up to hang out on sunday but he never left the house, had his cell phone glued to his hand and made a bunch of calls. He sounds so self assured and cocky on the phone, it's annoying.
Anyway, I was cleaning and tidying and up on a ladder cleaning out gutters and working on our pool and stuff all weekend while he did literally nothing. To make it worse, he decided to pick on me while I did it. "Oh, you're cleaning up? It's about time you cleaned up for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. HAH." ??? As if I don't clean.. here he was doing nothing! I did 3 loads of laundry friday night with his clothes too, he started packing up the clean clothes and I said something like it must be nice to have your laundry done (my bad, baiting). To which he said, yeah it is, thank you, there's a FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. Just one thing after another.
Anyway, I called my parents to come help me sort out my life, they live hours away and they are coming today to help me do something with our yard that AH has put off for 6 weeks. I told him they were coming and he said he'd leave the house for the night. Then he packed up his clean clothes and said he was leaving Sunday night. I said great, was looking forward to it. He was on the phone and all.. still never left. The funny thing is we were out of alcohol, he only got to have like 3 gin drinks (to anyone else this is plenty for a normal day, but to him, that was stretching it!) before he ran out. He started looking up swine flu symptoms online and acting like he was dying because he had a stuffy nose (always has in the winter, he's not exactly health conscious), and coughing nonstop (can you say chronic bronchitis caused by smoking 2 packs a day for 15 years?). I guess he was planning on staying home from work the next day, because he couldn't get back to his car wherever he left it. Throughout the day I got taunted and told I was sleeping around, cheating on him, and did I know that in divorce if someone sleeps around they get screwed over? And I should say hi to my boyfriend for him, etc etc.. anything to remove the blame for the marriage dissolving on him being a jerk. MUST be I'm a cheat.
This morning my parents are on their way over, I guess AH thought they were coming at night, but I told him they were already on their way, he flipped out saying he was working from home. I said why because you can't get back to your car? He proceeded to call me heartless, soulless, a cheat, all these things. I'm a wh*re, over and over. Just screaming. I said whatever and got ready to go. Then he comes up with, Will you drive me to my car. ???? NO! Why not? WHAT!! No way, sort it out, youre responsible for your own car. "I was responsible in leaving my car downtown rather than driving it drunk." "yeah? well the other HALF of that would be making sure you get back to your car afterwards." "I am, I'm asking my WIFE" "You just called your WIFE a barrage of insults, better ask one of your friends." "Oh you mean someone who is actually nice to me because they LIKE me??" "yes, exactly." I kept saying no, he'd call me a wh**e again, say I had told him I was cheating, then come ask if I'd drive him again. It was nuts!
I called my parents and warned them he might still be at home, they said no problem, they didn't care, they were coming to my house while I"m at work anyway, and would deal with it if he was still around.
Funny how none of his awesome best friends would take him back to his car all day sunday or monday morning. I have to admit feeling SLIGHTLY guilty for not driving him, which is absolutely ridiculous (I think i mostly felt bad for my parents if they showed up and he was there). But then he would call me names again and yell. Then I'd remember, too bad.
I kind of like that he's being so crazy, because it keeps me angry at him and uncaring. If he were being nice I'd be a lot more confused right now.. I hope he keeps it up.
This weekend for some reason I agreed to go grocery shopping with AH, and we were BARELY being civil with one another, just basically living in a painful existence trying to avoid interacting as much as possible the past few days. We drove to the store, and on the way got into an argument because he felt that "it shouldn't matter" whose dishes were left all over the kitchen, that I should just take care of it, because I get home from work before him and I should cook dinner (not "should", but that's what he would do, he says, because he's that kind of guy), for him because he gets home later. Anyway I said well look if you pick up your breakfast and lunch mess that you make in the morning rather than leaving the kitchen a mess for me when I get home I'm more likely to cook, because I don't have to clean for 20 mins up someone else's mess that isn't even partly mine, THEN cook, THEN clean again! He protested that he shouldn't have to do that because, well, I've left my messes before.
He then went into a rail about do you like anything that I do? any one thing? can you name just one thing that you like that I do? I told him to stop antagonizing me. He kept it up, my response? "Well, it's getting harder and harder to think of anything!" He got out of the car, asked if I had a set of keys, and told me, "Why don't you go ahead and drive home yourself. I'll walk." We have never walked to/from this store, it's miles from our house (not TOO bad, like 3 miles maybe? but far for a heavy smoker!) I guess he thought I'd be like, oh no, don't do that, I'm sorry.
He called me soulless and heartless. Told me to take myself home. I said, sure if that's what you want, got in the car and drove home. He got home 30 mins later, no clue how.. maybe a bus? Maybe a friend? a cab? who cares.
Wouldn't talk to me. Score 1 point for me, I said, I'm not absorbing your drama any more, if you want to be nuts, be nuts. If you want to talk about the reality of our marital demise, then talk about it, but I won't be drawn into the drama.
He wouldn't talk, called me a few more names, I went for a nap and when I woke up he was gone. I went out sat night and got home by 1, at 3 am I woke up to him coming home, maybe he paid for an expensive cab or maybe a friend dropped him off but his car wasn't there. I guess he thought one of his awesome drinking buddies would come pick him up to hang out on sunday but he never left the house, had his cell phone glued to his hand and made a bunch of calls. He sounds so self assured and cocky on the phone, it's annoying.
Anyway, I was cleaning and tidying and up on a ladder cleaning out gutters and working on our pool and stuff all weekend while he did literally nothing. To make it worse, he decided to pick on me while I did it. "Oh, you're cleaning up? It's about time you cleaned up for ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. HAH." ??? As if I don't clean.. here he was doing nothing! I did 3 loads of laundry friday night with his clothes too, he started packing up the clean clothes and I said something like it must be nice to have your laundry done (my bad, baiting). To which he said, yeah it is, thank you, there's a FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING. Just one thing after another.
Anyway, I called my parents to come help me sort out my life, they live hours away and they are coming today to help me do something with our yard that AH has put off for 6 weeks. I told him they were coming and he said he'd leave the house for the night. Then he packed up his clean clothes and said he was leaving Sunday night. I said great, was looking forward to it. He was on the phone and all.. still never left. The funny thing is we were out of alcohol, he only got to have like 3 gin drinks (to anyone else this is plenty for a normal day, but to him, that was stretching it!) before he ran out. He started looking up swine flu symptoms online and acting like he was dying because he had a stuffy nose (always has in the winter, he's not exactly health conscious), and coughing nonstop (can you say chronic bronchitis caused by smoking 2 packs a day for 15 years?). I guess he was planning on staying home from work the next day, because he couldn't get back to his car wherever he left it. Throughout the day I got taunted and told I was sleeping around, cheating on him, and did I know that in divorce if someone sleeps around they get screwed over? And I should say hi to my boyfriend for him, etc etc.. anything to remove the blame for the marriage dissolving on him being a jerk. MUST be I'm a cheat.
This morning my parents are on their way over, I guess AH thought they were coming at night, but I told him they were already on their way, he flipped out saying he was working from home. I said why because you can't get back to your car? He proceeded to call me heartless, soulless, a cheat, all these things. I'm a wh*re, over and over. Just screaming. I said whatever and got ready to go. Then he comes up with, Will you drive me to my car. ???? NO! Why not? WHAT!! No way, sort it out, youre responsible for your own car. "I was responsible in leaving my car downtown rather than driving it drunk." "yeah? well the other HALF of that would be making sure you get back to your car afterwards." "I am, I'm asking my WIFE" "You just called your WIFE a barrage of insults, better ask one of your friends." "Oh you mean someone who is actually nice to me because they LIKE me??" "yes, exactly." I kept saying no, he'd call me a wh**e again, say I had told him I was cheating, then come ask if I'd drive him again. It was nuts!
I called my parents and warned them he might still be at home, they said no problem, they didn't care, they were coming to my house while I"m at work anyway, and would deal with it if he was still around.
Funny how none of his awesome best friends would take him back to his car all day sunday or monday morning. I have to admit feeling SLIGHTLY guilty for not driving him, which is absolutely ridiculous (I think i mostly felt bad for my parents if they showed up and he was there). But then he would call me names again and yell. Then I'd remember, too bad.
I kind of like that he's being so crazy, because it keeps me angry at him and uncaring. If he were being nice I'd be a lot more confused right now.. I hope he keeps it up.
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I've done what I can to leave the room or leave the house, and not take it. When I have to get stuff done, I get stuff done, and just tune it out. It used to really get to me when he'd say something like that--I'd want to argue and 'prove' to him that he was wrong, that I did clean or that I didn't cheat etc. But I am now much more aware of the fact that there is 1) no convincing him and 2) no point. Why do I care what he says, or if he believes what he says, or whatever it is. I personally know that I am taking care of my responsibilities, I'm faithful, and I have values. I had started to sink into his patterns and yell and scream and insult back, but since I stopped doing that I have less guilt and am a lot more self confident. I don't have to be like him.
I either 100% ignore what he's saying, shut the door, or laugh. He's not getting to me anymore.
One thing I was doing before, was to ignore him, but then to come back later on and still be acting pleasant to him. Like for instance he might have been an absolute jerk to me and it was uncalled for. Then I'd be out and call to see if he needed something from the store. Or he was a nutcase one night and in the morning I'd be like, Hey how's it going. I thought I was doing well and that this was detaching, but my therapist warned me that I was still being a doormat. A self respecting person does not act as though NOTHING has happened. They stand up for themselves and enforce consequences. So instead of pretending nothing is happening any more as a form of detachment, I allow myself to express a little anger, let him know that he crossed the line and isn't getting anything out of me for HIS actions, and then go back to getting on with my life.
Hopefully I'm on the right track now. I hadn't realized how my 'detaching' before was really just reinforcing his bad behavior by telling him I would still be nice/normal/talking to him or whatever no matter what he did or said to me. Bleah. I never thought I was a doormat but apparently I was.
It was really odd, the other day during a lull in the argument I asked AH if he actually saw the marriage ever really surviving. I was just curious as to what he was thinking about it. IMMEDIATELY he started yelling, stood up and was shouting about how I"m bipolar and how could I possible expect him to want to work things out in therapy after being so cold and heartless as to tell him I was falling out of love with him and that I couldn't think of anything he did that I liked. That I was nuts to think that I could be so mean to him and he'd go to therapy.
It was amusing to me that his first thought was that I wanted him to work on things in therapy. I told him he misunderstood me, I wasn't asking him to do anything, and in fact I didn't think there was any future. I was just curious where he stood. He was even more angry and blew up. He said he loved me and wanted things to work but he wanted me to "change my heart".
What, back to a self-doubting wife of a verbally abusive misogynist alcoholic smoker with no financial skills or household responsibility? Right...
I either 100% ignore what he's saying, shut the door, or laugh. He's not getting to me anymore.
One thing I was doing before, was to ignore him, but then to come back later on and still be acting pleasant to him. Like for instance he might have been an absolute jerk to me and it was uncalled for. Then I'd be out and call to see if he needed something from the store. Or he was a nutcase one night and in the morning I'd be like, Hey how's it going. I thought I was doing well and that this was detaching, but my therapist warned me that I was still being a doormat. A self respecting person does not act as though NOTHING has happened. They stand up for themselves and enforce consequences. So instead of pretending nothing is happening any more as a form of detachment, I allow myself to express a little anger, let him know that he crossed the line and isn't getting anything out of me for HIS actions, and then go back to getting on with my life.
Hopefully I'm on the right track now. I hadn't realized how my 'detaching' before was really just reinforcing his bad behavior by telling him I would still be nice/normal/talking to him or whatever no matter what he did or said to me. Bleah. I never thought I was a doormat but apparently I was.
It was really odd, the other day during a lull in the argument I asked AH if he actually saw the marriage ever really surviving. I was just curious as to what he was thinking about it. IMMEDIATELY he started yelling, stood up and was shouting about how I"m bipolar and how could I possible expect him to want to work things out in therapy after being so cold and heartless as to tell him I was falling out of love with him and that I couldn't think of anything he did that I liked. That I was nuts to think that I could be so mean to him and he'd go to therapy.
It was amusing to me that his first thought was that I wanted him to work on things in therapy. I told him he misunderstood me, I wasn't asking him to do anything, and in fact I didn't think there was any future. I was just curious where he stood. He was even more angry and blew up. He said he loved me and wanted things to work but he wanted me to "change my heart".
What, back to a self-doubting wife of a verbally abusive misogynist alcoholic smoker with no financial skills or household responsibility? Right...
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I actually have recorded some of our conversations on my phone recorder. He knows I'm doing it sometimes too, it was actually his trick. When we had a particularly bad fight one time he got out the phone and told me he was recording me because this is what you are supposed to do when someone is abusing you (I was the abuser?). Well I found it helpful to record his insanity and insults so that if I questioned anything I could listen to the recording and get angry again.
It helps two ways--sometimes he gets recorded saying awful stuff, and sometimes he realizes I'm recording, and stops saying mean stuff. Either way I win.
It helps two ways--sometimes he gets recorded saying awful stuff, and sometimes he realizes I'm recording, and stops saying mean stuff. Either way I win.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Sounds like a sick and twisted way to live. I've been there and am much happier now. When I was in it I kind of got wrapped up in the drama. Took some time to realize that being self righteous and focusing on my partners bs was actually a reflection of my own problems. The only thing we really had in common was partying. She used a tape recorder too. While we were going through our divorce she would call and try to bait and entrap me. I thought it was funny. I now think it's sad.
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Mind you, I don't plan to continue to live this way. I have been on the fence before but I am pretty much on the other side and headed for the hills now. I know I need to stay strong because this is all happening very quickly--I don't have years of pain and suffering to look back on, but months. That's why hearing the ridiculousness and having a recording may be helpful to me, as a reminder for the day when he decides to be sweet and apologize. I have to admit a part of me really wishes he would see what he is doing, but the other part is saying, it's easier if he doesnt 
Still sad to lose someone you love. Very sad.
Still sad to lose someone you love. Very sad.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
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Congratulations for getting your SELF back!
WOW, you are doing his laundry for him. He is a lucky guy. Really, when I discovered that my kids were so adept at video games at around age 11, it dawned on me that turning the knob on the laundry machines would be...like, y'know, fairly easy for them.
The way it worked out in my family, at that time, was a dawning awareness that needing clean clothes was everybody's problem....so it turned out that we all did laundry, and naturally we would snatch up more of our own clothes, but we also put in things for the load from the rest of the family. Kinda cool, I thought.
I had set down to dinner one night and had this sheet of paper...which I had calculated with approximations of how many meals I had prepared, how many times I had washed dishes...all these chores,....and this is 10 years in, y'know...so some of the numbers are like 10,000+ and I read off this list, my family is just rapt listening to me...and I conclude it by saying, I don't think it is my turn anymore. LOL
This was not in an alcoholic or abusive home. I was just doing all these things because we all thought I was supposed to.
So, anyway, it struck me that you are doing everything and functioning.
Wow, when I was with the AABF...I lost my ability to get all the balls in the air and keep them there.
But, yes, isn't it nice...when you realize you don't have to participate in all the craziness, that you don't have to react in kind, that you don't have to go there at all!?
And, yes, there is relief and comedy in it when you realize this.
I am so glad you are taking your life back and still have a sense of humor.
You are awesome!
WOW, you are doing his laundry for him. He is a lucky guy. Really, when I discovered that my kids were so adept at video games at around age 11, it dawned on me that turning the knob on the laundry machines would be...like, y'know, fairly easy for them.
The way it worked out in my family, at that time, was a dawning awareness that needing clean clothes was everybody's problem....so it turned out that we all did laundry, and naturally we would snatch up more of our own clothes, but we also put in things for the load from the rest of the family. Kinda cool, I thought.
I had set down to dinner one night and had this sheet of paper...which I had calculated with approximations of how many meals I had prepared, how many times I had washed dishes...all these chores,....and this is 10 years in, y'know...so some of the numbers are like 10,000+ and I read off this list, my family is just rapt listening to me...and I conclude it by saying, I don't think it is my turn anymore. LOL
This was not in an alcoholic or abusive home. I was just doing all these things because we all thought I was supposed to.
So, anyway, it struck me that you are doing everything and functioning.
Wow, when I was with the AABF...I lost my ability to get all the balls in the air and keep them there.
But, yes, isn't it nice...when you realize you don't have to participate in all the craziness, that you don't have to react in kind, that you don't have to go there at all!?
And, yes, there is relief and comedy in it when you realize this.
I am so glad you are taking your life back and still have a sense of humor.
You are awesome!
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
"I have to admit a part of me really wishes he would see what he is doing, but the other part is saying, it's easier if he doesnt Still sad to lose someone you love. Very sad."
Put yourself first. Time does heal with a little work and a new
healthy environment. The only thing I can suggest (which I didn't do going through my breakup) is disengage totally from him. In retrospect, towards the end with my x every interaction was basically unhealthy, even the things that felt good at the time. Best of luck, there are alot of great people that can help. For me the fog started to lift into my 2nd month.
Put yourself first. Time does heal with a little work and a new
healthy environment. The only thing I can suggest (which I didn't do going through my breakup) is disengage totally from him. In retrospect, towards the end with my x every interaction was basically unhealthy, even the things that felt good at the time. Best of luck, there are alot of great people that can help. For me the fog started to lift into my 2nd month.
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Yeah, the laundry thing-- well I wanted to get some things done, I had a ton of laundry to do, and adding a few things of his to the wash when I was doing darks/whites wasn't really that much of a hassle. Plus, he was working the next morning and was supposed to be taking care of closing the pool. At that point I still thought he'd be helping out around the house over the weekend. He was being lazy and boring Friday night because we'd gone to a concert (for me, he came with me, it wasn't bad but it wasn't great) and got home really late the night before.
Anyway, I thought I'd get stuff done when I didn't have other things I'd rather be doing.. and save my free time for when he was at work the next day, so it was a good trade off for me.
It's just shocking how little appreciation I have gotten when I do things for him, and how much appreciation he wants for SHOWING UP at his job.
lol. I was walking with the dog in the park and thinking about times my AH and I have gone to the park for a walk / with the dog / whatever. It used to be he really enjoyed it. Then sometimes he would suggest we take a picnic, and sneak some beer or alcohol in with it, because apparently that makes nature better. I didn't think much of it at the time and was like whatever, you know, European, have some wine with your picnic...
But anyway, I never got the feeling especially lately that he really enjoyed going on these hikes with me, he always said he did but more recently started admitting he found them boring. I would comment on the smells or sights or beauty and he would probably have been thinking 'how much longer till we can get home and I can relax and have a beer'. Literally as soon as we'd get to the park, he'd have an excuse for leaving soon or tell me that he 'didn't want to be out long', was 'pretty tired from working and waking up early' or 'wanted to relax on his one day off'. Sorry, I find enjoying my days off outside to be a treat, not that he has to, but whatever.
Walking around by myself and with the dog I saw all these couples and families and they were all so happy and smiling and just relaxing and enjoying the day, not seemingly thinking, ok have we gone far enough can we turn around yet. Sitting on benches or by the water, just relaxing, etc. And it made me really excited to be free of this mess so that I can have someone to enjoy these things with again, without that underlying feeling that the person I'm with is all too loathe to be doing them.
I have a lot of work to be doing on myself. But it's a healthy reminder that others out there ARE happy, DO enjoy their relationships, SMILE, LAUGH, enjoy the OUTDOORS, and can find lots of fun things to do that do NOT involve ALCOHOL!
Sometimes being so caught up in the drama I had thought that this was what marriage was about--constant sacrifice, arguments, and giving up the things you love. I never had to give up the things I loved, I just had to be good enough to myself to realize I deserved to keep doing them despite what AH wanted to do. Getting back to those things now is very enjoyable. I've seen more of my friends in the past month than I saw them in a year! I feel so guilty for neglecting so many great friendships to the extent that I did, and lucky that they are so readily there for me now.
Anyway, I thought I'd get stuff done when I didn't have other things I'd rather be doing.. and save my free time for when he was at work the next day, so it was a good trade off for me.
It's just shocking how little appreciation I have gotten when I do things for him, and how much appreciation he wants for SHOWING UP at his job.
lol. I was walking with the dog in the park and thinking about times my AH and I have gone to the park for a walk / with the dog / whatever. It used to be he really enjoyed it. Then sometimes he would suggest we take a picnic, and sneak some beer or alcohol in with it, because apparently that makes nature better. I didn't think much of it at the time and was like whatever, you know, European, have some wine with your picnic...
But anyway, I never got the feeling especially lately that he really enjoyed going on these hikes with me, he always said he did but more recently started admitting he found them boring. I would comment on the smells or sights or beauty and he would probably have been thinking 'how much longer till we can get home and I can relax and have a beer'. Literally as soon as we'd get to the park, he'd have an excuse for leaving soon or tell me that he 'didn't want to be out long', was 'pretty tired from working and waking up early' or 'wanted to relax on his one day off'. Sorry, I find enjoying my days off outside to be a treat, not that he has to, but whatever.
Walking around by myself and with the dog I saw all these couples and families and they were all so happy and smiling and just relaxing and enjoying the day, not seemingly thinking, ok have we gone far enough can we turn around yet. Sitting on benches or by the water, just relaxing, etc. And it made me really excited to be free of this mess so that I can have someone to enjoy these things with again, without that underlying feeling that the person I'm with is all too loathe to be doing them.
I have a lot of work to be doing on myself. But it's a healthy reminder that others out there ARE happy, DO enjoy their relationships, SMILE, LAUGH, enjoy the OUTDOORS, and can find lots of fun things to do that do NOT involve ALCOHOL!
Sometimes being so caught up in the drama I had thought that this was what marriage was about--constant sacrifice, arguments, and giving up the things you love. I never had to give up the things I loved, I just had to be good enough to myself to realize I deserved to keep doing them despite what AH wanted to do. Getting back to those things now is very enjoyable. I've seen more of my friends in the past month than I saw them in a year! I feel so guilty for neglecting so many great friendships to the extent that I did, and lucky that they are so readily there for me now.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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I kind of like that he's being so crazy, because it keeps me angry at him and uncaring. If he were being nice I'd be a lot more confused right now.. I hope he keeps it up.
Peace. Glad you can see now.
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Learn2Live -- I get what you are saying about letting go of the anger, to a point.. but does this mean that I shouldn't allow myself to set standards and live by them? If someone offends me or crosses the line with the way they speak to me, do I not deserve to be angry and thereby remove myself from the situation? Should I not base my future decisions on what they have done in the past?
I realize I had a lot of anger pouring out in my post. I suppose that it's been a long time in the coming.. I did so much standing up for him, making excuses for the situation we were in and standing by his decisions and telling people everything was great when it never really was.. that it's like opening the flood gates. I'm looking at this person and totally confused as to why I put up with this.
So I guess my question is-- what would you guys do in these situations.. the ones I have ranted about in these posts? I want to stay strong in my resolve to move on with my life. I'm afraid that if I start acting caring and nice to him that he will take advantage of it. I'm afraid I could fall back into it. I want my eyes to stay open..
I want him to know that his actions hurt me, is that bad? I mean, if I hurt someone else I expect them to tell me.. that's not codependent is it?
I get that it's bad if I say the same thing over and over again, but what do I do when AH keeps asking me questions, about why I'm doing this or that, and will I drive him and do I care about him? What kind of response is there--I mean I have told the truth-- that he has called me some awful names this weekend and created drama that wasn't necessary. That after those actions I had no desire to do favors for him. Is this bad?
Today he asked if I had taken him off my insurance or cancelled his cell plan / taken him off my plan. I said no. He asked more questions about it and then said something like, 'for a minute there I thought you actually cared.' My response COULD have been 'i do care'. But that's not how I felt. My response instead was, 'you have called me all these awful names and accused me of doing disgusting things. It has sapped the love and care right out of me and I am angry at you. Now you want some kind of proof that I care for you--how does your mind work!'
Granted, more harsh than it needed to be, but I guess I am just sick of the poor me, no one loves me.
Then he told me that he was 'man enough' to say that he still cared about me even after 'all the verbal and physical abuse'. I find it hard to believe he considers me a physical abuser when he has been physically intimidating to me, thrown things around the house, smashed a beer bottle, etc. I have smashed something before, and the physical abuse refers to one time when I kept trying to apologize to him to 'create the peace' at the peak of my codependency. He was drunk and started insulting me int he worst ways possible. I poked him on the side of his head (he was laying down in bed) and asked what it would take to get it through his head. I feel awful for it. I apologized to him immediately and the next day for it. However I never received any apology for any of the awful things he said or did during that night. This was the day I decided I needed to change because I was becoming that which I hated so much. I felt out of control..
So what would you guys do? Turn off the phone? Ignore completely? How do you respond to the questions that come up?
I guess I have a lot more learning to do!
on another note, I can't WAIT to get home in an hour, my mom and dad are cooking dinner for me!! WOOO HOOO.
I realize I had a lot of anger pouring out in my post. I suppose that it's been a long time in the coming.. I did so much standing up for him, making excuses for the situation we were in and standing by his decisions and telling people everything was great when it never really was.. that it's like opening the flood gates. I'm looking at this person and totally confused as to why I put up with this.
So I guess my question is-- what would you guys do in these situations.. the ones I have ranted about in these posts? I want to stay strong in my resolve to move on with my life. I'm afraid that if I start acting caring and nice to him that he will take advantage of it. I'm afraid I could fall back into it. I want my eyes to stay open..
I want him to know that his actions hurt me, is that bad? I mean, if I hurt someone else I expect them to tell me.. that's not codependent is it?
I get that it's bad if I say the same thing over and over again, but what do I do when AH keeps asking me questions, about why I'm doing this or that, and will I drive him and do I care about him? What kind of response is there--I mean I have told the truth-- that he has called me some awful names this weekend and created drama that wasn't necessary. That after those actions I had no desire to do favors for him. Is this bad?
Today he asked if I had taken him off my insurance or cancelled his cell plan / taken him off my plan. I said no. He asked more questions about it and then said something like, 'for a minute there I thought you actually cared.' My response COULD have been 'i do care'. But that's not how I felt. My response instead was, 'you have called me all these awful names and accused me of doing disgusting things. It has sapped the love and care right out of me and I am angry at you. Now you want some kind of proof that I care for you--how does your mind work!'
Granted, more harsh than it needed to be, but I guess I am just sick of the poor me, no one loves me.
Then he told me that he was 'man enough' to say that he still cared about me even after 'all the verbal and physical abuse'. I find it hard to believe he considers me a physical abuser when he has been physically intimidating to me, thrown things around the house, smashed a beer bottle, etc. I have smashed something before, and the physical abuse refers to one time when I kept trying to apologize to him to 'create the peace' at the peak of my codependency. He was drunk and started insulting me int he worst ways possible. I poked him on the side of his head (he was laying down in bed) and asked what it would take to get it through his head. I feel awful for it. I apologized to him immediately and the next day for it. However I never received any apology for any of the awful things he said or did during that night. This was the day I decided I needed to change because I was becoming that which I hated so much. I felt out of control..
So what would you guys do? Turn off the phone? Ignore completely? How do you respond to the questions that come up?
I guess I have a lot more learning to do!
on another note, I can't WAIT to get home in an hour, my mom and dad are cooking dinner for me!! WOOO HOOO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Anger is programmed in us to let us know when we have been violated.
You have every right to be angry, feel angry.
Your anger tells you to act.
You get to decide how to do that in a rational manner that is in your best interest.
Set aside his manipulations and hypocrisy. It is all baloney. Sliced, diced and being served up to you without your wellbeing even entering the picture.
That is not love. That is not caring.
When it is time, you will leave anger behind and enjoy living a life free of this constant anger.
You have every right to be angry, feel angry.
Your anger tells you to act.
You get to decide how to do that in a rational manner that is in your best interest.
Set aside his manipulations and hypocrisy. It is all baloney. Sliced, diced and being served up to you without your wellbeing even entering the picture.
That is not love. That is not caring.
When it is time, you will leave anger behind and enjoy living a life free of this constant anger.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I agree that anger is a signal that something needs changing. In that context, it can be productive and motivating.
Anger, per se, is not bad. It's what we do with it that matters. If we 1)act out violently or 2)stay angry without taking any action to alleviate the cause, then the anger is harmful. It seems to me you are using the anger in the way that is most beneficial to you--as motivation to get out of the situation.
L
Anger, per se, is not bad. It's what we do with it that matters. If we 1)act out violently or 2)stay angry without taking any action to alleviate the cause, then the anger is harmful. It seems to me you are using the anger in the way that is most beneficial to you--as motivation to get out of the situation.
L
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