Startingover2

My eaxh has been super nice lately. Wanting to chat with me, asking how we are, interested in life. He did come to me earlier in the week about an issue he had with his d14 and wanted my advice.
So Saturday he comes for his regular visit. Was ok. Still chatty and friendly. He asks what we are doing later and I said we had some plans but wasn't sure...he asked if he could come back later and we can take baby swimming and have dinner. WTF! A Saturday? Those are his prime drinking days.

I looked at him like he was crazy. I was put on the spot and didn't know what to say so all I said was is 'we will see'.

He has a new gf! I am sure she wouldn't be too happy with him doing this. I know its all about baby and/or looking like a good dad and not about me or us...

Just very strange. We are not a family! He chose different. You can't play family when it suits you.

Lesson: Never, ever trust a lying, cheating, jerk who has proven over and over he will never change.

I went about my day and thought it would be ok for exah to come over later to swim with baby. So, he finally sends a text asking how she was..blah, blah. Finally I ask if he is coming over to swim and have dinner? He says no, stepdaughter is being dropped off there directly from being with friends and that maybe Sunday he could come. I say OK...but knew something was fishy. So I drove by his house...yep...gf was there! Then find out a bit later that stepdaughter was with her mother!

Such a liar! I am not going to do this again!

UGGH...when will I ever learn?

I want to say something so bad, but it won't do any good. I guess its just a good reality check for me.

I just posted a week or so ago how far I thought I had come. Guess not. It takes some self analyzing for me wondering if I am mad that I was nice and wanted him to see baby more or mad that he lied and was put off by the new gf? Just when I thought what he does didn't affect me! Darn! For the most part it doesnt, but there are times it slips in and gets me. Its probably best I stick with the parenting plan and keep my boundaries to the letter.

So disappointed in myself!

tallulah

You're checking. You're allowing him to have an effect. If I'm honest, imo, it wasn't about him being a good Dad or letting his child down... it's about you and him.

It's just a step back... but you know that if you don't learn the lesson, life has a habit of making you repeat it until you do.

Don't spend time beating yourself up.. take that energy and concentrate it into moving one foot in front of the other.. and forward.

:ghug2

lovtolaff

Make this your mantra.

And give yourself a break - think about how it made you feel and feel it and move on. Don't be so hard on yourself....I think we all have "hope" in us and it sounds like that is what you were doing....hoping that things could be different.

He has proven AGAIN that they can not be....be gentle to yourself and chalk this one up to "lesson learned.....NEXT".

Big hugs.

TakingCharge999

Reopening of wounds suck, just when you think you've made it BAM another event that is mockinlgy saying.. "yeahhhhh? really???? THIS doesn't affect you anymore????"

Don't be so hard on yourself, its pretty tough what you have lived through - if they were wolves in and out it would all be much easier!! Now be happy you are not around someone like that.

We tend to believe they are NOW nice but with other people. Nay. They are the same way. Or worse. Hopefully WE will get the courage to change ourselves...

Chrysalis123

It seems you found your own answer. You have come so far and recognized his BS almost immediately. To me that is recovery in action!

Startingover2

Thanks all once again for your support and not beating me up!

It truly is BS...a game of manipulation. I went underground yesterday and didn't buy into his crap. Today he is asking me if I am in a hot or cold mood today. I guess he thinks if I am not gushing over him and overly friendly I am in a bad mood and my life sucks. I want to say..."just the opposite jerk" I am in a great mood because you are not around!

tallulah

Push you, pull you.

Just don't engage. Play the tape to the end before you even think about it. Keep the contact to 'have to' rather than 'want to'. He'll probably buck against that... but he will eventually get the message... you're not there to be toyed with anymore.

*hugs*

Pelican

Okay, I'll give you this one for free. It was passed on to me by another mother.

If your request puts me on the spot in front of others, the answer is an automatic "No".

I have raised my children by that rule. It also applies to ex's, inlaws, co-workers......

It has helped me not look like the bad guy in front of my children. It also allows me time to think through a situation when dealing with others. I can change my 'no' into a 'yes' later if I am willing.

worthyoflove

Revolving your life around what they are going to do or not do is like banging your head against the wall. Been there, done that enough times to receive a closet full of trophys for first place. I could kick myself now for being so stupid thinking things like, "Aww...he didn't mean it. He's just going through a tough time right now. He's confused." Not once did I ever think, What's good for me and my child?, What is really going to bring happiness and joy in my life? , What do I need to do today? I have sat and waited for hours for him to show up. I thought I must have been the most unloveable person on the planet. I must have been so repulsive for him not to show up. It had nothing to do with me. If someone is hours late, I'm gone. See ya. If someone lies, like he did, see ya. If someone manipulates me, see ya. You got junk you want to throw my way? See ya. Sorry doesn't cut it anymore. Like strip clubs? See ya. Want to terrorize me? See ya. Want to tell me I'm stupid? See ya. I'm done!!!!!!!!!

Never mind what he's doing. What do you want to do for you? What's going to work in your schedule? Got your meditation time scheduled? Got your meetings scheduled? Workout scheduled? Time with friends scheduled? Bubble bath time scheduled? It's about what's good for you now. Took me a long time to figure this one out.