UGH. i don't understand.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
UGH. i don't understand.
i just defriended xabf on facebook. it was becoming too much of an obsession for me, constantly checking his profile, his updated photos, his wall posts, his events, asking myself is that girl going too that i think he might be dating now?
i couldn't have the constant daily reminder that he never cared about me the way i thought he did, nor the fact that he isn't in my life any more. what's the point if that is my only connection to him? i had to do it for my own sanity. i'd get a sick feeling in my stomach every time he updated, or someone posted something. so i defriended. it's been a long time coming.
of course i immediately felt sad. i cried. as insignificant and trivial a medium that facebook is, it really affected me.
not even 20 minutes later he sends me a message: 'thanks'
thanks for what? for defriending him? he obviously doesn't give a sh*t about me so why even send me that message? i'm confused and angry and upset now and i don't understand it. any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
i couldn't have the constant daily reminder that he never cared about me the way i thought he did, nor the fact that he isn't in my life any more. what's the point if that is my only connection to him? i had to do it for my own sanity. i'd get a sick feeling in my stomach every time he updated, or someone posted something. so i defriended. it's been a long time coming.
of course i immediately felt sad. i cried. as insignificant and trivial a medium that facebook is, it really affected me.
not even 20 minutes later he sends me a message: 'thanks'
thanks for what? for defriending him? he obviously doesn't give a sh*t about me so why even send me that message? i'm confused and angry and upset now and i don't understand it. any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi queenie!! HUGS!!
Have you blocked him as well so he cannot see your page? I dont remember the settings but if you don't find it easily I can check for you.
Can you block his email from your email accounts too?
It killed me to think xaf could write, etc and he didn't, so if I blocked him I just would not know.
It is a really great step. Its starting to accept that he will no longer be part of your life... although it is painful you got to get through this, you have to let go to receive again. I promise you will feel much better not knowing about him! I thought I would feel even worse, but no, quite the contrary!! GOOD JOB!!
His message, well who cares what he meant. Maybe he had a few and wanted to send a thanks to someone else. When in doubt, try to imagine the scenario that makes you feel better. I am an EXPERT on twisting everything for the worse!! so just imagine he was out drinking, came home and started sending garbage to random people. Imagine at ths time, he is still passed out with his face getting marks due to the keyboard LOL!!
Have you blocked him as well so he cannot see your page? I dont remember the settings but if you don't find it easily I can check for you.
Can you block his email from your email accounts too?
It killed me to think xaf could write, etc and he didn't, so if I blocked him I just would not know.
It is a really great step. Its starting to accept that he will no longer be part of your life... although it is painful you got to get through this, you have to let go to receive again. I promise you will feel much better not knowing about him! I thought I would feel even worse, but no, quite the contrary!! GOOD JOB!!
His message, well who cares what he meant. Maybe he had a few and wanted to send a thanks to someone else. When in doubt, try to imagine the scenario that makes you feel better. I am an EXPERT on twisting everything for the worse!! so just imagine he was out drinking, came home and started sending garbage to random people. Imagine at ths time, he is still passed out with his face getting marks due to the keyboard LOL!!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Cut him off everything. I wonder at him sending you that message, and as he didn't block you from his FB page, I guess he really wanted you to go there and look at his bits and pieces. It may be the only way he knew he had to still play with your head and heart, and he could have you still on a string.
Congrats on cutting the string, and goodbye to a bit of baggage you don't need.
God bless
Congrats on cutting the string, and goodbye to a bit of baggage you don't need.
God bless
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oye. This is the worst.
Well, he's enjoying, and apparently monitoring the drama. You're not worthy of his attention, respect and love--except when he doesn't get what he wants from you he lashes out.
So what have we got here?
You feel (and most likely are) unloved and not respected by him. He knows that. You know that.
so you take a step to create safe healthier space and he quickly tries to hurt you more.
You could: engage, fight with him. untag all of his photos, burn his stuff if anything is left in the yard and any number of other retaliatory actions.
Or you could get up from the damn computer (or turn it off) and focus right now on what you can do to make yourself truly happy.
are you at work? Or are you at home right now? If you're at work, why not truly 100% turn your attention to the work at hand?
If you're at home, why not take a good look around you and do something that is garunteed to make you feel better?
Oh, and by the way. He sucks. But you don't have to be hurt by him any longer.
I know, I've done this millions of times! Then I go back. But each time the recovery is shorter and I get closer to taking care of myself and not obsessing about him...
Well, he's enjoying, and apparently monitoring the drama. You're not worthy of his attention, respect and love--except when he doesn't get what he wants from you he lashes out.
So what have we got here?
You feel (and most likely are) unloved and not respected by him. He knows that. You know that.
so you take a step to create safe healthier space and he quickly tries to hurt you more.
You could: engage, fight with him. untag all of his photos, burn his stuff if anything is left in the yard and any number of other retaliatory actions.
Or you could get up from the damn computer (or turn it off) and focus right now on what you can do to make yourself truly happy.
are you at work? Or are you at home right now? If you're at work, why not truly 100% turn your attention to the work at hand?
If you're at home, why not take a good look around you and do something that is garunteed to make you feel better?
Oh, and by the way. He sucks. But you don't have to be hurt by him any longer.
I know, I've done this millions of times! Then I go back. But each time the recovery is shorter and I get closer to taking care of myself and not obsessing about him...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
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Ah the Facebook drama...I just went through something similar and when I step back to think about it, I have to laugh at myself.
Like Transformed suggested...walk *away* from the computer. If you can't trust yourself, maybe delete your Facebook page altogether. Just make sure you close all the doors and remove ways for your XABF to contact you, thereby hurting you, or goading you into more drama. Let it go. Whatever he does, it's not your problem anymore. I know it's soooooo hard because the habit is engrained, to check, to be involved, to want to "help", to want to change him, to react to whatever crumbs he throws your way...so maybe take a step back and focus on you!
And yes, I agree. He does suck. And blow. All at once. Which is hard.
Like Transformed suggested...walk *away* from the computer. If you can't trust yourself, maybe delete your Facebook page altogether. Just make sure you close all the doors and remove ways for your XABF to contact you, thereby hurting you, or goading you into more drama. Let it go. Whatever he does, it's not your problem anymore. I know it's soooooo hard because the habit is engrained, to check, to be involved, to want to "help", to want to change him, to react to whatever crumbs he throws your way...so maybe take a step back and focus on you!
And yes, I agree. He does suck. And blow. All at once. Which is hard.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
J was playing some games with me on his FB page...putting status updates like "_____ isn't sure where he stands now" after he took care of the house and animals for a couple of days while I was at a conference. And some of the messages from his friends to him seemed to me to be veiled references about me and stuff he was planning. So I unfriend him. It has been very helpful to my serenity to not be drawn into his drama and instead focus on my own recovery and needs.
What I've been working on is not thinking about what he *might* be posting that I can't now see, but working on my own emotions around needing to control his behavior. Working on not acting on a feeling of anger or fear or jealousy and instead just letting myself feel that feeling. When I start to feel out of control I read my literature or come here, and I make sure I go to my meeting every week. It helps.
What I've been working on is not thinking about what he *might* be posting that I can't now see, but working on my own emotions around needing to control his behavior. Working on not acting on a feeling of anger or fear or jealousy and instead just letting myself feel that feeling. When I start to feel out of control I read my literature or come here, and I make sure I go to my meeting every week. It helps.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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thanks for the support everyone. honestly, i should have done it a long time ago, especially when, after he dumped me, he put on his profile something i said to him before i left, yet attributed my quote to tolstoy. who the f*ck does crazy sh*t like that???
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
and now i see that he's untagged all the photos of us together and deleted all the pictures he posted of me. this makes me feel even worse.
And you wouldn't have known it if you had him blocked or didn't see his stuff anymore!
If it makes you feel any better xabf never even put a picture of me LOL.
I agree, if you need to use FB why not open a different account altogether? only people that don't know him or are truly YOUR friends. I did that and it was great not to walk on eggshells there anymore!! And if you do that please add me and join Vampire Wars and be part of my Mighty Clan of.... 5 LOL
I read and knew, that he dedicated the same songs to the "new" partner LOL, went to the same beach he abused the first time, blah blah anything you know now about him, dear queenie... will hurt you... anything he says or does WON'T be what you are seeking... "dear queenie: I was an idiot and you are better off without me".
And you will never "win" or "make him see" or make anyone "see". That sucks and that is why many of us are here, to remember we are not insane when others around are in denial!
Stop trying..you can't win.. and you can't make a jerk become a gentleman.
Take all this that he does, as proof you are better without him. Use his acts in your favor
Compare that harmful and confusing "thanks" with a
"Hey queenie, i saw you are no longer in FB... i wish you all the best. For our good times." BUT that would take someone INTROSPECTIVE and mature...
Also, as it was said before... "consider the source"....
IF you were a doormat and put him on a pedestal...if YOU drank alcoholically...he would have your pics and probably you would still be together and he would still say you are his sun. Is that woman the one you are willing to be? Like a small pet expected to idolize, entertain and shut up?
Would you rather betray yourself, values and what YOU want in order to have some guy like you?
Or would you rather suffer some pain but go after the lifestyle YOU enjoy (granted not drinking alcoholically and pass it off as "wild fun", granted not being abused by the partner who is supposed to be your FRIEND and support YOU) ?
At this point I consider a blessing I was "rejected"... because it means we have nothing in common. Also, remember YOU also rejected him, the way he treated you and his way of drinking and smoking. You were not happy with that either.
You will get to that point, honest! BUT you got to keep no contact... and do some soul searching. Are you interested on the steps or are you talking to a counselor?
It will get much better, I know how rough that stage is!! but you are moving forward.
HUGS!!
And you wouldn't have known it if you had him blocked or didn't see his stuff anymore!
If it makes you feel any better xabf never even put a picture of me LOL.
I agree, if you need to use FB why not open a different account altogether? only people that don't know him or are truly YOUR friends. I did that and it was great not to walk on eggshells there anymore!! And if you do that please add me and join Vampire Wars and be part of my Mighty Clan of.... 5 LOL
I read and knew, that he dedicated the same songs to the "new" partner LOL, went to the same beach he abused the first time, blah blah anything you know now about him, dear queenie... will hurt you... anything he says or does WON'T be what you are seeking... "dear queenie: I was an idiot and you are better off without me".
And you will never "win" or "make him see" or make anyone "see". That sucks and that is why many of us are here, to remember we are not insane when others around are in denial!
Stop trying..you can't win.. and you can't make a jerk become a gentleman.
Take all this that he does, as proof you are better without him. Use his acts in your favor
Compare that harmful and confusing "thanks" with a
"Hey queenie, i saw you are no longer in FB... i wish you all the best. For our good times." BUT that would take someone INTROSPECTIVE and mature...
Also, as it was said before... "consider the source"....
IF you were a doormat and put him on a pedestal...if YOU drank alcoholically...he would have your pics and probably you would still be together and he would still say you are his sun. Is that woman the one you are willing to be? Like a small pet expected to idolize, entertain and shut up?
Would you rather betray yourself, values and what YOU want in order to have some guy like you?
Or would you rather suffer some pain but go after the lifestyle YOU enjoy (granted not drinking alcoholically and pass it off as "wild fun", granted not being abused by the partner who is supposed to be your FRIEND and support YOU) ?
At this point I consider a blessing I was "rejected"... because it means we have nothing in common. Also, remember YOU also rejected him, the way he treated you and his way of drinking and smoking. You were not happy with that either.
You will get to that point, honest! BUT you got to keep no contact... and do some soul searching. Are you interested on the steps or are you talking to a counselor?
It will get much better, I know how rough that stage is!! but you are moving forward.
HUGS!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 10-21-2009 at 11:19 AM.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
i don't understand the hostility of this response. up until now, we've been cordial. he'd call every once in a while, "check in" to "catch up." although i didn't really see the point in it, because i still have feelings for him and he has obviously moved on, i still let it happen. now this? why did he feel the need to untag all the photos? just delete me from his life so easily?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Also, if someone unfriended me without explanation, I'd feel pretty hurt by it. I'm not saying you owe him an explanation, but if he's reacting to being unfriended by you without knowing why, I think his actions are not terribly unreasonable. I think you may be reading a little too much into it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by queenie88 
i don't understand the hostility of this response. up until now, we've been cordial. he'd call every once in a while, "check in" to "catch up." although i didn't really see the point in it, because i still have feelings for him and he has obviously moved on, i still let it happen. now this? why did he feel the need to untag all the photos? just delete me from his life so easily?
You're still taking it personally. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.
I hope you will eventually get to the point you aren't allowing him to take up space in your head rent-free.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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put on his profile something i said to him before i left, yet attributed my quote to tolstoy.
I hope you get out tonight and get some relief!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Well Miss Tolstoy, as I said earlier, "It may be the only way he knew he had to still play with your head and heart, and he could have you still on a string." Looks like he was right, because you are watching and wondering still over his "tag teams" on FB.
Go scrub a floor, wash your hair, go for a run round the block, any darn thing you like and tell yourself "you are out of my life", til you believe it.
Instead of feeling sad at being "de-friended and de-tagged", be happy it is over before you were de-humanised and destoyed by his behavior.
Cut him out of sight and mind, and replace with something pleasant.
God bless
Go scrub a floor, wash your hair, go for a run round the block, any darn thing you like and tell yourself "you are out of my life", til you believe it.
Instead of feeling sad at being "de-friended and de-tagged", be happy it is over before you were de-humanised and destoyed by his behavior.
Cut him out of sight and mind, and replace with something pleasant.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi queenie!!
OHH did i remember you some hours ago... I was getting out of work and there comes EX with the guy I jog with... just hearing his voice turned my stomach and made my heart beat faster. I stayed for, 3 seconds, then walked towards the stairs.
I was so angry with myself about letting his presence get to me. And of course he thinks I still miss him and can't get over him, and I can't stand his presence because I want to hug and kiss him so hard
Then I tried to breathe...it is difficult for codies, sometimes... just BREATHING...but I thought "he will think what feeds his ego best. whatever" then I was happy I left and did not stay just for appearance, I left for ME, I cannot stand his stupid comments anymore.
Anyway... I don't remember what I was going to say... ah yes, queenie:
1 we give what we got. if you have love you will give love. if you have pain you will give pain.
2 I suffered a lot thinking he was nice and for some reason, i wasnt good enough, thin enough, interesting enough,alluring enough he disposed of me and went after someone better. I don't need enemies with this kind of sick mind !!
I now believe he has always been a jerk, even before i met him, and the nice him i saw was just a show for him to attract someone because he knows just being himself would keep him very lonely.
Write to him, everything you think, everything you feel. About FB and about everything. Let it all out. Burn the paper. Repeat until health. I wll be doing these nights and will be hoping you are doing the same!! It is a way to say "I am not invisible, I feel, and my experience is as valid as anyone's".
If anything fails, look for some Robie Williams pictures. or Johnny Depp. Or George Clooney.That is what I did when i was at my wits end, LOL to remember there are great MEN out there that deserve the title!
Miracles happen when you let go, even for a moment. Give yourself that chance. BREATHE.
Mantra: "I am free now. I am free of pain. I welcome love and joy in my life. I deserve love."
HUGS!!
ps Transformyself. Thanks for sharing your mantra, it helps me a lot!!
OHH did i remember you some hours ago... I was getting out of work and there comes EX with the guy I jog with... just hearing his voice turned my stomach and made my heart beat faster. I stayed for, 3 seconds, then walked towards the stairs.
I was so angry with myself about letting his presence get to me. And of course he thinks I still miss him and can't get over him, and I can't stand his presence because I want to hug and kiss him so hard
Then I tried to breathe...it is difficult for codies, sometimes... just BREATHING...but I thought "he will think what feeds his ego best. whatever" then I was happy I left and did not stay just for appearance, I left for ME, I cannot stand his stupid comments anymore.
Anyway... I don't remember what I was going to say... ah yes, queenie:
1 we give what we got. if you have love you will give love. if you have pain you will give pain.
2 I suffered a lot thinking he was nice and for some reason, i wasnt good enough, thin enough, interesting enough,alluring enough he disposed of me and went after someone better.
I don't need enemies with this kind of sick mind !!I now believe he has always been a jerk, even before i met him, and the nice him i saw was just a show for him to attract someone because he knows just being himself would keep him very lonely.
Write to him, everything you think, everything you feel. About FB and about everything. Let it all out. Burn the paper. Repeat until health. I wll be doing these nights and will be hoping you are doing the same!! It is a way to say "I am not invisible, I feel, and my experience is as valid as anyone's".
If anything fails, look for some Robie Williams pictures. or Johnny Depp. Or George Clooney.That is what I did when i was at my wits end, LOL to remember there are great MEN out there that deserve the title!
Miracles happen when you let go, even for a moment. Give yourself that chance. BREATHE.
Mantra: "I am free now. I am free of pain. I welcome love and joy in my life. I deserve love."
HUGS!!
ps Transformyself. Thanks for sharing your mantra, it helps me a lot!!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Jadmack something you said hit home with me - about why Queenie's xabf didn't block her and why wouldn't he do that? My xabf was SO anti FB when he was with me. Two months after he broke up with me - and in fact around the day of my birthday - he joined. Two days after my birthday he sent me a threatening text saying 'Stop getting involved with people I know and take the f-ing pictures of me off FB'. I'd been on FB for two years - he'd been anti it for two years. For all the seeming anger and hate in that text, he hasn't blocked me. Funny that I can't help but think the same as what you said to Queenie XX
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well unfortunately i fired off a response just as soon as i received his "thanks." probably not the best idea, but i don't think it was super emotional or irrational. it was heartfelt - i think it's incredibly ridiculous that he kicked me out then dumped me and hasn't really looked back, but he's going to get upset over me defriending him and trying to put gain some much-needed emotional distance? so i guess he got exactly what he wanted - a reaction. and no, he hasn't responded to my message. i'm doubting that he will.
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