Daph

Hi all,

I found this forum not entirely by accident. I'm here because I need to be here. I have been struggling with alcoholism and addiction in general for the past 25 years. I have been to treatment numerous times, although I haven't been in the past 13 years. Except for 30 days here and there I have never been completely sober. I have tried AA, meetings, sponsors, and logic. I have never been able to drink normally. My family does not understand this. I have always been a binge drinker. Although for the past 4 years I've only had a few occasions that I've actually drank, I started going to the doctor more frequently when I first moved and he put me on Vicodin, Xanax, and Ambien.
Well guess what? Although I never had the problem of drugs before, other than the occasional MJ, I've become a full fledged drug addict. I stopped taking the xanax, but I'm hopelessly addicted to vicodin and ambien. I haven't used anything since last Sunday but it's on my mind 24/7. I know from past experience with recovery that I need support from people who understand. I've never actually gone online for this but as I read your forums, especially the newcomer forums, I can see the sincerity and support that's offered. I'm struggling right now with my daughter, who is also gripped with this disease. I see myself in her 25 years ago when I first started. I know the pain that she's going to experience and I feel helpless at stopping it.

I know there isn't anything I can do right now to help her until I can help myself. So I'm here and willing. I do not want to continue down this path as I know where it will lead. Some of the posts I've read are very inspiring and I feel that this will be a good place to begin.

Thank you guys for being here. This is what I need for today.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community...
Glad you are here with us.

I don't know anything about the drugs you are using
I'm a recovered alcoholic but.....
please check out this Forum

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

All my best to you and your daughter

Daph

My drug of choice is alcohol. Although in the past year or so, to avoid drinking, I've let myself use other things to take it's place. I appreciate the link to the drug forum. I read some of the posts, and although I find myself using daily, I'm not quite to that extent yet. I think it's more of a 'replacement' for the lack of alcohol than anything else. It's my way of being a "dry drunk". Or at least that's what I've figured out. I could be wrong. Maybe for the past 25 years, I've only thought I've had a problem with alcohol. The last time I was in treatment, my doctor told me I was the best functional alcoholic he's ever seen. Somehow I don't think that's a compliment. I've hit bottom so many times I didn't think I'd be able to pick myself up again. But lately the drugs have become a problem. I prefer to think of myself as an addict and not classify myself as an alcoholic or drug addict. It all comes back around to the same thing. One of the things I learned in treatment was that it didn't matter what mind altering drug you used - you'd always come back to your drug of choice. And mine happens to be alcohol. I really didn't need any advice on the drugs I mentioned. I'm a health care professional so I have some knowledge about the drugs. My fear is going back to alcohol when I stop taking the drugs. I've already asked my doctor not to prescribe any more vicodin. I stopped taking the xanax on my own. I'm still working on the ambien, and I still have occasional binges with alcohol.

Anyways, thanks for the warm welcome.

Believe808

Welcome to SR Daph

This is pretty much my story right here.

Please be careful detoxing from those pills, get under your doctors care or into a detox.

Just about a year ago, it brought me to my knees, I was rushed to the hospital, then to a rehab and then straight to AA. For me AA has been my savior.

Good luck, you can do it.

bohemianzen

welcome daph! glad to have you here - you will find lots of support. i was a binge drinker too (>28 years)

Sikkisirus

Welcome Daph, great place you have found here

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Daph, a lot of good folks here to offer support and share thier experience with you.

The only recovery experience I have from my alcoholism has been AA, it was the solution to my alcoholism, but I had to be FULLY commited to working the program in order for it to work for me.

By working the program FULLY I did the following:

1. I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days.
2. I got a sponsor.
3. I took the steps with my sponsor (The steps both taking them and more importantly applying them daily to all areas of my life were the key for me.)
4. Getting a network of people in AA and speaking to 3 of them at least every day.
5. Daily prayer and meditation.
6. Working with other alcoholics.

tallcactus

Daph and Welcome.
My DOC was alcohol with my Hx of being a binge drinking 2. ODAAT is what it takes.
How is your support at home working, do U go 2 AA/NA meetings, have U admitted that U R powerless and given this 2 yr 'higher power' as U know it 2 B?
Great advice already given and I'm sure U will receive more, with ES& H tossed in 4 extra measure.
I'm also a healthcare professional. Please join our group under community, located at the top, on the toolbar.
Stay strong, don't quit.

Daph

I haven't been to any AA/NA meetings recently. I'm a little turned off by them in this area because of some of the things I've heard. I'm sure there are some good meetings around. The other thing is I don't trust myself. The last time I was in treatment, I got involved with someone that was also in treatment with me and a week later, guess what? We were both using again. And the whole point of getting together was for support. So I'm scared to try it again.

As far as admitting I'm powerless over mind altering chemicals, yeah I admitted that a long time ago, to myself and in meetings. I have no denial that I'm an alcoholic/addict. I know I am. I've gone through the steps before. Unfortunately I'm having a problem with a 'higher power' right now. I'm not saying I'm agnostic or an atheist, I'm just saying I find it hard to believe in non-concrete things although believe me, after a binge, I always ask 'him' for help.

I have no alcohol in my house. Nor do I have drugs right now. I found a long time ago that having anything in the house was a trigger for me. I could always talk myself into using whatever it was, so I just don't keep anything here. Unfortunately, that's not the case at my parents house. Not only do they have alcohol readily available, my mom has plenty of pills.
They know I have a problem but they don't consider it a disease. It's more of a social problem than anything else. They think I can still have 1 or 2 drinks and stop right there. Even after so many years of problems with it. Their house is a trigger for me. They are a trigger for me. My husband however is very supportive. He doesn't drink or do drugs. I was an alcoholic when we met, but I wasn't doing any type of drugs. Now he's got the whole package. I'm surprised he's still with me.

It's ironic that my daughter is in an alcoholic and substance abuse program at the college she attends and still doesn't have a clue about recovery. I guess neither do I. I do know that I want what some of you have. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and know that I don't have to apologize to anyone about anything I did the night before. I'm not sure what ODAAT is.

Daph

I need a few more posts before I can join the community group but I'd love to when I can, thank you so much for your support Tallcactus

Charmie

hello daph and welcome to sr.ODAAT is one day at a time,,heck,take it one minute at a time if you have to.but i am of the belief that i am powerless over alcohol,so if this is the case then how do i arrest the insanity of picking up the first drink? well unless i have a programme i cant.i am powerless.i drank alcoholically for 20 yrs.one disaster after another.my life was chaos.there was violence,rape,sanitaruims,overdoses,unwanted pregnancy,you name it.i too tired AA four years ago.the loss of my daughter (she was 12 and went to live with my sister) and a stint in a locked phsyc ward made me think that maybe something was not right in my life,,,(really?)..well i went and i did what they suggested.went to lots of meetings and called people,i was told not to pick up the first drink,but we have established that i am powerless so this didnt work.i got back to AA at the begining of the year and had an honest desire to stop this time.i got a sponsor and went at the steps like my life depended on it (well,,it did!).and i mean i really threw myself into them.my sponsor taught me straight out of the big book and was from the school of hard knocks if you like as far as the programme is concerned.i didnt question anything or procrastinate,i just got my bloody head down and for the first time in my life i did as i was told.i had the gift of desperation.i did the opposite to what my alki brain was telling me and i ceased fighting everything and everyone around me.so,you have admitted you are powerless over alcohol,is your life unmanagable? if so then how do you plan to stay stopped? if you are alcoholic and you say you are,you suffer from twofold illness.mental and physical.you put the plug in the jug and that deals with the craving,the physical side.but,,,,how do you deal with the mental side of things? for me this was the 12 steps.if you want to truly get sober then forget about the past experiences you had in AA,they really do not matter,we are talking about your life here,how much do you want it? are you prepared to go to any lengths? go back with a new set of eyes,openess and willingness.just be willing to believe.i only have 8 months sober,but do you know what? i hardly know the person that lived in my body for all those years.i have changed,my thinking has changed,my attitudes towards everbody and everything around me.i am happy.i wish you well.if i can be of any help to you then please pm me anytime.

tallcactus

ODAAT= "one day at a time."
Hang in there, Daph

Aysha

I am just skimming the rest of the posts. I fully read the initial post.
Thats an all too common story. People trying to get off the drink and becoming addicted to a drug prescribed by a dr.
I would be very honest with your dr. Let them know where that med has taken you.
And please ween down with medical supervision.
It can be very dangerous if not deadly just stopping cold turkey.
You have found a wondeful group of folks here.
Hope you stick around.

Wolfchild

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
i hope you will take action daily & seek help
to stop using and to find a new way to live.

Hevyn

Daph, welcome to the family. It's wonderful you're deciding to take action again - to fight for a new life for yourself. I've been abusing alcohol for over 25 years too. It feels wonderful not to be a slave any more. It took me a ridiculously long time to realize there was no way I could moderate my drinking. I don't want to stay stuck on yesterday, though - onward we go. Looking forward to hearing more of your story and recovery.