HanahGoodness

Even after going to therapy, telling his kids that his drinking is over, he still hides a bottle tonight that my 17 year old finds. I'm so over that he disappoints me...that part doesn't even matter any more. What I can't understand is how he can disappoint his son. Doesn't he get it that these years will never come back?

What kind of father does this to his kids? I've found my detachment and am somewhat "safe" in it. But I know it has to be hard for my son.

blessed4x

I have a 17 year old son too. He has seen his dad twice since he moved out in May. He has told me he doesn't have much respect for him. We talk at length about the disease of alcoholism. I would hope that he will not repeat the patterns of his dad, but the truth of the matter is I can't control that either. My Alanon chapter is starting an Alateen group and I'm asking my 2 teenagers to give it a try. Maybe you have a group in your area? If not, I think 17 is old enough for Alanon, but others may have an opinion on that.

I think the most important thing with kids of any age is being able to have open, honest communication.

Pelican

The answer to your questions:
Why can he disappoint his son? He is an alcoholic, that's what they do.
Doesn't he get it? No! He is addicted to alcohol, it is his Messiah. His world revolves around it and he dreams of his next encounter with his savior.
What kind of father does this? Just about every alcoholic father, but that doesn't mean it is acceptable!

You think you are safe living in detachment with alcoholism, but you just got your wakeup call about how this is effecting your children.

Expecting responsible behavior from an alcoholic is like going to the hardware store for fresh baked bread. You come up empty handed. You have detached and no longer go to the hardware store for fresh baked bread. Who will teach your children that?

My son just recently turned 17. I took him and his 13 year old sister to an open Al Anon meeting when I seperated from my AH earlier this year. They also get involved in discussions with me about what I am learning at my Al Anon meetings. They are aware of Al ateen online and can go to local meetings if they choose too.

HanahGoodness

We are going to spend the weekend with my sister (an already planned trip). But I am looking forward to being away with my kids without my AH and having some time to talk about this in the car! Thank you for your thoughts Pelican and blessed4x.

Pelican

That sounds wonderful!

I hope you have a safe journey and enjoy your time together!:ghug3

brundle

It's always driven me crazy what all this does to the kids. I think an Al-Anon motto should be: If you have an alcoholic in your life expect to be disappointed.

QuietAndSmall

I'm a 17-year old daughter of an alcoholic (mother). My mom just recently relapsed, though she has been to rehab twice, has had a fair share of DUIs, has had a breathlyzer installed in her car, and has lied to my face countless times. It sucks, but we deal in our own way. I've been to Alanon and Alateen before (personally, I like Alanon better because around here the age group for Alateen seems to be 12-15) and though much of it's helpful, I wouldn't say it's life-changing or anything, JMHO. I'm sure for many others it is.

I can't say I trust my mom, I can't say I respect her all the time, but I still love her. Her alcoholism has affected me and changed me but it's not always in the worst ways. It's certainly contributed to a great amount of fear and my distrusting, quiet personality, however it has made me into a stronger person overall. I'll be alright and so will your son.

Every alcoholic disappoints and they'll continue to whether they see they're hurting their family or not. They need to reach their bottom and figure it out for themselves. If they're going to get sober, they need to do it for themselves.

ItsmeAlice

What a great post of experience and support, QuietAndSmall!

I just wanted to thank you for posting your reply!!

It means so much for parents to hear from someone your age embracing a healthy recovery despite a parent's active addiction. I'm not a parent myself but I see such value in the experience, support, and hope you bring to this group.

Alice

HanahGoodness

Thank you QuietAndSmall! I'm going to give your response for my son to read. He seems to be the one of my 4 kids that I worry about with his father these days. I appreciate your honesty.

Janitw

Hello quiet ....welcome here that was a great post from you....like you my kids were always disappointed when it came to their dad and today 4 years after he abandoned us they have nothing at all to do with him....its all sooo sad and not likely to change either.

stay strong.

TakingCharge999

Great post, quite and small! Its very enlightening to have the view of the "other side". Stay strong Hanah!

whyamistaying

I don't understand it either.