How can I deal with this?
Sobriety in technicolor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
How can I deal with this?
I have a very good friend who actually got me to try recovery some years ago. Since then we have gotten drunk together many times. She is now sober, but does not attend meetings. She is married to an alcoholic who also does not attend meetings anymore. They are miserable. She has been cheating for some time, is now pregnant (unsure by whom), and is in complete denial, self-pity, and avoidance. She keeps asking me what to do. I give her suggestions such as pray, see a lawyer, be honest, and it's not good enough. She wants ANSWERS, quick fixes: "I need to move out but how do I do that with no money?" She comes to me with the same issues over and over, and anything I come up with, she tells me what his response will be (he is pretty unreasonable, but that is beside the point) so all my suggestions are completely shut down... then she will ask me the same things again 2 weeks later! I don't know what to do. I love her, but this self-pity is wearing me down. I am only 81 days sober and I don't have all the answers. I hate seeing her suffer but she doesn't have the willingness to take action, in a small way, to get the ball moving toward something more positive. All she sees is "I can't, I can't, I can't." What am I suppossed to tell her? I am having trouble being part of this cycle, especially since I remember how it felt to be where she is ("Can't I just start this life over?"). I understnad she feels overwhelmed but I don't know how much longer I can bear the toxic attitude or blatant unwillingness to change. When I say "I dont know" she assumes that I am saying its all her fault and she is a terrible person who should kill herself. What can I do to help my friend?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,056
In my experience, I had to get away from certain toxic relationships in order to focus on my recovery. I've posted this meditation before, it sums it up pretty well......
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
Unfortunatly there isn't a lot you can do. You have probably done more than necessary already. If it is detrimental to your recovery you should probably consider not talking to her about that stuff--there is nothing selfish about putting yourself first in this case. If you can handle it, then being someone to just listen to her is probably all you can really do, while reminding her you do not have any of the answers she is seeking. It sounds like she wants relief and not recovery. This is pretty common for alcoholics, as we are used to seeking a quick fix to alleviate our problems and not looking for any long term solution. It is great that you are in recovery. Work on yourself, be an example, pray for her (if you are into that), and offer to go to meetings with her. If she is literally suicidal you may want to take more drastic action. Ultimately all this is on her though, not a lot that you can do other than do your own deal, and that's ok. Good Luck. And Congratulations on 81 days, a long time.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Each time she comes to you ask her, "What was it I suggested last time...?"
And make her tell you, just to find out if she is even listening.
If she remembers, ask her if she did it. If not, why not?
Keep coming back, say the serenity prayer.
And make her tell you, just to find out if she is even listening.
If she remembers, ask her if she did it. If not, why not?
Keep coming back, say the serenity prayer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 72
I think you have probably done everything you can do. It sounds as though you are coming up with solutions for her, but she doesn't like the solutions you're giving so she keeps asking. I guess I would just tell her that she already knows your opinion/answer and if she isn't going to listen to it, unfortunately you can't listen to her problems anymore. It sounds harsh, but you really do have to put yourself first, and even if you love her you can't let her toxicity get you down. 81 days is fantastic, but putting yourself in a situation like this is not going to be great for your recovery.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Originally Posted by misstep 
I think you have probably done everything you can do. It sounds as though you are coming up with solutions for her, but she doesn't like the solutions you're giving so she keeps asking. I guess I would just tell her that she already knows your opinion/answer and if she isn't going to listen to it, unfortunately you can't listen to her problems anymore. It sounds harsh, but you really do have to put yourself first, and even if you love her you can't let her toxicity get you down. 81 days is fantastic, but putting yourself in a situation like this is not going to be great for your recovery.
I agree completely.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Quse56
I am only 81 days sober and I don't have all the answers.
You can be a friend. You can demonstrate by the example of your own life what your recovery is doing. You can lay it out for her.
I used to preach up and down to friends of mine who flirted with recovery but never found it. At some point, it doesn't help. I can say it all I want, but it won't get heard until they want to hear it. That usually requires something heavy and painful.
Until then, I can be a friend. Doesn't mean I have to get caught up in their stuff.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
I have a close girlfriend who also has found herself in an extremely tight spot and is constantly depressed and making dangerous decisions. I played the "supportive friend" role for a while, but now see that my advice goes in one ear and out the other.
The best you can do is love your friend from a distance but recognize her limitations. Plus, what are you getting out of your friendship with her? My friends problems totally began bumming me out, so I started limiting contact with her and I no longer take on the impossible task of attempting to solve her problems.
Hugs & support,
Rach
The best you can do is love your friend from a distance but recognize her limitations. Plus, what are you getting out of your friendship with her? My friends problems totally began bumming me out, so I started limiting contact with her and I no longer take on the impossible task of attempting to solve her problems.
Hugs & support,
Rach
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
When it becomes apparent to me that a person is not willing to move out of a problem and into the solution, i talk the matter over with God. i ask and trust God to do for that person what they appear to be unwilling to do for themeselves. i find empathy for that person by looking over my past and finding any similarities of behavior i had struggled with. i remain available to that person without trying to force anything on them and stay open minded.
Thank you for staying sober and for sharing
about what you are experiencing in recovery.
Have you talked this matter over with your sponsor?
Thank you for staying sober and for sharing
about what you are experiencing in recovery.
Have you talked this matter over with your sponsor?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
You can't help anyone who isn't willing to help themselves. If I were you I would tell her to quit talking about it all and do something about it. If she has all the answers, why are you still listening to her?
I'm soooooo not trying to be mean to you, but I've had friends like that and after some suggestions and they just carry on with the "what if's" I just nod in agreement and turn their questions around back at them. Or avoid them altogether.
You can't do anything to help your friend. She's the one that needs to take action. Let her go, she has to find her own way.
I'm soooooo not trying to be mean to you, but I've had friends like that and after some suggestions and they just carry on with the "what if's" I just nod in agreement and turn their questions around back at them. Or avoid them altogether.
You can't do anything to help your friend. She's the one that needs to take action. Let her go, she has to find her own way.
Sobriety in technicolor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by Wolfchild
Have you talked this matter over with your sponsor?
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Originally Posted by Astro
In my experience, I had to get away from certain toxic relationships in order to focus on my recovery. I've posted this meditation before, it sums it up pretty well......
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand-alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today, I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. God, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's my experience that friendships are not necessarily forever.
We touch ... we bond .... we grow apart.....
Toxic people are no longer in my life.
This allows room for friends who enjoy life.
Congratulations on your sober time
We touch ... we bond .... we grow apart.....
Toxic people are no longer in my life.
This allows room for friends who enjoy life.
Congratulations on your sober time
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 111
I am only 81 days sober and I don't have all the answers.
be well,
bh
Keep coming back!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Calais, Maine
Posts: 25
Some where, a long time ago, I read in - I think, Eric Berne's "Games People Play" about this situation. People who continue to ask for advice and then say it won't work are really being a victim. They are saying to themselves and others that, "See how bad I have it. I can't do anything about it. It is really out of my control." Poor me, POOR ME!
I like most all the advice you have been given. You might try tough love. Say something like, "Stop being a victim. Victim's don't get better. It is your life! What are you going to do about it. I am your friend and will support your decision to help yourself. But, please, do something to help yourself."
Good luck and congratulations on your sobriety! Keep on, keeping on.
I like most all the advice you have been given. You might try tough love. Say something like, "Stop being a victim. Victim's don't get better. It is your life! What are you going to do about it. I am your friend and will support your decision to help yourself. But, please, do something to help yourself."
Good luck and congratulations on your sobriety! Keep on, keeping on.
Sobriety in technicolor
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 98
Thank you all. Things are better since I spoke with her this weekend. I told her that I refuse to try to solve her problems for her if she is unwilling to help herself. I told her taht the only thing that has helped me is God. I sugested she go back to AA and get a sponsor and work on herself before trying to change anything outside of herself. I hope it works 
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
lots of great comments here!
Nice Astro shared Melodie Beattie too. In her book she talks about detaching with love.......challenging, but the only way to go.
That of being with God in prayer.......constantly.
Nice Astro shared Melodie Beattie too. In her book she talks about detaching with love.......challenging, but the only way to go.
That of being with God in prayer.......constantly.
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