nodaybut2day

Since moving into my parents' house, I've had to clean up, go through old boxes and throw a lot of useless stuff out. While clearing out the garage, I found several boxes with pictures, tapes of voice lessons, DVDs of the films I worked on, and TONS of diaries. I've been journaling on and off since I was 10, but at some point in my 20s, I started doing "The Artist's Way", which requires daily morning journaling, along with a weekly "artist's date" and a weekly walk. Though I was never quite diligent in completing the pages in the mornings, I did fill up many notebooks and journals.

What struck me was the fact that when I opened a diary from 2005 or so, I was already talking about my XAH, and according to my entries we were already fighting about alcohol, cigarettes and drugs! I had honestly forgotten those fights and my many anguished journal entries asking WHY WHY WHY??!!

I guess in hindsight, I'd reconstructed the past to be something less painful than what it actually was, to allow myself to continue being in a relationship with an abusive, self-centered, addicted s.o.b. I've always prided myself on having a GREAT memory of events, people and things, and yet somehow, I've managed to fool myself for several years by reinventing the person I was with and reshaping my own memories, allowing myself to save face and making my day to day easier somehow.

I'm so thankful that my leaving my X has brought these journals to my attention; it's almost like my HP dropped the gift of awareness in my lap and said "Here. Remember these?".

I plan on rereading them daily to remind myself of all the suffering I put myself through, and to help me proceed to a historiography of sorts, allowing me to rewrite those memories I suppressed and to paint the true picture of the man I was with for 6 years.

GiveLove

My journals - the voice of my past selves - have been priceless beyond measure to me in this way. Congratulations on adding this tool to your recovery toolkit!!

nowinsituation

A while back I had the same thing happen. Specifically during the time period between when I had called out my XAH on his drinking and when I moved out. One particular day when he had gotten extremely drunk, cooked dinner for us and left part of it on the stove, and another part in the microwave. Got very upset and yelled at our daughter for not eating. She pulled me aside and said she was scared of her Dad when he was angry. Yelled at the dog for no apparent reason. And just generally stumbled around the house mumbling to himself for the entire evening.....

And, I had forgotten completely about it all until I read it about a year later???? I didn't really journal very regularly, and I wonder how much else I don't remember. I guess it's part of the denial. Having the information in black and white, in our own words, is priceless!

tjp613

Don't forget.... you can use those in 'building your case' in court if you need them!!

I just got thru reading the chapter in Codependent No More about that very issue -- how we go blind to the red flags and hang onto the fantasy for much longer than we should. The good news is that you are taking your blinders OFF and you now have a long, beautiful life ahead of you!!

(((Hugs))))