Dadtrying

Hi, I am a 40 something male with a wife and 3 kids. I think my wife is an alcoholic. She also smoke marijuana when she can. I should also mention that she has been diagnosed with depression and takes medication for it.

We have been together for 10 years (Married 7). Her father is an alcoholic/drug user, her Mom is an alcoholic/drug user, one sister is also an alcoholic/drug user and her other sister I know smokes mj.

Now my wife was "different" when I met her. "Not me", she said, "this apple rolled far away from the tree". She was, and I know there is a nice person inside somewhere that I fell in love with, I just can't find her.

My wife has become increasingly worse over the years. She has been violent, though not as much today as in the past. She drinks during the week and more on the weekends. Not everyday but often. If we go over her mom's for a visit its a 12 pack of beer. She also drinks rum and will kill more than half the bottle in a few hours.

She adds marijuana, against my desires, to it on occasion with her prescribed medicine. She had also been addicted to Percocet in the past that was tough to recover from.

Since June she has been drunk on Friday night so bad that we would fight about it and she would leave and not come home until Sunday or Monday for four weekends. She would call once "the party' was over and want to 'come home". She doesn't remember much of the fight and blames me for trying to control her and being mean. Once she comes to her senses she agrees she needs help an appolgozes for being how she is. She has admitted that she does not know who she is when she acts like that sober or not. (might be bipolar)

Needless to say she never gets help an the cycle repeats itself over and over. She tells her alcoholic family that I am controlling and blames me for her problems.

Last Friday she took off with the middle daughter who has special needs. Left our son with me. She went to her mom's house and there was a big fight where the police were called and she calle dme crying for a favor. I asked her why and she gave me the guilty "forget it' and hung up. She spent the night in a motel room with the kid. The next day she calls to "come home" and I say yes, partial for the kids sake, but she needs to agree to certain things. She comes in and agrees and then an hour later tells me off and says she wants a divorce and she is done with me. We are still not on good terms and she says she is getting her own place and taking the kids.

I told her I would fight for the kids (custody)and their home and if she wanted out she could leave. She said "not without my babies". today my goal is to care for my family and home and let her be. If she wants help I will give it to her. If she doesn't the marriage will run its course and end. I just need to make sure my kids exposure is limited and they are safe.

There is alot to this story but I have typed enough already. What should I do.

Dadtrying

It's Wednesday and I planned on going to an Alanon meeting but my wife, who i had not seen drinking since Monday bought a 12 pack and is 4 into already. In less than 2 hours. My wife doesn't work and I work hard/long to maintain our week to week living. She has dont nothing but sit around watching TV for the past 2 days. I came home today and did the dishes (in the sink since last week). I did them because of advice to do what is good for me and my family. She was outside with the neighbor she was drinking with Friday night and I am sure she was smirking and saying that I was in the house doing the dishes out of guilt for being so mean and controlling. No doubt she thinks i am kissing her rear. The house is constantly a mess, I haven't seen the floor in the laundry room in a year. Dishes in the sink no food in the fridge. I now find myself working enough to make the bills and coming home to do all of the household chores as well, while she sits around watching me.

I guess my question is, we have the three kids, how do I go to a meeting while she is drinking and leave them with her. I do not have many resources and she would blow a gasket if I said I was going and I was taking the kids somewhere else. i was not going to let her know I was going to the meetings.

Astro

Are there any kid-friendly meetings or Al-A-Teen meetings in your area? We have meetings here that offer sitters while the meeting is going.

Welcome to SR, glad you've found us. That's a lot of turmoil but it's good to know you're taking care of yourself and your children.

sandrawg

Wow, there are so many things I could say about this situation that have been said a million times on this forum-alcoholics behave in textbook ways, your wife is no different.

I would suggest first thing--check out an al-anon meeting. If that doesn't sit well with you, get some support of some kind. coming here is a good first step-many wise people w/ a lot of similar experiences.

Check out Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. I'm reading it now-it's made light bulbs go off in my head. You have been so focused on her and her needs, you've forgotten how to take care of yourself. That book will help you identify, how did you end up in this crazy situation, how can you deal with it, and how can you live a better life, either with or w/out the alcoholic?

Many of us are in varying stages of our codependency. Some of us, like me, couldn't handle having our boundaries constantly crossed and our lives turned upside down and decided for our own sanity and health, to leave the alcoholics in our lives.

Some are still enduring their own personal h*ll "for the sake of the children" or because they can't fathom being alone or for many other reasons, but many of them are on the brink of leaving as well.

I would suggest reading the stickies and learn as much as you can about the disease. Information is power.

I'm soo sorry you're going through this.

sandrawg

Just gotta ask-do you really thing this environment of chaos, drinking, and barely controlled anger and resentment is good for your kids?

Is a mother who's unstable, angry, violent, unpredictable...better than no mother at all?

I would ask adult children of alcoholics what they think. Perhaps you will get a chance to meet some on SR and maybe in al-anon if you do manage to make it.

I am not sure why you would bring your wife to an al-anon meeting. I think al-anon is specifically for loved ones of As, and wouldn't you like ot be able to share without feeling like you have to be guarded, or couch your words cuz she's there? Just a thought.

Still Waters

Yes, look for some kid-friendly meetings.

And as for this:
What's the worst that can happen if she blows a gasket? She'll drink? She'll leave? She'll not do any housework? She's already doing all these things.

Think about it this way, if the marriage dies and she does fight you in court for the children, it can only work in your favor to show you've been getting help for yourself via al-anon.

FSquared

Sorry you're experiencing this. You're thinking and looking in the right places. Get to some Al Anon meetings and keep reading and posting here and other support forums. There's a lot of wisdom here...born of experiences not much different than yours.

GiveLove

Dear dad,

I am an adult child of alcoholics and I can tell you that, had I had even one parent who was willing to fight for me, to get me away from the madness of addiction, it would have saved me twenty years of intense suffering, thousands of dollars in therapy, and several damaging relationships.

Children learn what they live. Your children, in their current situation, are learning how to craft their own family in the future: a normal mom is an alcoholic nut job who doesn't do anything, but that's okay with dad, his task is to be Daddy Wallet for all of us, so it must be alright. I get jerked around and screamed at and the police come and we sleep in a hotel and that's NORMAL. See what I mean? I see people from similar situations whose teenagers start to get into psycho, drug-related behaviors and it mystifies me why they couldnt' see it coming. Chaos is what they learned, chaos is what they are familiar and comfortable with.

I hope you can find a way to protect them from having to see this, live this, and grow into this themselves. Me? I would be gathering evidence, taking pictures, and talking to an attorney about how to build a case for full custody. It's obvious she has no intention of seeking sobriety, let alone recovery, at this time, and she continues to damage your kids.

I know there are other fathers here who are in various stages of 'rescuing' their children, and I hope they'll chime in with their experience, strength, and hope.


GL

Dadtrying

Thank you for teh responses. Sandrawg I never said I was going to bring her to the meeting.

sandrawg

Oh, apologies. I mis-read your post. That's what I get for multi-tasking

coyote21

Welcome Dad,

Man I'm so sorry to read your post. You are living my exact life from 3 years ago, and I might add I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. You are married to my xaw and you have my inlaws as well, the only difference is that I've got only one kid to protect and save.

I was very lost and had not a clue where to begin to try and extricate myself form the same mess you find yourself in. I began to go to Alanon meetings at the advice of my then boss's boss, who had 20 some years in AA.

I wasn't able to leave my 4 yr old dd with my out of work/out of control wife, so she had to stay in daycare, couldn't trust my wife to even pick her up the 3 days a week I worked late. I enlisted the help of a neighbor/friend for that for a year. She (the neighbor) finally said she couldn't do it (p/u dd) any more because of all the alcoholic nonsense she was being exposed to. This was after my wife took a header out a kitchen window and landed on her head on the side walk below. Just another day in the life of an alcoholic.

Any who, they say nothing changes if nothing changes....so my neighbor was the catalyst for change, thank God. The very first Monday axw was to pick up dd, she did so snot slinging drunk and the daycare called CPS (child protective services), which they are obligated to do. I quit drinking, (I was a drunk as well...but not as bad as her...Ha!) began praying, and began to protect my 4 yo dd instead of my 30 something raging alcoholic wife.

Exactly 2 weeks to the day, CPS knocked on our door and since I wasn't at all surprised, axw to this day believes I was the one who called them. I wish I'd had the balls to do that then. I took all the classes, jumped through all the hoops, and they said all I had to do to get dd back was to quit drinking. The judge sentenced me to Alanon, and I still go today. Next week I'll pick up my 3 year chip. Got my 3 year chip from AA several months ago.

My wife couldn't quit drinking and was sentenced to 30 day rehab. Long story short, she still drinks, doesn't work, hardly sees her kid.

I'm happily divorced and after two 6 hour custody battles have had sole custody of my now 8 yo (next week) little girl for the last 2 years. I'll be 57 next week and I can promise you I couldn't gotten through "those" years (the ones you are in now) with out help from HP (higher power, who btw I didn't believe in till this sh!t storm started), and oddly enough I'd NEVER have gotten custody with out the kind folks at CPS.

Oh not to forget Alanon and the kind folks here at SR, where I lurked for 2 years...that may be some kind of SR record!

Any way, hang in there and calling CPS yourself might not be a bad idea. But I'd talk to a family law atty first. Good luck, and remember your kids deserve to be protected, not your grown wife. I had a little trouble getting that at first.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Bernadette

from coyote: remember your kids deserve to be protected, not your grown wife.

AMEN to that! True-er words were never spoken!

Welcome dadtrying! Keep trying! Keep seeking and accepting help. Let her quack and scream and rant and rave all she wants. You just do the next right thing!

Stick around-- glad you're here!
peace,
b

MeHandle

Get a support group behind you and your kids( besides on the computer:-)
Document all her abuses and get a lawyer. Secure your kids stay in their home and
get her out of the house.

This is a good time to mention this: If one parent gets into legal trouble or for some reason someone were to call the state family service department, then lets say if it comes to light she is smoking marj in your home , the state must check to see if the other parent is also neglectful for letting this into there home, therefore removing the children from both parents.

The way the state looks at things is if one parent is being neglectful and the other parent has taken no appropriate measure to protect the child from that parent, then the other parent is also guilty of neglect.

This is how I ended up being the foster parent to my niece. Something "unexpected" happened and Family services end up being called in to.

Just some shared experience, thought maybe it might be worth sharing here now. My husband is a "functional" alcoholic. Happened to be his 'good years' when we got me niece. However, my sister was a drug addict. When this unexpected incident happened both parents were present. Even though one was not high it didn't matter. Child was taken because both parents were deemed neglectful for allow the child to be in the envoirnment.

coyote21

Thanks MeHandle, this is true. CPS told me if I allowed axw back into our home after rehab, and she relapsed, their next move would be to remove dd from BOTH of us.

That is the exact point in time when I knew my marriage was over. The stakes were too high.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. BTW, my kid has a meeting bag of stuff to play with/do , and sits in the hall during the meetings. There's often another kid there for her company. Alanoners understand we can't always leave our kids at home. I always sit next to the door so her 3 or 4 "interruptions" aren't too distracting.

Dadtrying

OK, this is how Wednesday finished. She went to the "movies" with her aunt which ended up actually being drinking and smoking with her 20 year old cousin and her younger friend all night. Lies about where she was and what she was doing. One fact she could not hide was she was so drunk she threw up in the driveway and slept on the bathroom floor ( I have pictures ).

This morning I dropped her of at a local detox/pshychiatric hospital for a 4 day inpatient stay followed by intensive 8 week outpatient program that requires attendance Monday - Thursday. In addition she needs to have separate therapy.

I know this isn't the end but for the first time she asked to go away and even said she wanted to rid herself of her prescribed medication she has become addicted to.

If this works fantastic, if it doesn't it certainly will help me with custody should that become the only answer.

smacked

A step in the right direction at least. I hope for all of you that she takes every opportunity at a sober life that is presented to her in the program.

beginner

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I feel for you, it's not easy at all...

She certainly sounds like and behaves like an alcoholic, and she needs help. Unfortunately, though, you're not going to be able to provide that level of help for her - except to give her information about a rehabilitation programme and ongoing treatment/meetings such as AA afterwards. The two go hand-in-hand in my opinion. I would say, though, that she is not even prepared to admit that she has a drinking problem until AFTER the terrible events in the cycle you mentioned. After that, she no doubt goes back into her denial. You can't pull her out of her denial. All you can do is give her that information (about rehab and AA or similar) that's local to you, and leave it with her. I see (now editing my post) that you've dropped her off into a treatment program. Depending on how "ready" she is to get help for herself, as you said - this may or may not work, and if it does, it will be the beginning of a long road most likely with many relapses dotted along the way.

At this point, the first thing you need to do is get support for yourself. There is a lot of support out there - and the one that I highly recommend which I go to myself is Al-Anon. There will be local weekly meetings happen close to where you live - on almost every day of the week, so you can attend as many times during the week as you feel you need it. Sometimes it takes a little while to settle into a group where you feel you "fit" - so don't be discouraged if the first group you try doesn't seem right for you. Try another group elsewhere.

It sounds as if she is threatening to leave you - but not without the children. You would certainly have grounds for custody because of her alcoholism and drug use. I think you should seek legal advice with regards to this, because she may one day just up and leave with the children and you have no idea where she's gone. Her behaviour sounds erratic enough to do this. And I most certainly would not leave the children with her being the only adult responsible for them. She is not trustworthy at all and in a complete mess by the sounds of things. So she gets mad if you take them somewhere else to be cared for? Too bad. It's the price she has to pay for making the choices she has made. And you can't spend your life trying not to make her mad, tiptoeing around her - afraid of upsetting the apple cart. You've got to do what is right for you and what is right for your kids. I told my husband I was going to Al-Anon purposely. He criticised me for it to begin with and thought all I did was complain about him - but I would calmly explain that I was going for myself, to work on my own issues. Each week that I went and he didn't go to AA, I believe, spoke (and continues to speak) volumes to him. I am living out and being an example of something he needs to do himself - I am getting help and support.

Secondly, perhaps you are also thinking separating/divorcing might be the best option for you and your children? I'm not sure if you are, but if there is a risk that she leaves and takes the children, this might be something you should discuss with your lawyer along with the whole custody issue.

I really commend you on putting your children first and your desire to protect them. I'd recommend to you that if you have any teenage children, that you encourage them to attend Al-Ateen, otherwise you may find your teenage children develop delinquint behaviour or other behavioural problems - and may well develop a drinking/drugs problem themselves - they are more likely to with an alcoholic/drug-dependent mother and with alcoholism so prevalent in their family history and genetic make-up. And being exposed to all of this in their daily life - I feel for them.

I hope that helps. I realise now in hindsight having read all the other replies that we are all saying the same thing to you - so they must be good suggestions!

Keep coming back here and finding support with us, too - feel free to discuss any issues that come up for you, we'd be happy to be here for you the best we can. In the meantime, knowledge and support are your keys at this time - and I highly recommend you read and seek out agencies like Al-Anon. All the best..

Dadtrying

UPDATE:

Ok, the 4 (actually 5 days, 4 nights.) treatment went well. She seemed to be invloved and even went as far as getting off of prescriprtion medication that is addictive. She was happy to see the kids and got home and really tried to be happy. This lasted for a few days. "Jokes" about drinking and drugs. Lazy, do nothing attitude remains. Still goes from happy to depressed to angry in a short span. One minute she hates me the next she is sad and sorry.

I am tired of taking care of another child. Still blaming me for her unhappiness. Still sits around all day on the computer (facebook) or watching TV or "napping" (just resting my eyes.) Since she has been back (2weeks) she has suffered from migrane headaches, flu, back and neck pain and allergies. These are all the reasons for not being able to function. I still work more than 40 hours a week and have to come home to 4 kids.

She did NOT attend the intense outpatient program because she didnt have the time. Who is gonna take care of the kids?

She has not gone to one AA meeting. I might see someone I know?

She has had one therapy session to deal with her depression.

I'm tired. :help

catlovermi

Hi DadTrying,

You have two choices:

1. Sit around, suffering and sustaining damage, waiting to see if your wife ever decides to do whatever it takes to become a sober, productive, adult contributor to society and your household, or

2. Decide you are going to do whatever it takes to make an environment for you and your children that is healthy and not ruled by addiction or addictive dysfunctional behaviors*. (*Addicts escape. They escape reality, they escape responsibility, they escape maturity.)

It's quite simple, but not easy by any means.

You have no control over 1) and complete control over 2).

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

naive

hi dad-

well, she certainly doesn't sound as if she is embracing her recovery.

may i ask who is caring for the children while you are at work? is it her? if so, is that safe for them?

i'm with cat and anvil, your two choices are clear.

we're here, keep talking!

naive