Should I Show My Resentment?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
Should I Show My Resentment?
My 32-year-old daughter just finished a 3 week stay at an inpatient rehab facility for methamphetamine addiction.
In order for her to go to this facility and try to get her life back on track, she signed custody of her 4-year-old daughter over to me.
I feel extremely blessed that I am able to help my granddaughter through this crisis, as opposed to her living in a drug environment or foster care. We are close, as she and her mohter have lived with me from the time she came home from the hospital.
Tonight my daughter called to tell me she was at a timeshare with some of her friends from rehab. While she was telling me this, her daughter was fussing because she was tired, and needed to be fed and bathed. I couldn't help but think, "What is wrong with this picture??" She's at the lake "chilling" with her friends and I'm tied here dealing with HER responsibilities.
Again, I love my granddaughter, she's a joy to have. But I have a huge amount of resentment toward my daughter's situation. She's out living the life I should be living as I head for retirement and I'm raising her child.
My question is this: Should I express my resentment, or will it hinder her recovery? I need to vent my anger. What do I do?
In order for her to go to this facility and try to get her life back on track, she signed custody of her 4-year-old daughter over to me.
I feel extremely blessed that I am able to help my granddaughter through this crisis, as opposed to her living in a drug environment or foster care. We are close, as she and her mohter have lived with me from the time she came home from the hospital.
Tonight my daughter called to tell me she was at a timeshare with some of her friends from rehab. While she was telling me this, her daughter was fussing because she was tired, and needed to be fed and bathed. I couldn't help but think, "What is wrong with this picture??" She's at the lake "chilling" with her friends and I'm tied here dealing with HER responsibilities.
Again, I love my granddaughter, she's a joy to have. But I have a huge amount of resentment toward my daughter's situation. She's out living the life I should be living as I head for retirement and I'm raising her child.
My question is this: Should I express my resentment, or will it hinder her recovery? I need to vent my anger. What do I do?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Leelee, you've come to a good place with people who have been where you are.
Expressing resentment and venting anger may help, but isn't this more about "reacting" to her behaviour, rather than thinking through what is best for you?
What helped me in situations like this was to take pause to think about what I wanted to say, and then to have a discussion with my son (the addict in my life) about what I was willing to accept responsibility for and then set boundaries for living in my home. We can't change other people, including addicts in or out of recovery, but we can set our own boundaries and consequences if these boundaries are not respected. The hard part is following through on the consequences, because without that, the boundary means nothing.
I don't know if you daughter works or has income, but if she can afford the time and money to go to a timeshare on the beach, she can afford to contribute both to the care of her child. And if she is not working, more time and less money may still help you cope with the load.
For some reason, we moms tend to get ourselves in the position where we think "we" are the only option. But we are not the only option, people get by without moms every day. Nor are we always the best option, sometimes when we take responsibility that should be theirs, we rob them of the lesson of how to live independently and responsibly on their own.
That said, I am sending prayers for your family, and big hugs from this mama's heart to yours, because I know how hard it is to try to do what is best for our kids and their kids.
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around, and walk with us a while here. Others will be along to share their experience, strength and hope, and together we lighten the load just a little as we find our way on the path of recovery.
Hugs
My question is this: Should I express my resentment, or will it hinder her recovery? I need to vent my anger. What do I do?
What helped me in situations like this was to take pause to think about what I wanted to say, and then to have a discussion with my son (the addict in my life) about what I was willing to accept responsibility for and then set boundaries for living in my home. We can't change other people, including addicts in or out of recovery, but we can set our own boundaries and consequences if these boundaries are not respected. The hard part is following through on the consequences, because without that, the boundary means nothing.
I don't know if you daughter works or has income, but if she can afford the time and money to go to a timeshare on the beach, she can afford to contribute both to the care of her child. And if she is not working, more time and less money may still help you cope with the load.
For some reason, we moms tend to get ourselves in the position where we think "we" are the only option. But we are not the only option, people get by without moms every day. Nor are we always the best option, sometimes when we take responsibility that should be theirs, we rob them of the lesson of how to live independently and responsibly on their own.
That said, I am sending prayers for your family, and big hugs from this mama's heart to yours, because I know how hard it is to try to do what is best for our kids and their kids.
Make yourself comfortable, take a read around, and walk with us a while here. Others will be along to share their experience, strength and hope, and together we lighten the load just a little as we find our way on the path of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
Thank you so much for the warm welcome. I was so thrilled to find this site. I began on the internet by looking for Nar-anon meetings, but the closest one was 25 miles away and in the evenings, which doesn't work on a consistent basis with having a 4-year-old (my daughter doesn't live with me anymore).
To know I can have this site to visit anytime day or night (I'm a night owl) is such a blessing. I am also a grown child of an alcoholic and attended al-anon many years ago. I'm afraid my coping skills are quite rusty, hence the cry for help from you guys.
Many of your statements brought some things back and I thank you for that. I know that I have to focus on me and my well being. For me first, but also for my granddaughter. This is so hard at this age, because there's just no way to explain it. They don't even have a good concept of time, but she's adjusting pretty well (it's been 6 weeks since her mother left).
I didn't actually take the responsibility for the child, she left her with me. My frustration is that she refuses to take responsibility. But your comments on that subject reminded me that years of enabling her not only since the birth of this child but long before has crippled her in a major way, so I appreciate that reminder.
As for her lightening my load, my daughter went through a state-sponsored program (Texas) for her rehab, so I had to go the legal route vs. Child Protective Services and visitations are limited/mandated by the court system. I can't just let her come "babysit" for me. If I were to let my daughter move back in my home, the courts could get CPS involved and my granddaughter would probably wind up in a foster home.
I'm starting to sound "whiny" again, I know. I do thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. We need them so much right now. Please continue to pray for us when you can. I'm a strong believer in the power of prayer. Many people have been praying for my daughter since this situation arose and I do see a change and I do finally have some hope for her future.
To know I can have this site to visit anytime day or night (I'm a night owl) is such a blessing. I am also a grown child of an alcoholic and attended al-anon many years ago. I'm afraid my coping skills are quite rusty, hence the cry for help from you guys.
Many of your statements brought some things back and I thank you for that. I know that I have to focus on me and my well being. For me first, but also for my granddaughter. This is so hard at this age, because there's just no way to explain it. They don't even have a good concept of time, but she's adjusting pretty well (it's been 6 weeks since her mother left).
I didn't actually take the responsibility for the child, she left her with me. My frustration is that she refuses to take responsibility. But your comments on that subject reminded me that years of enabling her not only since the birth of this child but long before has crippled her in a major way, so I appreciate that reminder.
As for her lightening my load, my daughter went through a state-sponsored program (Texas) for her rehab, so I had to go the legal route vs. Child Protective Services and visitations are limited/mandated by the court system. I can't just let her come "babysit" for me. If I were to let my daughter move back in my home, the courts could get CPS involved and my granddaughter would probably wind up in a foster home.
I'm starting to sound "whiny" again, I know. I do thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. We need them so much right now. Please continue to pray for us when you can. I'm a strong believer in the power of prayer. Many people have been praying for my daughter since this situation arose and I do see a change and I do finally have some hope for her future.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I didn't realize that your daughter didn't normally live with you, but in many ways that is a blessing too. I found that having a front row seat to my son's addiction/recovery was by far the worst seat in the house.
Like you, I found SR by accident over seven years ago, and it has been a lifeline to me as well. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home fellowship and since we moved away from a big city, meetings are not easy for me either, but I am grateful for almost 10 years of meetings and learning to work the steps because that is the foundation for everything that follows.
Your grandchild is lucky to have you, and I am sure you feel blessed too (at least days that you are not overwhelmed with the duties of raising a child).
Stick around, this place is addictive
Seriously, it's a wonderful place to come and it's open 24 hours a day. It's the only recovery I could go to in my jammies and bunny slippers.
Hugs
Like you, I found SR by accident over seven years ago, and it has been a lifeline to me as well. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home fellowship and since we moved away from a big city, meetings are not easy for me either, but I am grateful for almost 10 years of meetings and learning to work the steps because that is the foundation for everything that follows.
Your grandchild is lucky to have you, and I am sure you feel blessed too (at least days that you are not overwhelmed with the duties of raising a child).
Stick around, this place is addictive
Seriously, it's a wonderful place to come and it's open 24 hours a day. It's the only recovery I could go to in my jammies and bunny slippers. Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi LeeLee - My first reaction to your question was that there is no reason you can't be honest with your daughter about your feelings! Isn't that what recovery is all about? Yes, it will be uncomfortable for her to hear the truth, but that's what it's all about....learning how to face the consequences of your actions, take responsibility for them, make amends and do ALL of that without using drugs. So do I think you will hamper her recovery? No. As long as you can do it in a calm, non-reactive way -- I definitely think you should express your resentment!
(((Hugs))) There's a very special place in Heaven for grandmas like you. Bless you.
(((Hugs))) There's a very special place in Heaven for grandmas like you. Bless you.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((LeeLee))
welcome to the SR family
Glad you found us but hate so much that you have been affected by this disease!
I read that you were unable to find a Nar-Anon meeting at a time that worked for you - maybe there is an Al-Anon meeting that could work? The meetings I attend are Al-Anon and several of the people that attend are dealing with addicts and it seems to be just fine with the other members.
I'm sure that you have a very heavy load on you right now and it would be very difficult NOT to be resentful of what your daughter is doing. I also have learned that resentments can be harmful to ME and to my peace of mind. Self-care is what has helped me in healing from some of those resentments.
I learned that when I am at my best then I am able to give my loved ones the very best that I can. A HEALTHY ME.
I'm sure it is very difficult with your granddaughter - but maybe you can set aside time for you to still do things that are GOOD and Relaxing for you - You know - you still deserve those things too!!
Keep hanging around with us - there is a wonderful amount of love, support and recovery here - it has truly been a blessing to me and I pray that it is the same for you!!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
welcome to the SR family
Glad you found us but hate so much that you have been affected by this disease!
I read that you were unable to find a Nar-Anon meeting at a time that worked for you - maybe there is an Al-Anon meeting that could work? The meetings I attend are Al-Anon and several of the people that attend are dealing with addicts and it seems to be just fine with the other members.
I'm sure that you have a very heavy load on you right now and it would be very difficult NOT to be resentful of what your daughter is doing. I also have learned that resentments can be harmful to ME and to my peace of mind. Self-care is what has helped me in healing from some of those resentments.
I learned that when I am at my best then I am able to give my loved ones the very best that I can. A HEALTHY ME.
I'm sure it is very difficult with your granddaughter - but maybe you can set aside time for you to still do things that are GOOD and Relaxing for you - You know - you still deserve those things too!!
Keep hanging around with us - there is a wonderful amount of love, support and recovery here - it has truly been a blessing to me and I pray that it is the same for you!!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
i dont really think about what will hinder the addicts recovery. we cant do anything to help or hurt that because its completely up to them.
resentments on the other hand are typically a negative emotion and if you throw out a negative emotions your pretty likely to get a negative emotion back. so i never found it did any good and usually made me more upset. speaking matter of factly without emotion to my AS has usually had better results - so its all in how its phrased.
like, "that's nice your having a good time ... what are your plans to help support your daughter after this break" instead of "this is not fair that your having fun while i'm doing all the work - you should be sending money to help me." the first way is just stating facts where the second way sets you up as her victim and you never want to be the addicts victim.
Try to remember that in the long run your doing this for your grandaughter not your daughter. it is a heavy burden but your granddaughter is blessed to have you, so when those negative thoughts overwhelm you just give her a hug and remember that this is the best thing for an innocent child.
resentments on the other hand are typically a negative emotion and if you throw out a negative emotions your pretty likely to get a negative emotion back. so i never found it did any good and usually made me more upset. speaking matter of factly without emotion to my AS has usually had better results - so its all in how its phrased.
like, "that's nice your having a good time ... what are your plans to help support your daughter after this break" instead of "this is not fair that your having fun while i'm doing all the work - you should be sending money to help me." the first way is just stating facts where the second way sets you up as her victim and you never want to be the addicts victim.
Try to remember that in the long run your doing this for your grandaughter not your daughter. it is a heavy burden but your granddaughter is blessed to have you, so when those negative thoughts overwhelm you just give her a hug and remember that this is the best thing for an innocent child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
I love you guys already
Thank you all again for your input. Reading what you have to say is starting to bring back my Al-Anon education, and the suggestion to attend one of these meetings hit the nail on the head. My granddaughter starts pre-K in August, and I will set up a regular schedule to attend at that time. In the meantime I will catch random meetings as I can. I am ready to work my program again, as I know it will help not only me, but my granddaughter, too.
Ann, I can see why you were confused as to the situation with my daughter's living arrangements. I have actually had that front row seat you were talking about for the past 3 years until 6 weeks ago. That was when I had her move out. I didn't give the long version of her addiction (this is the third round with this drug) because it spans an 8 year period.
From the front row seat, I got to not only watch her spiral out of control, but I watched as the drug became intense enough that she disconnected from her daughter emotionally. It was very heartbreaking, to say the least. I saw it coming because she had come home on two prior occasions to dry out. She was using when she got pregnant with the "amazing Isabella" and that' s what motivated her to sober up 4 years ago. But obviously, it wasn't enough to KEEP her sober.
I have already seen where I could easily become addicted to this site. I love it already because I have gradually isolated myself over the past 4 years and its so great to have some communication with people that understand, but at the same time will point out where some of your perspectives may be a little off track.
God Bless You All for Caring...will post again soon.
Lee Ann
(leelee5675)
Ann, I can see why you were confused as to the situation with my daughter's living arrangements. I have actually had that front row seat you were talking about for the past 3 years until 6 weeks ago. That was when I had her move out. I didn't give the long version of her addiction (this is the third round with this drug) because it spans an 8 year period.
From the front row seat, I got to not only watch her spiral out of control, but I watched as the drug became intense enough that she disconnected from her daughter emotionally. It was very heartbreaking, to say the least. I saw it coming because she had come home on two prior occasions to dry out. She was using when she got pregnant with the "amazing Isabella" and that' s what motivated her to sober up 4 years ago. But obviously, it wasn't enough to KEEP her sober.
I have already seen where I could easily become addicted to this site. I love it already because I have gradually isolated myself over the past 4 years and its so great to have some communication with people that understand, but at the same time will point out where some of your perspectives may be a little off track.
God Bless You All for Caring...will post again soon.
Lee Ann
(leelee5675)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
When I get to feeling all resentful about something, I can almost always trace it back to taking on a responsibility that was not mine. In other words, it's usually my own choices that cause resentment.
I have to remind myself ( constantly) that I need to let go of expectations when I take on someone else's responsibility or decline it.
Sounds like you and your grandchild are mutual gifts to each other.
I have to remind myself ( constantly) that I need to let go of expectations when I take on someone else's responsibility or decline it.
Sounds like you and your grandchild are mutual gifts to each other.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
You are so right...I am known for volunteering for responsibilities that I probably have no business taking on.
This was a little different in that if I hadn't taken the responsibility my granddaughter most likely would have wound up in foster care.
However, at the very core, I DID choose to take on the responsibility. And we are a gift to each other. I think that's why my resentment subsided very quickly. I don't ever want Isabella to be a cause for resentment. And I do love my daughter, too. I'm just exasperated at the addiction and the devestation it has caused in so many lives.
Thanks for your post.
This was a little different in that if I hadn't taken the responsibility my granddaughter most likely would have wound up in foster care.
However, at the very core, I DID choose to take on the responsibility. And we are a gift to each other. I think that's why my resentment subsided very quickly. I don't ever want Isabella to be a cause for resentment. And I do love my daughter, too. I'm just exasperated at the addiction and the devestation it has caused in so many lives.
Thanks for your post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Virginia gal
Posts: 132
Dear LEELEE, I know from whence you come from!!!!! MY AD asked me to take her two children for 45 days while she was in jail. She ran, for a year. I had such mixed feelings. First, I was so glad that I had the kids cause I knew they are safe and cared for. Second, I felt such resentment. I am 58, work full time and husband is a double amputee. Talk about a load. Do you work? If so contact SS and find out what benefits you qualify for. I was blessed to get TANF which helped with daycare. At least I had the hours covered so I could continue to work. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and the most wonderful thing. I understand how you feel about having your life interruped by someone else. And yes, the resentment of having her out relaxing with friends while you are doing HER job. Telling her? Doubt that will change anything, if she is anything like my AD her mind set is only about her. No one else. I feel for you, but I had to learn that I could only put one foot in front of the other. And I thanked God everyday that I could and that I found this wonderful site. It saved my life. Hang in there and keep talking.
Painter
Painter
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
They have some good stuff on boundaries in here,
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
You mentioned also she was on meth, a lot of times with
meth addiction it takes the brain time to heal, I know for
me it took a long time before my brain was back to normal.
In the mean time, I would take extra good care of myself
and your grand daughter doing what you need to do.
She's going to do what she needs to do and she will.
Whatever you do, your actions, or non actions, are not going
to make her recovery or break it. So take that weight off
your shoulders. You are not responsible for her using or not using.
Only she can do that.
:ghug2
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
You mentioned also she was on meth, a lot of times with
meth addiction it takes the brain time to heal, I know for
me it took a long time before my brain was back to normal.
In the mean time, I would take extra good care of myself
and your grand daughter doing what you need to do.
She's going to do what she needs to do and she will.
Whatever you do, your actions, or non actions, are not going
to make her recovery or break it. So take that weight off
your shoulders. You are not responsible for her using or not using.
Only she can do that.
:ghug2
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is not always easy to do the right thing, but we do it anyway.
Perhaps you can set a time line for your availability to care for your grandchild.
In the meantime, enjoy the time you have with her.
Only when your AD has been sober for some time will she be able to comprehend
your contribution and what her addiction has cost you. Hopefully, she will get to this place. For now maybe it is best to keep your focus on managing your own recovery from this family disease and creating the best in your situation.
Perhaps you can set a time line for your availability to care for your grandchild.
In the meantime, enjoy the time you have with her.
Only when your AD has been sober for some time will she be able to comprehend
your contribution and what her addiction has cost you. Hopefully, she will get to this place. For now maybe it is best to keep your focus on managing your own recovery from this family disease and creating the best in your situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Marshall, TX
Posts: 84
So true about focusing on my own recovery. Finding this site has helped me begin to acknowledge that, and I have scheduled two meetings to attend this week (will do more if possible).
I just pointed out to my daughter yesterday that I went into recovery the day she left. She looked suprised, but admitted they had covered family recovery in rehab. I am the grown child of an alcoholic, but I let my recovery slide when my father died.
So there's the silver lining on this monstrous black cloud (in addition to my granddaughter). Life is reminding me that even if there's not an addict right in your face, you're still a codependent enabler. I am looking forward to being in recovery again and learning to love life again.
Thanks for your post and for caring enough to do so.
I just pointed out to my daughter yesterday that I went into recovery the day she left. She looked suprised, but admitted they had covered family recovery in rehab. I am the grown child of an alcoholic, but I let my recovery slide when my father died.
So there's the silver lining on this monstrous black cloud (in addition to my granddaughter). Life is reminding me that even if there's not an addict right in your face, you're still a codependent enabler. I am looking forward to being in recovery again and learning to love life again.
Thanks for your post and for caring enough to do so.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
It always tugs at my heart to read of a grandparent taking care of a grandchild. I spent 5 long years fighting for my granddaughter, and to no avail. Unless I were to have unlimited funds and a damned good lawyer, there was no hope. I even got CPS involved and they couldn't even find the time to make a home visit.
By the time my grandson came along, I had given up.
Fortunately my AD lost custody of the children a few years ago after she overdosed in front of them. Unfortunately my granddaughter is now 14, and has chosen to live with my AD and go to high school in her area. I have seen a profound effect on my granddaughter from her mother's addictions.
All I can do is continue to put my granddaughter in God's hands, and have faith he has a plan for her too.
The rare occasions she does come to see me on a weekend, I just love and hug her all I can. She knows my house is a 'safe' place for her to come should she ever need it.
Cherish the time you do have with your granddaughter.
By the time my grandson came along, I had given up.
Fortunately my AD lost custody of the children a few years ago after she overdosed in front of them. Unfortunately my granddaughter is now 14, and has chosen to live with my AD and go to high school in her area. I have seen a profound effect on my granddaughter from her mother's addictions.
All I can do is continue to put my granddaughter in God's hands, and have faith he has a plan for her too.
The rare occasions she does come to see me on a weekend, I just love and hug her all I can. She knows my house is a 'safe' place for her to come should she ever need it.
Cherish the time you do have with your granddaughter.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
We are raising my daughter's boys - ages 20 months and 3 years. We love them very much, and they have bonded with us over the past year and half. Today, I know that any resentments I have really are for my daughter's addiction, not for her. She didn't choose to be born an addict, though she has also not chosen to work a program of recovery...yet.
My resentments toward her situation, or even others I've had back to my own childhood and all born out of the same thing - unrealized expections....outcomes that didn't pan out....failed plans... disappointments.
It helps if I limit my expectations. I can have hope for tomorrow and hope that my kid will find recovery and hope that she will be able to be a good mom to her kids, but I am not a good enough architect to figure out EXACTLY how that needs to look. Perhaps she will be an absent mom, but be available later when I am gone and they are adults. God knows best what all parties involved need, and when they need it and when they are able to provide for those needs. Me? I can barely remember when Saturday is.
But it took me 4 years of Alanon to get to this place.... and constant vigilance by attending meetings whenever I can.
Wishing you the best. (hugs))
My resentments toward her situation, or even others I've had back to my own childhood and all born out of the same thing - unrealized expections....outcomes that didn't pan out....failed plans... disappointments.
It helps if I limit my expectations. I can have hope for tomorrow and hope that my kid will find recovery and hope that she will be able to be a good mom to her kids, but I am not a good enough architect to figure out EXACTLY how that needs to look. Perhaps she will be an absent mom, but be available later when I am gone and they are adults. God knows best what all parties involved need, and when they need it and when they are able to provide for those needs. Me? I can barely remember when Saturday is.
But it took me 4 years of Alanon to get to this place.... and constant vigilance by attending meetings whenever I can.
Wishing you the best. (hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 13
OMG..I feel like I am looking in the mirror reading your post..you have described how I feel so accurately!
It's been awhile since I posted, Child Services became involved after my daughter was caught with needles in her purse while at a friend's home. She had her 3 year old with her.
The case worker verbally made me responsible for my two grandchildren, who have lived with me, along with their mother since they were born.
She is only allowed to have "supervised" contact with them, and since she lives here, myself or someone I appoint had to be here.
At her first court date, the judge made that supervisory person..me. No one else.
I have had co-guardianship of the kids for quite a long time, my daughter had documents drawn up and notarized right after the 3 year old was born because they are left with me so often. Rather than give me legal custody, the judge just left the co-guardianship in place. Because of this, I receive no financial assistance for their care, no help to pay for daycare. This made it impossible to put them in daycare, way too expensive for me on my salary. I had no choice but to leave my job, in order to care for them. The 6 year old will return to school in a couple of weeks, and I am hoping to find a babysitter for the 3 year old and be able to go back to work part time somewhere...I know even this will be an uphill battle, I am 50 years old and jobs are not plentiful in the rural area where I live.
Resentment? Oh yeah. There are days, I am sorry to admit, but I truly hate my daughter for the chaos she has brought into my life and her children's lives. I resent the people around me, as their lives seem to go on as they always have while mine has been totally devestated, turned into something I do not want to live..My life has literally stopped at the hands of my daughter's addiction. She has since moved in with a friend and has 4 weeks sober now. I am happy and thankful for her sobriety, but I am angry that this situation has given her "the single life"..and thrust her responsiblity onto me. She rarely stays here anymore, she would rather be at her friends house, sleeping late and is enjoying her sober life without the children in it. I fear she will never want to be their mom again.
There are days that I have the phone in hand, ready to call the case worker and ask her to place the children elsewhere; in all honesty, I could NEVER do that...they are like my own. I have some health problems that make it difficult for me to care for these two; they have some behavior problems that make them hard to handle, understandable after having an active addict for a mother, but I feel ill equipped to deal with them, yet have no choice but to deal with them.
I do grieve for the life I lost..I raised my own children to adulthood, and this was supposed to be MY time..I have always loved to travel and always thought that is what I would be doing now. Does that sound selfish? Maybe it is, but I want my life back, I want my job back. I don't want to feel the way I do about my daughter. We barely speak to each other. I prefer to remain silent than to beat my head against the proverbial brick wall.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I completely understand how you feel and like everyone else who has posted, to tell you that you are not alone.
It's been awhile since I posted, Child Services became involved after my daughter was caught with needles in her purse while at a friend's home. She had her 3 year old with her.
The case worker verbally made me responsible for my two grandchildren, who have lived with me, along with their mother since they were born.
She is only allowed to have "supervised" contact with them, and since she lives here, myself or someone I appoint had to be here.
At her first court date, the judge made that supervisory person..me. No one else.
I have had co-guardianship of the kids for quite a long time, my daughter had documents drawn up and notarized right after the 3 year old was born because they are left with me so often. Rather than give me legal custody, the judge just left the co-guardianship in place. Because of this, I receive no financial assistance for their care, no help to pay for daycare. This made it impossible to put them in daycare, way too expensive for me on my salary. I had no choice but to leave my job, in order to care for them. The 6 year old will return to school in a couple of weeks, and I am hoping to find a babysitter for the 3 year old and be able to go back to work part time somewhere...I know even this will be an uphill battle, I am 50 years old and jobs are not plentiful in the rural area where I live.
Resentment? Oh yeah. There are days, I am sorry to admit, but I truly hate my daughter for the chaos she has brought into my life and her children's lives. I resent the people around me, as their lives seem to go on as they always have while mine has been totally devestated, turned into something I do not want to live..My life has literally stopped at the hands of my daughter's addiction. She has since moved in with a friend and has 4 weeks sober now. I am happy and thankful for her sobriety, but I am angry that this situation has given her "the single life"..and thrust her responsiblity onto me. She rarely stays here anymore, she would rather be at her friends house, sleeping late and is enjoying her sober life without the children in it. I fear she will never want to be their mom again.
There are days that I have the phone in hand, ready to call the case worker and ask her to place the children elsewhere; in all honesty, I could NEVER do that...they are like my own. I have some health problems that make it difficult for me to care for these two; they have some behavior problems that make them hard to handle, understandable after having an active addict for a mother, but I feel ill equipped to deal with them, yet have no choice but to deal with them.
I do grieve for the life I lost..I raised my own children to adulthood, and this was supposed to be MY time..I have always loved to travel and always thought that is what I would be doing now. Does that sound selfish? Maybe it is, but I want my life back, I want my job back. I don't want to feel the way I do about my daughter. We barely speak to each other. I prefer to remain silent than to beat my head against the proverbial brick wall.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I completely understand how you feel and like everyone else who has posted, to tell you that you are not alone.
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