To tell all? Feedback appreciated.
Retired Pro Drunk
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
To tell all? Feedback appreciated.
This question is geared mostly for the spouses/ex-spouses of As, but others can chime in too.
Recovering A here. Married 15 years - marriage stayed in tact. Sober over 2 years now - I'm active with AA, have a sponsor, etc. She attends al-anon regularly. Things are great.
There's a couple things in my drinking past that I'm a little worried about. Nothing too big from a something a married guy should never do viewpoint - not cheating or anything at all related to another woman or the like. More like some dangerous things I did - situations I got myself into - that had the potential of causing myself serious injury, more than just driving while drunk. Without going into too much detail, lots of folks are taken back by a couple of these things. I shared one incident when I was speaking at a treatment center with friends and family present (not my F&F) and there was lots of gasping in the audience about it.
These are things I've shared with other As as part of my ESH, etc. And not too long ago a friend in recovery sort of blurted out one of these incidents to some mutual friends who are not in the program. Not a big deal by itself - but got me a little worried about it getting back around to my spouse.
On the one hand, it's just stupid stuff I did while drunk and I'm lucky I didn't kill myself in the process. On the other hand these could be viewed as possible serious lapses in judgement on my part.
I'm just not sure whether I should tell my spouse about a couple of these things. How bad would it be for her to get it via heresay? Is it probably no big deal either way?
Just trying to be rigorously honest. But at the same time I don't want to rehash stuff that's over and done with. Keeping in mind too that she doesn't need (nor likely want) to hear about every stupid thing I did when I was drunk.
In talking with my sponsor and other As in the fellowship - the consensus is to just keep my mouth shut. I'm not helping anyone by saying anything.
Just wondering what folks on the receiving end would think about it.
Recovering A here. Married 15 years - marriage stayed in tact. Sober over 2 years now - I'm active with AA, have a sponsor, etc. She attends al-anon regularly. Things are great.
There's a couple things in my drinking past that I'm a little worried about. Nothing too big from a something a married guy should never do viewpoint - not cheating or anything at all related to another woman or the like. More like some dangerous things I did - situations I got myself into - that had the potential of causing myself serious injury, more than just driving while drunk. Without going into too much detail, lots of folks are taken back by a couple of these things. I shared one incident when I was speaking at a treatment center with friends and family present (not my F&F) and there was lots of gasping in the audience about it.
These are things I've shared with other As as part of my ESH, etc. And not too long ago a friend in recovery sort of blurted out one of these incidents to some mutual friends who are not in the program. Not a big deal by itself - but got me a little worried about it getting back around to my spouse.
On the one hand, it's just stupid stuff I did while drunk and I'm lucky I didn't kill myself in the process. On the other hand these could be viewed as possible serious lapses in judgement on my part.
I'm just not sure whether I should tell my spouse about a couple of these things. How bad would it be for her to get it via heresay? Is it probably no big deal either way?
Just trying to be rigorously honest. But at the same time I don't want to rehash stuff that's over and done with. Keeping in mind too that she doesn't need (nor likely want) to hear about every stupid thing I did when I was drunk.
In talking with my sponsor and other As in the fellowship - the consensus is to just keep my mouth shut. I'm not helping anyone by saying anything.
Just wondering what folks on the receiving end would think about it.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Personally, I would rather not know. I find that hearing stuff like that is just upsetting and disturbing and why do I want to go there when it's all in the past and everything turned out OK???
I mean, like you said, these things show serious lapses in judgment while you were drunk......and you're not drunk now, so what does it really matter?
I can see where it might be valuable info for other As to have -- as probably some of these things are still "not yets" for them, so, the more shocking, scary, dangerous, wahtever, the better... Let them hear it -- they might actually get something out of being worried about it and/or recognizing it for the insanity that it is.....but your wife?????.....probably not so much!
freya
I mean, like you said, these things show serious lapses in judgment while you were drunk......and you're not drunk now, so what does it really matter?
I can see where it might be valuable info for other As to have -- as probably some of these things are still "not yets" for them, so, the more shocking, scary, dangerous, wahtever, the better... Let them hear it -- they might actually get something out of being worried about it and/or recognizing it for the insanity that it is.....but your wife?????.....probably not so much!
freya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
She has probably already got a clue, bud. Seriously. Don't sweat so much over it. If you have been working a successful recovery and are enjoying a healthy marriage, she is experiencing enough peace and serenity compared to being married to an active drunk. I'd just let sleeping dogs lie. And continue to be just a good, old, average, loving husband who does the right things now, not because you are sober, but just because that is what a real husband does.
These things are probably bothering you way more than they are, or would, bother her.
These things are probably bothering you way more than they are, or would, bother her.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I'd say it depends how the trust issues are in your relationship.
The fact that it is weighing on you enough to come post here makes me think you should consider coming clean.
I don't want anyone assuming what is important for me to know (or not know), including my spouse.
I do think for me (and possibly other women but I don't want to speak for them), my fears lie in the "did you cheat" arena rather than "did you do stupid stuff" arena.
I mean this with no disrespect to any men, but a lot of things men choose to do in groups (sober or not) seem stupid to many women
I suppose I would like to be asked.
Something along the lines of "Honey, I was telling stories of some of the really dumb stuff I did while wasted and it occurred to me that I haven't shared them with you. They don't involve other women put they do involve me putting my self in harms way. Are you interested in hearing them? There is no reason you need to hear them as it was stupid man stuff but I didn't want you to feel excluded or that I was hiding anything"
That way you give her the choice.
That is what I would want.
I don't know your wife so I couldn't tell you what she would want.
The fact that it is weighing on you enough to come post here makes me think you should consider coming clean.
I don't want anyone assuming what is important for me to know (or not know), including my spouse.
I do think for me (and possibly other women but I don't want to speak for them), my fears lie in the "did you cheat" arena rather than "did you do stupid stuff" arena.
I mean this with no disrespect to any men, but a lot of things men choose to do in groups (sober or not) seem stupid to many women
I suppose I would like to be asked.
Something along the lines of "Honey, I was telling stories of some of the really dumb stuff I did while wasted and it occurred to me that I haven't shared them with you. They don't involve other women put they do involve me putting my self in harms way. Are you interested in hearing them? There is no reason you need to hear them as it was stupid man stuff but I didn't want you to feel excluded or that I was hiding anything"
That way you give her the choice.
That is what I would want.
I don't know your wife so I couldn't tell you what she would want.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
as gowest says: ask her if she wants to know?
I always feel hugely uncomfortable with any "don't tell them for their own good" reasoning, that may be my issue. I would be unhappy if I were to hear a version of something about your life, from others, perhaps distorted in a chinese whispers sort of way. Especially something that might be shocking and that you felt was important enough to worry about whether to tell me or not.
As an adult, and one that you respect, I'd give her the option to choose to hear about it from you, or not.
I don't think partners have to share every detail of their thoughts or deeds, past or present (who has the time? LOL, and no-one is that interesting). But I do think Gowest's approach is one that I'd be far happier with.
I always feel hugely uncomfortable with any "don't tell them for their own good" reasoning, that may be my issue. I would be unhappy if I were to hear a version of something about your life, from others, perhaps distorted in a chinese whispers sort of way. Especially something that might be shocking and that you felt was important enough to worry about whether to tell me or not.
As an adult, and one that you respect, I'd give her the option to choose to hear about it from you, or not.
I don't think partners have to share every detail of their thoughts or deeds, past or present (who has the time? LOL, and no-one is that interesting). But I do think Gowest's approach is one that I'd be far happier with.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
When my former husband made a reference to going "drunk, upside down rappelling at night," what I was mainly was annoyed, and wrote it off as 1. young male foolishness, and 2. God Watches Over Drunks and Little Children, But Drunks Must Take Up More of His Attention.
How do you think your wife will react, to either being told, or finding out accidentally? You know her best.
(I'd let it go. If she does find out through the grapevine, you can explain your reasons for not bringing it up, and not wanting to rehash the past is a good reason. Wives respond well to the kind of consideration you're putting into this.)
Be well in your recovery!
How do you think your wife will react, to either being told, or finding out accidentally? You know her best.
(I'd let it go. If she does find out through the grapevine, you can explain your reasons for not bringing it up, and not wanting to rehash the past is a good reason. Wives respond well to the kind of consideration you're putting into this.)
Be well in your recovery!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
I guess I am a minority opinion but I would say disclose.
I am concerned that you are actively hiding something - anything - why?
I would want to know. Particularly if it could in some way affect me - money issues, legal issues, friend/family issues.
I don't understand enough about the brutally honest part of recovery, but do you get to pick and choose what you are going to be honest about?
Just my opinion.
I am concerned that you are actively hiding something - anything - why?
I would want to know. Particularly if it could in some way affect me - money issues, legal issues, friend/family issues.
I don't understand enough about the brutally honest part of recovery, but do you get to pick and choose what you are going to be honest about?
Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I am married to an A and I have to agree, the main "worry" about would be cheating. But I would want to know. I think I would be hurt if others told me. But my A is not in recovery, so maybe it would be different if he was. I think maybe ask her if she wants to know. If it is "dumb" stuff you did while drinking other than cheating, likely, it isn't as big a deal to her as it is to you. We know As do dumb stuff while drinking.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I agree with Peaceteach. There were a very few times that xabf would tell me something that he was just "clearing his conscience" over but fact was I already knew. I told him many times that I may be blonde but that doesn't make me stupid. I let him clear his mind by telling me, but I already knew, so it really made no difference.
If you're sitting around thinking about it and she asks what planet you're on because you seem off in your own little world, just tell her you were thinking about some really stupid, reckless things you did back when you were drinking. That you're just remembering some of your careless actions and how grateful you are not to be that same person anymore. If she wants you to elaborate, she'll ask you to. But she'll probably just agree....she too is glad you're not that same reckless person anymore.
Good luck with whatever decision you choose.
If you're sitting around thinking about it and she asks what planet you're on because you seem off in your own little world, just tell her you were thinking about some really stupid, reckless things you did back when you were drinking. That you're just remembering some of your careless actions and how grateful you are not to be that same person anymore. If she wants you to elaborate, she'll ask you to. But she'll probably just agree....she too is glad you're not that same reckless person anymore.
Good luck with whatever decision you choose.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
In talking with my sponsor and other As in the fellowship - the consensus is to just keep my mouth shut.
Something about how we NEVER make ourselves feel better at another's expense and why.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
In which way are you surrendering this to God, to tell her or not to tell her?
"This is love, to lay down your life for a friend." In which way are you laying down your life( what's simple for you) to best serve the unity of your marriage and your wife?
Is this about protecting her or your fears?
If this is about 'worrying' about her response:
1. If you never tell you will never know her response.
2. If you do share you cannot predict or control her response. You can only control how you respond in love to her response.
"This is love, to lay down your life for a friend." In which way are you laying down your life( what's simple for you) to best serve the unity of your marriage and your wife?
Is this about protecting her or your fears?
If this is about 'worrying' about her response:
1. If you never tell you will never know her response.
2. If you do share you cannot predict or control her response. You can only control how you respond in love to her response.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I would have preferred it f xabf had been honest with me, but he's not in recovery and so not capable of this kind of sharing. If he had been open with me, we wouldn't be where we are now...
I think that I would want you to just tell me that this issue is on your mind and that if I ever want to rehash this old stuff, that you are available but that you're also quite happy putting it all behind you.
I think that I would want you to just tell me that this issue is on your mind and that if I ever want to rehash this old stuff, that you are available but that you're also quite happy putting it all behind you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
With addiction comes great guilt and shame... would you by telling her release this from your conscious and help move on further into your recovery? And, are there any tangible consequences to what you have done? (Such as legal, monetary, placing her at potential risk, etc.).
If so, I would say divulge but possibly with support from a professional to help process this, according to you, horrible thing you have done related to active addiction.
If no, then this is an issue internally you can work through with your sponsor and/or therapist.
Just my thoughts without knowing what you have done exactly. I think that by divulging here what it was you did, the more comfortable you may feel with disclosing it to your wife and the more feedback you will get without confusing you even more. I think prior to you coming on here... you already had the fight with telling her or not... If you were more specific here... we can give more specific feedback.
Please, I'm not meaning to overstep any boundaries by saying this. Completely your choice.
If so, I would say divulge but possibly with support from a professional to help process this, according to you, horrible thing you have done related to active addiction.
If no, then this is an issue internally you can work through with your sponsor and/or therapist.
Just my thoughts without knowing what you have done exactly. I think that by divulging here what it was you did, the more comfortable you may feel with disclosing it to your wife and the more feedback you will get without confusing you even more. I think prior to you coming on here... you already had the fight with telling her or not... If you were more specific here... we can give more specific feedback.
Please, I'm not meaning to overstep any boundaries by saying this. Completely your choice.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Going back to the steps ... would telling her (e.g. making an amends in a way) help anything?
If it would help you, but hurt her, the steps say you shouldn't tell her.
If not saying anything would have no effect on you, then it isn't an amends and you shouldn't say anything.
So, the only situation where I can see it being important to tell her is if she specifically asks about it and you tell her because you have agreed with yourself that you will not lie to her.
But, I agree with others, she probably already knows most of it and likes the "you of today" and would prefer to forget the "you of the past"
If it would help you, but hurt her, the steps say you shouldn't tell her.
If not saying anything would have no effect on you, then it isn't an amends and you shouldn't say anything.
So, the only situation where I can see it being important to tell her is if she specifically asks about it and you tell her because you have agreed with yourself that you will not lie to her.
But, I agree with others, she probably already knows most of it and likes the "you of today" and would prefer to forget the "you of the past"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I have dealt with this being on the listening end and these are my feelings and what I have found for me.
It came down to my husband needing to speak of some things. In the beginning of my recovery when he spoke to me, there were times I went all nutty in my head….but then I didn’t have to! In looking back I know that now….
And to confuse the issues it wasn’t all that bad because I have an intense creative outlet so I often wonder ( with my reactions ) if I fed on the chaos because then I could make something awesome with it…
As time went by I learned that just like there where things I needed to speak about, and at times make amends for he did as well.
Do you need to speak to her for you, not because of the fact that some of what you did came out and she doesn‘t know and now might find out? Maybe this should be what you need to ask yourself now that it is in your head.
Communication is so key even as far as simply asking her what she wishes to know. With you both working your own ends that give your relationship a huge leg up, but you also have to be comfortable speaking to her no matter what the subject.
My husband and I have also had conversations about this very subject, what was a need to know vs. a you know I don’t have to know. And for me I really didn’t have any need to know, but that doesn’t mean that he might not have a need to share.
Congratulations on those 2 years and good luck!
Inciting silence
It came down to my husband needing to speak of some things. In the beginning of my recovery when he spoke to me, there were times I went all nutty in my head….but then I didn’t have to! In looking back I know that now….
And to confuse the issues it wasn’t all that bad because I have an intense creative outlet so I often wonder ( with my reactions ) if I fed on the chaos because then I could make something awesome with it…
As time went by I learned that just like there where things I needed to speak about, and at times make amends for he did as well.
Do you need to speak to her for you, not because of the fact that some of what you did came out and she doesn‘t know and now might find out? Maybe this should be what you need to ask yourself now that it is in your head.
Communication is so key even as far as simply asking her what she wishes to know. With you both working your own ends that give your relationship a huge leg up, but you also have to be comfortable speaking to her no matter what the subject.
My husband and I have also had conversations about this very subject, what was a need to know vs. a you know I don’t have to know. And for me I really didn’t have any need to know, but that doesn’t mean that he might not have a need to share.
Congratulations on those 2 years and good luck!
Inciting silence
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
If you are both working a program then, I would just lay it out there. Tell her you are struggling with it and trying to step 9 it.
What Go West said sounds pretty good to me:
If she is working a program then she will either choose to listen or choose not to.
Would you change what you were talking about if you knew she would be at the meeting?
What Go West said sounds pretty good to me:
I suppose I would like to be asked.
Something along the lines of "Honey, I was telling stories of some of the really dumb stuff I did while wasted and it occurred to me that I haven't shared them with you. They don't involve other women put they do involve me putting my self in harms way. Are you interested in hearing them? There is no reason you need to hear them as it was stupid man stuff but I didn't want you to feel excluded or that I was hiding anything"
Something along the lines of "Honey, I was telling stories of some of the really dumb stuff I did while wasted and it occurred to me that I haven't shared them with you. They don't involve other women put they do involve me putting my self in harms way. Are you interested in hearing them? There is no reason you need to hear them as it was stupid man stuff but I didn't want you to feel excluded or that I was hiding anything"
Would you change what you were talking about if you knew she would be at the meeting?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
There are so many opinions...so many options. I am coming from the other side-my husband is a RA and after being actively deceived for so many years-I would want the option. I would like to be given the controls to decide what I want to know if you want to disclose. I agree with some others here that the As in your group would probably benefit, but the "benefit" here is should be your spouse's option. Just my very humble opinion.
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