cassandra2

Hello everyone.....

I have a issue that I thought I would bring to the table and get some feedback.

My RABF and I are doing well in our recoveries. I have slips every now and then. But I am learning and growing in the process. I have been spotting my behaviors and understanding how to process it and move on.

My issue is that sometimes I feel like the things that happened because of the addiction roller coaster maybe need to be addressed through communication. But I am not sure first of all why? I am thinking maybe the past should be left in the past. Or maybe not. Not sure about it.

Sometimes I feel like its the big pink elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. Sometimes my RABF opens up and talks about his addiction and his thinking process and his feelings and I feel that at those times it brings us closer. So I am not really sure if the reason I want to talk about these things is to so to speak clear the air or if I want to build a closer relationship or if its a control thing.

Do you kinda get what I am saying? I dont know where all this is coming from. I feel like I am in a place where the anger has subsided and I have let that go and am better able to handle talking about what used to be a painful and touchy subject.

I dont know maybe I am just rambling here. Does anyone understand what I am trying to say?

Its just that sometimes I feel like I am missing out on good opportunities to talk about things because I am trying to evaluate the benefit of talking about it or not. Is it control or I am a resorting to fixing again

Any insight.

gowest

To me and according to my fabulous therapist, we are supposed to be able to "voice" exactly what you said above. He has two caveats:
1) tone
2) you only get to ask once, but you can ask for anything once

I actually thought what you said sounds fine. To me you are expressing that there are things you'd like to talk about, but you are confused about how this would be perceived by your RABF.

I think at the appropriate tine you could express the above without it being a problem. He however, might not want to talk, but you can express your desire to talk.

I think you can express what you are thinking as long as you are ok with whatever the honest response is from your partner. Then let it go.

Callie

I know that for me, it helps me immensely to be able to have an open dialogue. Even when he was brutally honest about his drug use (how he got it, how he got $, how he did it, where he got it etc) through my disgust I felt a peace, I felt trust coming back. I think it was just the fact that he was actually TALKING to me and being honest about it that was a relief for me. After being lied to over and over again, after him avoiding conversation like the plague, he was doing the opposite. I didn't actually like what I was hearing, but it was nice to know the truth.

Chino

When I'm not sure of my motives I don't do or say anything until I am. There are a few things I'm still sitting on and I'm good with that. Took me a while to be comfortable with it in general, because holding my tongue was never my strong point

cassandra2

I think this best fits my situation. I am unsure of my motivation for talking to him about this. I dont want to know specifics or why he did x,y, or z I just dont want to feel that we can talk about everything before our split and when we got back together but not being able to talk about our journey apart. Does that make sense? I think that when I look back at the time period that we were seperated and think of today it reminds me of a bridge that broke. So in repairing the bridge we had to start repairing ourselves in order to rebuild the bridge of our relationship. But I am unsure if talking about it would help or not.

We dont talk to each other about our own recoveries. And I guess maybe I would like to share what I have learned about myself and how I played a role and the things that I am learning today. But what is the motivation for that? I guess that one I will have to sole search.

Chino

Making amends (step 9) has been the hardest thing for me. Not because I don't want to, it's the part about not causing injury. All the stuff I've learned has lead to making amends with several people and most of it unrelated to addiction (except my own addiction to control lol).

There was something I really wanted to say to my husband about the past, but the time was never right and I didn't want to blindside him with "we need to talk." Instead I let it go, trusting that if it needed to be said, the opportunity would present itself. Well, it did and oddly enough on our anniversary. We weren't having an intimate conversation either, but he said something that gave me my opening.

The oddest thing was it only took a couple of sentences, instead of the million paragraphs inside my head. All that time I sat on it gave me clarity that he could 100% understand and accept

cessy68

hey there punkin', you know I don't have the words you need right now.......... (I'm not there yet). (don't know if I ever will be).

However, I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

I also wanted you to know, that I read your threads, and although I may not have an answer or signifigant insight on the subject, I think of you, care for you, and pray for you.

You are always in my thoughts.

Love,
cess

cassandra2

I am so THANKFUL you wrote this. This is eerily similar to another post a few days ago about swimming up stream---forcing things to happen instead of letting things take the natural course.

The other day my RABF and I were talking about his addiction (which isnt often) and he started the conversation. We were at the bowling alley and he pointed out someone who he knew was high on pills. He started talking about it and then I asked a question and he kinda backed off saying he didnt want to talk about it because it was just gonna drudge up bad feelings and I dont want to fight. I told him that I was past the anger stage and that for me it was more of knowing that he lied about his use but somehow for some reason I needed to hear him say it. It has nothing to do anything except for hearing the TRUTH from the person who LIED to me about his use. It ended up being very enlightening. It wasnt any new information. Meaning it was all stuff I had heard before from this forum. The amount of pills he was snorting and how I would never truly knew the extent of his addiction because he wasnt honest with himself. So it was truly refreshing to finally hear the truth. It was icing on the cake that it wasnt forced ! It happened naturally. Just like it happened with you Chino.

So I will sit on this, put it on the shelf and wait for the opportunity to present itself and then bring it up. My gut tells me that I will have the opportunity. Its the fear of not being able to have the conversation at all that makes me anxious and start to force things.

A note to you Cess. Thanks for the support and kind words. I wish that you could get on this side of the fence its such a better place to be. Keep working on it and I will meet you there. Hugs to you hun.