Mambo Queen

He calls me all the time telling me "I'm going to prove to you I'm not the monster you think I am. My resolve is strong. I'm going to win you back. I've been told no before and won anyway, and I'm going to show you that I'm the man for you and I love you." Most of the time I just delete the messages without listening, but sometimes I have to talk to him about our daughter. Sometimes he'll start off the conversation normally, but then sneak in an "I love you" at the end. I have told him I don't want to be with him romantically ever again, that I am dating someone else that I love, and that he has no chance with me. I have been telling him this for over 10 months, and he still persists. I think I like him better when he's drinking; at least that way he's too ashamed to talk to me on the phone. It's when he's sober that he's relentless. How will I ever be free of this? I know part of me still feels like I can control him, like if I'm "too mean" I'll push him into drinking again. It's a small part though and I'm working on it. It just feels so icky to me to hear "I love you" over and over again when I have said over and over that I don't love him like that anymore, and will not again. What more does he need me to say before he gets it?

I guess I should add that on the occasions where he doesn't bring it up, we can have a nice, normal conversation about our daughter, his job hunt, AA, or something else that feels like the kind of relationship I want with him in the future--a respectful friendship. I think that's where I get tripped up, because I'd like to have that kind of relationship with him but I feel like he's forcing me to make it all or nothing. Like, because he wants "all" I'm going to have to give him nothing, even though my preference would be to give him friendship because I do still care about him.

Live

Well, to me he has made himself clear...he will use an "in" with you therefore he is not capable of friendship....as nice as that would be, considering that you share a daughter.
I suggest that you limit all conversations to things regarding your daughter.
I know it gets tiresome, but it is rigorous boundaries and limits.
Actions speak louder than words. Sane or not, he is interpreting your having a conversation with him as a relationship of sorts. Better to chat with someone else and spare yourself. Apparently he isn't going to "get it" that it makes you uncomfortable when you tell him, so the only avenue left is to show him.

Startingover2

My exah always says "I am not the monster you think I am" but hasn't changed a thing. He isn't wanting us back, he is still drinking and with a married woman. I always laugh because Yes, he is still the monster I think he is.

laurie6781

Well my first husband used to say this ALL THE TIME. Right up to two weeks before he was found dead.

My stock answer was:

"When you get 5 years of continuous sobriety, we'll talk about it." And I would change the subject or hang up.

Needless to say he never got more than a year and that was only once. After that it was a week here, 3 months there, 4 days, 2 weeks etc

So, change the subject. When he would say "I love you." I would reply "that's nice."

Once all the kids were grown and on their own, our communications died down to only 1 or twice a year. I just absolutely refused to have a 'toxic' person who was not working a program of recovery in my life or affect me. My own sobriety was WAY TOO IMPORTANT!

Hope that helps a bit.

Love and hugs,

Mambo Queen

Laurie, I do like that reply, but I feel like even that is giving him too much hope, because I think in 5 years I'll probably be married to the man I'm dating now. In fact, I think in 2 years I will be. It's like I have this fear that if/when that day comes, he's going to use it as an excuse to drink himself to death. I'm sick of feeling responsible for his life and his choices.

It's like, he's using this misguided hope as his motivation to stay sober, I feel. So that makes me feel so trapped, like I should encourage anything that keeps him sober, but I don't WANT to encourage him into thinking that he ever has a chance to be married to me again.

Still Waters

You aren't responsible Mambo, if he IS using you as his motivation to stay sober, that's his decision.

GiveLove

My X threatened suicide if I did not tell him there was hope for the future.

I held off for a long time, not wanting the burden of this on me.

But I finally realized that it wasn't up to me to determine his path through life -- be it long, short, straight, twisty, rocky, smooth. I was taking too much power.

When I realized, really, truly, that I was never going to be romantically involved with him again, I had to be honest with him.

He had some bad years in between where he blamed me (so what else is new?) but he is now fine, gone on with his life.

He could not have done this if I had chosen to keep him on that "maybe" string for my own peace of mind.

I know it's hard, Mambo. But consider cutting him loose, and letting him choose how he wants to live his life.

Mambo Queen

Knowing that some of you have been through this too makes me feel better. GiveLove, I feel like I have "cut him loose" as far as not letting him make me feel like I have to give him hope for the future. In fact, I've expressly said, many times, "There is no hope for the future with us." His reply is that I can't predict the future so he's not going to give up hope. I honestly don't know how much more direct I need to be.

Learn2Live

Mambo, :ghug2

It's hard, I know, because I am going through something similar with the Ex Alcoholic/Addict in my life. He calls every 2 or 3 days and leaves similar VMs. The things he says are my hooks and triggers. I think it's a little easier for me than your situaiton because (1) I have no children so there's no reason for contact, and (2) I have Let Go of all of my wants and expectations of him (that I am currently conscious of).

I'm sorry but this seriously sounds like you can't have a good friendship with him any more than you could have a good marriage with him. I hope soon you will be able to let go of your desire for him to be your friend. I know it's hard to Let Go of the outcomes but I have faith that YOU CAN DO IT! Because he may sober up, he may not. If not, yes, it'll kill him eventually but we can't keep worrying about that the rest of our lives, even if we try to prevent it to prevent our childrens' pain. We have to hand it over to our Higher Power. Do you have a HP? Are you working the 12 Steps? These things might help some.

You sound like despite all this you are doing GREAT. I don't think you'll ever be free of this problem until one of you changes. Given his track record I doubt it's going to be him. Just as when you were married, when you gave out a lot of words, complaints, and directions for his behavior, he just was not able to understand or follow through on, sorry to say. Like my Dad always said, "It's like talking to a tree."

Let go of your magical thinking that you can control him with your anger. Let go of the desire to have this friend in your life and find a different person to be a friend. Remember that he lives in his own reality, not yours, and in his mind what he is continually saying to you is HIS TRUTH. The two different realities will never match up until someone chooses a different reality. Which one is the healthiest for YOU?

Pragmatically speaking, is there any way to discuss what needs to be discussed regarding your daughter either on email or would your boyfriend be willing and capable of perhaps taking over some of these responsibilities regarding communicating with the Ex for a while?

I hope something here helps you in some small way. And thank you so much for this post because responding to you is the same as me working thru my issues too.

Freedom1990

Fear is absence of faith. Do you have a higher power you believe in?

You say you're sick of feeling responsible for his life and choices. When that burden finally becomes too heavy to carry, you will let it go.