kv816

I've read a lot of posts on here recently of letters people have wrote to their A's. The letters consist of "last words" (or that's how I take them). Many responders say that the letter is more for the writer than it is for the A. And I agree. I have wrote many, MANY letters to XABF in the past. He'd read them, respond and almost instantly forget everything that I said. Or he wouldn't even listen to anything anyway, would twist it to make me sound like I was only trying to hurt him.

I answered the phone when he called today. I was feeling strong and confident. He invited us over to his place tomorrow night for fireworks. I told him I would not be there. He said the neighbors had a party planned again. They would build a fire, stand around and drink. And yes, he was going to enjoy him a cold one or two. I said I would not be there. He went back into how I just need to stop expecting the worst just because he's drinking. That we've had plenty of good times while he was drinking and I just need to remember those times. I said I would have no part of it. He said I need to stop trying to change him. I said I was not trying to change him, I was only changing myself. I would not be his little puppet (stole that from someone here--thanks). But I would not his puppet anymore. This was MY life and I was going to have a good time with it. And sitting around watching an A drink a beer, stumble around a bonfire and tell me how bad I am was not my idea of a time. I said I would not be there. He tried all he could to get me to accept his drinking and want to be a part of it. I finally told him okay, I accept that you are a drinker. He sighed, said good, thank you, what time will you be here tomorrow? I said I accept it. But I will not be a part of it. I will not be there. He hung up on me.

I'm full of anger right now. And I've tried to write my own "final thoughts" letter to him. I've started a few now. I've thrown them all away. I get into it, I say what I feel. But after a few lines I realize that I really just don't care! I don't want to put anymore effort into telling him how I feel or what I think!! I WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT is about as blunt, straight forward, to the point as I can make it! If he won't accept something as simple as that, then why do I want to even go into further detail with how I feel??

But I'm wondering if it would help me? I'm not talking about a long, drawn out, sappy letter. Just something that says I want this in my life, you couldn't offer it. I want this kind of man, it is not you. I want to feel this, you can't make me feel that. I don't want to feel like this, you made me feel like that. So on and so forth.

So I guess I'm just wondering if the "last words" help? Will I feel better after I get out everything that's been weighing on my mind? Even if he never reads it, would taking that one last effort into expressing what I've hid for so long help me get rid of some of the anger I have for him?

luciddreamrgrl

I did this. I even posted it on this board if you can find it. It empowered me for a short time, but I'm not sure I believed all that I was typing until just recently. Sending it off makes you feel good, but eventually the anger and frustration will just come back to you. Please don't right it until you are absolutely sure you believe it all. At that point, yes you should. I wish I would have waited to send it to him until I was sure what I did was the right thing. I made myself look like a fool by not backing it up right away.

On another note, I loved your phone conversation with him. It actually made me laugh and feel a bit better. I loved that you said you would accept he was a drinker, but would not accept being a part of it. Bravo! I remember a specific time when my XABF wanted me to buy him beer. I had already told him I would have no part in it. Then he said to me, I guess I will just have to sit here and be miserable because you wouldn't buy it for me. He then hung up on me. So what did I do? I bought him the f**king beer. If I had HALF the strength you have right now, I might not be in this situation now. I should have gotten out a long time ago.

Write your letter. Write lots of them. But only send it when your ready to back it up and live for yourself. I don't know if this is the best advice as I'm still new to all this, but that was my experience.

Sarah.

Freedom1990

Letter writing has always been beneficial for me, and I never send it to the recipient. It gives me a chance to put every crappy feeling down in writing, own those feelings, and then burn the letter and let the feelings disappate with the smoke.

:ghug :ghug

Taking5

Letter writing is good if you think it will help you. I would never send it. 95% of the posts about writing letters are from women about writing to their A men. Men do not react to the written word the way women do, A or not. This is a generalization of course but there is a lot of truth in it.

I do not like letters, emails or texts because there is no context in them in terms of body language, tone, etc.

So if it makes you feel better, write like crazy. Again I don't think you should send it and if you do send it you should have zero expectations as to its effect.

bookwyrm

I've never written my STBXAH a letter but I have and do journal how I'm feeling on a regular basis. It helps me to get it out on paper and I can go back later and read it - and be suprised I lived like that! If you get something from writing your letter, maybe you could consider journalling on a more regular basis? It really helped me!

beginner

I think you need to be honest with yourself. What is the purpose of your writing a letter, really?

It is really hard to let go and it is really hard to stop wanting to change them. I think everything you said in your phone conversation was fantastic. I admire your strength and how you stood your ground without criticising or being pulled in to an argument. To be honest, I think that's all you need to say to him.

I understand your anger and your need to express it to him, so writing letters to him without sending/delivering them to him may really help to get your feelings out. It seems to me that it's all that you really need to do.

In saying that, I think writing a final letter is valuable. But writing that kind of letter in anger is not helpful - any words you write will be tainted with feelings you have right now. To me, writing a final letter is when you have been able to let go of the situation and him and your feelings have cooled sufficiently that you are able to write all the things you need to say - perhaps about the ways he has hurt you, and what you wish he would realise or the potential you see in him and for his life, etc. To me, it is a letter that is honest without blame or criticism, that genuinely wishes the best for that person, therefore confronting them with the hurt they have caused you and the pain they are causing themselves. Unfortunately, it will no doubt fall on deaf ears - but maybe one day he might come to his senses, and remember your final words to him and it will help him in his recovery to face up to the pain he has caused.

MissFixit

Hi there.

I too used to write letters that I never sent. It helped me to verbalize the situation and "see" what had happened. I would write and re-write editing to make it exactly how I felt and what I experienced.

The last letter I wrote I did send to the ex. He never responded. My therapist told me to expect nothing from him as we would not be in that mess if he was rational and behaved in a logical fashion. I suspect the OW read it as she did reply to me. I did not anticipate that one, but I ignored her.

Whatever you decide to do, do it for you. He is unreliable at best, so remember that when expecting anything from him. His reactions are not "normal," so this situation will not be normal all of the sudden.

Hugs

Miss

kv816

I wonder if that's why I'm having such a hard time finishing each letter I start. I feel what I do and I believe what I do but maybe I'm just not ready for him to know. Or maybe I'm simply just not as ready as I think I am. It's like writing a song. An artist will tell you that a good song can be wrote within minutes. It just flows out of you and takes such little effort to write it because it's really coming from the heart and you have no doubts. So maybe when I can sit down and write my letter with no effort, THEN I know it's time and I'm ready.

Oh I bought it many times but only once since I accepted he was an A. I told my best friend that I bought him a case. She went nuts (I swear she wanted to smack me senseless). She said "WHY!!!" I looked at her, chuckled a little and said "well, I realized that he's a jerk with or without it. And I really didn't want to fight that night, so I figured if I bought it he'd find his little drinking cubby hole and go be by himself and just leave me the hell alone!!!"

We laughed about it. Sure buying it was probably stupid (and he still uses it against me..saying that I have bought it many times for him so now should be no different). In fact I heard that one again a month or so ago when I refused to buy him cigs. It was the last time we were together actually. We ran to the store to get cigs and he came out with a case and 2 packs of cigs. He didn't get paid for another 5 days and I knew 2 packs of cigs weren't going to last him the week. So as I expected a few days later he called me asking if I'd bring him cigs. I said no. He threw a fit saying once upon a time I would have made sure he always had cigs. I told him he was right, I did make sure. But the way I see it, he HAD the money to buy cigs for the week. YOU'RE the one who spent that $15 on a case of beer. You coulda bought 4 or 5 more packs of cigs to get you through the week but you chose not to. That's when he said once upon a time I would have made sure he had both. I said yeah, key statement being ONCE UPON A TIME. I said I read fairy tales to my kids at night--but I wasn't living in one anymore.

He said that was just a stupid way to think. I have yet to figure out what part of those thoughts were stupid.