lexington

Hi guys. I want to begin by saying I am so happy to have found a site like this, with such informative and supportive forums. There are some great posts on here. I especially liked the one "Using the addict."

about two weeks ago, I was dumped by an ex-heroin/crack/ketamine addict who I thought I was in love with. When I first met him, he called himself a recovering addict and talked about all the progress he was making towards being straight (this included finishing a school course and engaging in a lot of therapy).

Within a few weeks of starting our relationship, I found out that he was on large doses of valium and dihydrocodeine, which he said were for insomnia and back pain. When I researched these online I found out that this combination is often given to ex-junkies so I now doubt he was telling the truth there. He also had loads of other pills around the house... a veritable pharmacy of boxes that I was always stumbling across and tripping over, in addition to stores of illegal drugs that 'friends gave him' but that he 'didn't use'. He was also smoking dope about 5 times a day, give or take a few.

I held his hand through his 'getting better' stage, and he said my strength gave him a good example to follow. I am not addicted to anything, though I went through a short stage of amphetamine addiction about 12 years ago. He seemed to relate to this alot.

anyway, the bottom line is that he was clean on a regular basis when we were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship. I suspect this sounds familliar to some of the addicts on this forum, because I suspect lots of addicts use love as a kind of new kind of high. But when we started to hit the rocky patches that all relationships go through, my ex reacted by going on a three day speed binge (at least, that was all he admitted to using but personal experience told me he'd probably done a lot more than that.) Those three days were hell for me, and I reacted by drinking a LOT.

This happened a few times and by about a week before he ended the relationship, I realized that it was getting really unhealthy for me. I was spending all my time either drinking out of stress, or recovering... and waiting for him to come around and call me. I recognized that I was catching addiction off of him like a flu, and was prepared to end it. I was going to give him a chance to change before he bailed, but he took the easy way out and bailed first.

Basically, the experience made me realize that co-dependents aren't necessarily born, but made. If you fall for the lies of a smooth talker - which most addicts are - then you can be seduced into using drugs or drink the same way they do, i.e. as an emotional crutch. I especially noticed after reading the thread on codependency, that the traits listed did not sound much like me, and I honestly think the only reason why I noticed I was becoming more and more like my boyfriend was because I was lucky enough to have a moment of clarity. Basically, it looks like codependency is a risk of associating with addicts, rather than a predestined state of mind. And I think the only way to avoid becoming codependent is to avoid relationships with addicts altogether. I don't have a lot of experience with the subject however.

Anyway whether you agree with my view or not, I'm still relieved to be able to tell this story since I am sure some of the people reading this will have been through the same thing. That makes the heartbreak less painful

teke

hi lex, welcome, glad you found us. you may be right about co dependancy being a learned trait, i really don't know. what i believe is that i was always kind of codepent. i'm the oldest of 6 kids raised by a single parent. my dad passed away when we all were very young. i had to grow up early to kind of help my mom with my siblings so i think i naturally became the caretaker kind. by the time i met my ah, i was already in a fix it mode.

its also true for me about catching addiction. i had never used anything though i know that addiction ran in my family. my ah introduced me to crack, even though i don't feel like he really wanted me to try it. i just had no knowledge at all about drugs. i found out soon enough that once i tried it i couldn't quit.

after i found my way to sobriety, i then set out to fix or help my ah do the same. it took me a lot of yrs to figure out that i was by then addicted to my ah and nearly driving myself crazy trying to stick by him.

i had to get dumped many times before i even began to figure out what you already know. i'm glad you got out and seems to be doing good. i know it hurts but i think you are one of the lucky ones. he may not know it yet but i think he may have done you a big favor by leaving.

keep posting, these people have literally showed me love and understanding when in no way could i find it for my own self. it will get easier for you, i promise.

lexington

Hi Teke, thanks very much for the welcome

I can see the connection between you being raised in a caretaker role and then feeling more accountable for the addict. Maybe that is the difference between you and I. But to be honest I was slipping when my ex split with me; he had already managed to turn me on to the various pharmaceutical drugs he was taking, and if we'd stayed together then they would have created addiction problems for me as well.

Thanks for pointing out that he did me a favour by leaving - in light of what you've said, I can see that he really, really did. I had been prepared to keep fighting for the relationship because conventional wisdom tells us that relationships are hard work, and fighting for them is all part of the process of keeping them alive. But I would have been fighting to stay together with my future dealer, without even knowing it.

Yes, I definitely think codependency is caused more by one's unfamiliarity with the seductive nature of addiction/addicts than it is by predisposition. By the sounds of it, if you would have wound up with a non-addict you would have made a very caring and nurturing partner, but unfortunately society is full of addicts, most of them hidden in plain sight.

I wish you the best and hope I run into you again on this forum!

teke

thank you!!! lately i'm here kind of often so make sure you stick around. others will be along shortly.

greeteachday

For me codependency was more about my relationships...not always with addicts. Like Teke, i always played the care taker role and with my kids (both of whom struggled with addictions) my feelings definitely depended on theirs - well before I even knew there were drug abuse issues. If my daughters were upset, I needed to make it better...I felt good if they felt good ...I liked being able to control things (although I never considered myself a controlling person until i started working on me and I had that big ahh haa moment )

I definitely think folks can get so sucked in when in a relationship with an addict that they start using either to numb the pain or to try to understand or because somehow they think they can control the addicts use if they use with him.

You may not be codependent...you may have just had a bad relationship with an addict that you were able to get out of before you got sucked in. But codependent or not, there's lots of support here and it's a great site to share experiences and move forward. Glad you have joined!

laurie6781

I didn't know I was codependent.

Not until I got sober. Got married at 18 months sober to another 'sober' alcoholic (he had 2 1/2 years more than me = 4 yrs sober).

He started gambling and I 'tried' to fix him. He had changed addictions. What I didn't realize for another year and a half was that I changed addictions also, 'he' became my new addiction.

When I hit my 3 years anniversary in AA, my sponsor told me in no uncertain terms (I say she STRONGLY SUGGESTED, lol) that I start attending Al-Anon IMMEDIATELY and get an Al-Anon sponsor in addition to her.

It was then, and only then, that the 'light bulb' truly came on. I received from Al-Anon a totally different perspective of those same 12 steps, a perspective that really allowed me to work on me and after another 3 years was able to file for and get a divorce. Again it was and is HARD WORK digging into ME. Going beyond the 'symptoms' to the 'sources' within me that bring codependency to the forefront.

Today, my codependency is mostly 'in check' lol, but "Mrs. Fix It" does rear her head now and then. Just as with my addiction to alcohol and drugs, my recovery from being codependent is "progress not perfection."

J M H O

Love and hugs,

IPT

I have never been in a relationship like this one before and also found that I had very few of the co-dependent traits in my life or other relationships. In the context of a relationship with an addict I did things very out of character for me. It really changed me in a lot of ways. I do think that in the context of a healthy relationship a lot of so called co-dependent behaviors would not be seen in the light they are here. Alas I am certainly no expert .

Ann

I think there are varying degrees of codependency, some very deep rooted from childhood issues that had nothing to do with drugs or alcohol but formed the basis of having a need to "protect and control" (like mine), and some from a history of dysfunction in the family and/or relationships.

Some people come here in crises, showing all the signs and symptoms of codependency, but when the crisis passes and they move on, life becomes more "normal" for them again. Some come deeply affected by all that has happened and need to take a lot of time and work to find better, healthier ways to think/live/act.

All I know is that, for me, it's a lifetime program because any time I become complacent I slip back into old ways again which takes me to a dark path that I don't ever want to travel again.

We're here to walk with every newcomer that comes in that door of despair, and the beautiful thing is that our program teaches us a better, healthier way to live regardless of what brought us here or what our circumstance is today.

Hugs

outtolunch

I thought I did not have a co-dependet bone in my body. I was the anti-christ of co-dependency.

All it took to bring me to my knees was a 100 pound slip of a child, my child, who was addicted to heroin. I quickly made up for lost time and my life, almost overnight, began to revolve around her addiction and my need to control and cure her.

I saved a few emails I sent to my sister back when....proclaiming how I was going to beat addiction , how I cared enough to do whatever it was going to take to cure and fix my daughter. They are there to remind me of my own arrogance.

I did not call the Police when she stole from me. She was arrested for shoplifting and I hired the best attorney I could find to defend her. I threw huge amounts of money, energy and time at the situation. Multiple rehabs in far off states.....therapy, prescribed meds. I wrote notes. I begged and pleaded. I guilted. I snooped. I stalked. I confronted people in crack houses and on the street. I was not going to lose my child to this.

In otherwords, I was co-dependent. My happiness was dependent on her outcome. I thought I was in control. And oh how I wanted to be the reason why she got and stayed clean. I made it all about me.

The potential for co-dependency is in all of us. It lies dormant waiting for a trigger event.

liesagain

I thought I did not have a co-dependet bone in my body. I was the anti-christ of co-dependency.

All it took to bring me to my knees was a 100 pound slip of a child, my child, who was addicted to heroin. I quickly made up for lost time and my life, almost overnight, began to revolve around her addiction and my need to control and cure her.

I saved a few emails I sent to my sister back when....proclaiming how I was going to beat addiction , how I cared enough to do whatever it was going to take to cure and fix my daughter. They are there to remind me of my own arrogance.

I did not call the Police when she stole from me. She was arrested for shoplifting and I hired the best attorney I could find to defend her. I threw huge amounts of money, energy and time at the situation. Multiple rehabs in far off states.....therapy, prescribed meds. I wrote notes. I begged and pleaded. I guilted. I snooped. I stalked. I confronted people in crack houses and on the street. I was not going to lose my child to this.

In otherwords, I was co-dependent. My happiness was dependent on her outcome. I thought I was in control. And oh how I wanted to be the reason why she got and stayed clean. I made it all about me.

The potential for co-dependency is in all of us. It lies dormant waiting for a trigger event.

that exactly it............me to a tee. except not my child whos an adddict, ( I suspect my son may be as he seems to believe pot is fine .......diffferent thread) but my Husband is an addict...

but for me, before my relationship with my husband i had other relationships..........all with people who were sweet talkers and would fill some need for me............the need to be fixed or repaired. See some part of me, wants to help, fix, control and repair people
from my family to my friends to my kids and husband............

it goes beyond healthy caring and thats the part that I have learned is co-dependant
not just with the addict but anyone i love and care about.

meditation

Codependency to me is very complex. Sometimes I wonder if I became an addict because other people drove me crazy and I used drugs to escape or if is true that nobody can cause it. If it nobody can make a person use then being around addicts would not be a reason for a codie to become an addict. Not sure how the 3 C's work with an addict that introduces a code to drugs? This stuff I just really don't understand this codependency.
I do know that people can get on my last nerve and make me want to reach for something so that I won't bite their head off and I would be a bit more tactful and deal better... but I don't reach for things anymore so I lately have been either having to suck it up and then throw myself into some heavy exercise or I face the feelings and it all comes roiling out the anger, the fear and usually the people around me just don't want to deal with the emotions. They want me to be Nice. I have been nice all my life and here I sit recovering from a pill addiction. I self destructed rather than be real and honest. Maybe that's how one recovers.. just be honest with all the emotions and even if others don't want to deal with the issues or emotions well it beats me using again. This is why addiction is so very complex even the addict can't hardly wrap her head around it. I think it is about relationships more than anything else.

Envelope

Hi there and welcome,. Like you I have found this site amazing and been glued to my laptop this weekend!! (My obsessive addiction I suppose...)

I need to read the thread on co-dependency so Im not knowledgable on the topic.
But what urked me was what you said;
"I held his hand through his 'getting better' stage, and he said my strength gave him a good example to follow" Well set the example and that boundry (boy I have used this word today,) but its true... Set up your personal space and make it a better one for YOU.

Im going to read the thread on this topic and get back to you. Hang in and keep yourself occupied. Dont be alone and start drinking now!! Get out and see a good friend. And if no one is available just right to all of us!!

lexington

That makes me think that one of the above posters was correct, and I have not actually been codependent - I was just starting to mimic my boyfriend's addictive behaviours because we were close, and I was in pain. In fact, I consistently told him it was his choice whether to use drugs or not, but that his choices would have repercussions. I refused to comment on his use, which was hard, and never told him to change. I never thought of his addiction as "my" issue. When I realized that it was becoming my issue anyways because we were close and his pain was becoming my pain, I started to think about splitting up, whereas if I had been codependent I might have reacted by trying to change him instead.

Thanks to all the posters for your insights. At one point my ex tried to tell me that I was 'codependent' but all your stories highlight how different things would have been if I had had that tendency. However, I think it's important to remember that being close to an addict causes problems for the non-addict regardless of whether s/he is codependent, so I think the focus in this sort of relationship should be on establishing clear boundaries so that you know what you will or won't put up with. It doesn't make it any less painful to end it, especially since real addicts seem skilled at hiding the extent of their problems from people until they're close to them... all I can hope is that I've learned something from it.

Thanks to the poster who invited me to come chat on the forum instead of drinking because I've been afraid I might carry on that bad pattern, which I established with my ex. I did get swept away by him a bit and lost touch with my few friends, so it's tempting to try and 'deal' with my feelings myself. If I feel tempted to go on another bender, I'll at least know that you are all here and available for support

IPT

Wish I had done that.... I may not have been co-dependant in other relationhsips, but with my ex who had serious co-dependant and addiction issues I certainly became a codie.

lexington

Well in a sense it's only natural to try and make your loved one 'better' when s/he is ill, but I wonder if addicts don't manipulate their loved ones into becoming codependent. Maybe that's the only way they can share their pain?

But look at the bright side - at least now you know what an addict acts like, and how you should act if you start seeing one again. As it happens, I was only able to act as I did because I have met addicts in the past, and various friends and family members have dated them. You can't blame yourself for not having experience in handling a type of person you haven't met before.