tjp613

Here's our story: My son started using alocohol and marijuana at 16 (he's just turned 19) but this did not come to light until I found suicide notes in his bedroom. We immediately sent him for counseling and got involved with the non-profit Palmer Drug Abuse Program (12 step for teens). His grades in school were averaging low-C's. During that junior year he also ran thru a battery of counseling and testing and was eventually diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline ADHD. He was put on meds and did extremely well thru his senior year -- even made honor roll for the first time. He was also working 20+ hours a week at a pet store. We felt he needed to stay close to home and his psychiatrist during his freshman year of college so he attended a community college. This is the year things fell apart. He is sweet and a master manipulator and liar (surprise!) and I'm a big putz, apparently. During that 1st year of college he had 2 wrecks in his new Civic that I bought him as a graduation gift (STUPID!!), flunked just about all his classes (but managed to hide his grades from us 'til the last minute), lost his job, and became very defiant. I found drug paraphenalia in his room several times - coke or meth (not sure), stolen Rx's for pain meds, and lots of signs of heavy marijuana use.

After his 2nd wreck (May '09) I had had enough. I told him I was selling the car and he would have to figure out how to get another one. He threw every manipulation he could think of at me to get his life back on HIS TERMS but i didn't buy into it. Even went so far as to allow him to be "homeless" for a few days -- which really meant he stayed at a friends' house. He had no money, no car, no job. He got a pretty good taste of how hard it might be to start from nothing. it was a good lesson.

He had come down to 2 choices: homelessness or rehab. He chose rehab. We are fortunate to have one of the best in the country here in our state and i was covered by my insurance and so off he went for 6 weeks. He did extremely well by all accounts and is now back at home. He's going to meetings, but probably not as often as he reports (but maybe that's my lack of trust?), he's taking his meds and seeing his doctors, he's abiding by the house rules and looking for a job, but not as diligently as he should be considering this economy. His dad gave him his old Suburban that has 140K miles on it and needs new tires. it costs $60/week to gas it up. i told him i'd pay for the insurance for 2 months then he's on his own.

He's been told that we will support his sobriety and his education, but if he chooses not to go back to school, then he is on his own. I have encouraged him to seek an associates degree or some other job training program.

I am attending al-anon, reading here, and in RL. I feel like I'm in a good place mentally, but as the time nears for school to begin I'm starting to get confused as to what extent i should support him financially. What is reasonable? Because he is bi=polar he is more susceptible to the effects of stress than your avg. person/addict. l am worried that if he is responsible for his car repairs, gas, insurance, and spending money that i will be too much of a financial burden ($600/month+) -- lF he could find a job he'd have to work a lot of hours to make that kind of money and I'm concerned that will not leave enough time for school, meetings and therapy.

in the past his priorities have been: Girlfriend/relaxing, sleep, job and school is at the way bottom of the list (hence the flunking out!). Now his priorities seem to be: Girlfriend/relaxing, sleep, meetings, job and thinking about school.

He says he has a sponsor, but don't see much evidence of step work -- but how do l know?

Help! What's reasonable expectations for him? How much financial support should i provide? What boundaries/rules are reasonable? Maybe l should make an appt with his psychologist.

School starts in 3 weeks and l'm getting nervous -- losing confidence in my ability to know what's right and what's wrong.

Any advice, sh&e would be appreciated. Thank you in advance for taking the time out of your own life to help another. Bless you.

imallright

Hi... don't have much to say, since my A is my STBXH... not my son, but I will add that I have an 18 year old son who has about the same priorities. I think part of that is a kid thing. Not sure if it's because me as super codie did way too much coddling and taking care of things for him or it's just the way they are at this age. I am sure it is more difficult to push given your circumstances... that being said, I know for me, I satring to let him "fall" a bit and putting the cushion under is **s less and less. He's off to school in about 4 weeks too and man... he's got alot of getting it together to do between now and then! Others will be along with ESH and hope soon. Hang in. Your son is fortunate to have a Mom who loves him and cares so much. All the best.

teke

hi, my hubby is my addict but i do have kids and have had a lot of issues trying to figure out what is too much help. you're a good mom, so i would ask, what do you think is best for you to do for you? set bounderies that you are comfortable with and one that you can follow through with. don't have much else to suggest. keeping you and yours in my prayers

dorton

Wow, we could just about write each others stories. The biggest difference is my son hasn't been diagnoised as bi-polar. My son is living at home and pretty much doing nothing but waiting. He has enlisted in the National Guard and will leave for basic training Oct. 19th. He does not have a car and I took him off our insurance becuase if he wrecks then I don't want someone coming after everything I own. I really don't have any words of advise but just wanted to let you know others are in the same boat.

Spiritual Seeker

Best if luck.
Recovery must be his priority.
I would have him demonstrate this for a per. of time before putting in any money.
He can work part time and go to commun. college part time paying fees and books if he is serious and fit in reg. AA mtgs. without you having to do anything.
Remember, "we ought not do for them what they can do for themselves."

Freedom1990

There is sober living for 'adults' that allows them a structured environment. Is that a possiblity for him?

As for the bipolar part, I worked a temp job last year at a counseling center. The youngest counselor there was bipolar. She counseled teenagers mostly. She was in recovery from addictions herself, a single parent, and also doing college full-time online in addition to working full-time. Granted that is a heavy load and not one I'd care to have, but it is possible to have a full life being bipolar.

I think our first instincts as parents are to 'protect' our children, yet at some point they need to have their wings, or we get in the way.

greeteachday

Based on his priorities, it sounds to me as if perhaps you want college for him, but perhaps right now he doesn't want it for him? I say that because I have thrown a pretty good amount of money out on college for my daughter because I wanted it for her. She wasn't ready. I finally wised up, but it took me awhile. When my daughter was ready, she found it on her own, paid on her own and is making dean's list each semester while working full time.

I think it may be a good time to reflect on what works best for you; which usually translates into whats best for our kids in the long run. Perhaps an Oxford house or other halfway house may be a good idea for him to consider. I found that it wasn't until I stepped back and stopped coddling that my daughter found her own wings. Seeing how self confident she has become and how she thrives on doing things in her own time and in her own way, I want to smack myself for how long I robbed her of opportunities to fail and succeed on her won.

tjp613

THANK YOU ALL so very much for your input!!

The sober living house is a great option...HOWEVER...the ones in our huge city are in the most horrible, violent neighborhoods and I'm just not comfortable with that. Not only that, but there is a wonderful community college about 1/4 of a mile from our house!! The other thing is that if he doesn't go to college full time his insurance benefits come to a screeching halt. If we didn't have insurance coverage for his counseling, psychiatrist and meds, this would add another $1,000/month to his expenses. He says that he DOES want to go to school....he's pretty aware that it would be very difficult to make a living on minimum wage. The tuition for school is only about $1,600/semester and he does have a college fund set up already but the funds are stipulated for college expenses ONLY.

So I'm thinking, based on your comments, that I am pretty much on track in my logic. I guess if he gets a job and it doesn't quite cover all his expenses, I'll pitch in a couple hundred dollars/month to help out. I suppose I could give him prepaid gas cards or something like that.

Dorton - I WISH he were eligible for the military! I'd love for him to join the Air Force -- my nephew loves his career! He can't join because of his bipolar & medications

Any other advice? I'd be glad to hear it!

leelee5675

You sound like you are using sound logic, indeed, and trying to be sure he can succeed without doing it through you.

The only thing that jumped out at me (because of personal experience) is to be very careful with things like prepaid gas cards. Believe it or not, drugs can be purchased with about anything that has cash value. I was shocked. When I started suspecting that my daughter was using again, I stopped giving her cash for anything. She would tell me she needed school supplies (college), so I would give her my debit card and tell her to bring me the receipt. She would go to Wal-Mart and buy her supplies along with a $25.00 Wal-Mart card and the receipt would "disappear".

A small time dealer will go along with that, especially if the buyer is willing to accept $20 worth of dope for the $25 card, etc.

I know we are not supposed to be controlling (and we can't control), but it's a little different when you're trying to protect your finances. It's amazing how resourceful they can be when they need to get high.

You may already be aware of these tactics, and it probably wouldn't happen with a gas card, but it could. Just trying to help you stay ahead of the game.

Good luck and best wishes for your son on a successful future.

barb dwyer

I am not a member of Al-anon, but if it's set up like AA, this is a question for your sponsor. It 'feels' like the codependency trying to creep back in , setting up 'what if' scenarios so the compulsioin can kick in when things don't go smoothly.
I hope that is making sense - I only have these alcoholic perceptioins, you see.
I think the rest of it shows you are doing your work in your program, and leaving the worry and the 'out-thinking' at the door is best.
(Out-thinking: when we are trying to think up all possible negative future scenarios through so we'll know ahead of time something is going to fail. Not a 'official' terminology at all, just something I've learned I do to keep my disease in shape.)

I think the reason I didn't actually start drinking until my forties was the simple reason there was no one - NO ONE to help me raise my children or bail me out of anything.
I had my children, and literally couldn't afford to indulge in those behaviours. Not until later.
So the 'earn it yourself' mindset is always a good thing in my book.

I think youre' doing a great job.

outtolunch

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.

He has room/ board, a car, car insurance, gas in his tank, health care insurance and an education and he does not have to lift a finger for any of it. Seems like these benefits could keep him a perpetual child, indefinitiely.

Assuming this is not what you want, what are you willing to change?

outtolunch

As an aside, my daughter was diagnosed with ADD and depression at 15. Bipolar followed at 16. Every subsequent year, more diagnosis were made, borderline personality disorder, most other disorders and my own personal favorite, Schizo-Affective Disorder. She was taking a multitude of prescribed medications and we were told she would require lifetime meds to function.

To cut to the chase, my daughter has not taken any medications for over a year, now. I though she would end up in Mc Donads talking to a garbage can, if you know what I mean. Instead.....she's well, rather normal, albeit with immature cognition. ( She is literal and does not infer, well)

Her immaturity and drug usage resulted in misdiagnosis and being over medicated.

tjp613

Thanks for the input LeeLee. yeah, I've thought of the cash value of the gas card...but if he spends his gas money on drugs, then he has no gas to get around! Too bad! I can't control what he spends his money on anyway, but somehow that makes me feel a little better than just dumping $200 in his checking account. Your Wal-mart story reminded me of the book Evan bought last semester about THREE TIMES! What a naive dope I was. But not anymore!!!

thank you! I'll definitely keep it in mind.

tjp613

Yeah, Cynical, I hope that's what I'm doing. I'm not punishing him for being an addict, I'm trying to help develop his "life skills" in making him more responsible. Those are skills he hasn't developed because of his drug use and our enabling ways. The drug use/recovery aspect only plays in where certain conditions have to be met in order for this support to continue: meetings and a sponsor, curfew, therapy, passing grades, etc. If he starts using again or flunks out of school, the rug gets pulled out from under him and he has to figure out how to get a roof over his head and food in his belly.

thanks very much for your input!! I appreciate it.

marle

My daughter started abusing drugs when she was 18 and was a fullblown addict by 19. We also bought her a car when she graduated and helped her pay for college. On her way to school to take her finals she ran into a tree and we took the car away. When she started dating her crack addicted neighbor who was 17 years older, we took the school away. She spent the next two years in heavy addiction, sometimes living in crack motels with the addict boyfriend. We had very little contact with her. I spent the time in prayer and in healing myself. When she lost my insurance I picked her up a cheap BCBS policy. It had a large deductible but was there for her should she have some serious illness. She spent time in the ICU on two occasions in 2008 due to her untreated asthma and her addiction. She is still paying off the $3300 from that. In May of 2008 she finally had had enough and went to rehab and a halfway house. We helped with some of the expenses not covered by her insurance. She now has 14 months clean and she spent the last year working to pay off her bills that had gone into collections. She just recently bought a car and is going back to college. But she did those things herself. The last year she got free meds through the pparx program. She is on Singulair, Symbicort for her asthm, Wellbutrin for her depression and Seroquel for her anxiety. All of the meds are free to her because of her income. She found the help herself. So I guess what I am saying is that no matter what I did to try to help my daughter it did no good until she was ready to help herself. An active addict does not much care whether they go to college or not. They don't care whether they take their meds or not. Your concerns are not their concerns. They are concerned with one thing only and that is to feed their addiction. That is when we parents must let go, take a huge step backward and let them figure it out. It took my daughter a long time, but she finally has some good, clean time because I decided that I had had enough. I spent too many years with that broom in my hand waiting to clean up her messes and in the end it cost me too much and did nothing to change her. Let your son grow up and face his consequences. It may or may not make a difference with him but you never know. Hugs, Marle

Freedom1990

Our local mental health center charges on a spend-down basis for low income folks. You can pay as little as $5 a visit, and that includes regular med evaluations with a staff psychiatrist.

I also get my antidepressants directly through the drug manufacturer due to my low income. Most of the drug companies now do this.