Trying2Fly

My mom wrote me an email today and asked me to "go visit Jane in rehab" to "begin our healing process". She told me to "forgive Jane" and to "stop living in the past". :wtf2 In short, the gist of her email was: put Jane first; Jane is a helpless victim who is sorry for the ways she's hurt everyone, and let's all move on and be one big happy family again (sorry for the sarcasm, but...notice how none of this came from Jane, herself; it all came from my mom and my mom's feelings / perspectives about the situation)

So I thought about it and then typed out a neutral, non-confrontational response to my mom, explaining that I'm setting boundaries with Jane because I can't be caught up in her drama anymore. I said that the challenge with boundaries is that you have to uphold them even when the alcoholic treats you like sh*t. Jane's latest actions have been so insidious, childish, manipulative, and hurtful, and part of her recovery should be being able to come to the realization that her actions have hurt other people and to take responsibility for herself. I just don't see that in Jane yet--blaming me and my husband for her circumstances shows that she's not at that point. I told her that while I love Jane, I am not comfortable with seeing her and need a break.

I'm proud that I was able to stick up for myself, stick to my boundaries, and to express my boundaries to my mom in a non-confrontational way. I think that's a positive step in the right direction.

Now I just need to get up the courage to go to Al Anon tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

Zak68

Good luck!

I have had issues setting my boundaries. I do find that when I am not strong in an area the reality of her actions comes back and shows me why I need that boundary. I am lucky, my family hand hers both say I have gone beyond what most men would in my situation. They accept and understand if I want out of this marriage.

Now to convince myself I can leave with a clear conscience. The enabler in me still wants to heal her. Time to tell that enabler to focus on someone who deserves healing.

Me

ItsmeAlice

Now I just need to get up the courage to go to Al Anon tomorrow night. Wish me luck!

It would seem you already have the courage within you and are just now tapping into it. The email to your mother informing her that you are setting and keeping boundaries shows that courage brilliantly. I bet it will come as a surprise to her that you are following your own path and not just waiting for someone to direct you. Let it comes as a surprise to her as well that you are seeking recovery for yourself and not recovery for your sister as that is your sister's job.

Live the example and your mom may follow it. My example is sinking in with my mother a little at a time.

Alice

brundle

Go you!!!!!!!!!!!! And lots of LUCK!!!

MeHandle

You did good!!! It ends up being good for you and your family and Mom and Jane, even if mom and Jane don't see it .

lol.... if your mom is like mine she is defending you on the other end to Jane.:-)

famous Mom manipulation: your suppose to forgive!!!

The co-dependent behavior that a Mom seems to have the hardest time understanding seems to be their wanted 'control' of forgiveness and that forgiveness doesn't equal reconciliation. Reconciliation takes forgiveness and movement towards trust . Then for a total healing of the relationship there must be respect. They also seem to miss the fact that sister don't need to share our forgiveness with "jane' if "jane" is not sharing a conversation on the subject directly with sister.

I got to the point where i just told my mom that " forgiveness does not mean reconciliation" as she didn't seem to understand the time taken to explain it with more perspective and more clearly, from many previous situations, as she was repeating herself about forgiveness. Hmmmm, well actually I recall times where I would just respond, " I do forgive her, do you? :-)

There is hope. It happens that just this week my mom repeated this sentiment to my sister, her daughter. " I do forgive you, but that doesn't mean i have to deal with you anymore." It has taken her 38 years, but she finally got it when my sister made the forgiveness comment to her. lol

It has helped me and my mom to express to her she need not worry about my relationship to my sister, we are both adults and we can work out our own relationship.

To you I give a standing ovation, great job!!!!

URMYEVERYTHING

Good job! I just had to set up some boundaries at work today. UUGGH!

But, it felt good to get the beast off of my back. LOL

Keep it up. With practice comes more empowerment and you will do it like it's second nature.