New here and need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2
New here and need advice
Hello all,
I was glad to find this site and I'm hoping for a little advice. I'll avoid the long-version of the story and just say that I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I knew he drank, but he lied and hid things from me for months. Now it is so bad he can no longer hide it, and I have hit my limit. He also suffers from depression, and I fear just leaving him in the cold will be a bad thing. I also know I can't change him and I never tried, but I have to watch out for me and my kids. His parents are in town, and continue to support him financially. He has been in a bad place before and they have had to pull him out, so I know they are aware of some of his problems. Do I let the parents know how bad his drinking has gotten and that I'm getting out, or do I not say anything to them and just hope he deals with it? I really feel bad, but I have gone beyond broken-hearted and now just sit in frustration.
I was glad to find this site and I'm hoping for a little advice. I'll avoid the long-version of the story and just say that I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I knew he drank, but he lied and hid things from me for months. Now it is so bad he can no longer hide it, and I have hit my limit. He also suffers from depression, and I fear just leaving him in the cold will be a bad thing. I also know I can't change him and I never tried, but I have to watch out for me and my kids. His parents are in town, and continue to support him financially. He has been in a bad place before and they have had to pull him out, so I know they are aware of some of his problems. Do I let the parents know how bad his drinking has gotten and that I'm getting out, or do I not say anything to them and just hope he deals with it? I really feel bad, but I have gone beyond broken-hearted and now just sit in frustration.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Welcome to Sober Recovery JustaName. I'm so glad you found us too.
And I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a common scenario among our community members, so I know it'll strike a familiar chord with lots of people. I'm glad you're realizing NOW that you aren't willing to live like this any more (as opposed to many years later) but I know that doesn't make it any easier.
We like to remind people of the 3 C's:
You did not cause his alcoholism
You can not control his alcoholism
You will not cure his alcoholism
Whether you tell his parents, or don't tell his parents, or do it now or later, these things ultimately won't matter. He will seek help only when he is ready to do so, no matter what you or they have to say about it. I'm sorry they enable him, because it has probably kept him from hitting bottom and seeking help, but that's not something that's under your control.
The only thing under your control is your life, your happiness, your kids' well-being. These things you can do something about. He is a grown man who managed without you up until 8 months ago, and can manage without you again just as well (or as badly - again, not something you are in charge of)
I hope you will stick around, read the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum, and read some of our stories here. You will find a number of ways people have learned to regain their happiness even with an alcoholic loved one in their lives.
Big hugs to you
And I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a common scenario among our community members, so I know it'll strike a familiar chord with lots of people. I'm glad you're realizing NOW that you aren't willing to live like this any more (as opposed to many years later) but I know that doesn't make it any easier.
We like to remind people of the 3 C's:
You did not cause his alcoholism
You can not control his alcoholism
You will not cure his alcoholism
Whether you tell his parents, or don't tell his parents, or do it now or later, these things ultimately won't matter. He will seek help only when he is ready to do so, no matter what you or they have to say about it. I'm sorry they enable him, because it has probably kept him from hitting bottom and seeking help, but that's not something that's under your control.
The only thing under your control is your life, your happiness, your kids' well-being. These things you can do something about. He is a grown man who managed without you up until 8 months ago, and can manage without you again just as well (or as badly - again, not something you are in charge of)
I hope you will stick around, read the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum, and read some of our stories here. You will find a number of ways people have learned to regain their happiness even with an alcoholic loved one in their lives.
Big hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Sadly there is little you can do to help him. Taking care of him actually helps him to continue to drink. It is the negative consequences that usually motivate them to get sober.
It is up to you how much you can deal with and likely frustrate and confound yourself further. Factually alcoholism is progressive and unless they enter recover, they deteriorate.
If he lives with you the situation can worsen til you feel like you are at the gates of hell. Read up on setting boundaries, detaching with love, etc etc.
See if his parents are willing to speak to an addiction counselor or psychiatrist with alcoholism experience. His parents are not really helping either by continuing to support him.
It is up to you how much you can deal with and likely frustrate and confound yourself further. Factually alcoholism is progressive and unless they enter recover, they deteriorate.
If he lives with you the situation can worsen til you feel like you are at the gates of hell. Read up on setting boundaries, detaching with love, etc etc.
See if his parents are willing to speak to an addiction counselor or psychiatrist with alcoholism experience. His parents are not really helping either by continuing to support him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2
Thanks for the help.
My parents are both alcoholics, so I do know that I can not do anything about it, and I have been understanding and not controlling or angry/accusing about the drinking. He has unfortunately hit a true rock bottom before, and I met him on his climb back out. I did not know this at the time, and he is still very private about the past because he's afraid I would leave if I knew. He just tells me that his past was very dark and he's had a hard life. I suspect drugs may have been involved as well. He also has OCD/depression whick contributes to his need for relief through alcohol.
Unfortunately, by not knowing, I was also helping...not by getting alcohol for him or paying bills, but by having food around which he ate which gave him more of his own money to spend on alcohol. His last girlfriend killed herself and sent him to a nervous breakdown/lost his job, etc. He moved to my town and got help from his parents rebuilding his life, getting a job etc. That was all about 5 years ago. However, they still help him too much by paying his rent, his bills, and giving him spending money. He does not make much money in his job, but his parents think he is doing much better than he is, which is why they help so much. Unfortunately, I am just now finding all this out myself in small pieces, since he keeps so private.
He never officially moved in, but he does show up every night at some point and eats/drinks what he can find/gets caught up in a videogame and eventually passes out well after I have gone to bed. That is definitely NOT what the relationship used to be. I have a hard time even calling it a relationship anymore and find myself trying to escape sometimes by sleeping on the couch or being gone when he comes over. I am going to try sending him back to staying at his place every night and avoiding requests to go out with him for a while (I always pay the bill) and see where he goes. I want to be a friend, but I need to protect myself.
My parents are both alcoholics, so I do know that I can not do anything about it, and I have been understanding and not controlling or angry/accusing about the drinking. He has unfortunately hit a true rock bottom before, and I met him on his climb back out. I did not know this at the time, and he is still very private about the past because he's afraid I would leave if I knew. He just tells me that his past was very dark and he's had a hard life. I suspect drugs may have been involved as well. He also has OCD/depression whick contributes to his need for relief through alcohol.
Unfortunately, by not knowing, I was also helping...not by getting alcohol for him or paying bills, but by having food around which he ate which gave him more of his own money to spend on alcohol. His last girlfriend killed herself and sent him to a nervous breakdown/lost his job, etc. He moved to my town and got help from his parents rebuilding his life, getting a job etc. That was all about 5 years ago. However, they still help him too much by paying his rent, his bills, and giving him spending money. He does not make much money in his job, but his parents think he is doing much better than he is, which is why they help so much. Unfortunately, I am just now finding all this out myself in small pieces, since he keeps so private.
He never officially moved in, but he does show up every night at some point and eats/drinks what he can find/gets caught up in a videogame and eventually passes out well after I have gone to bed. That is definitely NOT what the relationship used to be. I have a hard time even calling it a relationship anymore and find myself trying to escape sometimes by sleeping on the couch or being gone when he comes over. I am going to try sending him back to staying at his place every night and avoiding requests to go out with him for a while (I always pay the bill) and see where he goes. I want to be a friend, but I need to protect myself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 31
I have talked to my boyfriends mom about his drinking...but later I feel awful about it - I didnt bring it to her attention though - she knew about it before I did - she always told me about it but I refused to believe her "perfect son" had anything wrong with him. I personally wouldnt tell them - I think that is his job to do once, and if he chooses to change his ways. But either way Im willing to bet that his family will find out on their own. Depending on how he reacts to things - he may hold this against you and use it as something to blame you for - It amazes me how much my boyfriend would scavenge for reasons to blame me for anything he can - maybe bc deep down he knows that he is the real reason for many of our problems. BUt at the same time - not telling them is like protecting him from his truth. I really dont know - I hope you figure this out :/
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 5
My personal opinion is that his parents probably know more than you think. He has had the problem before and I think parents are some of the hardest people to hide these things from. They either know and are not letting you on that they have their suspiscions, to not get involved. Or they know are are choosing to ignore it, and if that is the case then that it their own problem.
I think if you are getting out and have only been together 8 months, it really isn't your place to get involved with his parents. Doing so will only get you MORE emotionally attached and make it harder to leave.
But ultimately you need to do what you feel is right and what will make you happy with your choice.
Good luck!
I think if you are getting out and have only been together 8 months, it really isn't your place to get involved with his parents. Doing so will only get you MORE emotionally attached and make it harder to leave.
But ultimately you need to do what you feel is right and what will make you happy with your choice.
Good luck!
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