First visit. Where Do I Begin.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 1
First visit. Where Do I Begin.
Well. Hi. I guess this is a start.
My apologies for introducing myself with a down story, but I really feel like I've hit an all time life low. It's almost classically accountable.
After my latest three day solo binge I just did the count up of detritus: 7 empty wine bottles, 2 empty vodka bottles and 36 empty beer cans.
I'm ashamed to put the rubbish out again, so I've hidden it all in a cupboard with the rest of the empty bottles and cans until no-ones looking when I can sneak it all away somehow. (The last time it took four ruck-sack trips to the recycle base a few streets away, I also go out at night and hide crushed cans at the bottom of my neighbours bins, I smash the bottles to make them smaller.)
I have been drinking fairly heavily for about fifteen years. On light average I will drink 10 cans of beer a day (about 25 - 30 units) every day. Sometimes a little less and sometimes a whole lot more. But it is relentless, every day. When I binge I go a lot more and get spirits and wine.
I'm a solo drinker, I don't drink to get drunk, because I don't get drunk, I drink because I have some deep underlying issues that I kind-of know about but don't address. I do socialise (Although less and less), and drink whilst out and with friends, but I will drink a substantial amount before I leave the house. I'm single, busy, and ok for money. I live in London and have a lot of different booze shops to choose from in walking distance.
Of course it's a different shop every day.
I'm physically addicted, have been for a long time and I'm ashamed, I weep a lot when I'm on my own and I don't know how to do this.
Stopping is the obvious option, and I have done this many times, but I only manage short bursts; the relapses are devastating - I stopped for a month about three years ago and I relapsed, I woke up at 5am in my hallway after smashing the front door in. I was in a pile of glass with cut hands, and I'm lucky to be alive after that one. I missed my wrist vein by a centimetre or so.
I started drinking again a few days later.
I can say sincerely, that I am a good man with a good heart, I am not violent towards people in the slightest, and will do anything I can to help anyone. I never appear 'Drunk', I am conscious of my surroundings, fully understand empathy. People know I like a drink but no-one knows the reality of the situation. It is, and always has been my secret, I'm an absolute expert at hiding evidence and acting straight.
Now I'm in trouble.
Sometimes I will drink until I am sick, so I can drink some more.
Unless I have alcohol in my system I cannot hold a coffee cup in public. Through desperation of trying to handle the mere simplicity of a coach trip I went to a bar before the journey...I ordered a pint of beer, but couldn't pick it up through shaking. I had to quietly find a discarded straw so I could drink it as it sat on the table. That got some strange looks...
If I do go through a day or OMG! two without drinking - I sweat so profusely that I can't shake people's hands or walk in open footwear, I shake un-controllably, and sleep is out of the question...It feels like I am falling inside myself and pulled in every direction as well as down...
The cherry on the cake occured last month.
I am a musician. I am not famous but I am lucky to play some pretty high brow gigs and it's my career. Fifteen years of free bar tabs, general Dutch Courage before going on stage and time to my own devices have contributed to my drinking situation. I am not a 'Rock and Roller', I am a humble player of a variety of classical styles...but it takes a lot of concentration in a live situation. I have always drunk before every performance. I will lie if colleagues ask me whether I have drunk anything-"Of course not." I say after half a pack of chewing gum to disguise the smell.
Recently during a very important performance, alcohol was prohibited back-stage and on the entire grounds of a large venue. I was sweating and shaking and lost control of my body. I had to walk off stage half way through the second track; I couldn't even pick up my instrument. I collapsed outside. On my own. In the corner of a car-park.
When people asked me why I walked off stage, I told them I was exhausted due to the early flight, lack of sleep etc and felt faint... It took me twenty minutes to secretly find a few drinks to get my fix before I could deal with anyone again properly, or get my stuff.
Those people won't speak to me now.
I love to paint, but I can't hold a brush anymore...
I love my family, but I don't want them to see me like this, least of all breathe alcohol fumes over the little ones...So I avoid them.
I've given up driving and sold my car because I don't trust myself with car keys...
I've become more and more reclusive, I'm losing my motivation and becoming agoraphobic; I have panic attacks on public transport if I have not drunk anything.
Worst of all, I am losing my memory. I have to quietly look through my phone address book to trigger reminders of my friend's names. I've known some of them for over twenty years...
I'm only 36 years old. My insides are starting to hurt and I don't want to die, and I don't know why I haven't yet...But right now I'm so scared of telling anyone close how much this problem has escalated over the years, for fear of what they will think or how they will act toward me...When I drink, I feel normal...I am me...When I don't, I'm a quivering, quaking, sweaty, in-comprehensible, scared man that can't look people in the eye.
I am now turning down and avoiding appointments and meetings, losing touch with people and very much losing total control, in no uncertain terms.
How do I go about this.
I
My apologies for introducing myself with a down story, but I really feel like I've hit an all time life low. It's almost classically accountable.
After my latest three day solo binge I just did the count up of detritus: 7 empty wine bottles, 2 empty vodka bottles and 36 empty beer cans.
I'm ashamed to put the rubbish out again, so I've hidden it all in a cupboard with the rest of the empty bottles and cans until no-ones looking when I can sneak it all away somehow. (The last time it took four ruck-sack trips to the recycle base a few streets away, I also go out at night and hide crushed cans at the bottom of my neighbours bins, I smash the bottles to make them smaller.)
I have been drinking fairly heavily for about fifteen years. On light average I will drink 10 cans of beer a day (about 25 - 30 units) every day. Sometimes a little less and sometimes a whole lot more. But it is relentless, every day. When I binge I go a lot more and get spirits and wine.
I'm a solo drinker, I don't drink to get drunk, because I don't get drunk, I drink because I have some deep underlying issues that I kind-of know about but don't address. I do socialise (Although less and less), and drink whilst out and with friends, but I will drink a substantial amount before I leave the house. I'm single, busy, and ok for money. I live in London and have a lot of different booze shops to choose from in walking distance.
Of course it's a different shop every day.
I'm physically addicted, have been for a long time and I'm ashamed, I weep a lot when I'm on my own and I don't know how to do this.
Stopping is the obvious option, and I have done this many times, but I only manage short bursts; the relapses are devastating - I stopped for a month about three years ago and I relapsed, I woke up at 5am in my hallway after smashing the front door in. I was in a pile of glass with cut hands, and I'm lucky to be alive after that one. I missed my wrist vein by a centimetre or so.
I started drinking again a few days later.
I can say sincerely, that I am a good man with a good heart, I am not violent towards people in the slightest, and will do anything I can to help anyone. I never appear 'Drunk', I am conscious of my surroundings, fully understand empathy. People know I like a drink but no-one knows the reality of the situation. It is, and always has been my secret, I'm an absolute expert at hiding evidence and acting straight.
Now I'm in trouble.
Sometimes I will drink until I am sick, so I can drink some more.
Unless I have alcohol in my system I cannot hold a coffee cup in public. Through desperation of trying to handle the mere simplicity of a coach trip I went to a bar before the journey...I ordered a pint of beer, but couldn't pick it up through shaking. I had to quietly find a discarded straw so I could drink it as it sat on the table. That got some strange looks...
If I do go through a day or OMG! two without drinking - I sweat so profusely that I can't shake people's hands or walk in open footwear, I shake un-controllably, and sleep is out of the question...It feels like I am falling inside myself and pulled in every direction as well as down...
The cherry on the cake occured last month.
I am a musician. I am not famous but I am lucky to play some pretty high brow gigs and it's my career. Fifteen years of free bar tabs, general Dutch Courage before going on stage and time to my own devices have contributed to my drinking situation. I am not a 'Rock and Roller', I am a humble player of a variety of classical styles...but it takes a lot of concentration in a live situation. I have always drunk before every performance. I will lie if colleagues ask me whether I have drunk anything-"Of course not." I say after half a pack of chewing gum to disguise the smell.
Recently during a very important performance, alcohol was prohibited back-stage and on the entire grounds of a large venue. I was sweating and shaking and lost control of my body. I had to walk off stage half way through the second track; I couldn't even pick up my instrument. I collapsed outside. On my own. In the corner of a car-park.
When people asked me why I walked off stage, I told them I was exhausted due to the early flight, lack of sleep etc and felt faint... It took me twenty minutes to secretly find a few drinks to get my fix before I could deal with anyone again properly, or get my stuff.
Those people won't speak to me now.
I love to paint, but I can't hold a brush anymore...
I love my family, but I don't want them to see me like this, least of all breathe alcohol fumes over the little ones...So I avoid them.
I've given up driving and sold my car because I don't trust myself with car keys...
I've become more and more reclusive, I'm losing my motivation and becoming agoraphobic; I have panic attacks on public transport if I have not drunk anything.
Worst of all, I am losing my memory. I have to quietly look through my phone address book to trigger reminders of my friend's names. I've known some of them for over twenty years...
I'm only 36 years old. My insides are starting to hurt and I don't want to die, and I don't know why I haven't yet...But right now I'm so scared of telling anyone close how much this problem has escalated over the years, for fear of what they will think or how they will act toward me...When I drink, I feel normal...I am me...When I don't, I'm a quivering, quaking, sweaty, in-comprehensible, scared man that can't look people in the eye.
I am now turning down and avoiding appointments and meetings, losing touch with people and very much losing total control, in no uncertain terms.
How do I go about this.
I
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
First of all welcome to SR. You have taken the first step toward your recovery by reaching out for help. There will be others along soon that will be able to give you more specific advice on what you can do to escape this lifestyle and start a healthier one.
I would recomend taking a look on the Alcholism forum, there is a lot of wisdom and help over there. Welcome again!! Take care.
I would recomend taking a look on the Alcholism forum, there is a lot of wisdom and help over there. Welcome again!! Take care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi and Welcome,
I am so glad you found us. Please know that you are not alone.
There is hope, there is always hope. My advice is to talk to your dr. It can be very dangerous to detox from alcohol. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Know that you can do it. There are many of us here who didn't believe we could make it, but we did.
Stopping drinking is the beginning of recovery. It's a wonderful, amazing journey and you will likely find that you need to make some changes in your life.
I hope that you keep reading and posting.
I am so glad you found us. Please know that you are not alone.
There is hope, there is always hope. My advice is to talk to your dr. It can be very dangerous to detox from alcohol. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Know that you can do it. There are many of us here who didn't believe we could make it, but we did.
Stopping drinking is the beginning of recovery. It's a wonderful, amazing journey and you will likely find that you need to make some changes in your life.
I hope that you keep reading and posting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi stringz
Your stories very much similar to mine - I drank alone, couldn't get drunk, drank til I was sick - sweated a lot when I wasn't....losing my memory, agrophobic, depressed...
and I used to be a gigging bass player...I lost that career when I started turning up drunk before the gig rather than after....
All that was 2 and a half years ago for me.
What you need to do is stop drinking. (I know...
) but everything else really does come from that.
Coming here is a great start - I would never have made it without the support I have here.
Going to your doctor is another great start. Pls consider doing that as soon as possible.
Be honest and open.
Face to face support is great too - whether it's counselling or AA or some other support programme, I'm a firm believer you can't get too much support.
It's not easy? But it's very very possible
Welcome to SR, mate.
D
Your stories very much similar to mine - I drank alone, couldn't get drunk, drank til I was sick - sweated a lot when I wasn't....losing my memory, agrophobic, depressed...
and I used to be a gigging bass player...I lost that career when I started turning up drunk before the gig rather than after....
All that was 2 and a half years ago for me.
What you need to do is stop drinking. (I know...
) but everything else really does come from that.Coming here is a great start - I would never have made it without the support I have here.
Going to your doctor is another great start. Pls consider doing that as soon as possible.
Be honest and open.
Face to face support is great too - whether it's counselling or AA or some other support programme, I'm a firm believer you can't get too much support.
It's not easy? But it's very very possible
Welcome to SR, mate.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
You have to acknowledge the importance that 15 years of drinking has done to you.
You need to start playing in front of a live audience sober. You need to start realizing yourself as a sober person that doesn't need alcohol.
You will find that not only will you begin to feel better, but you will begin to PLAY better. Why, you ask? Because that person playing will be the real you. Do you feel that the person playing is the real you? If so, then it is just your brain fooling your fingers.
You need to play with your feelings. And alcohol only numbs feelings.
You also need to see a doctor. And like an above poster said, be honest.
The other thing I would do is TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH. Telling my family was one of the most important steps I ever took.
Second, play a recital for them...SOBER. You need to get used to playing in front of a crowd while sober. Dedicate it someone in the group.
Above all else, just be honest. No one can ever blame another person for being honest. Honesty is sacred. Start there, and you will find a whole new you to discover.
Welcome to SR, and I hope things work out!
You need to start playing in front of a live audience sober. You need to start realizing yourself as a sober person that doesn't need alcohol.
You will find that not only will you begin to feel better, but you will begin to PLAY better. Why, you ask? Because that person playing will be the real you. Do you feel that the person playing is the real you? If so, then it is just your brain fooling your fingers.
You need to play with your feelings. And alcohol only numbs feelings.
You also need to see a doctor. And like an above poster said, be honest.
The other thing I would do is TELL YOUR FAMILY WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH. Telling my family was one of the most important steps I ever took.
Second, play a recital for them...SOBER. You need to get used to playing in front of a crowd while sober. Dedicate it someone in the group.
Above all else, just be honest. No one can ever blame another person for being honest. Honesty is sacred. Start there, and you will find a whole new you to discover.
Welcome to SR, and I hope things work out!
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Stringz, welcome. I hope that you find some of the help that you need here. I think you will.
If you read through stories posted by some of the members with more seniority, you will find real tragedy, but also some real inspiration. Like yours, many of the stories start out on a down note, but over time, the pages become brighter through hard work, commitment, reflection, spirituality, and friendship.
Keep reading and posting, and be well!
If you read through stories posted by some of the members with more seniority, you will find real tragedy, but also some real inspiration. Like yours, many of the stories start out on a down note, but over time, the pages become brighter through hard work, commitment, reflection, spirituality, and friendship.
Keep reading and posting, and be well!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Welcome my friend...
Stringz, all I can say is you are gonna need some help, you know it... you are physically addicted to alcohol and if you try to do it alone, you might not make it...
Pull yourself together as much as possible... reach out to your doctor, a detox center, ER... whatever... it sounds like you are ready... how long are those high brow gigs gonna be there, especially if you smell like alcohol (people don't just go around asking others if they are drinking unless they smell it, and people don't walk off stage in the middle of a performance muttering excuses about traveling, lack of sleep...).
So you really have much less to hide than you think. Get help. We'll be here.
Keep posting...
Mark
Stringz, all I can say is you are gonna need some help, you know it... you are physically addicted to alcohol and if you try to do it alone, you might not make it...
Pull yourself together as much as possible... reach out to your doctor, a detox center, ER... whatever... it sounds like you are ready... how long are those high brow gigs gonna be there, especially if you smell like alcohol (people don't just go around asking others if they are drinking unless they smell it, and people don't walk off stage in the middle of a performance muttering excuses about traveling, lack of sleep...).
So you really have much less to hide than you think. Get help. We'll be here.
Keep posting...
Mark
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Welcome, Stringz.
Like a few other responders, a lot of what you said resonates with me--although I am not a musician. Just an alcoholic...
Like the one right before me, I beg you to visit a doctor before you quit. That shaking and whatnot you described can turn fatal.
I'm going through something unsettlingly similar right now...
Take care, & hope to see you around here!
-TB.
Like a few other responders, a lot of what you said resonates with me--although I am not a musician. Just an alcoholic...
Like the one right before me, I beg you to visit a doctor before you quit. That shaking and whatnot you described can turn fatal.
I'm going through something unsettlingly similar right now...
Take care, & hope to see you around here!
-TB.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Stringz, I spent the last 5 years of my drinking alone in my garage, I had no social life unless it involved drinking for many years. In a nut shell I was an alcoholic drunk who managed to keep a job.
Please do as I did, I was hopeless and lost, I saw a doctor and told him the entire truth about my drinking. Like you I did not drink to get drunk, I drank because I had to drink to function.
Medical detox was pretty easy, they kept taking my blood pressure and checking me for the shakes every hour or 2, then they would hand me all kinds of vitamins, blood pressure meds and siezure meds as needed. At the end of 5 days all the physical symptoms were gone... but that was when the insanity set in!!!! I was convinced I could not make it home with out stopping to buy a 12 pack to get me there!!
The real fight to stay sober had begun, the battle with the mental obsession! Well in detox they had told us over and over again "If you want a chance to stay sober long term we suggest you go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor."
Well some how with a lot of praying which I had not done in a long time I made it home, then to an AA meeting where I got a sponsor.
I will not lie to you and say those early days were easy, they were not, but with the support of my sponsor and AA I got through them.
I find a program of recovery and face to face support to be the key to my sobriety, like I already said, I chose AA, but there are others as well.
First things firt though, as others have already said, see a doctor and be totally honest, detox can and does kill alcoholics every day, being medically detoxed if needed could save your life.
Please do as I did, I was hopeless and lost, I saw a doctor and told him the entire truth about my drinking. Like you I did not drink to get drunk, I drank because I had to drink to function.
Medical detox was pretty easy, they kept taking my blood pressure and checking me for the shakes every hour or 2, then they would hand me all kinds of vitamins, blood pressure meds and siezure meds as needed. At the end of 5 days all the physical symptoms were gone... but that was when the insanity set in!!!! I was convinced I could not make it home with out stopping to buy a 12 pack to get me there!!
The real fight to stay sober had begun, the battle with the mental obsession! Well in detox they had told us over and over again "If you want a chance to stay sober long term we suggest you go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor."
Well some how with a lot of praying which I had not done in a long time I made it home, then to an AA meeting where I got a sponsor.
I will not lie to you and say those early days were easy, they were not, but with the support of my sponsor and AA I got through them.
I find a program of recovery and face to face support to be the key to my sobriety, like I already said, I chose AA, but there are others as well.
First things firt though, as others have already said, see a doctor and be totally honest, detox can and does kill alcoholics every day, being medically detoxed if needed could save your life.
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