Still experiencing some paranoia.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Still experiencing some paranoia.
I dont know what it is lately. but I have been a little paranoid about my windows in my house. I have this paranoia when I am coming down from using. I always have. I always feel like someone is going to break in and hurt my gram. Like they will get to her and hurt her before I can do anything. The past couple weeks I have been really paranoid..Almost OCD on my middle bedroom window. I am constantly checking it and making sure it is locked. I dont like the blind to be pulled up either. No other windows bother me except that one. I heard a noise ealrier which was probably one of my cats. And I freaked out and grabbed my big scissors I have on my desk and went looking at tht room. I double checked that window. I get like that during the day too.
I have never been paranoid like this when I am not using.
Is it possible to carry these types of paranoia even after stopping using?
I dontlike feeling unsafe in my own home. And I know its probably for nothing. Actually no probably about it.
The reality of my grams being older and and all that inevitable passing away stuff is really hitting me hard.
I dont know what it is.
Theres somehting unsettling in the pit of my stomach that is making me take this time seriously. Like time is ticking.
I am so afraid of something happening to her. And even more so if I am still a hot mess.
Someone asked me on here the other day what am I going to do when she is gone. I havent replied yet. But it has had me thinking alot about that lately.
I cant even comprehend that day. I am not even sure I will come back from it.
Something isnt right. I just feel it in my bones.
I have never been paranoid like this when I am not using.
Is it possible to carry these types of paranoia even after stopping using?
I dontlike feeling unsafe in my own home. And I know its probably for nothing. Actually no probably about it.
The reality of my grams being older and and all that inevitable passing away stuff is really hitting me hard.
I dont know what it is.
Theres somehting unsettling in the pit of my stomach that is making me take this time seriously. Like time is ticking.
I am so afraid of something happening to her. And even more so if I am still a hot mess.
Someone asked me on here the other day what am I going to do when she is gone. I havent replied yet. But it has had me thinking alot about that lately.
I cant even comprehend that day. I am not even sure I will come back from it.
Something isnt right. I just feel it in my bones.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
I always had thoughts of my dad passing......it was haunting to me cause I felt somehow I was going to make it happen just by thinking it....I had these thoughts of his death...and they were so unbearable I had to put it out of mind?..? I never had anyone die on me before and I was so afraid of death....so it haunted me....till he died, and it is still haunting me?...?
I can only suggest that you accept death....we all will get there...
fear only makes it harder....
i don't know.....the PRE-thoughts of death are almost worse.....
enjoy life when it is here....while she is still here.....
good luck to you
I can only suggest that you accept death....we all will get there...
fear only makes it harder....
i don't know.....the PRE-thoughts of death are almost worse.....
enjoy life when it is here....while she is still here.....
good luck to you
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I just dunno Trish.
I've been finding lately I can get a little neurotic and paranoid even now - dunno it's it just me, PAWS, or stress maybe.
I just acknowledge it and try to think about things logically. Or Mrs Dee threatens to make me sleep in the carport if I don't snap out if it LOL.l
As for your Grams, I think that's a natural worry for everyone, as the ones we love grow older - I know I think about my parents entering their 70s and it freaks me.
Maybe its especially a worry for folks like us who have screwed up so many times - I know I've wondered how much time that I could used I simply wasted etc...
That's a dead end tho. Whats done is done.
And worrying about tomorrow is just as futile - one day at time works for this too.
Don't waste the good times worrying.
We have today - and it's good.
We'll face tomorrow when we get up in the morning
hugs Trish
D
I've been finding lately I can get a little neurotic and paranoid even now - dunno it's it just me, PAWS, or stress maybe.
I just acknowledge it and try to think about things logically. Or Mrs Dee threatens to make me sleep in the carport if I don't snap out if it LOL.l
As for your Grams, I think that's a natural worry for everyone, as the ones we love grow older - I know I think about my parents entering their 70s and it freaks me.
Maybe its especially a worry for folks like us who have screwed up so many times - I know I've wondered how much time that I could used I simply wasted etc...
That's a dead end tho. Whats done is done.
And worrying about tomorrow is just as futile - one day at time works for this too.
Don't waste the good times worrying.
We have today - and it's good.
We'll face tomorrow when we get up in the morning
hugs Trish
D
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Trish both of my parents passed years ago, but I know that when I was drinking I feared loved ones dying because in my subconscious mind I knew I was killing myself and I feared them dying before I did. Having been sober and sane for a bit these fears which I think every one has to a degree are probably closer to normal for me. I know that unless I die in an accident that folks older then me that are close to me are likely to pass before me, I accept that because I am no longer killing myself or thinking about drinking again.
Am I rambling? I do not know, what I do know is that having been sober a while and not even considering a drink now, having cleaned up my side of the street to the best of my ability all of my fears are lessened, many of them gone. Life is good, not perfect, but a whole lot better then it was.
As Dee mentioned this could be PAWs or stress, are you doing counseling or a program? Both help in almost all areas of life.
Am I rambling? I do not know, what I do know is that having been sober a while and not even considering a drink now, having cleaned up my side of the street to the best of my ability all of my fears are lessened, many of them gone. Life is good, not perfect, but a whole lot better then it was.
As Dee mentioned this could be PAWs or stress, are you doing counseling or a program? Both help in almost all areas of life.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
This has been a obsessive phobia of fear for me ever since my gramps died in 2003.
I have heard and know from experience that when things happen to you while using. It sorta burns in your mind and kinda tramatizes you.
Like a wheel on my car flew of the front end one night when I was high. Ever since then I will think that obsessively if I am in a car high. I was a complete hot mess when my gramps died. I was high as hell when he died too. That was a huge slap in the face for me. I have never experienced death so close to me before. I was so high and looking at his body in his bed and I couldnt even cry I was so high. After they took his body I had the hospice nurse drop me back off in the hood. I had wrecked my truck abotu a half hour before he passed. I believe for a reason. Becasue I wouldnt have been seen or heard from for days had I not.
Now with my grams brother passing last week. I didnt know him that well..But death just has a whole new meaning and raw reality for me now.
I am taking ym gram to the Dr for some tests on her lungs in about an hour. They have to knock her out for this. They said her left lung wasnt working right. I am just so afraid of her dieing. Terrified! I dont think I will come back from it. I cant help but think about it sometimes because I carry so much guilt and regret for what I have done with my life. Things I have done to her over the many years of using. And yet she still loves me and stands by me. And she really believes I will make it.
I wont have anyuoe like that when she is gone. Everyone else will just wash their hands of me. Its her that keeps everyone else on my isde after awhile.
My last relapse they told her to have me arrested. She would never do that.
I am just so afraid that I will run out of time like with my gramps. I dont want her dieing seeing me never be anything more than an addict.
I want to be able to just treat the way she deserves. Just something as simple as that.
You guys are right..I really need to talk to someone lese about this stuff.
It does F with my head alot.
I have 2 numbers that have been collecting dust for awhile. I think I am goin gto use them. I still am not with the meetings. But I think talking to a professional that deals with addiction is a good idea.
Thx again.
I have heard and know from experience that when things happen to you while using. It sorta burns in your mind and kinda tramatizes you.
Like a wheel on my car flew of the front end one night when I was high. Ever since then I will think that obsessively if I am in a car high. I was a complete hot mess when my gramps died. I was high as hell when he died too. That was a huge slap in the face for me. I have never experienced death so close to me before. I was so high and looking at his body in his bed and I couldnt even cry I was so high. After they took his body I had the hospice nurse drop me back off in the hood. I had wrecked my truck abotu a half hour before he passed. I believe for a reason. Becasue I wouldnt have been seen or heard from for days had I not.
Now with my grams brother passing last week. I didnt know him that well..But death just has a whole new meaning and raw reality for me now.
I am taking ym gram to the Dr for some tests on her lungs in about an hour. They have to knock her out for this. They said her left lung wasnt working right. I am just so afraid of her dieing. Terrified! I dont think I will come back from it. I cant help but think about it sometimes because I carry so much guilt and regret for what I have done with my life. Things I have done to her over the many years of using. And yet she still loves me and stands by me. And she really believes I will make it.
I wont have anyuoe like that when she is gone. Everyone else will just wash their hands of me. Its her that keeps everyone else on my isde after awhile.
My last relapse they told her to have me arrested. She would never do that.
I am just so afraid that I will run out of time like with my gramps. I dont want her dieing seeing me never be anything more than an addict.
I want to be able to just treat the way she deserves. Just something as simple as that.
You guys are right..I really need to talk to someone lese about this stuff.
It does F with my head alot.
I have 2 numbers that have been collecting dust for awhile. I think I am goin gto use them. I still am not with the meetings. But I think talking to a professional that deals with addiction is a good idea.
Thx again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
use the numbers Trish
and gotta say - you know noone will wash their hands of you here - not real friends....
you're part of the gang - as long as you keep coming to SR, you're not alone
I hope your grams makes a full recovery from whatever this is (((Trish)))
I'll send a prayer up
D
and gotta say - you know noone will wash their hands of you here - not real friends....
you're part of the gang - as long as you keep coming to SR, you're not alone
I hope your grams makes a full recovery from whatever this is (((Trish)))
I'll send a prayer up
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Chiy,
I just want to say that I have struggled with a death obsession since my mom died (2007). Keep writing. I appreciate your sharing. I know death is inevitable, but it is still gross.
Related to past use?, most likely, that and other stuff, you know?
I just want to say that I have struggled with a death obsession since my mom died (2007). Keep writing. I appreciate your sharing. I know death is inevitable, but it is still gross.
Related to past use?, most likely, that and other stuff, you know?
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