Iwanttoheal

Yesterday I took two steps to loosen the control that my codependent mother tries to exert over me.

She has been away on holiday and I have been looking after her cat. For years I had to look after her dog when she went on holiday until the day about ten years ago when I said no more.

Well last month, she caught me unawares by asking my teenage daughter if she would look after her cat and she would pay her. Of course my teenager said yes.

Now the manipulating bit. My mother knew that 1. my daughter has a holiday job and 2. she had no practical means of getting to her house to look after the cat. Who would have to look after the cat - me.

I was caught completely off guard and I could not say no. Now I have chosen not to beat myself up about being weak. I think (ironically), well you didn't see that one coming and you have been well and truly out-manouvered.

I have been trapped into going back into my childhood home on a daily basis (I have been to my mother's house maybe twice in the last three years) and I was powerless to resist. (This has been the catalyst that has sent me here, in fact.)

Now there is no way in God's earth that I was going to allow my daughter to set foot in that house. So for the last week I have gone to feed the cat and change it's litter. The abuse continues, I am back to the little girl who had to live and sleep in the house that rats could get into. The house is cluttered; it is filthy, hasn't been cleaned in years; the stench makes me gag; the cat's food bowls are on the kitchen table; the house is full of expensive cr*p, a visible reminder of money wasted that could have been spent on me.

Well the abuse stops now, one small step at a time.

My mother had given me a key for her house that she had had cut especially for me. (I had given my last key to her house to my brother three years ago). Well after my final visit yesterday to feed the cat, I posted the key back through the front door. I DON'T WANT A KEY TO HER HOUSE.

The second step that I took was to take back two dvds that I had lent her. They are part of a long-running tv series and give her an excuse to maintain contact. When she has finished watching them, she asks for the next two in the series. It sounds so pathetic as I type it but I DON'T WANT TO GIVE HER ANYTHING THAT GIVES HER AN EXCUSE TO CONTACT ME. I DON'T WANT TO BE CONTROLLED ANYMORE.

Ye Gods - the emotions that are running through me are something else.

So I have sent out two very powerful signals and I am waiting for the phone call. I have written down my response, I can't talk now, I've got to go (put phone down).

I have resisted the urge to phone my brother to tell him what I'm doing. That took me unawares as it has been a very strong urge, weird.

My thoughts at the moment - when she phones, will I have the courage to carry through. Maybe she won't phone, maybe she will sense that for the first time I am making CONSCIOUS changes to our relationship.

I will let you know how I get on.

By the way, I'd welcome any thoughts or comments. Do you have any similar stories, how did you get on, what were the outcomes?

Thanks for reading xxx

dothi

When I'm caught off-guard, my default answer is NO. Why? Because I'm caught off-guard and need more time/info to make an informed decision. That's it. This took a LOT of practice with my family before I consistently got it right, but it can be done. You don't have to commit to an answer ('yes') that you made when cornered.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal

My mother had given me a key for her house that she had had cut especially for me. (I had given my last key to her house to my brother three years ago). Well after my final visit yesterday to feed the cat, I posted the key back through the front door. I DON'T WANT A KEY TO HER HOUSE.

So what are you going to do the next time she tries to give you the key?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal

I have resisted the urge to phone my brother to tell him what I'm doing. That took me unawares as it has been a very strong urge, weird.

It's the cycle of drama. Calling up your brother would enforce the drama. For codependent people in unhealthy relationships, engaging in this drama is like an addiction. I go through similar withdrawal by not b*tching about my parents when I talk to my siblings. What's really the point, especially when we've all heard it all before?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iwanttoheal

Maybe she won't phone, maybe she will sense that for the first time I am making CONSCIOUS changes to our relationship.

Or maybe she will see you trying to break out of your role, and escalate her behavior. It would so much easier if she could agree with her, but given her track record, do you really think that's going to happen? How have you prepared yourself for when she doesn't do what you're hoping?

I recognize that these are major changes for you, but believe me when I say it may not be enough. People who are abusive and do not recognize how their abuse is hurting their loved ones are unlikely to recognize you trying to distance yourself and get healthy. What they will recognize is that you are no longer behaving as they expect you to, and will often step-up their manipulative behavior to suck you back in (it will seem "easier" just to go along rather than fight back anymore).

IMO you need to work on boundaries so that you don't feel so threatened or disarmed when you have to engage with your mom (especially when she gets home, sees the key, and thinks she'll call her daughter up to find out what's going on). She's going to know that you don't want to confront her - do you think she's going to respect that? You may also need to work on communicating with her instead of 'being trapped' (sorry, but it was still your choice to take responsibility for your daughter's decision). Does your daughter even know that she can say no to grandma? What has she learned by watching you?

Yeah, I realize this feedback is probably not as positive as you deserve at the moment. Given my own experiences with manipulative family members, it's hard not to caution caution CAUTION. Unhealthy relationships don't tend to go down this easily... unfortunately.

Iwanttoheal

Your feedback is good dothi. Caution is good.

Yes I went oooh, ouch and ouch but I can live with it and yes, although I felt trapped, I am aware it was still my choice to take on the responsibility.

This is part of where I am at this moment in time. Why did I feel trapped? Why did I take on that responsibility? What do I get out of it by taking this course of action. I thought that I had moved past this.

Yes I do need boundaries, I am incredibly threatened by my Mum, I am threatened by the escalation that I know is going to happen and I haven't the faintest clue about how to go about setting boundaries. I am threatened and scared by my own thought processes at the moment - I have reached the point where I do not want anything more to do with my Mum and my brother, I'm better off without them. H*ll I wished my mother dead yesterday so that I don't have to do it anymore.

Iwanttoheal

This is soooooo difficult,

Well my codie mother phoned. For the first time in my life I actively, knowingly walked away - I cut the phone call and put the phone down.

First step in getting off the rollercoaster.

I have made my first step in saying yes to looking after myself.

Aja06

I don't have advice, I'm trying to learn these things too, but I really liked this statement. That's the main issue I was having that brought me to these forums; I was venting to all of my support people so much that I was afraid they'd begin to think *I* was crazy. I guess I don't need to vent - I'm smart enough to know that the behavior I'm being treated to is not normal - I don't need reassurance on that point So why keep the drama cycle going?

Thanks for that, and good luck to the original poster. I like the advice you've been given and I like your proactive attitude.

bjork

Thanks for posting this IWTH! And thanks for alll the advice about boundaries. I can relate to this scenario in several ways.

worthyoflove

In my experience, it gets worse before it gets better. Also, the more I change the subject to the weather when she starts her dysfunctional behavior, the more she withdraws. Every once in a while I will receive a nasty message. I don't have to return the message. I can delete it, as soon as I hear her tone is nasty. I usually get a stern message, followed by a nastier message, followed by a threat, then followed by a crying message. My sponsor said to just think of her as a child having a temper tantrum. It's very weird to experience what happens as you get healthier. It's a very smart thing to do to make sure you don't have anything of hers, so she has less ammunition. The more you take away her ammunition the sicker she will become. By detaching, having boundaries, etc you will be disarming her of her weapons. Good luck. It is not easy, but gets easier with time.

My former friend was just like my mother. She even sent her friend over to where I live to just happen to bump into me while she was walking her dog. The bait started and I didn't take it. She sent me an invitation to a party and I just hit the delete key. I'm sure there will be something coming around the corner soon. I never realized how poorly she treated me until I ran into someone we spent time with. He said he was sorry that she treated me so poorly. My jaw hit the floor because I never knew it was so obvious to others.

What has helped me the most was to place myself in an observer position. I just wanted to see what behavior would happen and just say to myself....hmmm....that is interesting. It helped with detaching and not being pulled in emotionally. God love ya. It ain't easy! But, we can come here and laugh about it, so it makes it easier to handle cause you're not the only one. We could start a thread on the crazy calls from codie moms.

Iwanttoheal

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I thought I'd share a little more of my journey and what I have learnt so far.

After my lightbulb moment where I finally let it in that I had been abused, I had a powerful kneejerk reaction that I had had enough and no longer wanted anything to do with my codie mother and brother.

This powerful reaction gave me the strength for the first time in my life to set conscious boundaries and I cut a phonecall with my mother.

Well as predicted, the craziness escalated. What has been a revelation to me though has been my OWN reaction. I had decided that I wanted NO contact. Then the compulsion to contact my mother grew and grew and grew. I fought it and fought it and fought it and finally gave in and phoned her.

So I decided not to beat myself up over it and chose not to feel useless and pathetic. I decided to see what I had learnt. Now I have been fortunate enough not to become chemically (physically) addicted to alcohol or any other substance. So it has been an eye-opener to realise that I was experiencing emotional or psychological addiction to my mother. What I experienced was a withdrawal so powerful I could not fight it. The urge to resume the familiar balance in the relationship was more powerful than anything I have experienced before - I am still awed by its power.

So I have learnt respect. Respect for the power of addiction. I have learnt that the step I tried to make was too big. To succeed at this I need to attempt a smaller, more manageable step. I previously accepted that in my family of origin, my role was hero and caretaker. In addition, I have now accepted that I am also a co-dependent, addicted to my family of origin. I accept that our relationship is unhealthy but now respect the power of that unhealthy relationship. I still want to heal and I can add to that, I want to be healthy as well.

The phonecall was not a complete loss, I made two very important steps. My mother asked to meet me for dinner, I said no. She also put me down. I actively challenged this rather than reacting agressively or defensively. Two more firsts and I feel proud of myself.

I am spending time working on myself. Again, this is a first. Although I have been in counselling before, I have needed to be told what to do. This time is different, I am finding my own way and it feels good.

GiveLove

What fantastic steps you are taking, iwanttoheal!!!!! Very courageous steps indeed -- yes, I'm using that word courageous again Because it is true.

This is very hard work you're doing, and I hope you're taking good care of your body and spirit so they can both continue to support you as you work through these steps.

Big hugs, support, and admiration for you. I remember too well how this all felt, and I can only say this: you won't feel like this forever. It DOES get easier with practice.