laney012862

I'm seeing so many people talk about relpases and it makes me so scared for my son. Tonight is my first Al-anon meeting, now I'm not sure I want to go and hear more bad things. God I don't even know what I'm saying anymore, I'm so terrified.

Astro

Welcome to SR laney, this is a great place for info and support, I'm glad you've joined us and I'm really happy to hear you're going to an Al-Anon meeting. I hope it's a positive experience for you, maybe you can share about it tomorrow?

I've been clean & sober for a few years now, there are no guarantees in recovery. For some of us it works, others will ride the rollercoaster for years, and some will never get it. Relapse doesn't have to be a part of recovery, sadly it can be part of the disease.

You have a journey ahead of you and so does your son. I hope you'll both focus on yourselves and do the best you can to take care of you. It's all about learning to live life on life's terms, it's not always perfect and happy, but it can be an amazing experience to open our hearts to unconditional love and understanding.

laurie6781

Laney welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

I have been sober and clean for a long time now, but there are NO GUARANTEES. It is up to the addict and how much they want recovery.

Got to the Al-Anon meeting. That is for YOU. Not for your son, for YOU. Al-Anon will help you learn how NOT to enable. Al-Anon will teach you how to figure out what your boundaries are and then how to set those boundaries. Al-Anon will help you work on you in so many ways.

As to the relapses you read about on here. YOur son will do what he has to do, to get where he has to get, to each his own bottom and figure out that he WANTS sobriety.

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this.

You can't CURE this.

His addiction is HIS problem.

How you 'react' to him is your problem. That is where Al-Anon can help you immensely.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

ItsmeAlice

Welcome Laney!

Fear can be paralyzing but it can also be a motivator.

I spent a lot of the time leading up to my leaving my alcoholic exboyfriend trying to keep my witts about me as the fear of the unknown was overwhelming. I would remind myself to keep moving forward, focus on the next five minutes, the next 10 minutes, and so forth to keep my cool. I wanted to run for the hills rather than face my reality. There is a lot you can do to keep sane in this time and reaching out for support is a BIG one.

You are here, and we are listening. Keep posting. You'll get through this. Get to that meeting and take it from there.

Alice

MrsMagoo

Welcome to SR. When I experienced relapse with my husband, the last thing I wanted to hear when he got out of treatment was that there were no guarantees and he could not promise to never use again, only to promise he would try. I was furious.

The fact of the matter is that it happens. Like Laurie and Astro said, not necessarily to everybody. Sometimes the addict has to stumble a few times and then they "get it" - just like we as wives, mothers, friends and family members mess up and do what we think is best for our loved ones when in fact it might be the worst.

Try not to live with your heart in your throat. We all know it's hard but with practice and patience, you will get there. The Al-Anon meeting you go to will help teach you how. Please promise that if, for some reason, you don't like the meeting you go to tonight, that you will try another one at a different location or on a different night.

As I said, welcome to SR. Please let us know how tonight's meeting goes. I beleive there are on-line meetings here as well --somebody? but most likely, a face-to-face meeting will do you much more good, especially since this seems to be fairly raw and new right now.

You will find much love, support and encouragement here so please keep posting and read all you can.

laney012862

I will definetely post tomorrow and let ya'll know how it goes. I'm just so scared for him and my husband and I. He is battling drugs and alcohol. One good thing is that he has never stolen from us (that I know of). I know he respects us. He is in OP treatment now but he just seems soooo distand and crabby. I guess this is normal???

Astro

I felt pretty lost and confused in early recovery. Heck, sometimes I still do. Yes, I think it's a common feeling among some of us.

laney012862

Thanks Astro, if you don't mind my asking, are you a RA??

Astro

Recovered Alcoholic/Addict? I prefer not to use that term. I am recovering. It is a lifelong process, I'm thrilled to be on the journey.

wuzzled

Hi Laney, and welcome!

Go to the meeting tonight, it is one of the best decisions you can make right now.

Addiction is terrifying. I was completely consumed by my husband's addiction. I couldn't focus on anything else. Always trying to figure out how to "fix" everything. Al-anon helped me realize that the only thing I can "fix", is myself. Learning new ways of thinking, providing me with tools, support and a great deal Experience, Strength & Hope, I have been able to focus on me, and this has taken the focus off him. I have learned I have to let him take care of himself.

I am not saying it is EASY, because it hasn't been, and I still have a lot of work on me to do. What i am saying is that I know whether the situation with him improves or not, I know I have learned better ways of dealing with myself.

987Seek

Going to try to make this as short as possible. I have been friends w/an alcholic for years, have not lived in the same town until the last 1-1/2. He is a sweet loving person not ill mannered..just a bad alcoholic and I have just been at my witts end the last few weeks. I guess he is more a boyfriend now than a friend. He basically is NOT a funcutioning alcholic and his life is a mess. He knows few people in town, has some family that I am very close to but have washed their hands of him or he has them...I pretty much stop seeing him w/o saying all together, kept the lines of communication open but limited because I was tired of it and he just wasn't getting better. He finally called for help and think he was serious. He has no job/insurance. I took him to ER then they took him to detox. He is at this point their star patient because he wants to be there but this is also a controlled environment so time will tell. I don't know how long they will keep him; since he does not have insurance I do not know what will happen to him next althought he needs some inhouse Long term treatment. I know there are places here that take them for 30 days -if they have space. I know it is going to be hard for him to be sucessful if he does not have more than detox. His family intown - love him but don't know that they are will to go the extra mile or if they are even getting invovled but I would like them to as I would like to see him beat this and be given a fair chance w/support. The family here drinks often and living w/them is probable not the best but he can NOT live w/me. If he goes back to the same town w/parents and friends there is little if any work there and for the intial enviroment it might not be good either. I am tired, don't want the responsiblity and don't know if I am even able to help. It could be that I hurt him more than help him. I am hoping they will step up and take over. I have no idea what the process is when they are released from Detox or if he just calls for someone to pick him up. I have plans to be out of town and glad that I do - so he has to call his family. They will do it but hope they don't take him back to an apartment w/o electric....no job...no food...no money. However, they take him to their house - beer every day. I really think to them - he needs to learn to live w/it. This is true but seems it wouldn't be health off the bat. I do not want him to feel I am not supportive or have abandon him. I know he loves me a great deal as I do him. I want him to succeed and I want to do what is best for him. I seem to be the only one he trusts for the most part. However, as he sobers up things might become clearer to him as he has elinated most them. I don't have the answers to any of these questions. Do I visit him in detox or not or just call. The center told me it was perfectly fine because he is doing well in there. Have no idea how long they will keep him....Any advice is welcome at this point. What is best for him. He has a long road ahead of him, he is not in trouble w/the law but has no money, no job, no real ocal support that I am aware unless the detox center helps. He was in the middle of moving out of his apartment when he went to detox and behind in child support to boot. I have plenty of money but don't want to pick up the pieces and not sure I am willing to pay for long term treatment - would if I knew w/o a doubt he was serious. I think he is but who really knows. Did he do this because he was at the bottom or because he knew he had too. He was well aware of his horrible problem and did't dismiss that but did blame most others as most do....HELP. Please

987Seek

PS-Should have looked at / corrected my spelling errors. Just looking for directions and do not want to get it from the detox center (if they even have it) because I am concerned they will look to me to be the complete contact verses the family. I would like to see the family take over. Keep in mind that I have been very close to this family for years, they are not pleased w/me either because they knew this was not in my best interested. Right but too late now.

IPT

I have a friend who was on the streets doing heroin and is now clean for 15 years, has a PhD and is a college professor. Focus on the success' rather than the failures. I may be wrong, but I venture to guess you'll see A LOT more posts here about bad times and failures than good times a success. People usually reach out when thibgs are bad not when they are good. Good luck to you and your family

neecey1224

IMHO, many addicts have chosen to use their DOC as a coping mechanism. If a recovering addict has not yet developed alternative coping skills, enough to deal with more than minor, everyday challenges, then their DOC looks pretty attractive to save them from whatever pain life is dishing at the moment. I think that's why the support systems through AA/NA, treatment programs, counseling, and family are so important to lasting recovery. You need support to lean on when things get rough.

JMFburns

987Seek,

Try starting a New Thread so you can tell you own story there and get responses to your story.

STLMama

Hun, I am new to this too. I'm a firm believer that knowledge is power. I went to my first meeting last night. Did all my worries, concerns go away...no. Did I feel good about MYSELF for going? Yes!

I've found a lot of great help here on these boards. Keep reading...try a few meetings...do what you have to do for you.

Yes, I think we are very close. I am in West County (St Louis) Feel free to email me anytime. We could both use all the understanding friends we can get!

marle

For me the fears never totally go away. (My daughter has been clean for 15 months.) But the program gives me the tools that I need to live my life one day at a time and slowly my fear is turning to faith that my HP has both me and my daughter. Hugs, Marle

lightseeker

Laney,

Welcome...I'm glad that you found us. You do hear about a lot of relapses here but you have to remember that a lot of our members find us because the pain that they are in dealing with a loved one suffering with substance abuse. Many people stick around but many people leave as things improve and/or change.

I hope that what you will hear is that there is hope and that there are ways to care for yourself that living with the possibility of relapse becomes more manageable for you. By working a program/going to meetings I've been able to detach better from that fear and worry. Yes, relapse is a possibility but so are many many other things that just occur in life that are possibilities too. By taking care of myself and developing a community of support for me I've found that I am better able to manage the fear and worry.

My husband is a recovering addict with 35 years of drug abuse in his past (last 20 years were using crack). He has been clean and sober for 4+ years now. Will he remain clean? I certainly don't know the answer to that but I've also learned how to focus on myself and look at the potential for relapse as a fact rather than a fear. There honestly are weeks that go by and that thought doesn't even cross my mind. I won't kid you about the time I put into my own recovery program but I will tell you that each moment is completely worth it.

I remember earlier on in my process when people would come into my Naranon meeting and talk about loved ones that relapsed after 5/10/13/20 years. It used to just plain ole freak me out. It made me feel like things would never be "safe" for me. I still cringe when I hear relapse tales but if I keep "coming back and work it" I am able to find the peace that I need to stay in today. Wish that I could explain it better but I guess that I can't!

Anyway - welcome. Hope that your meeting went well for you. I've always heard that you should give it at least 6 times and if you don't like the meeting that you've gone to then try some other ones.

Take care....

teke

welcome, just wanted to chime in. you and your family are in my prayers.

MrsMagoo

Laney,

Just checking in to see how your meeting went last night.

I began realizing my husband was an alcoholic soon after we met. I married him anyway. When he started doing drugs (even though I knew he had a prior history), I was livid. He was a professional substance abuse counselor and had many clean years under his belt from which he got his education and got into the field.

Bottom line is, I felt like I had been picked up and dropped on another planet. Words that I was unfamiliar have become part of my every day vocabulary. My whole life has changed so much but right now, I am so glad for it. Through meetings and networking here on SR, I have the best friends and support system anyone could ask for. I'm more involved in my church and just generally more compassionate toward people. I try very hard not to judge anyone anymore. We all have garbage somewhere in our lives it seems even though most of the time we don't allow anybody else to know it.

Meetings are a good way to unload your fears or deal with them. You will draw much courgage and amazing strength from a good meeting and the friendships....well, powerful and strong.

I hope you come back. There are many people on here (I call them "leaders") that have lengthy clean time and work a strong program. They are the inspirations and the threads of hope. It can be done. Addiction does not have to be a sentence of dread and dispair but it will always be something that they need to work on, concentrate on and make a number one priority in their lives. Daily. Don't give up.