Rules of Engagement
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 679
Rules of Engagement
I recently took a class on counseling. In the first session the teacher presented a set of "rules" for the running of the classroom and how students should engage both with each other and the ideas. It is interesting to be in a class taught by a therapist because he ran it sort of like group therapy. I have kept these rules in mind in general because they can apply to all areas of life. I have found that they particularly apply to participating on this board. They can help me understand other people's points of view and respond. I thought I would write them out in case they might help some other people (I am just copying my notes from class— this isn't a handout otherwise it would be better written 
):
1. Try On: for "know-it-alls," need to hear and hold a new idea long enough before deciding an opinion about it, no snap judgment
2. It's Okay to Disagree: I personally love to have a dissenting opinion what was interesting to me was when we went around the classroom how many students said that it was very difficult for them to disagree. In my case it is almost hard to agree
3. Not okay to shame, blame attack self or others: need to learn to hold your own truth and not be ashamed of it, on this one the self-deprecating part was hard as I tend to do that in a humorous way while speaking
4. Practice Self-Focus: Use "I" statements, there is no collective "we" in this room (or in this case I guess you could say on this board...)
5. Notice Process and Content: Process is the how people say things, content is the what they are talking about. Are they uncomfortable while talking about something? I think this is where the internet is difficult. It is almost impossible to notice process. There is only content. Therefore there can be a lot of emotion behind someone's words which doesn't come through necessarily, sometimes that emotion may not be the expected one and the reactions of others may not be what he or she wants.
6. Practice Both/And Thinking: Multiple realities can be right, the rightness of my experience does not negate the rightness of your experience. Notice how you are using the word "but" in statements
7. Confidentiality
8. Notice Intent and Impact: This sometimes is difficult on the internet as well since one cannot see people but it is about when what we intend to communicate is received very differently, if you notice that it impacted someone differently than intended, figure out how it impacted them exactly and then say didn't mean it in that way.
In class we went through them slowly and thought about which ones were our strengths and weaknesses. I find them really helpful at communicating with others about emotionally charged topics where opinions can differ (um, recovery). They may not all speak to you but I thought I would share.
):1. Try On: for "know-it-alls," need to hear and hold a new idea long enough before deciding an opinion about it, no snap judgment
2. It's Okay to Disagree: I personally love to have a dissenting opinion what was interesting to me was when we went around the classroom how many students said that it was very difficult for them to disagree. In my case it is almost hard to agree
3. Not okay to shame, blame attack self or others: need to learn to hold your own truth and not be ashamed of it, on this one the self-deprecating part was hard as I tend to do that in a humorous way while speaking
4. Practice Self-Focus: Use "I" statements, there is no collective "we" in this room (or in this case I guess you could say on this board...)
5. Notice Process and Content: Process is the how people say things, content is the what they are talking about. Are they uncomfortable while talking about something? I think this is where the internet is difficult. It is almost impossible to notice process. There is only content. Therefore there can be a lot of emotion behind someone's words which doesn't come through necessarily, sometimes that emotion may not be the expected one and the reactions of others may not be what he or she wants.
6. Practice Both/And Thinking: Multiple realities can be right, the rightness of my experience does not negate the rightness of your experience. Notice how you are using the word "but" in statements
7. Confidentiality
8. Notice Intent and Impact: This sometimes is difficult on the internet as well since one cannot see people but it is about when what we intend to communicate is received very differently, if you notice that it impacted someone differently than intended, figure out how it impacted them exactly and then say didn't mean it in that way.
In class we went through them slowly and thought about which ones were our strengths and weaknesses. I find them really helpful at communicating with others about emotionally charged topics where opinions can differ (um, recovery). They may not all speak to you but I thought I would share.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Thanks FG.....that was interesting
Here are the ones we use on SR
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
Here are the ones we use on SR
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-tips.html
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