Lucy06

An Update on my situation: married 11 years to AH who is also using pot.
Separated 2 years almost. AH entered some sort of rehab thing where he stayed 1 week, then outpatient treatment for another week. He has never stopped smoking pot thought. In June, I was hospitalised with a pneumonia and had to look after the 2 kids (aged 4 and 8) and started drinking again. He now says he stopped. We have just started MC to see whether there is a chance that we can get back together. For the 2 years we have been separated, he has lived in the house we bought together, and I had to move out with the kids. I have full custody but he sees the kids very regularly, although it is often at my urging, since he continues to see the situation as my fault only and anything he does with the kids is a "bonus" for me....
He is really pushing the reconcilation thing and I am not keen. However, if I tell him I want a divorce, he will seek 50/50 custody which I refuse, for the kids' sake. He will make my life utter hell, I know it.
So I have decided to lay down my rules and conditions for the reconcialiation: no pot use in the house, no pot deals with the dealer in our house, no pot use during the day when the kids are around, and if I suspect that he has been drinking, then I request an alcohol test. If the alcohol test is positive, then he has the choice between leaving our house for good (no more tries) or check himself into a serious rehab plan. And if any other rules are violated, then the same thing applies, i.e, he is the one who will leave the house, not me and the kids.
What do you think about that?

aboutdone

Sorry, I am having a hard time with the pot thing.

When I filed for divorce at the end of June, I suspected by now RAH, of drug use as well as knowing about the alcohol.

I placed supervised visitation at my house, and he had to take a UA in front of me that tested for 10 different drugs, as well as an alcohol saliva swab before he was allowed to see the baby. He showed up 1 time because he couldn't stay sober long enough any other day. I ended up letting him come visit, supervised after he got off work, because I knew for at least the last 8 hours he wasn't using/drinking.

I think you are worrying over the 50/50 thing way too much. If the children have lived with you for 2 years, and he has attended rehab, then there is documentation of his addiction. That weighs heavily in court. If he sees the children only at your urging, then again that weighs heavy in court.

Don't compromise your values for something you want, or don't want.

Don't put up with the crap because you are scared of custody issues. Visit with an attorney and lay it on the table. Most attorneys can give you a pretty good idea on how custody will go.

If you choose to do that, stop urging him to visit his children. Start looking out for you and the kids only. The more rope you give an addict the quicker they will hang themselves in situations such as this.

Be creative. Thoughtful.

As I said when I filed, I filed for SOLE CUSTODY of the newborn baby. I gave visitation every single day from 9am to noon, supervised at my home, with the ua/alcohol testing requirement. The judge signed it with no questions asked. You know why? Because I wasn't alienating him as a father. In fact I was giving him every opportunity to step up, be clean and sober and see his baby more than any visitation schedule allows. You know what he did? Showed up once.

I don't believe my RAH shouldn't have the right to be a parent. As I am sure you don't think that way either. However I do believe 100% I have the right to request my children are in a healthy clean sober environment at all times. Most courts see it that way as well.

I want my RAH to be a good dad. I want my daughter to know her dad. I don't even have a problem with changing custody to joint, with me as residential, as long as he doesn't have a problem with random testing, and random visits to make sure he is not subjecting our daughter to his addiction. There isn't a judge around that would disagree with that.

I can give you some websites, and also helpful info to build your case in regards to custody, if you choose to really not let him back in, and proceed with a divorce. As my lawyer just told me, the fact that my RAH went to rehab, is an admission of an addiction/substance abuse problem. It looks better on my side in custody, than it does his. If he hadn't of went to rehab the burden of proof was on me to prove he had a problem, and how it would affect our baby. Since he went, he proved it for me.

Hang in there. I feel for you.

Lucy06

Thanks a lot for your answers. It's given me lots of things to think about. The other problem with AH is that he is a narcissistic. And with this come a whole bunch of very twisted, sad, worrying behaviours, such as punishment in the most nasty way, when I do or say something he doesn't like. So you will understand why jumping in this whole final divorce/custody thing is truly scary to me. I know it has to be done but I am not sure I will have the guts and psychological strength to cope with whatever punishment he will carefully design for me. This is why I want a councellor involved. When he mentioned few months ago that he wanted a divorce, and he then said he wanted 50/50 custody of the kids, I said that I would not discuss any custody issue with him only but I would seek professional councelling on this matter. He didn't mention this again afterwards.... On the outside, he appears like a smart, successful, charismatic, mature person and I am afraid he could fool a judge. I am afraid of lots of things. I am in a very bad place right now.....

laurie6781

Lucy, please talk with an attorney which will alleviate some of your fears.

Counseling for you and the children would be good also. Your attorney will b able to present his 'rehab' history to the court. You also need to keep a log of when, for how long, (and if you had to promote the visit) of any visits he makes with the children. Also in that log should be any and all bizarrre behavior that you witness.

This log long with other evidence, your attoney will present to the court at the appropriate time.

You did ask what we thought of your 'reconciliation plan' and to be honest I don't think you should. He's still drinking. He's still smoking pot. Nothing has changed.

I M H O this would NOT be a good move for you and the children.

Please get some coundeling for you. Get some for the children also as that counselors report can be used in Court as to what is 'best' for the children.

Please keep positing and let us know how you and the children are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Pelican

You don't have to decide between divorce and reconcilliation before 3:00 p.m. today, do you?

Why not leave things the way they are, and continue the MC? See if you both are willing to make the necessary changes for reconciliation. I would mention his extreme behavior to your MC and express how this makes you feel frightened and controlled. The counsellor may have suggestions for you both.

I agree that consulting an attorney is a good idea. I also recommend consulting more than one attorney. Find one that has knowledge of addiction and can set up custody/visitation based on past behaviors of the addict. An attorney could also set up legal seperation guidelines so that your addict can't punish you financially while seperated.