megan09

Hi all. I am myself a recovering alcoholic (3 and 1/2 years clean). A year ago I ended 9 year relationship with my alcoholic partner. When push came to shove he choose the booze over me and our 4 year old son. We had drank together for 7 years; as u can imagine it was very volatile and we were constantly splitting up. Eventually we lived in 2 separate homes, although my 'fantasy' was that he would clean up and we would once again live together. How could I have been so stupid? He has a new gf now, and has not seen our son in 6 weeks. I feel as if the man I loved did not really exist, only this 'creature' who is like a stranger to me. He is surrounded by enablers, both his so-called friends and his family; I was the only one to confront him so I guess I had to go. He has, of course, painted himself whiter-than-white to them, and has blamed me for everything! I am having counselling and am attending Al-Anon, and have no contact with him at this point. I am having a hard time dealing with the rejection; my counsellor says my core issue is the belief that I am not good enough. Even though I have this illness myself I still am having a really hard time accepting what has happened. I am better than I was, and I have faith that I will get through and will have learned some really important lessons, but I would like to hear from other people who have been affected by their partner's alcoholism. At times he made me feel so loved, at other times though, so worthless. He abandoned me emotionally and physically many, many times until I couldn't take the pain anymore and ended the relationship. I know a part of me hoped that he would see sense, but he hasn't done so and shows no sign of wanting to look at himself. I now need to move forward. Thanks.

Chrysalis123

Hi, I am a recovering co-dependent and have been effected by my XAH's drinking. I was devasted when he betrayed me in various ways, a few years ago and it hit my self esteem hard. I've been crawling out of that mess for the last few years by working on me. It has been almost a full time job!

I was in a 20 year relationship with him and that was my addiction. It has been tough to break away and I am now to as much no contact as possible with 2 children.

I now realize there is more to him than just alcoholism and by that I mean he has a personality disorder as well. I needed a lot of therapy to help me save myself and my kids.

The good news is I am feeling stronger every day as I work my own recovery. I am sorry for your suffering, and you have found a great place here.

tigger11

Welcome, Megan! We're glad you're here.


I'm too new to offer much help, but know that the folks here are incredibly supportive and here to help. As the wife of an alcoholic husband, I relate to you a bunch!

Stick around... you'll be glad you did.

trapeze

Megan, welcome.

What has helped me is understanding that my alcoholic husband's choices were not a reflection of me as a person. That sounds so simple, but I know it isn't.

Sorry for your pain.

megan09

Thanks for posts of support The last 2 years I was with xbf I was in recovery and it was so difficult when he was drinking. I knew if I carried on with the relationship and the roller-coaster of emotions that I was eventually going to drink again myself. He kept saying that he would sort his drinking out, then he got defensive about it. Then he denied having a problem at all with drink. His family don't bother with me either as they support him and deny that he has a problem (his father is an alcoholic). I am the 'scapegoat' for them all! If I had stayed with him and drank again, who would look after our son then? I have two older children by previous relationship as well; they are so proud of me for my recovery. I have had a really tough year, but at least Xmas this year will be peaceful. Last year was difficult for me, the years before that destroyed by alcoholism. I pray for courage, faith and direction every day.

trapeze

I forgot to say: Congratulations on your sobriety.

Dreamer42long

Welcome Megan and Congratulations on your sobriety. The fact that you have been sober for 3-1/2 years shows strength, so I know that you will kick this addictive relationship also. It will just take time, but have faith and keep visiting!

This site has given me much strength, and it will for you too!

megan09

This may sound stupid considering I am an alcoholic myself, but I feel so second best to alcohol. I didnt believe he would choose it over our family, but he did. And since splitting he has been abusive to me, either totally ignoring me or being angry with me when he picked our son up. I was very intimidated by his behaviour, and when I tried to tell him he told me that he would now wait for me to contact him over our son, and that he was now going to delete my mobile number from his phone, which I believe he did. It seems incredibly immature, and controlling; as though he is saying 'Don't say anything to me that forces me to look at my own behaviour because I don't want to, and I will punish you by not seeing our son until you tow the line again'. Well this time I have not made the effort to contact him, I will no longer be bullied or controlled by him or anyone else. It is his contact and he has to sort it out himself. He has already informed me a long time ago that he will never go to court over our son; a kind of blackmail in reverse. I think it is because he doesn't want his alcoholism brought out into the open. Who is this man? I didn't realise he could be so unkind, although that is a dull thing to say because he was incredibly unking to me on many occasions. It has been a traumatic time for me, I am on anti-depressants and have been severely depressed. The good news is that I have not picked up a drink through all this, although I could hear it calling me on many occasion throughout the last year. That would not make anything better; just a lot worse. I must be worth more than what I have accepted in the past.

canuckch

I just wanted to say Welcome to SR and congratulations on your sobriety.
Blackmail in reverse? I am sorry, I guess I am just stuck on this part of your post. I feel so sorry for your son. Even do at 4 he still seems like a toddler, I am sure his wheels are spinning. They understand so much already if not everything at that age. I hope you manage to protect him from feeling unloved or rejected by his dad. You have a big job at hand. Stick around. Vent anytime. Hugs

megan09

By 'blackmail in reverse' I mean that usually people threaten ex partners with court proceedings, but this man has threatened NOT to take me to court! Thanks for support.

naive

hi megan-

just want to encourage you in your resolve not to drink during all of this upheaval. as you know, there is not one problem that drinking makes better.

i understand what you mean when you say "blackmail in reverse"...it's because you want him to have a relationship with his son, so he treatens to withhold this. obviously, he is trying to punish YOU but hurting the boy as a result also.

i find they will use anything we want or desire to manipulate us. in my case, i wanted him to stop drinking so anytime we argued, he would say "i'm going to go out and get drunk".

it's exhausting. best to cut that cord.

i'm sorry he isn't being a father. but, if he is still actively drinking, it probably is best that he's not around. alcoholics do a lot of damage to young developing emotional bodies.

i know it might be hard to see, but you are lucky he is not willing to fight in court. i imagine that many women here wish theirs wouldn't. in this case, it has backfired and the winner is you!