DRJMW

I posted on Friends & Family of Alcoholics but meant to post here - still learning my way around.

I am new to SR. I have been reading a lot on SR for the past few months and felt it was time to tell my story and reach out for any help I can get.

My husband is an addict which still pains me to say. His DOC was/is Oxy’s. I am still unclear how it all started. He was prescribed Percocet for back pain and had surgery back in Feb 2008. His addiction started I think a few months prior. Our xneighbor would do oxy “recreationally” with my husband and show him different ways to use. I had no idea until April of 2008 when he got caught stealing from his work after hours by the police when he was suppose to be playing cards. Thankfully the union was able to get him to detox and then a halfway house for 6 months. I thought my whole world had come to a crashing end. I was left behind with our two small children (4&5 at the time), no money left in any accounts (even the kids money was gone). No bills had been paid, house was going into foreclosure, and my car had been reposed a few weeks prior.

I had been so dependent on my husband I didn’t know what to do. With the support of my family and his family I somehow made it through and got everything on track. I even found my independent self that had been lost for so many years. He came home just before Thanksgiving and I thought everything was going great – and it was at first. Well in April my AH got laid off and struggled with depression. Well needless to say he relapsed for a two week bend (so he says).

He is trying to work this himself this time, but it has been extremely difficult for me. At least when he was at the ½ way house he was being tested so I knew he was clean at all times. I just don’t know what to believe. I think he is staying clean. He has no access to money. I am just finding myself so lost again. I have days where I just cry for no reason. Yesterday and today are one of those days.

I have started to see a councilor and at our last session she said she wanted him to join us. That meeting is today and I don’t know why but I am so nervous.

I am a completely different person when he is not around. A person that I like, with patience for my children. I am always on edge when he is around and I know my kids are feeling it. What does this mean? I know I love my husband. I am scared that we will not make it through this. It has been so exhausting to me. How do I learn to trust him again? or will I ever be able to. I still find myself sneaking around and trying to look for things to catch him and I just get so consumed in it.

MsPINKAcres

So glad you are reaching out for help for YOU!

As for what happens in his recovery - as hard as it is may be - it is his business.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

But what you can do is seek recovery for YOU - the counselor is a great thing - maybe also you could find some AL-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, keep posting here, seek what is your Higher Power's BEST for you and your children.

You have been thru some tremendous emotional stuff sweetie - give yourself some time to process it and then hopefully you will find out what is HEALTHY for you - regardless of what your AH decides to do.

You have options and choices - consider those and what is the best for you and your children.

HUGS,
Rita

Chino

You found yourself again when he was gone. Now that he's home relapsing and out of work, could you be losing yourself again with all that togetherness?

Everyone needs space and I've recently discovered I need a lot of it. Maybe because I am co-dependent?

BigSis

I figure - they "trained" us to not trust them. When we get retrained, we might trust again. Until then - not so much.

I try to protect myself from my kid - changed debit pin numbers, got a lock on the bedroom door and the garage door, and store my 'portable valuables' there. And that's in response to her actions in active addiction.

I don't WANT to have to be able to "tell" if she is using, so I just make my self safe and don't worry if she is using or not. The boundarys are this: She can only be in our house when I am home, and even at that - locks on the bedroom door and garage.

She doesn't have to like it, it isn't about pleasing her, it is about protecting me.


He isn't "normal", so your reactions to his active addictions won't look like "normal" reactions. But what you feel sounds very much like what many of us go through. Sometimes, you just have to keep walking... things won't stay the same, and whether he gets better or not - YOU (and me) can still have a good life.

Alanon meetings saved my butt... literally. They helped me focus on my needs, so I could draw better boundaries, keep some love and kindness for the addict and still live a peaceful life. If you haven't tried some, I urge you to give them a try.

((hugs))

TrainWreckAgain

My experience is that there are almost no addicts who can "work it on their own." Saying that they are working it on their own is just a way of appeasing us... to keep us thinking they are trying. It is about trying... trying to manipulate us into letting them use and get away with it.

DRJMW

Thank you all for your responses and support.

The meeting with the counselor went well I thought. I was able to let him know how I am feeling and what this is doing to me. He agreed to find out if his pcp would do weekly drug tests to give me a little peace of mind for a while. We ended up talking a little more last night at home - which went well also. Either he is really trying or is manipulating the sh... out of me.

I went to bed feeling pretty good until I had a horrible dream - he relapses again and I catch him with multiple needles hanging out of him. I think I had this thought in the back of my mind cause my father in law asked me yesterday how he was doing when he dropped off my kids. He said his son (my ah's step brother) was conerned he saw marks on his arms and to ask him about it but don't tell my AH that this came from his step brother. Today I am really angry about this and don't know what to do. Why is it me that has to confront my AH all the time. Why is it my responsability! Why can't someone else confront him for a change if they are concerned. I have my own concerns why do I have to have the weight of everyone else's concerns. Its not fair. Ohh! I am so fired up right now.

I tried al-anon (only once) but I was really uncomfortable. Everyone was really nice and supportive. If I don't know you I am a very shy person and the whole thing was just extremely uncomfortable to me. I guess thats why I have reached out online and to a one on one counselor.

I am reading books on codependecy - right now I am reading "Codependence and the power of detachment". Hope it helps.