adore79

For a while now I've started missing drinking. I only have 4 months sober and I know that this can be normal, but it is causing me a lot of stress. I miss the buzz, I miss the escape, I miss the lack of responsibility of getting wasted.

The last four months have been wonderful, I have a whole group of new people around me to keep accountable to, and for support and help (IOP, probation officer, social workers, family, SR, AA). Things have been going so well but I have not been making much progress in bettering myself or getting rid of my alcoholic thinking and behavior. I still lie sometimes, I still cheat sometimes, I still steal sometimes, I know that it is addictive behavior that I must get rid of but it is so hard.

I don't plan on drinking and I won't but I would really like to. I know if I do it will lead to untold trouble and consequences and cause my life to degenerate back to where I was, only further down the hole. And I feel a depressive episode coming on and it scares the crap out of me. I just needed to get this out. Thanks for reading.

least

Stay strong dear! This too shall pass. Keep telling yourself the negative consequences of drinking. And don't do like I did and throw away your sober time for something you'll regret doing afterward.

(((hugs)))

Astro

I don't miss it so much, but lately I've been romancing it a lot. Wouldn't it be great to relax in the pool with a cold one, or have a bottle of wine with my fiancee when we're on our honeymoon. Wouldn't it be fun to go camping and bring along a cooler full of beer and vodka, or just have an ice cold drink when it's so hot out here.

The the reality sinks in. Two divorces. Lost a home, miss seeing my kids every day. Waking up with that crappy hungover feeling and wondering why my partner is so pissed off at me. Driving my kids around drunk, endangering others.

It ain't worth it. I can't believe how incredible it feels to wake up sober, and to have healthy relationships, knowing that I won't lie or manipulate the people that I care about. Think I'll take another 24 hours

tommyk

"I miss the buzz, I miss the escape, I miss the lack of responsibility of getting wasted."

What do you NOT miss?

Maybe don't concentrate so much on what you liked, concentrate on what you didn't like, and concentrate on why you made the choice to stop drinking.

You chose to stop for some reason, right?

What were/are those reasons?

Some people say, "Play the tape all of the way to the end...."

coffeenut

Yeah....learning to live sober is just that.....Learning. Knowing you're going to have these moments, learning from them and moving on.

I was on vacation this week....and just for a minute thought....dang, a nice cold beer would just be fun.

Only....we all know it wouldn't stop at one, would it.

Stick close to SR.

December15

Congratulations on 4 months that is really good. Here's some reasons not to drink - remorse, depression, anxiety, hangover, headache, vomitting, despair, seizures, dts, cirrosis - and a waste of money.

Fubarcdn

I prefer to think like Astro and concentrate on the things that I don't miss.
The hangovers
Wondering what I said or did
The disappointed spouse
The lost days from having no energy
Not being able to go to the gym.
The beer belly
The idiots at the bars

If I didn't think of all these things I may miss the buzz but I never think that way.

The going up aint worth the coming down. Period.

adore79

Good idea to focus on the negatives of drinking, I will do that. But there were so many times I drank without too many negatives. I'm sure I could get wasted once and then go back to sobriety and if I planned it well I could do it without consequences I think. Itchy trigger finger.

Anna

Hi Adore,

I am glad that you decided to post about your feelings.

It sounds like you have lots of support and you're moving forward with your recovery. Your comment about lying is interesting. I learned to lie as a small child, in order to save myself in my family. But, the lying grew and as a teenager I began lying about inconsequential things and that continued into my adult life. When I stopped drinking, I knew that honest and truth were going to be essential for me and a big challenge. Believe me, it will make a big difference in your life if you start being truthful with yourself and others. It will be hard, but it will be so worth it.

shaun00

sorry to hear that.....if it helps i have felt like that.

you mentioned AA....how are you getting on with the steps.?

im not here to trip you up or pull your progress apart.

but for me....i never got relief from it till i did the steps.

in fact i started to feel better and the obssession left me quiet early into them...

i was plagued by thoughts and desires to drink...... and i didnt want to

and i was fully aware of the outcome but that didnt stop me from yearning for it...and trying to "fix" it with other things...ie sex.. gambling..

id be interested to know your views.

joedris

If you're in AA, you should have a sponsor by now. If you don't, then get one. This is the sort of thing a sponsor is there for - to help you get through the rough patches. Nobody said that sobriety was easy. We need all the help we can get. So take advantage of the help AA offers and work these issues with a sponsor.

Astro

You think? Isn't that called an ace in the hole? It's sorta like a yet. I haven't been arrested (yet) or gotten a DUI (yet) or been hospitalized (yet) or killed anyone (yet)

Well, you know what I'm sayin'. What if my 9 lives were used up and I drank again and the headline reads "Astro relapses. Dies with children in a horrific automobile accident that also kills 3 innocent motorists".

Please, keep that itchy trigger finger in your pocket. A couple months ago a young guy from my AA group died. Relapsed, and hung himself.

adore79

Hi trucker, I am half way through step 4 and have been for a few months. I know I don't follow the program the way it is intended, I dont call my sponsor everyday, actually I call her rarely, and I prefer to reach out for help here than with local AA'ers.

I recently entered into a new relationship (again, going against AA's 1 year rule) and I have wondered if I am just an addict seeking a temporary high from being in a relationship. I could just be using him, but I don't know if I am or not.

I really can't blame anyone else for my actions anymore, I am fully aware of what I do, just not always aware of the underlying reasons. The subconcious is a b****. I just don't believe that I have enough to live for to keep sober forever, the one day at a time might just stop working and then what?

Dee74

I think this thought has been responsible for most of the relapses I see here, Adore.

We never know the consequences - never. We can't control our drinking - how can we know the consequences?

Think back to all the bad stuff that's happened to you. Read back through yr posts.
Did you have any idea, any warning about what happened then?

And it's never just one night.
Addictions aren't made like that. If they were none of us would be here.

Don't believe the lie, Adore.

Stay strong - I know it's hard building a new life, but it's so so worth it
D

adore79

Thanks Scott, you are always there for me with words of wisdom. I promise I won't drink.

TigerLili

The disease of alcoholism is like a monster that uses our own thoughts against us. Everything you are saying is the disease talking.

Maybe think about finding a new sponsor, or trying some different meetings. I find it easier to reach out here than in person too, but face to face support is really important.

keithj

4th Step Fade is common, adore. Many people get stuck there and never get back. I'm not trying to throw doom and gloom at you, but I've seen it over and over and over. The enthusiasm and shine of not drinking wears off, and a drink sounds good.

My sponsor shared with me my first time through the steps to just get something done each day. Didn't matter if it was only 10 minutes, just make some progress. On the 4th step, some days I would only get through a column or two of a single resentment. As long as progress was being made, I stayed in the solution, protected from relapse.

If you are truly stuck, ask your sponsor for help. I've sat down with guys and we've done their 4th step together, just like it says in the Big Book. I actually kind of like this, and provided they bring the willingness, it works just as well.

stone

Half way through step 4 and have been for months is not a good place to be IMO. I don't call my sponsor everyday either, I don't go to meetings everyday even but being halfway through a list of resentments, fears etc, for months has to be a bad thing (in my opinion again )

Tell your finger to stop itching! There are reasons you decided to quit drinking...remember them, please!

Thinking "I could get away with it just this once without consequences" has been my downfall so many times...

shaun00

lots of people find 4/5 difficult..

who likes to take a long hard look at themselves?...

and with having to discuss it with someone else lurking in the background..

You wouldnt be the first person to grab a new relationship...just to fix that feeling of self worth on the floor.....if indeed you have..

please dont be one of the hundreds i see stop working the steps and return to drinking ...many dont come back.

i suggest that you ring your sponsor and get 4 and 5 and the rest nailed.

i keep in close contact with sponsees through 4/5....its important you get guildance and support..

print your post off and go see your sponsor.

you been here for a good while now and id hate for you to become another... "i wonder what happen too"

the 12 steps have been a route to freedom for me.......i realized i needed to try after being sober for a while.....just like you.

pm me anytime if i can help...........

NEOMARXIST

How will you feel back at day one again?

I hate that feeling of starting the merry-go-round again.