Unsure and uneasy...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1
Unsure and uneasy...
Hi everyone, after a bad fight, I find myself browsing this forum and feeling inspired by the stories, then compelled to share mine with such friendly folks.
I am 23, and I have been with my girlfriend for five years. In these years, we have fostered a strong relationship, are living together, and I believe if we had met later in life we would be married.
The biggest issue in our life is that she has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, with which she struggles every day and I have very committed to helping her deal with. I feel we have been quite successful coping with some very bad days. However, increasingly, I feel she has been turning to alcohol for additional self-medication.
Her alcohol abuse began at least a year ago, and entirely in secret. I had found her behaviour erratic some days, but chalked it up to instability in depression. However, as her behaviour grew worse and more frequent, I soon discovered that alcohol was the obvious culprit. At that point, we had a large fight, and made some major changes to our relationship as she promised me she was done with alcohol.
However, as I now know, her alcohol abuse continued. Approximately a month ago, I learned that she has been hiding alcohol around the house - in drawers, cupboards, and other places I am not likely to look. She did her drinking on nights where I was out with friends and got herself to bed before my late return. For this reason, I didn't know she was drinking until one particularly bad night.
On this night, she went out with mutual friends, far too drunk to function. Falling over, running away from the group, and acting aggressively to anyone who tried to control her, she had to be brought home, monitored, and on that night sustained injuries that to this day leave scars.
After that incident, she promised me she has wisened up, and was done with drinking. Not so.
I have since found her drunk repeatedly, but she staunchly denied it. In my foolish desire to trust her, I believed she was not drunk. Until one day my trust broke and I examined a bank statement and found several purchases at the liquor store. Even when I confronted her with this information, she denied she was drinking, until after a huge fight she finally gave in in the face if indesputable evidence.
However, my actions in this case were also in the wrong as I should not be looking at her personal information, in her words, and she blames me for my lack of trust. After this incident, I feel the trust in our relationship has been quite damaged, as I never really know when to believe what she says after such convincing lies.
Now I find myself torn. In her most depressed moments, she says things that scare me, and I'm worried that if I left her she would hurt herself or worse. I love her more than anything, and I just want to help her be happy. We have tried drinking single beers together and steadily trying to build a healthy attitude toward drinking, but I fear she continues to drink behind my back. The scariest thing is that I cannot know for sure if she really is continuing to drink, with her convincing lies and denial.
Our lives have not been broken yet, but I struggle often with whether my need to help her is a lost cause, or if my lack of trust is somehow my fault. Should I believe her when she says she hasn't drank, even though I suspect her based on behavioural cues? I find it maddening to try and live with someone with whom I can't trust, but is trusting her when she might be lying doing her an injustice in not helping her with what might be a growing problem?
I don't expect easy answers, but I do appreciate the opportunity to share my rather long and personal story with you all. Even this has helped
I am 23, and I have been with my girlfriend for five years. In these years, we have fostered a strong relationship, are living together, and I believe if we had met later in life we would be married.
The biggest issue in our life is that she has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, with which she struggles every day and I have very committed to helping her deal with. I feel we have been quite successful coping with some very bad days. However, increasingly, I feel she has been turning to alcohol for additional self-medication.
Her alcohol abuse began at least a year ago, and entirely in secret. I had found her behaviour erratic some days, but chalked it up to instability in depression. However, as her behaviour grew worse and more frequent, I soon discovered that alcohol was the obvious culprit. At that point, we had a large fight, and made some major changes to our relationship as she promised me she was done with alcohol.
However, as I now know, her alcohol abuse continued. Approximately a month ago, I learned that she has been hiding alcohol around the house - in drawers, cupboards, and other places I am not likely to look. She did her drinking on nights where I was out with friends and got herself to bed before my late return. For this reason, I didn't know she was drinking until one particularly bad night.
On this night, she went out with mutual friends, far too drunk to function. Falling over, running away from the group, and acting aggressively to anyone who tried to control her, she had to be brought home, monitored, and on that night sustained injuries that to this day leave scars.
After that incident, she promised me she has wisened up, and was done with drinking. Not so.
I have since found her drunk repeatedly, but she staunchly denied it. In my foolish desire to trust her, I believed she was not drunk. Until one day my trust broke and I examined a bank statement and found several purchases at the liquor store. Even when I confronted her with this information, she denied she was drinking, until after a huge fight she finally gave in in the face if indesputable evidence.
However, my actions in this case were also in the wrong as I should not be looking at her personal information, in her words, and she blames me for my lack of trust. After this incident, I feel the trust in our relationship has been quite damaged, as I never really know when to believe what she says after such convincing lies.
Now I find myself torn. In her most depressed moments, she says things that scare me, and I'm worried that if I left her she would hurt herself or worse. I love her more than anything, and I just want to help her be happy. We have tried drinking single beers together and steadily trying to build a healthy attitude toward drinking, but I fear she continues to drink behind my back. The scariest thing is that I cannot know for sure if she really is continuing to drink, with her convincing lies and denial.
Our lives have not been broken yet, but I struggle often with whether my need to help her is a lost cause, or if my lack of trust is somehow my fault. Should I believe her when she says she hasn't drank, even though I suspect her based on behavioural cues? I find it maddening to try and live with someone with whom I can't trust, but is trusting her when she might be lying doing her an injustice in not helping her with what might be a growing problem?
I don't expect easy answers, but I do appreciate the opportunity to share my rather long and personal story with you all. Even this has helped
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
Welcome to the forum sbf!
I'm sorry your feeling all of this.
I'm sorry to say there is nothing you can do to help her. She has to want to get help for herself. Your lack of trust is completely justified and it is NEVER your fault! I would suggest reading some codependent books. I know you love her and want to help, but eventually you will come to the realization that you cannot change her. You can only change yourself.
Your efforts seem to be vast. How much are you willing to give up of yourself to help her? More people will be along with much better advice than me. You will find much support here and please continue to post.
I'm sorry your feeling all of this.
Our lives have not been broken yet, but I struggle often with whether my need to help her is a lost cause, or if my lack of trust is somehow my fault.
Your efforts seem to be vast. How much are you willing to give up of yourself to help her? More people will be along with much better advice than me. You will find much support here and please continue to post.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
First of all, welcome. I am glad you found this little area of support and caring on the vastness of the internet. There is a great deal of wisdom and experience to be found here.
I would echo lucid's comment. You can't help her. She has to REALLY want to get better. I would strongly suggest that you go to Al Anon meetings to help yourself. I know when I firts went to Al Anon, I was kind of freaked out and wondered how will this help. But it did. Alot.
I would also encourage you to read a boo called At Wit's End by Jeff Jay and Jerry Boriskin. Here is part of the introduction to the book.
When mental health issues and addiction become enmeshed, we refer to them as co-occurring disorders. Examples include anxiety and alcoholism or depression and addiction to narcotic pain medication. Co-occurring disorders present a greater level of complexity in diagnosis and treatment than addiction or mental health issues alone. If we treat the alcoholism without addressing the anxiety disorder, for instance, the individual may not be able to participate meaningfully in therapy or Twelve Step groups.
This book has been written primarily for family members and friends who are trying to cope with a loved one’s co-occurring disorder. Our goals are to help clarify what the problems are and to help you to find solutions. We will introduce you, the family member or friend and to the maze of professionals you will meet on your journey. We will describe the most common mental health problems and will offer insight into the best methods for addressing those problems.
I would echo lucid's comment. You can't help her. She has to REALLY want to get better. I would strongly suggest that you go to Al Anon meetings to help yourself. I know when I firts went to Al Anon, I was kind of freaked out and wondered how will this help. But it did. Alot.
I would also encourage you to read a boo called At Wit's End by Jeff Jay and Jerry Boriskin. Here is part of the introduction to the book.
When mental health issues and addiction become enmeshed, we refer to them as co-occurring disorders. Examples include anxiety and alcoholism or depression and addiction to narcotic pain medication. Co-occurring disorders present a greater level of complexity in diagnosis and treatment than addiction or mental health issues alone. If we treat the alcoholism without addressing the anxiety disorder, for instance, the individual may not be able to participate meaningfully in therapy or Twelve Step groups.
This book has been written primarily for family members and friends who are trying to cope with a loved one’s co-occurring disorder. Our goals are to help clarify what the problems are and to help you to find solutions. We will introduce you, the family member or friend and to the maze of professionals you will meet on your journey. We will describe the most common mental health problems and will offer insight into the best methods for addressing those problems.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I'm sorry-your gf is in complete denial of her problem. I know this, because my xabf was, too. When someone is in denial, they will lie, hide, steal...do whatever it takes to a) get the drink and b) hide their drinking from you because they know you don't approve of it.
There's a reason why the first step in AA is "I admit I am powerless over alcohol." Admitting you are powerless, wipes out any opportunity to deny the grip this disease has on you.
I firmly believe that AA is the best program for alcoholics. I dated one in recovery for a year--he had his 5 year chip when I met him. I attended many meetings with him and learned a lot about it.
Nothing however prepared me for my subsequent relationship with J, whom I loved dearly, but over 2 years of an off and on rel'ship, he was a serious binge drinker with many dangerous incidents under his belt, including a fight where he smashed my phone and his computer, a temper tantrum where I had to talk 2 cops out of arresting him...but he wasn't the only one in denial. I was, too.
Your belief that you can drink a single beer with your girlfriend, and maybe she can adjust to drinking reasonably, is a form of denial on your part. And lord knows I am not criticizing you. It is SO INCREDIBLY PAINFUL to face the fact that someone you love is an alcoholic. Most painful moment of my life was when J told me he couldn't keep his promise to me to stay sober for a month. Then I had to face it-and it felt like a kick in the gut.
Your gf is simply not capable of drinking "reasonably". For whatever reason, she's addicted to it, and the only way out is total sobriety. Sorry to say that-this is probably the reason so many people don't take thaat first step-like, for my xabf, the bar was fun for him. It was a "relief" or "release", or the way he dealt with stress. You can't teach coping skills to these people. You can't help them adjust to social or moderate drinking. You honestly, can't do anything about their problem.
That is the sad fact: YOU are ALSO powerless against her disease.
I hate to say it, because it's tragic.
As many people on this forum have discovered you have to face that 1) you didn't cause it, 2) you can't cure it and 3) you can't control it.
Many of us have learned all we can about codependency, because being with aln alcoholic forces you into this role. Some of us have enjoyed this role because we have our own deep-seated issues. Some of us don't take very long to go, wait a minute! I don't like this role. I'm losing myself...I'm losing my self-respect...I'm losing my ability to hold to boundaries that are important to me...I'm losing my peace and happiness..
An alcoholic has to hit bottom to get help. This is a very important point I've learned: THE PAIN OF USING HAS TO BE WORSE THAN THE PAIN OF GETTING CLEAN.
I decided I was losing too much being with him, and I had to save myself. I hit my own personal bottom and walked. Your life is up to you and only you--as is hers.
I wish you the best-keep posting here-there is a lot of wisdom.
There's a reason why the first step in AA is "I admit I am powerless over alcohol." Admitting you are powerless, wipes out any opportunity to deny the grip this disease has on you.
I firmly believe that AA is the best program for alcoholics. I dated one in recovery for a year--he had his 5 year chip when I met him. I attended many meetings with him and learned a lot about it.
Nothing however prepared me for my subsequent relationship with J, whom I loved dearly, but over 2 years of an off and on rel'ship, he was a serious binge drinker with many dangerous incidents under his belt, including a fight where he smashed my phone and his computer, a temper tantrum where I had to talk 2 cops out of arresting him...but he wasn't the only one in denial. I was, too.
Your belief that you can drink a single beer with your girlfriend, and maybe she can adjust to drinking reasonably, is a form of denial on your part. And lord knows I am not criticizing you. It is SO INCREDIBLY PAINFUL to face the fact that someone you love is an alcoholic. Most painful moment of my life was when J told me he couldn't keep his promise to me to stay sober for a month. Then I had to face it-and it felt like a kick in the gut.
Your gf is simply not capable of drinking "reasonably". For whatever reason, she's addicted to it, and the only way out is total sobriety. Sorry to say that-this is probably the reason so many people don't take thaat first step-like, for my xabf, the bar was fun for him. It was a "relief" or "release", or the way he dealt with stress. You can't teach coping skills to these people. You can't help them adjust to social or moderate drinking. You honestly, can't do anything about their problem.
That is the sad fact: YOU are ALSO powerless against her disease.
I hate to say it, because it's tragic.
As many people on this forum have discovered you have to face that 1) you didn't cause it, 2) you can't cure it and 3) you can't control it.
Many of us have learned all we can about codependency, because being with aln alcoholic forces you into this role. Some of us have enjoyed this role because we have our own deep-seated issues. Some of us don't take very long to go, wait a minute! I don't like this role. I'm losing myself...I'm losing my self-respect...I'm losing my ability to hold to boundaries that are important to me...I'm losing my peace and happiness..
An alcoholic has to hit bottom to get help. This is a very important point I've learned: THE PAIN OF USING HAS TO BE WORSE THAN THE PAIN OF GETTING CLEAN.
I decided I was losing too much being with him, and I had to save myself. I hit my own personal bottom and walked. Your life is up to you and only you--as is hers.
I wish you the best-keep posting here-there is a lot of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi sbf-
for myself, it wasn't the drinking i couldn't deal with, it was the resultant lies. i got to the point that i didn't know what was the truth or what was a lie.
it's no way to live but i'm afraid, it often comes as a side-effect of the drinking. and then, often, we are on to the bigger lies, such as the things that happen when they are trashed and we are not with them, such as sleeping around.
alcoholism is a progressive disease. it really only gets worse, unless they choose to enter recovery.
it might be a good time to set some boundaries and stick to them. the alcoholic becomes fantastic at manipulating the enabler, counting on their continued forgiveness and good nature to create an environment where they can keep drinking without the consequences.
boundaries go like this:
if you _____________, i will ______________ and then do it!
for example,
if you continue to drink in secret in the house, i will move out.
if you continue to lie to me, i will leave have to leave this relationship.
if you continue to harass me with constant phone calls, i will change my phone number.
if you continue to steal my money, i will close our joint bank account.
if you continue to drive while drunk, i will call the police.
i, personally, think it is ok that you check up on the bank statement or did some other research to validate your hunches. how else are you suppose to figure out the extent of the lies? however, once you get enough information to KNOW what's going on, it is best to stop this behavior, as you now have overwhelming evidence that what you suspected is true.
there's help for her at AA. there's help for you here and at alanon.
for myself, it wasn't the drinking i couldn't deal with, it was the resultant lies. i got to the point that i didn't know what was the truth or what was a lie.
it's no way to live but i'm afraid, it often comes as a side-effect of the drinking. and then, often, we are on to the bigger lies, such as the things that happen when they are trashed and we are not with them, such as sleeping around.
alcoholism is a progressive disease. it really only gets worse, unless they choose to enter recovery.
it might be a good time to set some boundaries and stick to them. the alcoholic becomes fantastic at manipulating the enabler, counting on their continued forgiveness and good nature to create an environment where they can keep drinking without the consequences.
boundaries go like this:
if you _____________, i will ______________ and then do it!
for example,
if you continue to drink in secret in the house, i will move out.
if you continue to lie to me, i will leave have to leave this relationship.
if you continue to harass me with constant phone calls, i will change my phone number.
if you continue to steal my money, i will close our joint bank account.
if you continue to drive while drunk, i will call the police.
i, personally, think it is ok that you check up on the bank statement or did some other research to validate your hunches. how else are you suppose to figure out the extent of the lies? however, once you get enough information to KNOW what's going on, it is best to stop this behavior, as you now have overwhelming evidence that what you suspected is true.
there's help for her at AA. there's help for you here and at alanon.
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