Setting boundaries - argh!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Setting boundaries - argh!
My first boundary that I set was that my husband leave after his frequent temper tantrums ended in physically hurting me one horrible night...
I don't know about you, but it seems that it's never just one boundary you have to set - but over and over again. And it is hard!
Since he left, he has not specifically asked me if he can come back - probably too proud to do the "I'm sorry - I'll never do it again, please take me back!" But he does come over a lot and asks me out to things constantly - all of which require a decision from me.
He has given me back the key - so he doesn't come and go to the house as he pleases. But it doesn't prevent him from knocking on my door and expecting to come and spend some time with me - or asking me out somewhere. Sometimes with his "charge" (he works with a gentle, disabled, severely autistic young man) or with his niece, who I love (and loves me!) - which I believe is part of the manipulation of getting me to say yes.
He has just a few minutes ago while I was on this website reading and replying to others' stories and struggles - knocked on the door with the guy he looks after and wanted to come in and see me. Despite last time reminding him of what I've requested.
Today, at the encouragement of my friend who is an ex-pastor and trainee counsellor, I have stood my ground for once - and said to him straight, while he's still standing on the doorstep: "No, you haven't arranged to come and see me. You haven't phoned or emailed me and I haven't agreed to your coming here today." Of course he tried the "I thought you would be happy to see me etc." but because I was direct and firm right at the start with no waivering or doubt, he simply accepted it in a slightly snotty manner and took himself off - of course, not without his parting shot "come on, we need to go, mate!" (his tone trying to make me feel guilty for having asked him to leave).
We have four months till our baby is born - at which time I have agreed a two week trial of him living here again - IF he gets help. He is seeing an alcohol & drug counsellor on Sunday, so I guess we'll see what happens. I don't know what's happened to me in the past week, but lately when he has come around or I've agreed to go to a movie with him or whatever, I have simply not enjoyed it. I feel uncomfortable around him. Because in the few weeks we've been apart he has got no help for himself, some of his blaming attitudes still come out even though I know he's trying to be on his best behaviour around me. And I just don't enjoy it anymore.
It's hard being on my own - but I prefer it to the life that was before. It does make me worry, though, that by the time we even try living together - perhaps I just won't want to anymore?
Anyway - hooray for me and sticking to my boundaries (trying not to feel bad about it)!
I don't know about you, but it seems that it's never just one boundary you have to set - but over and over again. And it is hard!
Since he left, he has not specifically asked me if he can come back - probably too proud to do the "I'm sorry - I'll never do it again, please take me back!" But he does come over a lot and asks me out to things constantly - all of which require a decision from me.
He has given me back the key - so he doesn't come and go to the house as he pleases. But it doesn't prevent him from knocking on my door and expecting to come and spend some time with me - or asking me out somewhere. Sometimes with his "charge" (he works with a gentle, disabled, severely autistic young man) or with his niece, who I love (and loves me!) - which I believe is part of the manipulation of getting me to say yes.
He has just a few minutes ago while I was on this website reading and replying to others' stories and struggles - knocked on the door with the guy he looks after and wanted to come in and see me. Despite last time reminding him of what I've requested.
Today, at the encouragement of my friend who is an ex-pastor and trainee counsellor, I have stood my ground for once - and said to him straight, while he's still standing on the doorstep: "No, you haven't arranged to come and see me. You haven't phoned or emailed me and I haven't agreed to your coming here today." Of course he tried the "I thought you would be happy to see me etc." but because I was direct and firm right at the start with no waivering or doubt, he simply accepted it in a slightly snotty manner and took himself off - of course, not without his parting shot "come on, we need to go, mate!" (his tone trying to make me feel guilty for having asked him to leave).
We have four months till our baby is born - at which time I have agreed a two week trial of him living here again - IF he gets help. He is seeing an alcohol & drug counsellor on Sunday, so I guess we'll see what happens. I don't know what's happened to me in the past week, but lately when he has come around or I've agreed to go to a movie with him or whatever, I have simply not enjoyed it. I feel uncomfortable around him. Because in the few weeks we've been apart he has got no help for himself, some of his blaming attitudes still come out even though I know he's trying to be on his best behaviour around me. And I just don't enjoy it anymore.
It's hard being on my own - but I prefer it to the life that was before. It does make me worry, though, that by the time we even try living together - perhaps I just won't want to anymore?
Anyway - hooray for me and sticking to my boundaries (trying not to feel bad about it)!
Member
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
Well, I have had "the big reaction". Tonight I got a message from facebook saying that my husband had changed his status from being married to me to "it's complicated." Naturally I phoned him up (I really did not want all my friends and family to see that status change and wondered where he was coming from). He informed me that he'd had enough of our marriage - that it was over and he was going to get a divorce. He also said that I had lied to our pastor (by telling him he was an alcoholic).
Talk about punishing me for making a boundary! He was in a foul temper tonight. He told me that I was a horrible person and that I had always been horrible to him, and that I fell out with everyone (he listed everyone I fell out with) and how I never looked at myself. And I need to take a long hard look at myself. And he told me that he had deleted all my family from his facebook page as well as deleted me as one of his "friends" on facebook. He said that he wished he didn't have to have anything more to do with me but unfortunately because of our son he would have to deal with me for the rest of his life. And he finished by yelling that I made him sick.
It was terrible. I am gutted at his words, and devastated that he is talking about divorce and how he feels about me, etc. My husband has always talked crap when he is angry, but I have always believed it - because I very rarely say things I don't mean. He says things he doesn't mean all the time, including his plans to change or to commit to something or whatever....
All this because I asked him to leave at the advice someone gave me because I had made a boundary that 1) I needed space, and 2) he needed to arrange it first before coming around??
It seems to destroy any hope I had of him being at a stage where he might be ready to get help for himself - or motivated to change in order to have his family back. As someone else described their husband/partner who's a dry-drunk, he's a complete a$%hole.
Talk about punishing me for making a boundary! He was in a foul temper tonight. He told me that I was a horrible person and that I had always been horrible to him, and that I fell out with everyone (he listed everyone I fell out with) and how I never looked at myself. And I need to take a long hard look at myself. And he told me that he had deleted all my family from his facebook page as well as deleted me as one of his "friends" on facebook. He said that he wished he didn't have to have anything more to do with me but unfortunately because of our son he would have to deal with me for the rest of his life. And he finished by yelling that I made him sick.
It was terrible. I am gutted at his words, and devastated that he is talking about divorce and how he feels about me, etc. My husband has always talked crap when he is angry, but I have always believed it - because I very rarely say things I don't mean. He says things he doesn't mean all the time, including his plans to change or to commit to something or whatever....
All this because I asked him to leave at the advice someone gave me because I had made a boundary that 1) I needed space, and 2) he needed to arrange it first before coming around??
It seems to destroy any hope I had of him being at a stage where he might be ready to get help for himself - or motivated to change in order to have his family back. As someone else described their husband/partner who's a dry-drunk, he's a complete a$%hole.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Boy.....................manipulation here we come.
There is nothing they won't say or do to get their way and it's all B.S. It;s just to be hurtful.
Setting boundaries is difficult but we need to stick to them otherwise they'll just run all over us.
I'm going through that now with my bf. we're separated for awhile until he gets help, if he does.
It's tough Beginner but try not to be hurt by what he says and does. It's a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.
Thanx
Ngaire
There is nothing they won't say or do to get their way and it's all B.S. It;s just to be hurtful.
Setting boundaries is difficult but we need to stick to them otherwise they'll just run all over us.
I'm going through that now with my bf. we're separated for awhile until he gets help, if he does.
It's tough Beginner but try not to be hurt by what he says and does. It's a 2 year old having a temper tantrum.
Thanx
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
It doesn't feel like it. He says "I don't care about you - I only care about the baby." He can't even commit to being supportive in the birth so that I have to now find someone else to be my birthing partner and attend ante-natal classes with me. I have no one. It's so painful.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Oh I'm so sorry *Big Hug*, what a nightmare. Many of us with alcoholic ex's have found that we lost our appeal to or A when we started setting boundaries. Many drunks just want a codie along for the ride. Once they figure out that you are absolutely done taking the bs, it's time for them to move on. If he doesn't get help, you and the baby are far better off without him. If he does get help, he very well may find his way back to you. In the mean time, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and and that baby
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I read a book called "Why does He do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me tremendously in understanding what I was up against. I am sorry you are going through all this while pregnant.
He is quacking at you to try and get his way and get things back to the way they were. My XAH did the same, and was absolutely furious that I suddenly grew a backbone and started looking out for myself and the children first. He rewrote our relationship, called me names, and made some terrible decisions that effected the children. As time goes on and my boundaries stay strong his behavior has been not as destructive.
My boundaries are all about what I will do, and have nothing to do with controlling his behavior in any way. I expect nothing from him... At first I felt such guilt for enforcing my boundaries because he would tell me I was a b*tch and other names. He knew exactly how to zero in on my weak spots and my character defect of people pleasing. Now, after lots of work and counseling I feel strong and healthy for acting like an emotionally healthy adult and his quacking seldom bothers me at all.
He is quacking at you to try and get his way and get things back to the way they were. My XAH did the same, and was absolutely furious that I suddenly grew a backbone and started looking out for myself and the children first. He rewrote our relationship, called me names, and made some terrible decisions that effected the children. As time goes on and my boundaries stay strong his behavior has been not as destructive.
My boundaries are all about what I will do, and have nothing to do with controlling his behavior in any way. I expect nothing from him... At first I felt such guilt for enforcing my boundaries because he would tell me I was a b*tch and other names. He knew exactly how to zero in on my weak spots and my character defect of people pleasing. Now, after lots of work and counseling I feel strong and healthy for acting like an emotionally healthy adult and his quacking seldom bothers me at all.
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