swampy

guy's, here is the latest.. first off, I am sorry i do not post more.. i just feel i have nothing to contribute.. quickly, just relapsed after 19-20 months. My life sucked when i stopped and still really sucks now. Unemployed Graphic designer, living with parents at 41, have 2 kids from two different moms(not with either, they really don't like me), having to pay lot's of money a month for child support, have not had any financial freedom in years.unemployment is just paying for my support.. barely....just stuck, totally stuck. no girlfriend.. nothing. so i have decided to start drinking again to escape this ****** reality. Yes, I know it could be much worse. But, being sober(clean) did not do.............. still in the same place.. sorry . pissed and rambling. btw, i am a very talented musician, or so i am told. have a band, but now I think I too old to do .. with that either.. it's a waste and letdown. If only i could turn back the clock.. that sounds so pathetic.

Dee74

Hi Swampy

I'm sorry you're having problems. Did you just stop drinking or did you work on other stuff too?

I found my life and my perspective were just as damaged from my years of drinking as my body was.

I tried many times to quit, but I never worked on the underlying life stuff so I always felt I was a loser really...and sooner or later that thinking leads you back to the bottle cos you figure, exactly like you did, 'my life sucked when I stopped and still really sucks now, so why bother?'

I really urge you to find some face to face support - whether that be counselling or some recovery programme, or both.

Look at doing something with your life right now - I lived with my folks too at 38/9 - nearly killed me - I took any job I could to get the hell outa there...I would have flipped burgers, y'know?.

I dunno what the jobs markets like in FL but man - do something....even if it's volunteering or something - give yourself a sober life again, but try your hardest to find some purpose in it...make it a life worth keeping this time

D

shaun00

thats a very interesting post swampy........those first few sentences screamed at me....thats me..

to be honest mate im hanging over the laptop.......i just gotta hit the sack after a 13 hr shift..........give me a few hours...and ill be back.... i have some experience to share with you.

take it easy.

thirtybubba

What Dee said--and probably, what Trucker will say...

Especially what he said about the volunteering etc... I know it's rough trying to get work now, I've been unemployed for nigh on a year and I can't find anything else--although I'm somewhat limited by a schedule. But sitting around is not helpful, you probably already figured that out.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope you'll find something you like to do besides drinking, that'll keep you from feeling like your life is a 'waste and a letdown'. It's not too late, by a long shot.

Take care,

-TB, also wishing for a time machine

Dee74

oh thanks TB LOL...

I forgot - the time machine is a nice idea but until someone builds one we just have to work with the stuff we can change...that means today really.

Wishing that things had been different is wasted energy - take that energy and make your next 20 years different from your last 20, Swampy

D

Tazman53

Do you feel that is going to improve reality?

What did you do to stay sober for 19-20 months?

vegibean

I can relate, especially to life not getting better. It is disappointing that you work hard and it just seems like it's one thing after another.

Swampy, I have chosen not to give up. I can't. I'm fighting for my life and myself. I just keep the faith every day that things have got to get better.

I hope you'll find that inner strength and pick yourself up and get going. Some days I think it would be wonderful to just sit down and get plastered but that really wouldn't help my situation, only make things worse.

My best to you.

Charmie

hi swampy,nice to meet you.there is no way on this planet i could have stopped drinking on my own,stayed stopped for any length of time and live a happy,full,useful life.how did you stay stopped for the time you did? and did you try any recovery programme? one thing is for sure,drinking will not fix things,but i dont need to tell you that do i? white knuckle,plug in the jug so called sobriety is my idea of h£ll,,i would rather stick pins in my own eyes.i drank alcoholically for 20 yrs,it was chaos,one disaster after another.at the begining of the year i went to AA.i did what i was told,went to lots of meetings and rang folk every day,i picked up again after 4 weeks,i wasnt changing,all i was doing was not drinking.i knew i had to change.i got a sponsor and got on the 12 step recovery programme.as a result of this i had a spiritual awakening and very rarely think of drink now.if i do it is a fleeting thought and it is not along the lines of picking up.i live a happy life,its simple enough,i clean bedrooms in my uncles guest house,it enough to pay the bills.and i volunteer for the red cross,the befriending service for elderly folk that dont have friends or family.i no longer sit on the pity pot,i give my time freely.this keeps me right with myself and with the world.the world is grand with plenty of folk in it less fortunate than oursleves that could maybe do with your help.i have only been sober 8 months and things have changed beyond recognition,as have i.AA is not for everyone but this is how i got the life i never thought possible.i wish you well.

24hrsAday

i hear ya.. 19 months sober is a long time in my book.. i don't think you sound stupid at all. i know all about being stuck.. it's very difficult. the escape idea and wanting to "go back in time" kind of go hand in hand for me.. i think eddie money has a track titled i wanna go back!l i always remembered my first 17 months clean and sober back in 90' it was something that helped keep me going in some very dark times..

shaun00

alright swampy.....sorry about that..tough night.

I wanted to share with you my experience of getting sober...in the beginning..
I'm about your age 43..recovered chronic alcoholic.

there i was smashed by booze...but something seemed different with me.
i got sober..my physical condition got better........and everything else got worse.
everyone else just seem to come alive.......me i wanted to blow my head off.
life was just a bit*h..
stay off the booze was hard work.....gripping onto a month or two with grim determination.
And then the day would come.......like your day..when i just couldn't deal with it any longer and went back to my old solution.

alcoholism seem to corner me........cant be with it.......cant manage life without it.
over and over and over and over......this happened..
i was bitter and twisted full of fear resentment and misery.

Now...id done hundreds and hundreds of AA meetings....jeez something gotta happen if i sit here long enough.........but for me.....nothing happened.
i went back with a plan...a serious plan.....if this drunk club dont work this time I'm gonna end my life....probably would never have the courage but i meant it at the time.

i did my normal share which sounded 100% like what you said...lifes **** basically.
i was approached by a guy that said he had found a solution to feeling like i did.....that solution was the 12 steps.

i ain't gonna say its a cake walk because at times it was uncomfortable.
but slowly i started to realize that id missed the elephant in the room.
the 12 steps are the program of recovery and i could recover.
not from just drinking but mainly for what happens when i dont drink..

life started to unfold......the fear diminished.
the constant obsession with alcohol lifted......
my perception of myself and others changed.....over more time i started feel at peace and i opened my heart to god and his direction.

this is my opinion.....
people with alcohol problems...get sober ...problem removed.
people with alcoholism.......get sober......and then the sh>t really hits the fan.

even though I'm alcoholic my problems have little to do with alcohol....there to do with my mind.......the longer i stay sober without a program the tougher it gets..
before i really started to recover....my wife would say..."you might as well drink because you act like you are anyway".........that stuck in my mind.

we need a whole new perception.........a renewing of the mind.
in my experience it was achievable by vigorous work with a sponsor and the steps...

so life got unbearable and you returned to your ultimate solution.
but my friend there is another.....i guarantee it.

what you got to lose........?..dive in.
sorry this is long winded.......im skimming the surface here.. please feel free to pm me if i can be of any help to you.

god be with you and keep you safe........shaun.

Tazman53

Man did I hear that a lot in the years before alcohol totally owned me!!!!

I don't hear that any more, I too found the solution you found.

shaun00

rarely does booze come up in conversation anymore with my wife taz.

the twelve steps didnt only set "me"...free.....man she put up with some sh~t..

she said...."you act like your drinking anyhow". once when i manage three months with knucles alone

tallcactus

((Trucker,))
There is a meeting..AA at 2:00 this PM, I think I need reenforcement...
Love AA, the people, happiness, and the sharing....gonna go.

Charmie

thank you shaun for your post,,will someone help me!!!!! every time i try to say thank you to a post it jumps out and says i am trying to edit posts,,,,,sorry,i dont mean to deviate from the thread but its driving me nuts!

RMM897

I am sorry that you are in pain and hope that what you read here will offer you some hope.

I, myself, am starting anew after a relapse at 3.5 years..and I had everything going for me at the time.

I also would like to echo the idea of volunteering. My volunteer position turned into employment that I still have today (thankfully)

thirtybubba

Just thought this should be in here twice.

Worked for me lately.


-TB.

shaun00

jeez charmian your so far up there in the mountains im surprised you got internet let alone a thankyou button...lol..lol.

no need to thank me my friend.......just keep hitting that reply button to a newcomer....ive always thought you got a sound message of hope.

keep smiling..........shaun.

Firehazard

for posting. I have been where you are banding my head feeling bad that I threw all that sobriety away.

Just Start fresh and leave the past to deal with itself. You must have gotten something good out of that clean time or you wouldn't been wanting it back.

Wecome back dude:ghug3

swampy

Dee74,trucker,thirtybubba,Tazman53, vegibean,charmian ,Tallcactus,RMM897, and Firehazard ..... thanks for the great responses. Unfortunately, I went on a 3.5 day bender making things alot worse, almost getting in jail. I was scared to death and have since went to meetings in the last 2 days, and have reconnected with my sponsor and some others in the fellowship. I hurt some friends pretty badly with drunken insults and almost violence. Got kicked out of my band. I ended up staying bed in for 48 hours. so much guilt. I will get into recovery again. I am just really trying to figure out what went wrong? again, thanks for the help.

thirtybubba

'Will get into recovery again'... what's stopping you? To quote a whole lotta people that've said it to me, just put the bottle down...

Me too, trying to get back the days I lost since Thursday... still haven't bothered to count them, but I know how many bottles it's been. 'Course, I didn't have as much drama as you.

Strangely, I too, am trying to figure what went wrong (usually it's obvious. this time, not so much.) Then I realized that's less important than just getting back to sober and starting on the path again. There'll be time to figure out what went wrong later on... If I do it the other way, there's no guarantee I'll do either.

Take care, Swampy.