TrainWreckAgain

I have shared with this group many of my struggles… and wanted to share this challenge with the group.

In the past 48 hours, I have found myself almost drowning in anger at my xAGF. If I were to list out what I am angry about… it would be this:

1. She is willing to “throw her kids under the bus” in order to make herself feel better.
2. She is increasingly bad-mouthing me, not only to me, but to all of our mutual friends.
3. She continues to believe and say to me that someone her decision to cheat on my on multiple occasions is in part my fault.
4. Over the years that we were together, she took advantage of me in too many ways to imagine.

Before people jump on me… yes, I am trying to work on my side of the street. But I am trying to get a grip on how you balance “reasonable expectations” of people with “unreasonable expectations.”

I also recognize that I allowed much of this to continue…. But here is where I get stuck….

• I have an expectation that if my GF tells me that she agrees that we are in a committed monogamous relationship, and that we will not date or have sexual relationships with anyone else… that she is going to live up to that commitment.

• I have an expectation that if finances are co-mingled, that both people will spend the money in a responsible manner. Taking thousands of dollars out of a long term money market savings account, and then hiding the receipts, and using the money to buy drugs, doesn’t meet that expectation. And I am REALLY angry that the money that was set aside for her children’s college education is gone.

I don’t believe these are unrealistic expectations AT ALL. Yes, I have to figure out why I picked her in the first place. Yes, I have to figure out why I allowed this behavior to continue after I learned of it.

But I have been lied to, manipulated, cheated on, and just in general used. And I am really ANGRY.

I am really struggling to understand why I have to “find my part” in the initial decisions to lie, cheat and steal.

Again, I am not looking for a “work the program” answer. I am looking to understand the logic implicit in the program.

Still Waters

You have every right to be angry, I would be angry too. I AM angry at my AH for the abuse.

As I see it, your part in all this is if you disregarded the warning signs, ignored the red flags and allowed her to treat you in this manner. Because alcoholics/addicts are not trustworthy - you cannot trust them to tell the truth and you cannot trust them to put your needs/feelings before theirs.

Many here had no signs, married young etc...but many either ignored the signs or thought they would be the "one" to fix their sick partner.

swert

You're not going to find or understand "the logic" because there is no logic. It's not rational and reasonable either. The balance is possible only in the healthy relationship.
"Yes, I have to figure out why I picked her in the first place. Yes, I have to figure out why I allowed this behavior to continue after I learned of it".
Why do you need to figure it out? Is it going to help you with anything? You just did it and it's in the past. How can you change the past?
It is OK to feel angry. I felt angry all the time for the last Idon'tknowhowmanymonths. First major question of my anger is: "WHY ME?"
Try to get to know your anger, embrace it, make friends with it. After that try maybe to take it and use it for something constructive. I take my anger and do things around the house, like cleaning the stove ;-))))))

Seren

You have every right to be angry. I'm sure I would be angry too. You are not responsible for the fact that she lied, cheated, stole money, jeapordized her children's futures....reasons for that are not what you need to learn. You need to learn why you continued to live with being treated in a way you did not deserve for so long. She has not treated you with respect, love, honor in any way. Why did you feel it was so necessary to continue to stay? Sometimes we just keep hoping (a fantasy) that the person we used to know or the potential that person has "if they would just stop drinking/drugging". That is not the reality of the current situation. The hardest part now is how to accept that reality and work toward a brighter, happier future for yourself.

Sending you lots of encouragement, prayers and hugs. HG

TakingCharge999

I suggest physical exercise. After having my stomach resent all the anger I am just starting to get to some classes and it really helps to get it out of your system. I wish I had done it sooner.

I would be angry too, the thing here is that you did not know alcoholics behave that way, right now its easy to see it, but then you did not even label the person you were with as an alcoholic or knew what you know now about alcoholism.

It was not out job to prevent how people would behave, you did not got the info and strength and clarity you got know. Give yourself some credit for getting out an unhealthy relationship.

Journal and burn the papers, that helps me a lot when I see ex wandering around as if nothing happened with his big smile. I write everything I think and would like for him to happen and go through....

Pelican

They became unrealistic expectations when YOU placed them on an addict. They would not be unrealistic expectations of a normie (non-addict).

____________(insert drug of choice) is the first love of any addict. Your addict was unfaithful to you the first time she picked up.

Welcome to the program. We have all been lied to, cheated on, and used as enablers and providers. We do not suffer from a terminal case of uniqueness.

GiveLove

TrainWreck,

When you first arrived here, I remember you even having trouble voicing your anger. You were closed off, deadened to an extent.

Congratulations on feeling your feelings. Welcome, and hugs

It hurts like hell, but it's part of the healing. It also infuses you with energy - that angry-energy - which you can channel into a number of directions. Running as fast as you can away from this woman, or saving the boy she's tried to ruin, or becoming a marathon runner, or taking up kickboxing. Fury has propelled me out of many bad situations in my past. Into a few, too, sure - but mostly out.

I don't mind anger. It's the festering, stagnant anger that isn't channeled properly that sears you inside.

What would you like to do with it?