nowinsituation

This is a bit off topic so forgive me.... For those who don't know my story I am divorced from my XAH. Other than the legal entanglements of ending a 25-year marriage, there was very little drama surrounding that. However, I really struggle in my new relationships with trust, boundaries, and knowing what is normal....

My current BF and I have been together for 4 months. He moved in with me after a couple of months when he lost his job. He wanted to move back to where I live (also where his X and kids live). I worried about that, because it seemed a situation ripe for me to swoop in and "rescue" him. We talked about it a lot. He contributes in many non-financial ways (like mowing, cleaning, etc.) and pays what he can. He did recently find a job, which helps a lot. My daughter thinks the world of him -- and he has made a great impression on my family and most of my friends.

Being unemployed for a while -- he is behind on his child support. He spent time with his daughter yesterday, and he and his X got into a fight about daughter's grades and other issues. He was very upset, and called on his way home to talk about it. I get stuck because I can't do anything to help him. Then I realize I am not supposed to help him, but I don't even know what to say to show my support -- without trying to control and give him advice. His X called a couple more times after he got home. I felt awkward and out of place, trying not to listen to his conversations. I just didn't know how to handle it. He was not upset with me; and other than being quiet and sad, didn't dump any of it on me. I only asked him if there was anything new going on, or if it was the same old stuff with the X. He said it was the same old stuff. Then I didn't know what else to say about it. I guess I just could use some advice on how a "normal" person would offer support; and not be "codie"?

Cowgirl1265

I think a very healthy way to respond would be to ask him if he needs someone to listen to him while he talks about what is going on. You might try some reflective listening, i.e., making statements to clarify or reflect that you heard what he said without making a good/bad statement. You can say things that validate his feelings or reflect understanding why he might have certain feelings. Listening in this way is being supportive; it gives the other person the value of your time and your attention, without you trying to direct them or tell them how to feel or what to do.

Other than that, his issues with his ex and his child are his to deal with.