cassandra2

Last night I posted the long post about how I had a light bulb moment in my own recovery and it never posted so here we go again....

Hi all. Havent posted in awhile been busy with school, kids, life, etc...

Anyway, I wanted to share this with some of you who like myself may be struggling with letting things go and being true to yourself.

As a codie most of my life has been spent stuffing my emotions especially fear and anger. I have been afraid to express my true emotions to others for fear of rejection. Can anyone relate? So I stuff my feelings and try to move forward. But as we all know that is impossible. The feelings are bound to keep coming up over and over. It eats away at me. It controls me. It changes who I really am.

The other day I was having a discussion with my RABF and I got very upset. At first I was angry. Angry with him not agreeing with me. Angry that I felt I wasnt in control.

So I stopped myself and thought "ok what am I gonna do with this anger. If I stuff it it will keep coming back, if I own it who knows what will happen but its better then taking the chance of it coming up again". So I started to ask myself questions like why was I really angry? Was it anger or fear? And through this process I realized that it really was fear. Fear that I would be rejected. Fear that what I wanted was not what he wanted.

Ok so step two then was to figure out what to do with this. I identified fear and when I allowed myself to really feel it I became emotional.

We were having lunch and we left and got into the truck. By now I was quietly processing all of this. Then I just let it out. I cried. I cried for me for the pain that I was feeling. I cried without a care in the world about what others thought of me. I cried for awhile and then felt better. I expressed to my bf what I was feeling and told me that I was hurt. We talked a little and then BAM the anger, fear, and saddness LEFT. I was ok. I was alright with what had happened. I was ok with not being in control of the situation.

Do you want to know why? Because I was in control of something better. ME. I was in control of my emotions not the other way around. This was such a break through to me that for the rest of the day I went around singing and really living in each and every moment. I didnt stuff the anger and allow it to decide how I was gonna act or who I was gonna be mean to or staying home in my room having a pity party waiting for someone to ask me whats wrong so I could unload on them.

WHEWWWW!! This is such a process. But it was so worth it. I could feel myself returning to the way I used to be before addiction took over my life. I finally understood what it meant to truly let it go.

I cant even begin to express what a break through this was. So often I have tried to process my emotions before only to end up stuffing cause I didnt know what else to do with it.

I felt tender again and not this hard mean old woman stomping around the house cause my addict wont listen to me and do as I say.

And the cherry on top of the situation was that when all was said and done my RABF looked at me and said "thank you" and I asked for what and he said "for being you".

You see for so long I blamed him for the falling out of our relationship. I blamed addiction for destroying my life. And while I still feel like it played a role I too did my own damage to myself by allowing my emotions particularly fear to control me.

I just wanted to share this with others because it has been such a struggle for myself. I had become so accustomed to grinning and bearing it that I just didnt know what else to do with it. Now I have a tool that works far better then that and not only that helps me grow as a person. As a woman. As a mother. As a friend. As a lover.

Thanks for listening.

greeteachday

Wow - awesome post, Cass!! It really is such a terrific feeling when I have one of those amazing ahhh haaa moments. It's like working on a thousand piece puzzle for so long and not finding that last piece...Then getting it and seeing the whole picture.

I have found sometimes I understand this intellectually and sometimes can live it, but other times I slip back. I've learned not to beat myself up about it but to pay attention to why I am slipping. Usually it means I need to get to a meeting, do some reading, walk the walk of recovery.

Fantastic! So glad something great came out of what could have been a negative time. Hugs

bluebelle

I do the same thing. I have a tendency to think that my emotions are not right, they are not important, etc. It is something I am also working on. I am slowly learning to tell RABF what I need. It's just little things sometimes. Today, I wanted him to clear his stuff from the table so that I could sit down with my book and eat dinner. In the past, I would have felt angry, but not said anything. I would have stuffed the feeling. Tonight, I asked him to move his stuff, and then I said, "Thank you." I know it's a small thing, but I have been slowly starting to ask for what I need. This is an improvement from before, where I only concentrated on what I thought he needed.

cassandra2

Thanks for the responses. Bluebelle I can also relate to what you are saying. I know in my life I have had those experiences that are just like that. I want something done but then put my needs (however small it is) aside and then be angry because I stuffed it and didnt let anyone know that I needed something or the reverse of that I EXPECTED everyone to anticipate my needs and fulfill them without me having to ask. Then get angry cause they werent mind readers.

It starts off with the small stuff and that is what really eats at you. So working on the small things in little pieces is so much easier then biting off a whole chunk at a time. Keep going we are all making progress.

This is a growth process and slips will happen. The important thing is that we recognize it and then make efforts to change. Its hard but atleast we recognize what needs to be changed within ourselves instead of within someone else.

Chino

Cassandra, thanking you for sharing. I remember that moment of clarity too and the feeling of joy it brought me. Your post brought tears to my eyes and it's all good

soconfusednow

Thanks for sharing. I have always stuffed my feelings, and have a huge fear of rejection. I come from a sick and judgmental family, and love is withheld if I dont do what they want or request.
I commend you for your "edison" moment, and kudos to your BF for being there for you.

Ajax

It's the clarity you have from your sobriety that allowed you to recognize
all that. Pretty remarkable, huh? And in turn, these moments will keep on
happening and keep you sober. It's a wonderful thing!
Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it so well. We all want what you have, C!!

wuzzled

stuffing belongs in a turkey!

The more i stuff, the longer it takes to work through (even a turkey should be stuffed loosely!) The worse i feel. I am trying to get un-stuffed! trying to let it out, cassaranda, you're right, about the fear, really hit home with your post, thank you.

Freedom1990

I was a stuffer for so long that there are times I've done it again without even realizing it!

It became second nature to me most of my life.

I know that 99% of the time, when I'm feeling anger, underneath it is usually fear, pain, or both.

Serenity Bound

Big stuffer here. I believe that's what caused me to blow up last week at work, I had held soooo many feelings in......some work related, some not, and then the tip of the iceburg and I turned into this "