TakingCharge999

I feel like such an idiot for still caring and for still having my heart beat faster and feeling anxious around ex abf.

I had to work near him this morning and I just tried to breathe and think I could let out my anger at a later time. I even smiled a little trying to remember good stuff in my life like my cats. And to talk and do my stuff as he was not even there.

LTD we were given some notebooks and I went for the RED one to write down all my anger. The title will be "1001 ways of how I'd like you to be killed". Yup. I have never hated anyone so much

At least I felt angry instead of sad, angry for walking on eggshells, angry for absorbing his and my pain while he suffers no consequence at all, angry for still not being totally indifferent AS HE HAS BEEN FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW.

After I finished I climbed 5 stairs and that helped a little. I enjoyed the view from a 13th floor and saw the bright blue sky.. a very nice day and I felt so angry I have not enjoyed them fully 'scanning' the context to see if he is around, and relax if he isn't....

Then today they announced a merger that brings many opportunities for me, and I was glad I did not leave this company as I love it and I enjoy it and I said OK my job is more important this, I got no other choice but to LET GO dammit !! because NO I am not going anywhere.

My goal is to fill the Red Anger book, I wonder how I stored so much anger inside me!!

transformyself thanks again for your mantra, I repeated it over and over and it helped and still helps: ITS MY DECISION TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU. YOU ARE TOXIC. THIS IS FOR MY OWN GOOD. I KNOW YOUR TRUTH, YOU CAN FOOL ANYONE BUT NOT ME. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE FOR REAL. ITS MY DECISION TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU. YOU ARE TOXIC....


Man, November/December is when I arrived to SR last year totally broken, the same "party" context comes back again and with it the memories and flashbacks, I am just telling myself its only TWO MONTHS I got to endure until I make it , ONE YEAR of no personal contact and 2010 will bring new things and won't be as bad...

As soon as I leave work I will ask about some self defense and karate lessons I saw, I need to hit SOMETHING, I can't stand this feeling anymore!!

Then I saw him and thought, for this guy so much suffering? for this idiot talking about World of Warcraft levels. Capable of so much pain. No remorse.


It also helped me to think maybe he was so happy and smiley because he is drunk at work. IT helps, too.

Sometimes I wish I had never met this guy UGHHHHHHHHHH


*(Hey my boss just told me we need to go to another site, the university I studied before so I will be out in 2 hours!! THANK GOD)

LaTeeDa

Good for you! Fill that notebook! Get it all out. The anger, the sadness, the regret, the mourning, whatever you need to purge from your soul.

One thing that helped me is working very hard at creating NEW memories. Someone once said it's like recording over the old tapes. Instead of just storing those old tapes away, or trying to erase them, RECORD OVER THEM. This could be very healing for you.

Instead of avoiding the situations and places you went with him, make a conscious effort to go places and do things with other people and a new mindset, that will overwrite those places and things you were with him. It works. Those old painful memories can be REPLACED by new, happy ones. Holidays are an especially good time for this.

L

NYC_Chick

I did what LTD suggests to you. I went to Florence, Italy with xaddict bf. I went back 6 years later on my own European trip. He was very into photography. I went back to the exact same spots he photographed when we were fighting and he verbally abused me. I took pictures of the same things with my new professional camera and posted them to friends. The collection of pictures was called 'reclaiming florence'

I also did this with xabf. The last place to go to was the place we last saw each other where I kissed him goodbye. It was very healing and empowering!

Hugs! The anger letters will help

TakingCharge999

LTD thanks a lot. At least I am feeling more anger than sadness nowadays!!

Again come the company celebrations and today I was thinking, why the hell would I miss them?? to hell with him, I can even make a point on ATTENDING EACH ONE and just have a good time. Or be hurt again for everything but at least that would be more feelings to release that would stop enslaving me. And it would give me a sense that YES I CAN DO WHAT I WANT AND GO WHEREVER I WANT and his ghost has no power. His presence or abscence being a non-issue... THAT I can fake!!

Thanks LTD, as I stopped drinking and many places were bars or such, I do not want to go there anyway... but you are right, it had not occured to me, that I could go to the same beach he verbally abused, even to the same hotel and go with a friend or someone nice or by myself and make it so I spend a good time... perhaps do my soul searching work there and "talk" to him in my imagination... that is a good exercise thanks for the input.

If I face them "together" and the "happy picture" again , so what? If I see him happy so what.... hopefully I will see him getting drunk, that is almost a given so that can help me to know that yes he still thinks he can "cut back" and yes Alcohol still reigns in his life. And nothing substantial has changed at all and everything is the same. Good for me to remember that and see reality.


Writing my first angry page now...

This site is a life saver

I am so blessed to get out of here soon, with my boss and a friend that are nice to me, and have two days for myself away from this!!



I am just so angry ahhhhhhhhhh I just want to slap him hard while yelling LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMN YOU, I WANT OUT FROM THE WHOLE THING, THE HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE CRAWLING, HIDDEN IN THAT SMILE. I AM DONE WITH YOUR CRUELTY AND MADNESS, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU AT ALL. NOT NOW. NOT EVER.


Thanks for helping me not store these thoughts to eat me alive inside.

NY I read your post too, thanks a lot. I loved how you reclaimed Florence!! I will think of those symbolic places and make it all happen. In the job it is more complicated but a pic was taken with me and my dad, I looked FAB and I am planning to put that pic, some of the cats, and paint something so I make this space 100% MINE and personal and beautiful...

TakingCharge999

Oh I went to a beautiful little town when we were crazy about each other....
As it is, they play the Cathedral organ only ONCE in a year so I can find out when it is and GO!!

NY when you went to florence the 2nd time, didn't it stink at first? what did you feel? I am afraid I will break down there once again. But well even if I do... my last recollection would be then my own healing process, no longer good times with xabf and that would be a step forward.

TakingCharge999

At 630 I am going to a self defense/ karate etc. training place to ask about a free class!!!! Today I got angry again but went climb the stairs and it helped!! cant wait to kick or punch something !!!

Thanks for encouraging me to get this hurt out of me, I'm tired of it, I can't carry it anymore!! and yes my red notebook is next to me!! VERY HELPFUL..

transformyself

yes! I think it is the anger that keeps us from going back, gives us the distance we need to see the truth.

I'm so glad my mantra helps you..

I went back to the beach where we were married right after I found out about his affair and swam every day, took it back.

You can do this! You're such an inspiration..

NYC_Chick

TC: going back was not hard. I had long left the relationship behind, but always remembered Florence as a miserable place despite how beautiful it is. When I started photographing, I felt relieved. There is a merry go round by the Duomo. He took a lot of pictures of it as I sat on the sidewalk ready to cry. That was the first place I went and stood and reflected for a few mnutes before taking pictures. I took one of a baby on a horse with her mother holding her on. It came put amazing and my fried, who is a professional photographer thought it was excellent. now when I thinkof Florence I think of the little baby out for the day with her mom.

The last place I saw xabf was a bit harder, but not that bad. I stood there for a while because I knew I could not avoid that part of the city forever.

Keep moving! You will be okay : )

TakingCharge999

I am thinking about reclaiming the places...

The first one in my mind now is the bar where we went

/with the roomie we got when I first arrived, another coworker who never talked to me again after the breakup (just today I saw him and gave him a sweet smile from afar, I thought he was someone else and I did not bring my glasses LOL). The girlfriend of xabf was flirting with him then.

/with a girl friend xabf had
/with her best friend, current xabf girlfriend


When we hugged there, I recall her way of seeing us, from top to down kind of in envy. I recall all of us in his car, and she was making all kinds of drunken comments telling the roomie "and here I am trying to get your attention, a few crumbs of affection"...

Careful what you wish for.. now she got what she wanted and I am starting to truly feel compassion for anyone who buys this loser's lies.

I also recall when we left them in their house and the girls were going to KEEP DRINKING on a Wednesday.I recall xabf's comments about how good looking one was. WTF was I thinking?

I am thinking who I can invite to that bar. Damn I am getting all teary remembering that moment in my life but WTF. Hey in fact I used to get manicures, etc with a nice woman just next to that place. I think I will get a manicure. AND invite her to drink afterwards. Sounds like a good plan!! I will wait for my next paycheck and tell you how it goes.



Ah, the memories... oh no, then another bar nearby.... I recall how bored I was and once again the way she looked at us. I recalled I had nothing to do with that bunch. Nothing. They did not know and were not at all interested in me as I was not interested in them either. I will go there too and realize once again I am so much better staying at home with my cats!!

Also it is funny because I am getting over this without instant replacement, drink or close friends or whatever so it is really satisfying for me to pass by and start smiling and start being myself again.

There are people that recognize it and it is true, its priceless when I go about my stuff smiling, looking peaceful.. I like the feeling that goes with "even with everything you used... ALL your weapons in your extense hurting arsenal... look, I am still here... I am intelligent, I get you out of my life but I keep my job which is good... and I am feeling whole again regardless of your pictures and parades "

I am a long way from true health but I feel safe now and trusting what is real is what WE talk about here, not his endless lies!!



PS Ohh also last Friday when I was really shaken, I talked to someone else, who was my boss before and he told me "we all know you got a huge heart and it is an honor to be your friend" and I almost cried in his office.. lol ... he made me feel welcome and valued here !! good to know who your allies are...


Thanks for letting me vent and supporting me so much !!

wanting

My problem isn't places, but occasions. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Last Thanksgiving I invited OW and her boyfriend at that time. It makes me feel icky that I shared a family holiday with someone who ended up helping to destroy my family. I originally invited STBX this year, but ended up subtly univiting him after his sister and some of our friends said they wouldn't come if he was here. Honestly, I'm relieved. I only invited him, because I thought I would alienate his family if I didn't, but his dad and sister will both be here, so I am glad. I am looking forward to creating new memories. I plan to do a thing where people write things they're thankful for on little cut out leaves and we read them, and I'm sure there will be lots of Apples to Apples and cribbage going down. And football, I guess.

NYC_Chick

Hang in there, wanting. Holidays can be brutal, but it sounds like you have fun stuff planned.

TakingCharge999

Holidays, and December/January are hard times for many, I got so many triggerssss lately but its just these 2 months, in 2010 I am ONE YEAR CLEAR so I know I can do it!!!

Its fun to plan different stuff, instead of suffering I like to think about which presents I will give...

NYC I loved the image of the mom and the baby!!

transform there is the beach and little town too... oh well. I guess its one of the last steps to take to finalize XABF Exorcism.

NYC_Chick

TC: some of the images ste posted on a file sharing site. If you want to see that one, pm me and I'll send you the link when I get a chance to pull it up : )