The end of a long hard fought battle...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
The end of a long hard fought battle...
Well, today I got the decision from the judge in my divorce case against my XAH. The divorce itself took 2 years from the initial filing until the final findings and decision from the court. At the onset, I was told that it would average about 6-9 months at most. I fired my first attorney (she seemed to have a lack of initiative, and I later discovered that she too, had a drinking problem). My second attorney was very able, and did a good job. My AH at the time, after the initial papers were filed on him, disappeared for several months, then showed up in a homeless shelter, where his brother stepped in and sent him off to a baptist treatment compound. He spent 7 months there under their shelter and protected from the outside world. Free of any responsibilities or distractions from the outside world all of that time - so everything was put on standby. I've been told he's sober now - but of course I know better.
Regardless, I view this whole experience as a life lesson. Many things in this world are not fair, and this was one of them for me. My X gets half of everything so the court finds - he's destitute. While he earned 30% of our marital income and I 70% the court found him needy. He's incapable of earning much from here on out, and the judge knew it. So, with the findings, I must come up with this huge amount of $ (several hundred thousand) to pay him off. He walks free of any family obligations, parental responsibilities, with a fat wallet. What is fair about a man who can lie, cheat, beat his wife and abuse his children, lose jobs, wreck cars and reputations — and walk away with his half — which he'd be entitled to IF he had been a real husband and a father? Oh well, like someone said "these situations are nothing more than fertilizer" and I can so agree with that. He'll fritter it away, and be penniless in a years time.
I've learned a lot, survived it, and never gave up my hopes and dreams. They are not diminished. I'm just disappointed in the judicial system — there is NO such thing as a NO-FAULT divorce. They can slice it anyway they care too, and it is still unjust.
Saying that, I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. His just hasn't come around yet, but it will. In the meantime, I have peace, and no alcoholic in my life from this day forward - a true blessing!
My advice to those of you who are living with an "A", if you aren't married to them, but plan on it... get a prenuptual agreement to protect yourself. Even if you just a little wonder in the back of your mind... "does he have an alcohol problem?" Protect yourself!
Regardless, I view this whole experience as a life lesson. Many things in this world are not fair, and this was one of them for me. My X gets half of everything so the court finds - he's destitute. While he earned 30% of our marital income and I 70% the court found him needy. He's incapable of earning much from here on out, and the judge knew it. So, with the findings, I must come up with this huge amount of $ (several hundred thousand) to pay him off. He walks free of any family obligations, parental responsibilities, with a fat wallet. What is fair about a man who can lie, cheat, beat his wife and abuse his children, lose jobs, wreck cars and reputations — and walk away with his half — which he'd be entitled to IF he had been a real husband and a father? Oh well, like someone said "these situations are nothing more than fertilizer" and I can so agree with that. He'll fritter it away, and be penniless in a years time.
I've learned a lot, survived it, and never gave up my hopes and dreams. They are not diminished. I'm just disappointed in the judicial system — there is NO such thing as a NO-FAULT divorce. They can slice it anyway they care too, and it is still unjust.
Saying that, I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. His just hasn't come around yet, but it will. In the meantime, I have peace, and no alcoholic in my life from this day forward - a true blessing!
My advice to those of you who are living with an "A", if you aren't married to them, but plan on it... get a prenuptual agreement to protect yourself. Even if you just a little wonder in the back of your mind... "does he have an alcohol problem?" Protect yourself!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
T2,
It's done. I hope you are able to feel a bit of freedom and relief at having it over, and now you can look ahead at your bright and beautiful future. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself some time to grieve the loss of the dream.
Big hugs,
Cats
It's done. I hope you are able to feel a bit of freedom and relief at having it over, and now you can look ahead at your bright and beautiful future. Be gentle with yourself, give yourself some time to grieve the loss of the dream.
Big hugs,
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 11
Congratulations on your new start. Life is long and there are many chances for peace and happiness ahead.
My lawyer couriered our divorce papers to my office today and I did the whole - maybe i didn't give him enough time, maybe I'm too quick to jump ship, maybe this time it will be different battle in my head. So hard, so sad, so not fair. Got in the car and turned on a praise and worship cd that literally arrived in my mailbox this morning from a cousin. i don't normally listen to praise and worship, but turned it on because she had gone to so much trouble. 2 songs in and I was crying like a baby (after not crying for a week). One song in particular stood out. i can't remember the words but the point was that God didn't promise it would be easy, he promised he would be there when it's hard. I needed to hear that - and realized then that it's a tragic situation and it's not fair and I'll grieve for a long time - but God is here, and I don't have to look farther than my cousin who sent me the cd.
My lawyer couriered our divorce papers to my office today and I did the whole - maybe i didn't give him enough time, maybe I'm too quick to jump ship, maybe this time it will be different battle in my head. So hard, so sad, so not fair. Got in the car and turned on a praise and worship cd that literally arrived in my mailbox this morning from a cousin. i don't normally listen to praise and worship, but turned it on because she had gone to so much trouble. 2 songs in and I was crying like a baby (after not crying for a week). One song in particular stood out. i can't remember the words but the point was that God didn't promise it would be easy, he promised he would be there when it's hard. I needed to hear that - and realized then that it's a tragic situation and it's not fair and I'll grieve for a long time - but God is here, and I don't have to look farther than my cousin who sent me the cd.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
(((trying))).....You did it! The hardest part is behind you now and you are free to find that beautiful woman you were intended to be!
Take good care of yourself. Watch the amazing things that are about to occur!
Take good care of yourself. Watch the amazing things that are about to occur!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes God uses whatever He wants to get thru to us, even a litle CD. Unfortunately some folk don't see his hand in the little, simple things of life and ignore His help. They are looking for the great Sign, a sort of Archangel blowing a trumpet to announce the miracle they need.
Glad you recognised that you got what you needed right on time.
God bless
Glad you recognised that you got what you needed right on time.
God bless
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Saying that, I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. His just hasn't come around yet, but it will.
I'm sorry the judgment came out that way Trying2
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
T2,
Sorry and a little surprised to hear about your outcome.
The court system doesn't "get it" about alkies, that judge just signed your husbands death sentence. About the last thing an active alkie needs is a couple of hundred thousand dollars in his pocket. Your are exactly right, he'll fritter it away in 2 years if he lives that long.
On the other hand, you are finally free.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Sorry and a little surprised to hear about your outcome.
The court system doesn't "get it" about alkies, that judge just signed your husbands death sentence. About the last thing an active alkie needs is a couple of hundred thousand dollars in his pocket. Your are exactly right, he'll fritter it away in 2 years if he lives that long.
On the other hand, you are finally free.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Wow, I am sorry!!
I have also suffered significant financial loss through my ex abf (although not as much). HOWEVER, I learned that credits and debts are with God, NOT with my ex. Yes I lost 20-40K through my involvement with ex but god has given me bonuses and raises that my ex did not get and has actually suffered decrease salary etc.
I had a house with ex and ended up losing a lot of money - but having the same amount in savings as I did when I bought the house. Ex ended up with 30-40K less than what he had from his 401k. This proved to me that it was "paper money" and that my credits and debts were with the universe and not a lying, cheating abusing jackass ex.
This is what keeps me taking the high road rather than seeking revenge and justice.
Good luck and congratulations for being free - a bargain at any price!!!
I have also suffered significant financial loss through my ex abf (although not as much). HOWEVER, I learned that credits and debts are with God, NOT with my ex. Yes I lost 20-40K through my involvement with ex but god has given me bonuses and raises that my ex did not get and has actually suffered decrease salary etc.
I had a house with ex and ended up losing a lot of money - but having the same amount in savings as I did when I bought the house. Ex ended up with 30-40K less than what he had from his 401k. This proved to me that it was "paper money" and that my credits and debts were with the universe and not a lying, cheating abusing jackass ex.
This is what keeps me taking the high road rather than seeking revenge and justice.
Good luck and congratulations for being free - a bargain at any price!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I feel so fortunate that, long ago, when I was pleading with my ex to just get married, didn't he love me enough, etc., that he refused. He "never wanted to be tied down again." (yeah, I know...how did I miss THAT red flag?)
After we split, and he had poured his life savings down his throat, he retained an attorney to try to prove that we were common law marriage partners, and so seize half of my assets. I threatened to publish the proof that he had propositioned high school boys via the internet. He never brought it up again. Funny thing.
Had I gotten my wish long ago, I would be in a similar situation as you, trying. What's that song about "thank god for unanswered prayers" ?
What a cautionary tale yours is.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but I'm so glad it's over for you. The universe will find a way to repay you many times over for your courage and perseverance.
And Still Waters is dead right. His life will be its own punishment.
After we split, and he had poured his life savings down his throat, he retained an attorney to try to prove that we were common law marriage partners, and so seize half of my assets. I threatened to publish the proof that he had propositioned high school boys via the internet. He never brought it up again. Funny thing.
Had I gotten my wish long ago, I would be in a similar situation as you, trying. What's that song about "thank god for unanswered prayers" ?
What a cautionary tale yours is.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, but I'm so glad it's over for you. The universe will find a way to repay you many times over for your courage and perseverance.
And Still Waters is dead right. His life will be its own punishment.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
thanks everyone for your thoughts and well wishes.
I'm not at all hindered by this decision. I've been given the greatest gift - my FREEDOM!
I am 100% grateful for that.
My plans for the future haven't changed either, in fact, I've broadened them. I've got so much I want to accomplish, so much I want to contribute with my time and talents.
All of this on the heels of a 6 month stint of unemployment would have been too much for the average person to mentally handle. But, I've been made strong by my past troubles, and that strength came in handy the last few months. I learned how to stretch the dollar and then some! I learned how to wake up with a positive attitude, no matter what the day had in store for me!
BTW... my new job is going super! I love it!
I'm not at all hindered by this decision. I've been given the greatest gift - my FREEDOM!
I am 100% grateful for that.
My plans for the future haven't changed either, in fact, I've broadened them. I've got so much I want to accomplish, so much I want to contribute with my time and talents.
All of this on the heels of a 6 month stint of unemployment would have been too much for the average person to mentally handle. But, I've been made strong by my past troubles, and that strength came in handy the last few months. I learned how to stretch the dollar and then some! I learned how to wake up with a positive attitude, no matter what the day had in store for me!
BTW... my new job is going super! I love it!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 74
Look at you! You are free and he still has to live with his demons.
I wish I had the courage to really step out of my marriage. 4 kids, 3 still in college, complicate the process for me, so for right now I just have to set my boundaries, rely on my HP, and not let his crazy self and the vodka get in the way of me being safe and happy.
Congratulations on being truly free!
I wish I had the courage to really step out of my marriage. 4 kids, 3 still in college, complicate the process for me, so for right now I just have to set my boundaries, rely on my HP, and not let his crazy self and the vodka get in the way of me being safe and happy.
Congratulations on being truly free!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by Trying2survive 
I learned how to wake up with a positive attitude, no matter what the day had in store for me!
The cloud of opression has been lifted!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
