Sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
Sad.
Hello everyone. I already posted this in the newcomer section, but someone suggested it put it here. I just happened to find this site and I am so glad I did. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and I just dont know what to do. I am not an alcoholic or addict, but my father and my boyfriend of six years are. My dad also has serious mental illness, and has completely destroyed his life in the past few years in every way possible. The person my dad used to be is completely gone and has been replaced by someone who seems completely insane. My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. He has always been an alcoholic, and we have been through ALOT of bad times together. Two years ago he got into a lot of trouble and went to long term rehab. He has been sober ever since until a month ago, when he decided he would rather drink than be with me. This came as a devastating blow to me, we were planning to get married and he is/was my best friend. We have still been talking but arent together, which is his decision. I feel so completely lost and just crushed by this....I am just blown away by the loss of my boyfriend. I feel so completely betrayed and abandoned, and I really dont know what to do. I dont want to go to an al-anon meeting because it is very hard for me to talk in public, and if I try I usually end up breaking down. I really just want someone to talk to about all this. This is the only site I have found with any mental health resources, it seems like there is just no help or concern for this issue. I am trying very hard to "detach" myself from these issues, but I am so heartbroken that I dont know how much more of this I can take. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you, sorry for the long post.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. I know it all hurts right now but you can find your way out of the pain and into a better life. We have all been where you are in one way or another.
One thing I have learned is how deeply having 2 alcoholic parents affected my life, my way of dealing with the world and how it led me to marry an alcoholic. You might want to do some reading (well a lot of reading really) on adult children of alcoholics and on codependency. There are many books out there on both subjects. Perhaps start with Codependent No More.
It is certainly possible to find a deeper understanding of what you are going thru and how you got there without going to Al Anon meetings. I've never been to one myself. I'm just not a meeting sort of person. This place is wonderfully helpful. Individual therapy is wonderfully helpful.
Stay around and keep posting.
One thing I have learned is how deeply having 2 alcoholic parents affected my life, my way of dealing with the world and how it led me to marry an alcoholic. You might want to do some reading (well a lot of reading really) on adult children of alcoholics and on codependency. There are many books out there on both subjects. Perhaps start with Codependent No More.
It is certainly possible to find a deeper understanding of what you are going thru and how you got there without going to Al Anon meetings. I've never been to one myself. I'm just not a meeting sort of person. This place is wonderfully helpful. Individual therapy is wonderfully helpful.
Stay around and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear bebemay, welcome here to the greatest healing site on the web.
Barbara's advice is spot on, and I am sure that others with experiences like yours, will post more helpful ideas to you.
I feel for your pain and shock, and will be keeping you in my heart and prayers.
Stay with us, and soak up the caring, support and understanding from the wonderful folk that are here.
God bless
Barbara's advice is spot on, and I am sure that others with experiences like yours, will post more helpful ideas to you.
I feel for your pain and shock, and will be keeping you in my heart and prayers.
Stay with us, and soak up the caring, support and understanding from the wonderful folk that are here.
God bless
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family bebemay!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Please read and post as much as you need.
I'm sorry you are hurting right now from the ending of your relationship. It is normal to grieve the end of a relationship just as we grieve the death of a loved one. You are healing through the hurt.
Melody Beattie's books are a good place to begin healing in the privacy of your own home. Counseling is a good resource. This forum is a great resource. And Alanon is a terrific resource.
The first few times I went to Alanon, I couldn't speak. I was an emotional basketcase. I knew if I opened my mouth, I would be blubbering within seconds. It was okay. They let me sit there and listen. There is comfort in being in the rooms of Alanon, even if you are just listening to your own heartbeat in your ears. The people at those meetings know what you are feeling (here too). They know that you have tried everything to make the relationship work. They know you are doubting every decision you ever made.
Somehow the people here and at meetings have found their serenity and love for themselves. It is part of a journey. Keep coming back and share in the journey!
Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. Please read and post as much as you need.
I'm sorry you are hurting right now from the ending of your relationship. It is normal to grieve the end of a relationship just as we grieve the death of a loved one. You are healing through the hurt.
Melody Beattie's books are a good place to begin healing in the privacy of your own home. Counseling is a good resource. This forum is a great resource. And Alanon is a terrific resource.
The first few times I went to Alanon, I couldn't speak. I was an emotional basketcase. I knew if I opened my mouth, I would be blubbering within seconds. It was okay. They let me sit there and listen. There is comfort in being in the rooms of Alanon, even if you are just listening to your own heartbeat in your ears. The people at those meetings know what you are feeling (here too). They know that you have tried everything to make the relationship work. They know you are doubting every decision you ever made.
Somehow the people here and at meetings have found their serenity and love for themselves. It is part of a journey. Keep coming back and share in the journey!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by bebemay 
I dont want to go to an al-anon meeting because ...
...it seems like there is just no help or concern for this issue.
...it seems like there is just no help or concern for this issue.
It can't hurt to try one of the best FREE resources out there, full of people who have been where you are...
Sending encouragement, and welcome to SR.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
((((bebemay)))) It is so OK for you to be hurting and crying. I was completely crushed when my A chose to leave. Then it became clinically traumatic for me when I was ordered under threat of police action to get out of the house. I had enough presence of mind left to ask friends and my church for help, and that's when miracles started happening and I was taken care of. It's been well over a year and half for me, and my eyes are welling up in tears yet again just in writing this to you. Isolation is a huge part of this disease, and I encourage you to continue posting here, and connect with loving and supportive people in your life and let them help you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR!
I am so happy you have found us. Of course, I am not happy for the circumstances that have led you here. For that, I am truly sorry and can relate. Just over a month ago I left my alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years. I am adjusting and moving forward one step at a time. So can you!
When you put up your hands in surrender as you have you will find that there are hands reaching down to you to pull you up. Reaching out maybe new and uncomfortable at first as it was for me. I've been always independent to a fault and insistent on solving problems I face without help . I resist those who try to guide me regardless of their experiences, and yet here, I found comfort, hope, support, encouragement, and wisdom. There is so much useful information to take in and so much help offered it can be overwhelming, but this format gives you the chance to take it all in and mull it over with no reply required. It is all at your pace and as you feel open to it.
I understand your feeling on Al-Anon meetings. I have never attended a meeting myself for similar reasons to yours. I have found excellent guidance in reading the books suggested here.
I hope to hear more from you!
Alice
I am so happy you have found us. Of course, I am not happy for the circumstances that have led you here. For that, I am truly sorry and can relate. Just over a month ago I left my alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years. I am adjusting and moving forward one step at a time. So can you!
When you put up your hands in surrender as you have you will find that there are hands reaching down to you to pull you up. Reaching out maybe new and uncomfortable at first as it was for me. I've been always independent to a fault and insistent on solving problems I face without help . I resist those who try to guide me regardless of their experiences, and yet here, I found comfort, hope, support, encouragement, and wisdom. There is so much useful information to take in and so much help offered it can be overwhelming, but this format gives you the chance to take it all in and mull it over with no reply required. It is all at your pace and as you feel open to it.
I understand your feeling on Al-Anon meetings. I have never attended a meeting myself for similar reasons to yours. I have found excellent guidance in reading the books suggested here.
I hope to hear more from you!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Welcome to SR!
I have one thing to add regarding meetings. For those of you who have never gone, the format of meetings is to repeat the twelve steps & twelve traditions plus other readings each week. Often the learning for me has had much more to do with hearing something new in those readings that had not occurred to me before. Also, even if I don't have anything to offer in a meeting, I learn a lot from what other people are going through.
Internet is great, its such a safe place to talk where our anonymity is secure. However, we need to have compassion for real life people too, and going to meetings is IMO irreplaceable. We need to connect with people and there is a lot of communication in not just words but in tone, expression and gesture, that we miss on the internet. I think that's an important part of recovery, especially for codies. Just my two cents.
I have one thing to add regarding meetings. For those of you who have never gone, the format of meetings is to repeat the twelve steps & twelve traditions plus other readings each week. Often the learning for me has had much more to do with hearing something new in those readings that had not occurred to me before. Also, even if I don't have anything to offer in a meeting, I learn a lot from what other people are going through.
Internet is great, its such a safe place to talk where our anonymity is secure. However, we need to have compassion for real life people too, and going to meetings is IMO irreplaceable. We need to connect with people and there is a lot of communication in not just words but in tone, expression and gesture, that we miss on the internet. I think that's an important part of recovery, especially for codies. Just my two cents.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. This is really hard for me. I think one of my main issues is that I love my boyfriend so much, and the good person that he is when hes sober, that I dont want to get over him. I keep trying to detach myself from the situation, and just enjoy my life, but I feel like I am constantly waiting for him to call me. We haven't talked in three days, and this was his decision. In the past it has almost always been me to decide not to talk to him when he drinks, and the couple of times he did start ignoring me completely in order to drink I would always end up calling him, and we would talk and eventually work things out. This time I just feel so hurt and abandoned that I am forcing myself to completely let go and not call him. I was wondering what you all think I should do if he does call me? It seems like many of the posts I have been reading are people who have ended their relationships. Is this something that is just never going to work? I really thought he was going to be sober "for good" this time. I just dont know whether to hold on or let go, or if I even can let go. Any advice would be appreciated, sorry if this was hard to understand, I had a hard time expressing my question.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by bebemay
I was wondering what you all think I should do if he does call me?
Actions speak louder than words. What do his actions tell you is going on?
Originally Posted by bebemay
It seems like many of the posts I have been reading are people who have ended their relationships. Is this something that is just never going to work? I really thought he was going to be sober "for good" this time. I just dont know whether to hold on or let go, or if I even can let go. Any advice would be appreciated, sorry if this was hard to understand, I had a hard time expressing my question.
If you cut off communication with him for a while, it gives you time to explore what you want going forward, what your own issues are and what you can do about it all without the madness that life with an active A is. You can give yourself the gift of time, peace and contemplation to figure it all out. Once you have a better grasp of what you wnat and need, you will be in a better position to figure out how or if you want him in your life.
Personally, I have decided I cannot be involved with an active A. Period. I just can't do it because it destroys my soul. I would have to think long and hard about being involved with a recovering A too. But if I were even to begin considering being involved with a recovery A, that person would have to have a long period of sobriety and recovery work under their belt before the question of involvement could even be raised. Your boyfriend hasn't even begun to seek recovery as I see it.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh bebe, I am so sorry. 
I am sad for you, and sad for me, for all the same reasons as yours. My Dad is alcoholic too and he is dying and I fear there is not much time left. I am so sad because my Dad is the nicest, sweetest, kindest person on planet Earth, I swear to you all. He LITERALLY would give you the shirt off his back. And Dad is just so smart and intelligent and caring and considerate. But not so much, huh? Cause he drinks and drinks and drinks and gets angrier and angrier. He has ruined his body and none of his kids come to visit him and his wife (my Mom) stays away from home as much as possible.
And in January my "boyfriend" who I loved so very much, who I thought one day would be sober for good so that we could be together, left me because he wanted to drink. And now he has a new "girlfriend." So I know exactly how you feel. and my heart is with you. We are like sisters, you know, living the same life with the same people, just in parallel.
So you keep coming here to SR and reading the posts here and all the conversations and you will start to hear YOURSELF in what everyone writes. And we will hear ourselves in YOU and we will thank you for being just who YOU are. and we will thank you for reminding us of just who WE are.
Your job right now is to keep crying, keep feeling all you can. To continue to breathe, take the best care of yourself as you possibly can, and reach out for help. If you have a friend who you trust get them to go with you to Al-Anon. Or, work up the courage to go.
When you do that which you are afraid of, you grow and you build confidence. I did it, you can too!
I am sad for you, and sad for me, for all the same reasons as yours. My Dad is alcoholic too and he is dying and I fear there is not much time left. I am so sad because my Dad is the nicest, sweetest, kindest person on planet Earth, I swear to you all. He LITERALLY would give you the shirt off his back. And Dad is just so smart and intelligent and caring and considerate. But not so much, huh? Cause he drinks and drinks and drinks and gets angrier and angrier. He has ruined his body and none of his kids come to visit him and his wife (my Mom) stays away from home as much as possible. And in January my "boyfriend" who I loved so very much, who I thought one day would be sober for good so that we could be together, left me because he wanted to drink. And now he has a new "girlfriend." So I know exactly how you feel. and my heart is with you. We are like sisters, you know, living the same life with the same people, just in parallel.
So you keep coming here to SR and reading the posts here and all the conversations and you will start to hear YOURSELF in what everyone writes. And we will hear ourselves in YOU and we will thank you for being just who YOU are. and we will thank you for reminding us of just who WE are.
Your job right now is to keep crying, keep feeling all you can. To continue to breathe, take the best care of yourself as you possibly can, and reach out for help. If you have a friend who you trust get them to go with you to Al-Anon. Or, work up the courage to go.
When you do that which you are afraid of, you grow and you build confidence. I did it, you can too!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Cambridge, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 9
Welcome! I am currently hoping and praying while my AH is in rehab that he will be sober for good. But sometimes, it doesn't happen. And when the relapse comes, you have to remember that the good and wonderful person you knew is still in there. Right now you are hating and being hurt by the addiction itself. Not the person you love. Its very hard to separate the two, but have strength in knowing that if he did it before, he can likely do it again and perhaps you will both be strong enough to work things out. Have faith, talk as much as you can. Find support and educate educate educate yourself. We are all here for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 10
great response
OLdDadBack - I love the statement
Right now you are hating and being hurt by the addiction itself. Not the person you love. Its very hard to separate the two
That says alot about my situation
Right now you are hating and being hurt by the addiction itself. Not the person you love. Its very hard to separate the two
That says alot about my situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
Thank you all so much for everything you have said. Im just sitting here crying reading this, trying to just be strong. I just feel so sad and angry. Everything youve said has been very helpful though, and it makes me feel so comforted to know there are other people in the same situation as myself, it seems like no one in my life understands mental illness at all (besides my family), and while they try to be understanding no one really gets how I feel about this situation with my boyfriend. Im glad I finally have people here who I feel like I can actually talk to.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 10
bebemay
I completely understand mental illness and alcoholism. It sucks but I am here for you.. this site is amazing... so much support. SO many similar stories and so much experience and advice...
Hang in there
Big hugs
I completely understand mental illness and alcoholism. It sucks but I am here for you.. this site is amazing... so much support. SO many similar stories and so much experience and advice...
Hang in there
Big hugs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
