boonie

Hi folks! What a great forum, glad I found it (actually re-posting here cause the kind folks over in the newbie forum told me about this one!).
I admitted to myself two years ago that I was an alcoholic, too late not to keep from losing my new home and separate from my wife of 20 years though. I thought I had it all figured out and I just needed to be on my own, yeah right! I think I just wanted to drink and party and run from reality, still thinking I was in my 20's and not my 40's.
So I hit bottom real quick after that, after having thrown it all away that is. I wound up in a recovery program and tested the waters of AA. I keep trying to go it on my own but like we all know IT JUST WON'T WORK!! I've had 3 relapses in the last two years, the most recent July 5 and it was a dozy. I had quit the meetings 6 months ago, partly cause of major back surgery, which I then turned into an excuse (always excuses).
So I'm back again to meetings. The reason I say I struggle with step 1 is not that I can't admit to myself that I'm powerless (or can I really?) it's that I can't abide with the truth that I know I'm powerless, of course as I read that I feel there is more to that than I can figure out at this moment??
I've also discovered a fear of the white chip? Just this morning I think it hit me where that fear comes from, I feel that if I have the white chip it may become a symbol of failure if I relapse again, just how I think. I've beaten myself up for years thinking I've been a failure, hence running to the bottle for comfort.
I'll close here for now but I'm glad to be here and hope that I can contribute to someone else's recovery eventually, that would give me purpose which I need in my life right now, purpose that I feel my Higher Power means for me!!

Thx for lettin' me share
boonie

stone

That is step 1 IMO.

MycoolFitz

Glad you're here and thinks for the post.I struggled with Step 1 for years, as I stuggled with getting sober for years. Then I thought I had it so I might as well keep drinking,afterall, I was an alcoholic, thats what we do. Finally when I seemed to have lost everything but my life and I was thinking of losing that I realized the whole step, powerless and more importantly the unmanagebility of my life. Sick, tired, alone, drunk and suicidal, I just surrendered totally, and in my total surrender I became free. Today I am sober and reasonably happy, putting my life together moment by moment.I am an alcoholic, it is a primary, chronic, progressive, and fatal disease (if not treated) and I am powerless over its affects if not treated--like a diabetic eating sweets or not taking insulin. I can recover if I don't pick up, moment by moment, day by day, forever and ever. I just can't be cured. Pick up and I'm back at square 1 and worse. I'm powerless over my disease but not powerless over my choices and action. In not picking up moment by moment I feel I have gained true power and genuine freedom for the first time in my life. Its wonderful, I wish it for everyone,may you find it now.

louis

Hey...

You've helped someone now... you have pt into words my fear of the white chip... or any chip...
I cant bring myself to collect them.... I was given a 24hr chip and it scared me... like you it COULD represent failure...
I would not pick up another chip... but as i struggle talking in meetings a friend gave me a stone i call my 'talking chip'... it was given to me at 3 months.... and i guess i use it as my 3 months chip... i carry it everywhere... not to scare me into remembering i might fail but to remind me of how far i have come.....

So thankyou for my reminder.... i hope you find peace with yourself
louis

McGowdog

Hey Boonie. Welcome to SR. Sorry to hear of your loss of home and marriage. That's a toughie. Been through that. Drank over that.

Now that you've posted over here in the step 1 subforum, I'll comment.

Whether you're an alcoholic or not is totally up to you to find out. Admitting you're an alcoholic two years ago was a good start... two years ago. You may have missed something. You may not have. In any case, this is what I do; I do steps yearly. That includes going head to head with the 1st Step. Am I an alcoholic? Am I not? The path of consideration here is a huge deal for us.

What if I am NOT an alcoholic? Maybe I can just decide to stay away from the 1st drink and stay that way. Maybe I can control my drinking, drink 2 and stop. I go into my experience with this; have I tried to control my drinking once I started? How did that go? Am I a situational drinker? Once all of my troubles are behind me, I can drink normally again. Once I grow up... ah, too late for that.

Maybe I AM an alcoholic. What does that mean? It means a lot more than just abstaining from alcohol. Ask yourself this; how far can you go in this world on your power? How are you with making a living, personal relationships... including yourself, how are you with being of usefulness to others, are you prey to misery and depression? Could you use some Power here? Maybe you don't need A.A. to get this. Maybe a church, or a psychiatrist, a counselor, the gym, education... Maybe there's some ritual you can do... like just go to meetings and don't do any steps. Let the group be your higher power.

But if you find that you ARE an alcoholic and you want to quit for good and all and are willing to do a few things to achieve a useful happy sober life, you may want to try the steps. If this is the case, get that book out and read all of those words, not just words like powerless and surrender.

When I read the proposals of the 1st Step, I don't see them as questions begging answers... but just sit with the words for a bit and experience that. I experience hopelessness or powerlessness. I realize that my life on my own power will not work. The book talks about this in the 3rd Step I believe; I don't have a book handy, but "Any life run on self will is bound to fail." And if I'm not mistaken, that realization is the "first requirement."

So are you going to do these steps or not? Are you going to give A.A. a shot or not? Are you going to write that inventory, 5th Step it, ask God to remove all of your defects of character... the bad stuff, and the good stuff? Are you going to make a list, make all of your amends, pray and meditate, pitch a new drunk?

It's up to you, Bud. Either you're going to do this stuff or you're not. In that sense, you are not powerless... hopeless.

But relapsing is NOT ok. Either get in or get out. If you're gonna do A.A., do it all the way. Or as the book says, "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps." But if you're not going to do A.A. and do something else, you're gonna have to go all the way with it.

But as you know, we're not here to persuade you one way or the other. As you know, booze does that.

I'm here to tell you that A.A. really works, but so few get in and do it. Go to any convention anywhere in the world and compare the number of young sobriety to old sobriety. Why is that? Do the oldtimers go to some other convention? Go to that convention again a year later; same number of people, but different people. We don't all make it. Be one of the ones that do. I am... no matter what. And I'm doing it in A.A.

boonie

Thanks for the feedback everyone.....I do tend to forget the second part of the equation, life had become unmanageable. So I know without a doubt that I cannot drink and if I do my life will fall back into disarray and there is no telling what will happen. It's good to be sober today and there's nothing like waking up in the morning knowing you made it through another 24 hours and that life can be good!

McGowdog

Well...thanks for checking back in here.

Now, I'm gonna ask you to consider something. Maybe the elimination of booze is only one half the equation here, right? Getting off the booze is essential for being sober (there's some airtight logic! ), but for continued and healthy sobriety, maybe I need to consider if I'm going to do the rest of the 12 steps or not.

Do you want to live? Do you want to live a fulfulling and happy life? Where are you with God? Do you need to seek and make the connections with God? How's life on your own power? Would you be willing to let God take you further in every area of your life? What are you willing to do to get and stay sober? Once you get this deal, are you willing to help others out?

Let's not forget what the step before the step says, "If you want what we have and are willing to go to any lengths to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps."

That's the way I understand the steps anyway.

soberlolo

New to the forum and relpying to boonie's post.

Stopping drinking was not my problem, staying stopped was. I see in the past, left to my best thinking, I got drunk and harmed a lot of people. As the BB states, "one more attempt, one more failure," when it came to taking that first drink. I see that I always set conditions on my soberity; however, when I was down at my bottom, I became desperate and there was a window of opporutnity, not by choice but out of total desperation, which would get me out of my Higher Power's way to allow a miracle to happen.

What is the miracle?......

.....The day when the great obsession to drink was removed.....

If we keep doing what we are doing, we will keep getting what we are getting. I have found for myself engaging in a Program of Action has lead me to the God of my understanding and a design for living that really works.

ClayTheScribe

I was sober for 26 days until Friday. I found my relapse to ultimately be helpful, once I got over the shame (going to AA helped). I truly understood Step One better than I had before. When I drink, I truly am powerless to how much I drink and how it affects me, positively and negatively, though more negative. After I tore down the magnets on the refrigerator and my Mom noticed, they laid down stricter house rules. That taught me that drinking had made my life unmanageable.

I think the reason we forget this when we relapse is because the alcoholism seems to shield you from your long-term memory and sets in a sort of amnesia, so you forget how bad it was the last time you relapsed. That's why I find it helpful to write how I felt the day after relapsing either here or elsewhere so there's a permanent record you can refer to when you feel like drinking again. I graduate college in less than a week and my graduation party is in two weeks and I want to celebrate with alcohol so bad, but I understand my fears about entering the work world would be amplified and I'd just embarrass myself.

As far as the chips go, I would just look at them as a point of accomplishment and a reminder when you do relapse what you're capable of achieving again if you commit yourself to recovery.

Good luck

least

I understand how you feel about the chips. There's one guy in my home group who told me how many first chips he'd collected, for all the times he tried and failed to stop drinking. But he finally 'got it' and so can you and I.

The analogy was given me a long time ago here that surrendering to your powerlessness over alcohol was kind of like fighting with Mike Tyson. You can't win so why keep doing it? Surrendering to it is saying you won't fight it any more. You'll just stop fighting. Why fight when I can't win?

Firehazard

Thanks for the post Boonie, It reminds me of how hard and how many struggles it took to accept the second part of the first step. "That our lives had become unmanageable" I could always put a spin on my situations to make them more manageable, to make myself feel above it all, or that actually there was something wrong with the world. It took desperation and a honest look at a past of failure to finally Give up. I feel that is the personal expression of step 1 for me "I Give Up" and am willing to look on to step 2.

Alcoholics: the only people who aren't willing to give up a life of failure without a fight.

ballplayer

I"m new.

I need a group.

Am I in the correct place?

ballplayer

ClayTheScribe

Ballplayer,

You're most definitely in the right place. There's a lot of supportive, smart and experienced people on this forum who can help you along in your recovery. How far along in your recovery are you/have you detoxed/or are you still using? I'd recommend checking out one of the following for meetings in your area:

Alcoholics Anonymous : How to Find A.A. Meetings
General Information About LifeRing Meetings (Secular recovery)
SMART Recovery® Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions (Secular recovery)

It's good to supplement the help you'll get here with an face-to-face group.

Good luck and let us know if you have any questions or just want to share.