Can a relationship survive alcoholism?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
Can a relationship survive alcoholism?
I feel really down today, I am thinking whether a relationship can survive the ravages of alcoholism. Is there anyone out there who this has happend to and they have managed to rebuild their relationship? I would love to hear your story.
I feel at a loss. I feel out of my depth. The unpredictable nature of alcoholism is now so predictable. I think that I will never escape this nightmare, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most of the time my abf is so blase about the problem, but sometimes there is a glimmer of hope when he says that he knows he has a problem. He has booked an appointment to see a alcohol dependency specialist on Monday, and I am going too, so a bit nervous about that.
I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, I do not know how I got here. I do not like to think about this too much as I feel despair. It is much easier not to think about it but then I cannot escape the truth. I am really trying to hold it all together but it is really hard. I am on holiday for a week and I wanted to get away from it all but was too afraid to go on holiday by myself. I just could not face being alone abroad and was worrying about what would happen to him and what I would face when I got home. it just did not seem worth it. So now I am stuck with my own self pitying thoughts and it's not fun.
I am really losing respect for myself. Has this happened to anyone? How do I pick myself up? Sorry for the negative rant - just in a bad place today.
x
I feel at a loss. I feel out of my depth. The unpredictable nature of alcoholism is now so predictable. I think that I will never escape this nightmare, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most of the time my abf is so blase about the problem, but sometimes there is a glimmer of hope when he says that he knows he has a problem. He has booked an appointment to see a alcohol dependency specialist on Monday, and I am going too, so a bit nervous about that.
I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, I do not know how I got here. I do not like to think about this too much as I feel despair. It is much easier not to think about it but then I cannot escape the truth. I am really trying to hold it all together but it is really hard. I am on holiday for a week and I wanted to get away from it all but was too afraid to go on holiday by myself. I just could not face being alone abroad and was worrying about what would happen to him and what I would face when I got home. it just did not seem worth it. So now I am stuck with my own self pitying thoughts and it's not fun.
I am really losing respect for myself. Has this happened to anyone? How do I pick myself up? Sorry for the negative rant - just in a bad place today.
x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, I do not know how I got here.
I do not like to think about this too much as I feel despair. It is much easier not to think about it but then I cannot escape the truth. I am really trying to hold it all together but it is really hard.
The search is what anyone would undertake if he were not sunk in the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair. --Walker Percy
Get yourself "onto something" girl. Seems to me that right now, the best "something" to "get onto" would be a holiday to another locale.
I am on holiday for a week and I wanted to get away from it all but was too afraid to go on holiday by myself. I just could not face being alone abroad ... it just did not seem worth it.
At age 31 or 32, I backpacked Europe ALONE. Six weeks. It was the most courageous thing I had EVER done and when I returned to the States, as soon as I stepped off that airplane I KNEW I could do anything I set my mind to. This was about a year after I got away from my alcoholic, drug-addicted, cheating fiance. GO! Just go! Of course you are capable of doing it on your own.
So now I am stuck with my own self pitying thoughts and it's not fun ... I am really losing respect for myself.
How do I pick myself up?
Sorry for the negative rant - just in a bad place today.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
worrying about what would happen to him and what I would face when I got home
My dear friend,
You have described a babysitting situation, not a relationship. It's no wonder you are feeling exhausted. You are spending all your time and energy anticipating, reacting, controlling, fixing and supporting someone else's life.
It's not too late to change your mind and make a plan for yourself this holiday. He is an adult and can take himself to see the counselor.
You need to find a day or two or three or more, to focus on your needs. Replenish your energy for yourself. You should find a way to pamper yourself.
I remember the first time I just made a plan to spend time for myself and took a trip out of state to visit my daughter. It was all last minute. Packed up and left. It was liberating. It was not, however, relaxing. I kept my AH and our problems in my head most of the trip. I had a few moments of clarity, just enough to feed my soul - so it was worth it!
We have an expression around here:
"Don't let your A take up space in your head rent free".
That means you need to learn to detach with love from the alcoholic and their problems. You need to remember that you are important, your needs are important, you self love is important, and your life is important! It is not easy, but it can be done one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time.
The following is from an Alanon brochure on detachment:
"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively."
"Alcholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help."
"In Alanon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it."
"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession withanother's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."
My dear friend,
You have described a babysitting situation, not a relationship. It's no wonder you are feeling exhausted. You are spending all your time and energy anticipating, reacting, controlling, fixing and supporting someone else's life.
It's not too late to change your mind and make a plan for yourself this holiday. He is an adult and can take himself to see the counselor.
You need to find a day or two or three or more, to focus on your needs. Replenish your energy for yourself. You should find a way to pamper yourself.
I remember the first time I just made a plan to spend time for myself and took a trip out of state to visit my daughter. It was all last minute. Packed up and left. It was liberating. It was not, however, relaxing. I kept my AH and our problems in my head most of the trip. I had a few moments of clarity, just enough to feed my soul - so it was worth it!
We have an expression around here:
"Don't let your A take up space in your head rent free".
That means you need to learn to detach with love from the alcoholic and their problems. You need to remember that you are important, your needs are important, you self love is important, and your life is important! It is not easy, but it can be done one day at a time. Sometimes one moment at a time.
The following is from an Alanon brochure on detachment:
"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. Separating ourselves from the adverse effects of another person's alcoholism can be a means of detaching: this does not necessarily require physical separation. Detachment can help us look at our situations realistically and objectively."
"Alcholism is a family disease. Living with the effects of someone else's drinking is too devastating for most people to bear without help."
"In Alanon we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking. We are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it."
"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession withanother's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves. We can still love the person without liking the behavior."
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Dear Summer 09 if you can still get away I strongly recommend you do! My xabf and I broke up in May this year. Despite our problems I loved him. Like you I am from the UK - the Midlands. I went to Bournemouth by myself in August for a week. I was dreading it as had not done it before. But I loved it - it did me the world of good! On the advice of TC999, Bookwyrm and some other great members on here I took Co-Dependent No More. It was the beginning of a journey for me - one which is still ongoing where I am working on myself and my past issues with my xabf and how I let myself get into that situation and how not do to it again - best thing I ever did! You won't regret it! (Europe's expensive right now - England's great - cold!! And wet right now!! But great! Good luck XX
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
You have described a babysitting situation, not a relationship. It's no wonder you are feeling exhausted. You are spending all your time and energy anticipating, reacting, controlling, fixing and supporting someone else's life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
Thank you all for your comforting words. I had originally planned to go on hols with my partner but I realised that it would be a nightmare being abroad with an active drinker! So I thought yes I can go alone but then the fear kicked in. Fear is taking over my life, but I have been reading some excellent posts on here. Thanks for your support .
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
As crazy as this sounds, the healthy choice is to walk through your fear instead of avoiding your fear.
When you reach the other side, you will find a stronger, wiser YOU.
You have a lot of support here as you begin your journey, one step at a time.
When you reach the other side, you will find a stronger, wiser YOU.
You have a lot of support here as you begin your journey, one step at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
That is so true Pelican. I remember when my xabf and I broke up. Although I was majorly gutted at losing him (because we did have a lot of good times - I know I am one of the lucky ones on here - I never got to live with him as I refused until he sorted himself out -half of my problem was I was so scared of being alone. It's weird because before him I was alone happily and by choice for years. I am now alone by choice again. I don't feel ready for another relationship after the way he's scarred me. But do you know, being alone isn't that bad a thing. Plenty of time to catch up with friends and go out with them, make new ones (either face to face or in cyberland!!!) Plenty of time to work on myself - going to the gym, learning new things, reading, watching DVDs I've had for months or years and not had the chance to. It's been great. Summer you really have nothing to fear. As I said I went to Bournemouth on my own for a week in August. Met some great people there and am in touch with one of them on FB - she's been an ongoing support to me ever since (her partner is a recovering alcoholic!) Trust me, when you realise your own inner strength it does wonders for your confidence and self esteem - much as though my ex was lovely to me most of the time, I realise he had been slowly chipping away at my confidence and self esteem when he used to randomly finish with me!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Dublin, OH
Posts: 5
I know the feeling all too well. The last 3 years with my sober AW have been some of the lonliest times of my life. I stay for the children as they do not deserve to be alone but would continue to be if I were not here.
I like the idea of walking through my fear and taking some me time. Fortunately I have begun traveling for work again and get some amount of time out. Maybe at some point there will be some happiness out there.
I like the idea of walking through my fear and taking some me time. Fortunately I have begun traveling for work again and get some amount of time out. Maybe at some point there will be some happiness out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 47
welcome niteofdarkness.
It feels good to feel that I am not alone because in my life at the moment I do feel like I am dealing with this on my own. I have isolated myself for many reasons but only now feeling the strain. Thanks to SR for being there!
It feels good to feel that I am not alone because in my life at the moment I do feel like I am dealing with this on my own. I have isolated myself for many reasons but only now feeling the strain. Thanks to SR for being there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Dublin, OH
Posts: 5
Thanks Summer, Pelican,
Not sure how to go about a new thread and didn't mean to poke in on someone elses. Just seemed to be some people out there with similar issues. Have always been more of an objectivist and not quite sure how to wrestle with personal needs and the duties of being a father.
Thanks
Not sure how to go about a new thread and didn't mean to poke in on someone elses. Just seemed to be some people out there with similar issues. Have always been more of an objectivist and not quite sure how to wrestle with personal needs and the duties of being a father.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: B.C. Canada
Posts: 16
So many good posts, it brings my feelings to the surface, in the 4yrs I was with my ex there was more peace than war, but it was a lonely existence, we were like roomates, we had basically a sexless relationship and he would keep his 5th wheel set up in a park to go and drink to excess and sleep with promiscuous gals, he told me he wasn't into me that way but he liked the security and be taken care of, I ended our relationship and asked for absolutely no contact.I so wanted things to be different but, If nothing changes, then nothing changes. It's hard not to get down on oneself, my codependent nature does not and has not served me well, and I want to work towards changing that part of me. Time to read codependent no more, again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by summer09 
I feel really down today, I am thinking whether a relationship can survive the ravages of alcoholism. Is there anyone out there who this has happend to and they have managed to rebuild their relationship? I would love to hear your story.
I am working at rebuilding my relationship. BUT, he had to get sober for that to happen, ON HIS OWN. Sounds like you are way ahead of things since he doesn't seem to be quite ready to face his problem.
I feel at a loss. I feel out of my depth. The unpredictable nature of alcoholism is now so predictable. I think that I will never escape this nightmare, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most of the time my abf is so blase about the problem, but sometimes there is a glimmer of hope when he says that he knows he has a problem. He has booked an appointment to see a alcohol dependency specialist on Monday, and I am going too, so a bit nervous about that.
This was identical for me. Weekend warrior. I was the stick in the mud, bringing his party down, trying to control him - he was just trying to have fun, blow off steam - after all he worked hard all week and deserved to have fun. Turned into a washing machine cycle - every weekend, rinse, repeat. By my will he went to a few alcohol management programs, nothing stuck. Because he wasn't doing it for himself, he was doing it to get me off his back.
I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, I do not know how I got here. I do not like to think about this too much as I feel despair. It is much easier not to think about it but then I cannot escape the truth. I am really trying to hold it all together but it is really hard. I am on holiday for a week and I wanted to get away from it all but was too afraid to go on holiday by myself. I just could not face being alone abroad and was worrying about what would happen to him and what I would face when I got home. it just did not seem worth it. So now I am stuck with my own self pitying thoughts and it's not fun.
Same here. One day we're great, best friends, partying together, love of my life. slowly starts to chip away and then one day i start realizing that there is a problem. Was in denial for many years, pretending it wasn't that much of an issue, hoping it would go away, not wanting to face what admission of a problem would bring - the reality that my relationship wasn't perfect, that it wasn't what I had dreamed my life would be like. I would dread the weekend starting Wednesday, just as I got over what happened the previous weekend. It was really no way to live.
I am really losing respect for myself. Has this happened to anyone? How do I pick myself up? Sorry for the negative rant - just in a bad place today.
x
I am working at rebuilding my relationship. BUT, he had to get sober for that to happen, ON HIS OWN. Sounds like you are way ahead of things since he doesn't seem to be quite ready to face his problem.
I feel at a loss. I feel out of my depth. The unpredictable nature of alcoholism is now so predictable. I think that I will never escape this nightmare, I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most of the time my abf is so blase about the problem, but sometimes there is a glimmer of hope when he says that he knows he has a problem. He has booked an appointment to see a alcohol dependency specialist on Monday, and I am going too, so a bit nervous about that.
This was identical for me. Weekend warrior. I was the stick in the mud, bringing his party down, trying to control him - he was just trying to have fun, blow off steam - after all he worked hard all week and deserved to have fun. Turned into a washing machine cycle - every weekend, rinse, repeat. By my will he went to a few alcohol management programs, nothing stuck. Because he wasn't doing it for himself, he was doing it to get me off his back.
I just cannot believe that I am in this situation, I do not know how I got here. I do not like to think about this too much as I feel despair. It is much easier not to think about it but then I cannot escape the truth. I am really trying to hold it all together but it is really hard. I am on holiday for a week and I wanted to get away from it all but was too afraid to go on holiday by myself. I just could not face being alone abroad and was worrying about what would happen to him and what I would face when I got home. it just did not seem worth it. So now I am stuck with my own self pitying thoughts and it's not fun.
Same here. One day we're great, best friends, partying together, love of my life. slowly starts to chip away and then one day i start realizing that there is a problem. Was in denial for many years, pretending it wasn't that much of an issue, hoping it would go away, not wanting to face what admission of a problem would bring - the reality that my relationship wasn't perfect, that it wasn't what I had dreamed my life would be like. I would dread the weekend starting Wednesday, just as I got over what happened the previous weekend. It was really no way to live.
I am really losing respect for myself. Has this happened to anyone? How do I pick myself up? Sorry for the negative rant - just in a bad place today.
x
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
trying to manage a drunken spouse whenever we were out - anything to keep him in check and get him home without too much embarrassment. Anxiety when he was out. Blasting him when he got home. Silent treatment. Threats. Looking through his wallet and phone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Dublin, OH
Posts: 5
Can a relationship survive alcoholism?
Oh, so it wasn't just me? Don't forget the 2am hang up calls when they did actually make it home just to pass out. My problem is when the calls kept up after sobriety. Makes forgiveness a little difficult. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 31
While I wish and hope my relationship with survive I really never know. Although I do have a story of a couple who were able to survive the illness...my parents. My mom met my stepdad when I was 5 - She never realized that he had a drinking problem until they went to Las Vegas on vacation - she didnt realize that his temper had slowly been building all day bc she didnt know the signs - but out of nowhere he started yelling, throwing things and calling her horrible names. She was terrified and when they got home she left and didnt see him for a few months - They met up again and saw each other awhile and ended up moving in together - One day he got mad again while on a binge and started yelling and cussing at her and my older brother - my mother told him we were leaving and we all did. HE called her at my grandparents house where we were staying and told her he was going to treatment - he was in treatment for 8 weeks and has now been sober for over 18 years. My mom emailed me this morning when she was talking to me about my own situation with my boyfriend and told me that he has been a wonderful husband all these years. One thing I have seen that she has done that may have been what helped is she stuck to her words - her words werent threats to get a reaction out of him - they were just promises that she would NOT stick around while he was sick. This is something I am still learning how to do - I threaten things to make my bf change but they dont do anything but show him he can control me, bc I never stick to my words the way my mom did. But that isnt the secret to fixing an alcoholic - my step dad also WANTED to get better and stopped blaming everyone for his problems and accepted the fact that he had caused them himself. The only way for a relashionship to survive is if the alcoholic WANTS to change and commits to it and understands why. There is NOTHING that we can do to make them change. We can only change how we let there actions affect us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
My brother is an alcoholic. Classic hitting bottom story, divorce, bankruptcy, got in legal trouble. He cleaned up, sobered up and remarried his ex-wife. That was 16 years ago. They are still married and appear to be happy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
