Conflicted
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Conflicted
I used to post quite regularly, but I stopped for a while so I am going to recap my situation before I get to what's currently bugging me. My apologies to any of you reading for whom this info is redundant.
After being with STXAH for 9.5 years, I finally left him and filed for divorce in January. This was after continuous heavy drinking on his part. He did go into and out of hospitals (4 stays in all) beginning in Dec 2005, and had some stints of sobriety, the longest being 6 months in length, and did attend AA meetings sporadically, most regularly during Oct-Nov 2008, right before he relapsed again. When drinking, he was abusive both emotionally and occasionally physically. He was also unable to hold a job--he always felt any job he got was "beneath him" as he is a law school grad, but he failed the bar mainly due to his alcohol problem. So he would have a pattern of getting sober, getting a job, then starting to drink again when he felt the job was too much, or didn't pay enough, or whatever. I left and came back at least three times--by which I mean I would move to my parents house, threaten divorce, he would get sober, talk me into giving him a chance, I would, and the cycle would begin anew. My decision to actually file was spurred on by his most violent physical attack on me, one which left bruises on my face. If it sounds like I'm downplaying the physical violence somewhat, I probably am, but another bit of info I feel compelled to share is that I was not sober during any of our marriage, and in the last few months I have come to the realization that I too am an alcoholic and have been attending AA regularly. I contributed to the physical violence in our marriage, probably as much as STBXAH did, until the last two incidents, which I will say were more severe and more one-sided than any of our previous drunken spats.
After I moved out in January, he drank for about a week and then quit. He said at this time that he understood that I needed to get the divorce, that he would not fight me on it, but that he would want a shot at reconciliation with me in the future if he would stay sober, go to AA, and get and keep a job. I told him that I would not be disuaded from my decision to divorce, but that I could promise him I wouldn't date anyone else for a year IF he did all of the above, and that after a years time we could see about dating again. He stayed sober about a month, and then fell off the wagon again. He was on the booze again pretty heavily when an old boyfriend contacted me--the only man I'd ever loved other than the STBXAH, in fact. I met up with him for lunch, and we had a great time. He confessed he still had strong feelings for me. He knew all about my situation. I told him that I really felt I could only offer friendship, but that I also really wanted to kiss him, so maybe we could be "friends who kissed". We tried that for a while, and I continued to grow closer to him, and then STBXAH jumped back on the wagon.
When this happened again, I was upset at first because he was again pushing me to not date, and I didn't feel it was in anybody's best interest to tell him I already was. So I lived with feeling guilty for a while, and then he started drinking again a few weeks later. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that my core reaction to this development was sheer relief. Relief that I could continue to pursue this new relationship without feeling guilty. During another stint of not drinking, my STBXAH found out about the relationship from our 5-year-old daughter, who had met my new beau on a few occasions (but in a very casual, this is a friend of Mommy's way). He flipped out and proceeded to go on the drunk of his life a day later. This culminated in many teary phone calls from his sister, who knows the whole situation and felt he was near death. During this time, I would be the one counseling his sister on the phone that as hard as it was we both had to detach and let him do what he was going to do. Eventually, she ended up calling the police one morning because XAH had called her complaining about a head wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. The police came, took him to the hospital, and oh yeah, condemned our condo too, because of the deplorable condition it was in.
So that brings me into the last few months. During this time, he got out of the hospital, and got a new place nearer to his sister, which is about an hour from me (with my monetary help--even though our divorce is still not final, I went ahead and gave him his portion of the money earlier so he would have something to get started--actually, I gave it to his sister, and it's still under her control, as a safeguard against a future relapse and his creditors).
He also got a new job within two weeks, and has recently celebrated his 90-days sober birthday. And continued to stay employed in a job he doesn't like, which is the one part I still can't believe, as he never managed more than about a month at most of his previous jobs. Because he has stayed sober, and is near his sister, I have let him watch our daughter on pretty much the normal custody schedule--every other weekend, and about one day a week on the other weeks.
Since his hospital stay, I have: gone into counseling, and AA for my own alcoholism, and while I did have a relapse, today I am sober and have a sponsor with whom I meet regularly. I have started to make new friends in AA. And I have continued my new relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic himself, with 3 years of sobriety. AND...I have continued to listen to STBXAH try anything he can think of to get me to break up with my new guy and give him a chance again. In fact, he says he would be satisfied if I would just not date right now, but not get back with him either, but give him a chance to continue to prove himself to me and leave my heart open to dating him again "when we are both further along in recovery". He says I am the love of his life and he will never want to be with anyone but me. His newest tact is to tell me that if I ever move in with new guy or get engaged, he will want primary custody of our daughter because he "doesn't want her growing up thinking some other man is her father".
This stress is eating me alive. Even though I am proud of myself for the long strides I have made, I'm still very depressed that I don't FEEL better yet. In fact, the longer he stays sober, I almost feel worse, because I feel like my reason for not wanting to be with him is diminishing. I think what I want is to be free to pursue this new relationship, which feels healthy and nourishing in ways our marriage did not feel. But like many of you, I still have a strong attachment to XAH. Like almost all of you say too, (sing it with me if you know the words) there IS a side to him that is caring and loving, and I did definitely feel at one time that he was my soul mate, and it's not like all of that emotion has completely evaporated. Plus, we had a lot in common, and I hate to say it, but I tend to agree with his assessment that he "won't find someone like me again", because we were compatible in ways like intelligence and sense of humour that I know aren't easy to find. And now he's a 41-year old man who's lost a lot of his looks and works in a menial job. I know it will be rough for him to find someone else again, and that saddens me. Because frankly, what would make me happiest right now is if he found someone else that he felt like he could love. I feel like it would take so much...pressure off of me. I just feel very pressured. I feel like his future happiness is in my hands. And I AM proud of him for what he's done in the last few months. Although I also feel that he wouldn't have ever done it unless he truly felt like he HAD to, and I think he finally feels that way.
So then I think, oh screw it, maybe I should just give him chance #20 and go ahead and dump this perfectly nice, perfectly decent person who treats me well and who I have a lot of fun with and a lot of respect for, and just see if XAH can really turn it around for real this time. But first of all, he's not really "working the program", just attending some meetings here and there. He complains all the time about having nobody to talk to and being miserably lonely, and when I suggest that he try getting a sponsor or striking up some AA friendships he gets incensed and tells me that I don't understand that for him, the AA meetings are good for keeping him sober but that's it. And second of all, I don't even know how I would ever show my face around my long-suffering family and friends again if I did that, as they have seen me through all of this drama.
So then at other times I think, this is too much pressure all around. I'm going to tell the BOTH of them to not call me and just truly focus on me for a while. And I'll even think for a while that that's the healthiest decision of all, but then I'll go out with new guy for an evening and we'll have just the best time, and he'll be so understanding when I say that we have to take this super-slow, and he'll tell me things like, "If it's easier for you to take a break from all of this for a while, I love you enough to wait," and I'll think...why am I going to let XAH STILL steal my happiness? I'm doing nothing wrong by having a very slow-moving relationship with a decent man, and I deserve a fun night out at dinner and the movies with a man whose company I really enjoy.
I think I'm done venting. Sorry for the lengthy post. I've been trying to come to some definitive decision for a while now, and I've gotten frustrated when I feel like even if I follow my heart (which I think is leading me to new guy) my head is never going to let go of this guilt and pity I feel over XAH. Any and all advice, encouragement, strength, hope, etc. would be very, very much appreciated.
After being with STXAH for 9.5 years, I finally left him and filed for divorce in January. This was after continuous heavy drinking on his part. He did go into and out of hospitals (4 stays in all) beginning in Dec 2005, and had some stints of sobriety, the longest being 6 months in length, and did attend AA meetings sporadically, most regularly during Oct-Nov 2008, right before he relapsed again. When drinking, he was abusive both emotionally and occasionally physically. He was also unable to hold a job--he always felt any job he got was "beneath him" as he is a law school grad, but he failed the bar mainly due to his alcohol problem. So he would have a pattern of getting sober, getting a job, then starting to drink again when he felt the job was too much, or didn't pay enough, or whatever. I left and came back at least three times--by which I mean I would move to my parents house, threaten divorce, he would get sober, talk me into giving him a chance, I would, and the cycle would begin anew. My decision to actually file was spurred on by his most violent physical attack on me, one which left bruises on my face. If it sounds like I'm downplaying the physical violence somewhat, I probably am, but another bit of info I feel compelled to share is that I was not sober during any of our marriage, and in the last few months I have come to the realization that I too am an alcoholic and have been attending AA regularly. I contributed to the physical violence in our marriage, probably as much as STBXAH did, until the last two incidents, which I will say were more severe and more one-sided than any of our previous drunken spats.
After I moved out in January, he drank for about a week and then quit. He said at this time that he understood that I needed to get the divorce, that he would not fight me on it, but that he would want a shot at reconciliation with me in the future if he would stay sober, go to AA, and get and keep a job. I told him that I would not be disuaded from my decision to divorce, but that I could promise him I wouldn't date anyone else for a year IF he did all of the above, and that after a years time we could see about dating again. He stayed sober about a month, and then fell off the wagon again. He was on the booze again pretty heavily when an old boyfriend contacted me--the only man I'd ever loved other than the STBXAH, in fact. I met up with him for lunch, and we had a great time. He confessed he still had strong feelings for me. He knew all about my situation. I told him that I really felt I could only offer friendship, but that I also really wanted to kiss him, so maybe we could be "friends who kissed". We tried that for a while, and I continued to grow closer to him, and then STBXAH jumped back on the wagon.
When this happened again, I was upset at first because he was again pushing me to not date, and I didn't feel it was in anybody's best interest to tell him I already was. So I lived with feeling guilty for a while, and then he started drinking again a few weeks later. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that my core reaction to this development was sheer relief. Relief that I could continue to pursue this new relationship without feeling guilty. During another stint of not drinking, my STBXAH found out about the relationship from our 5-year-old daughter, who had met my new beau on a few occasions (but in a very casual, this is a friend of Mommy's way). He flipped out and proceeded to go on the drunk of his life a day later. This culminated in many teary phone calls from his sister, who knows the whole situation and felt he was near death. During this time, I would be the one counseling his sister on the phone that as hard as it was we both had to detach and let him do what he was going to do. Eventually, she ended up calling the police one morning because XAH had called her complaining about a head wound that wouldn't stop bleeding. The police came, took him to the hospital, and oh yeah, condemned our condo too, because of the deplorable condition it was in.
So that brings me into the last few months. During this time, he got out of the hospital, and got a new place nearer to his sister, which is about an hour from me (with my monetary help--even though our divorce is still not final, I went ahead and gave him his portion of the money earlier so he would have something to get started--actually, I gave it to his sister, and it's still under her control, as a safeguard against a future relapse and his creditors).
He also got a new job within two weeks, and has recently celebrated his 90-days sober birthday. And continued to stay employed in a job he doesn't like, which is the one part I still can't believe, as he never managed more than about a month at most of his previous jobs. Because he has stayed sober, and is near his sister, I have let him watch our daughter on pretty much the normal custody schedule--every other weekend, and about one day a week on the other weeks.
Since his hospital stay, I have: gone into counseling, and AA for my own alcoholism, and while I did have a relapse, today I am sober and have a sponsor with whom I meet regularly. I have started to make new friends in AA. And I have continued my new relationship. He is a recovering alcoholic himself, with 3 years of sobriety. AND...I have continued to listen to STBXAH try anything he can think of to get me to break up with my new guy and give him a chance again. In fact, he says he would be satisfied if I would just not date right now, but not get back with him either, but give him a chance to continue to prove himself to me and leave my heart open to dating him again "when we are both further along in recovery". He says I am the love of his life and he will never want to be with anyone but me. His newest tact is to tell me that if I ever move in with new guy or get engaged, he will want primary custody of our daughter because he "doesn't want her growing up thinking some other man is her father".
This stress is eating me alive. Even though I am proud of myself for the long strides I have made, I'm still very depressed that I don't FEEL better yet. In fact, the longer he stays sober, I almost feel worse, because I feel like my reason for not wanting to be with him is diminishing. I think what I want is to be free to pursue this new relationship, which feels healthy and nourishing in ways our marriage did not feel. But like many of you, I still have a strong attachment to XAH. Like almost all of you say too, (sing it with me if you know the words) there IS a side to him that is caring and loving, and I did definitely feel at one time that he was my soul mate, and it's not like all of that emotion has completely evaporated. Plus, we had a lot in common, and I hate to say it, but I tend to agree with his assessment that he "won't find someone like me again", because we were compatible in ways like intelligence and sense of humour that I know aren't easy to find. And now he's a 41-year old man who's lost a lot of his looks and works in a menial job. I know it will be rough for him to find someone else again, and that saddens me. Because frankly, what would make me happiest right now is if he found someone else that he felt like he could love. I feel like it would take so much...pressure off of me. I just feel very pressured. I feel like his future happiness is in my hands. And I AM proud of him for what he's done in the last few months. Although I also feel that he wouldn't have ever done it unless he truly felt like he HAD to, and I think he finally feels that way.
So then I think, oh screw it, maybe I should just give him chance #20 and go ahead and dump this perfectly nice, perfectly decent person who treats me well and who I have a lot of fun with and a lot of respect for, and just see if XAH can really turn it around for real this time. But first of all, he's not really "working the program", just attending some meetings here and there. He complains all the time about having nobody to talk to and being miserably lonely, and when I suggest that he try getting a sponsor or striking up some AA friendships he gets incensed and tells me that I don't understand that for him, the AA meetings are good for keeping him sober but that's it. And second of all, I don't even know how I would ever show my face around my long-suffering family and friends again if I did that, as they have seen me through all of this drama.
So then at other times I think, this is too much pressure all around. I'm going to tell the BOTH of them to not call me and just truly focus on me for a while. And I'll even think for a while that that's the healthiest decision of all, but then I'll go out with new guy for an evening and we'll have just the best time, and he'll be so understanding when I say that we have to take this super-slow, and he'll tell me things like, "If it's easier for you to take a break from all of this for a while, I love you enough to wait," and I'll think...why am I going to let XAH STILL steal my happiness? I'm doing nothing wrong by having a very slow-moving relationship with a decent man, and I deserve a fun night out at dinner and the movies with a man whose company I really enjoy.
I think I'm done venting. Sorry for the lengthy post. I've been trying to come to some definitive decision for a while now, and I've gotten frustrated when I feel like even if I follow my heart (which I think is leading me to new guy) my head is never going to let go of this guilt and pity I feel over XAH. Any and all advice, encouragement, strength, hope, etc. would be very, very much appreciated.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
If I was your AA sponsor (and over the years I have had several sponsees in just about the same boat as you) I would STRONGLY SUGGEST that you have no contact with the soon to be Ex except for conversations only about your child and I would STRONGLY SUGGEST that you have no contact with the 'new' boyfriend until and when YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR STEP WORK.
Then and only then will your head be clear enough, your goals clear and be able to make decisions for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Then and only then will your head be clear enough, your goals clear and be able to make decisions for you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((MamboQueen)))
Congratulations on your sobriety! I think that is awesome and I'm proud of you!
Reread your post. Look at how enmeshed you are in another person's life. A life you can't control. A life you can't cure. You don't have that much power. Your life, your control!
Congratulations on your sobriety! I think that is awesome and I'm proud of you!
Reread your post. Look at how enmeshed you are in another person's life. A life you can't control. A life you can't cure. You don't have that much power. Your life, your control!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
If I was your AA sponsor (and over the years I have had several sponsees in just about the same boat as you) I would STRONGLY SUGGEST that you have no contact with the soon to be Ex except for conversations only about your child and I would STRONGLY SUGGEST that you have no contact with the 'new' boyfriend until and when YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR STEP WORK.
Then and only then will your head be clear enough, your goals clear and be able to make decisions for you.
Then and only then will your head be clear enough, your goals clear and be able to make decisions for you.
My sponsor told me repeatedly I needed to focus on self and stay out of relationships. I didn't listen and drank again after 4 years after being in yet another relationship.
How important is your recovery to you? If it's not #1 on the list, the house of cards will eventually fall, guaranteed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Thanks everyone for your wise replies. Callie, I read your post on the other forum, and wow, yeah, I really relate. I hope our HP's grace us both with the ability to surrender!
I'm really trying to feel out for myself if I am strong enough or if I really even WANT to take a break from the boyfriend for the time being. Even though my post sounds like I have been wavering in my choice to leave XAH, the EX doesn't know that--I've told him nothing of the sort, only that I don't want to be married to him anymore and that he's just going to have to accept my decision. So I don't really feel I need to do anything different in my actions towards him, I just have to get to a place where I don't feel such conflict about my choices. And I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that I do need a break, and to just focus on me, at least for a little bit of time. I'm not going to tell new boyfriend that I never want to see or talk to him again until I'm 100% recovered, or until I've worked every step, or what have you. I'm just not. He's a good, decent man and I could really see myself being happy with him in the future. And I do understand that there is the "relationship rule" in AA, but I was in this relationship before I started AA, in fact he was a huge supporter and encourager of my joining AA, and I've met plenty of women in my program in a similar situation who have stayed sober and really grew in recovery, so I don't know that I truly believe there's no way I can get well unless I go no contact with him for a very long time. HOWEVER, I think I'm starting to respect the wisdom of letting him alone for a while and standing on my own for a while until I at least get out of this dark patch in the woods where I still feel so conflicted about XAH.
On a different note, just to show you where my mind sometimes takes me, here is something someone posted about that DJ AM who just died (and it looks like it may have been from an overdose--for those who don't know, he survived a plane crash last year, and had been sober for a very long time, and it looks like he may have had a fatal relapse).
"His suicide goes to show how much progress remains to be made in giving ex-addicts and PTSD patients the constant support and companionship they need."
Sometimes, when I read something like that, I feel guilty and start to think--SEE, XAH just needs me to be THERE for him--he's trying to fight so hard and I've just gone and LEFT him all ALONE. Which I know is such crap in my head, because A--it seems everytime I did go back to him, I made the problem worse, not better and B--if he wants companionship so badly I can guarantee he can find companions in AA, true companions who can really help him and relate to him. But still, even though my head knows this, I struggle with getting my heart to believe it.
Sorry for the rambling again. I think the writing is helping me work some of this stuff out in my own mind. Thanks again for listening and for the replies.
I'm really trying to feel out for myself if I am strong enough or if I really even WANT to take a break from the boyfriend for the time being. Even though my post sounds like I have been wavering in my choice to leave XAH, the EX doesn't know that--I've told him nothing of the sort, only that I don't want to be married to him anymore and that he's just going to have to accept my decision. So I don't really feel I need to do anything different in my actions towards him, I just have to get to a place where I don't feel such conflict about my choices. And I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that I do need a break, and to just focus on me, at least for a little bit of time. I'm not going to tell new boyfriend that I never want to see or talk to him again until I'm 100% recovered, or until I've worked every step, or what have you. I'm just not. He's a good, decent man and I could really see myself being happy with him in the future. And I do understand that there is the "relationship rule" in AA, but I was in this relationship before I started AA, in fact he was a huge supporter and encourager of my joining AA, and I've met plenty of women in my program in a similar situation who have stayed sober and really grew in recovery, so I don't know that I truly believe there's no way I can get well unless I go no contact with him for a very long time. HOWEVER, I think I'm starting to respect the wisdom of letting him alone for a while and standing on my own for a while until I at least get out of this dark patch in the woods where I still feel so conflicted about XAH.
On a different note, just to show you where my mind sometimes takes me, here is something someone posted about that DJ AM who just died (and it looks like it may have been from an overdose--for those who don't know, he survived a plane crash last year, and had been sober for a very long time, and it looks like he may have had a fatal relapse).
"His suicide goes to show how much progress remains to be made in giving ex-addicts and PTSD patients the constant support and companionship they need."
Sometimes, when I read something like that, I feel guilty and start to think--SEE, XAH just needs me to be THERE for him--he's trying to fight so hard and I've just gone and LEFT him all ALONE. Which I know is such crap in my head, because A--it seems everytime I did go back to him, I made the problem worse, not better and B--if he wants companionship so badly I can guarantee he can find companions in AA, true companions who can really help him and relate to him. But still, even though my head knows this, I struggle with getting my heart to believe it.
Sorry for the rambling again. I think the writing is helping me work some of this stuff out in my own mind. Thanks again for listening and for the replies.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Mambo - I read that about DJ AM. I often think of now Nichole Ritchie feels as they were together a long time. I could for sure see myself in your sitch in the future because H and I have been together more than 1/2 our lives. It's not just companionship, it's habit, it's what we know. I think for ME I would have to go NC as MUCH as possible. We have 2 kids and I know it would rip my heart out every time that I saw him @ a game or a school function and he was doing well. I'd wonder why I left so early or bailed. Even though I gave him everything that I had for a long time. I am starting to see that as my addiction.
Maybe it would help to start a journal and write down all of the bad memories/ things about him. Just as in my post where I talked about the frog in boiling h20. I feel like things happened so gradually over a period of time that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. If I step back and look at the big picture of our R I think WTH?? But if I look at the little things here and there things look blurry. He knows what I like on my hamburgers, he knows I don't like butter on my popcorn, knows how I like my back rubbed, what my favorite tv shows are etc. he knows so much about me, but yet has hurt me the most. He says I am the only one he'll ever love, yet I am in such pain and dispair @ his hands.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy to get sucked back in when you lose your perspective. Hope this makes sense.
Maybe it would help to start a journal and write down all of the bad memories/ things about him. Just as in my post where I talked about the frog in boiling h20. I feel like things happened so gradually over a period of time that I couldn't see the forest for the trees. If I step back and look at the big picture of our R I think WTH?? But if I look at the little things here and there things look blurry. He knows what I like on my hamburgers, he knows I don't like butter on my popcorn, knows how I like my back rubbed, what my favorite tv shows are etc. he knows so much about me, but yet has hurt me the most. He says I am the only one he'll ever love, yet I am in such pain and dispair @ his hands.
I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy to get sucked back in when you lose your perspective. Hope this makes sense.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Mambo I remember you and I am glad you are moving forward!
I agree, going No Contact with ex is a very healthy thing... if he has no friends its because how he has been like with people, if he wanted you so much why didn't he think about this long before hurting you? this is to say his life now is a consequence of his actions and decisions. If you go No Contact you are not leaving him alone but handing him to HP.
About the new person in your life, oh do I know how it feels. With the help of a therapist I was able to keep the relation but go much slower in terms of not thinking he is able to heal me, so I keep healing myself and continue my inner work.
I too thought, yeah right, a good person comes my way and ex in my head still prevents me from having a good time? If you got a counselor.. I'd advice you go
whoever is around you, you got to keep the steps going, the journaling, the counseling...... I learned it is my homework to keep healing. Regardless of anyone else being in your life romantically, the inner work needs to continue as anvilhead says.
All the best!
I agree, going No Contact with ex is a very healthy thing... if he has no friends its because how he has been like with people, if he wanted you so much why didn't he think about this long before hurting you? this is to say his life now is a consequence of his actions and decisions. If you go No Contact you are not leaving him alone but handing him to HP.
About the new person in your life, oh do I know how it feels. With the help of a therapist I was able to keep the relation but go much slower in terms of not thinking he is able to heal me, so I keep healing myself and continue my inner work.
I too thought, yeah right, a good person comes my way and ex in my head still prevents me from having a good time? If you got a counselor.. I'd advice you go
whoever is around you, you got to keep the steps going, the journaling, the counseling...... I learned it is my homework to keep healing. Regardless of anyone else being in your life romantically, the inner work needs to continue as anvilhead says.All the best!
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