NYC_Chick

Hi all:

Long story short, it's been 5 months since I've spoken to my xabf. If you recall my previous threads, I sent him a very long letter after I hit my bottom with him and found out he had a new girlfriend and had had one since last summer. I intended for that to be my last contact with him. He emailed back several times to tell me essentially he was trying to decide between me and the new girlfriend (who has been with now for over a year). None of that mattered to me because I knew I was done when I sent the letter. Instead of dealing with that, I stopped using that email account. I have another one, so I let everyone know which one to use. I had it when we were together, so he started emailing that account. I blocked his emails a little over a month ago. It's been quiet until last week...

I did not change my phone number because I did not feel I needed to since he stuck to email. I also didn't change it because Ii knew I was strong enough to ignore him if he did call or text. Well, he started text messaging me last Saturday night to ask if I had gotten his emails. I ignored it, he texted again an hour or so later I ignored that. He got a new email account and started emailing me. I ignored that. Last night, I guess he was tired of being ignored. I was out on a date. The text messages started rolling in again around 11 p.m. Three of them. Then he decided to start calling because I ignored the tests. My ringer was off because, again, I was on a date. I woke up this morning and checked my email. Another email from another account.

I have not read his emails at all. The text just says he will keep trying to reach me and that he loves me. I am not jarred by the communication as much as I am by how to handle it.

I have been working on other issues in therapy that don't center around what happened with him the last few weeks, so I guess his alcoholic radar has kicked in that I've moved on; however, my codie side is spazing out a bit. I want him to stop contacting me, but feel that ANY contact with him will give him an indication that I'm willing to open the door a crack. I am not. I spoke with my therapist about this last week. She agreed to an extent, but said I could probably just tell him to stop contacting me and continue to ignore him.

All this contact tells me is that he is slipping further and further into his disease. I'm not sure if the girl broke up with him or what but I would assume if they were still together he would not be contacting me. Maybe they are still together and she's not providing enough drama. Who knows? Either way, I just need some advice as to what you all would do. Thanks for reading!!!

P.S. a phone number change is not possible as my best friend and his partner just left the county and he'll be checking in as he goes. I don't want to freak him out that the number is changed until he calls and I can tell him what I'm doing.

Still Waters

I tend to agree with Anvil, that opening that door would be bad. On the other hand, I would be worried that he'd try to speak with me in person if I continued to ignore him.

But..I'm a worrier.

CNMC2C

Earlier this year when my A XBF was contacting me after I had specifically told him never to contact me again, I was a little freaked out. My therapist helped me through that time. She made it very clear that I would regret responding to him in anyway and that no response from me made it very clear that I wasn't willing to play his game. She said that he was just progressing with his alcoholism and was probably just casting out fishing lines to all of his enablers(former and present) to see who would take the bait and be reeled back into his insanity, because he has to keep the crazy making going in his world. Thank goodness I listened to her. NO CONTACT.

Chrysalis123

Radio silence

Still Waters

"Houston, we have NO CONTACT"

laurie6781

I agree with above.

NO CONTACT

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.

Delete emails unread, delete text as soon as you see is from him, delete voice mail (7 on my phone, lol) as soon as you hear voice, etc

I too think he is just sending out feelers to former 'enablers' to see if any one 'bites.'

You are doing good in moving on, keep moving forward!

Love and hugs,

NYC_Chick

Thanks for all the replies!

I have to say this is a weird place to be in that I never thought I would get here. I look at my old posts and the person who wrote them seems so far away. I told my therapist I though after all this time he would stop contacting me. She said, and I kind of agree with, I have made a huge transformation in the last 5 months and done a lot of hard work on myself, so 5 months seems like a long time to me, but he is still in the same place, doing the same things, so 5 months to him is probably like yesterday.

I really wish he would stop hurting himself, but know there is nothing I can say or do to help him, so I'm going to keep moving forward and pray he has a good life and can be happy one day. I'm not sure if that's co-dependent or not, but he has so many gifts to offer and gives them all to alcohol, so it still makes me a little sad.

I really needed you all to remind me I was doing the right thing : )

ItsmeAlice

I really needed you all to remind me I was doing the right thing : )


That's where I want to be soon. No more reaching out first before I consider what that next right thing for me is going to be. I want to have a gut instinct that tells me something is right and then seek the validation and support rather than need someone to always tells me.

I agree that his girlfriend is probably backing off of him and he needs to stir up a replacement ASAP. The contact seems so urgent, ya know.

I say no contact. Not even to remind him that there's no contact coming.

Proud of you!!!

Alice

TakingCharge999

Probably he is lacking sex, or a driver, or a drink buddy, or someone to criticize and abuse. Active ones are so transparent. And no, if he is still drinking, nothing has changed at all, he is the same person or worse.

Glad your enabler days are over!!!!!!! Whew!!!!!

NYC_Chick

Alice: You'll get there! I put myself through hell before I realized it was either him or me who was going to make it out on the other side. Not that long ago, when it was early in no contact, I would still call people to make sure I did the right thing. It used to drive my friends crazy, but they liked that much better than me sobbing because I would talk to him and allow him to hurt me and suck me back in only to spit me back out, for lack of a better term.

You'll get there just like the rest of us have. It's so hard, though, so I know exactly where you are at because I was right there with you!

Hugs!

Lilly Burn

Ive been no contact with my STBEXAH since end Feb. He left to go and work on property abroad and rang to say he wasnt coming back. He had left me at least a dozen times during our marriage and I always begged him to come back. But this time I knew he had a game plan, he had a little money, thought he was "respected" where he was and could drink til the cows came home....Apart from having to talk to sort out getting his stuff, (even then I didnt see him) I have had no contact. Changed my email once he tried a few times through that, not once answered or responded to his phone calls, changed my mobile number completely. My sister then got emails from him asking for her help in contacting me..I would have to talk to him sometime. This is wrong I dont and wont. she told him she couldnt and didnt want to get involved. It would tear me up if i had to listen to anything he said so I avoid it. I dont have contact with my sister in law either sadly, one thing we have in common is her brother, hes let everyone down including his siblings, his children (not mine) and I got some solace from my sister in law initially, knowing it wasnt just about me and they were on my side so to speak, but couldnt help finding things out, so I choose not to know...The punch line is that he hasnt tried to contact me for six weeks maybe now and that eats at me, but not as much as his words would, so I grit my teeth and stick to my guns..as someone says here...radio silence. Do whats best for you, forget the rest and good luck.Lilly

TakingCharge999

The first days/weeks/months are the worse, it really dawns on you that person will no longer be part of your life... I suggest remembering all the times he made you feel bad... I got stuck in how wonderful he was before, etc etc and I suffered too much just seeing that part. The reality is that the bad stuff outweighs the good. And there are things that one should NEVER forget, for one's sake.

But it gets easier with time and when the news comes they are still drinking as hell then you realize there is nothing you have missed, really...

Let us know how you are doing no contact gets much easier with time!!!!!!

CNMC2C

Like TC, I work in the same industry as my A XBF. Last week, my friend who works in the industry shared with me how the A XBF was ending a meeting with his account bragging about how he has a new wife, but doesn't have to deal with her on a daily basis b/c she lives in another state and that he has 3 kids, but doesn't have to deal with them because they live in another state. He said that has he has it made. Then, he said that he couldn't wait for the weekend so that he could get drunk and possibly get high. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I know I should have stopped this person from telling me about this, but in a way it helped me to know that he hasn't changed. I've relapsed in the past few weeks in the magical thinking department. He is still drinking and insane. Now I have to get back on recovery road and continue working on stopping people from telling me about what he is up to, so that I can finally achieve complete no contact with him, because I know that hearing what he is up to is still a form of contact. Gosh, being addicted to drama is something I struggle with due to being raised by 2 dramatic parents. Thankfully the only drama I have in my life right now is a cat who steals my ponytail holders, but I let the drama back in last week when I listened to this person talk about A XBF. Of well, took 2 steps back but have to get back on track. I cannot beat myself up over this....I'm saying that more to remind myself than anything

Still Waters

My AH is still insane, and he's sober. Or was when I left.

But - his actions are still pure insanity. Sad.

TakingCharge999

Hearing those news hurt, but they really make you stronger... then you go totally no contact and when someone comments on the ex... you can actually feel a little bit less surprise. Take it from me, I have seen him daily and overheard his braggings and know his new gf. It comes to a point where you just no longer care and its not even about making sure no one comments on him, if that happens you just go "oh" and its not even worth writing about it in SR anymore nor occupying any more space in your heart and mind... mannnnnnnnnnnnnn is it a drag to get there... but indifference is a reward that is totally worth it