KittyTET

People always talk about how difficult it is to live with an alcoholic, but nobody ever talks about how difficult the recovery process is as well. For the first time in our fifteen year relationship, my AH and I are having a very difficult time communicating. We also cannot relate to each other because I have no idea what it feels like to be an alcoholic and I have no idea what the rehabilitation process is like (he completed a 21-day stay at an inpatient facility 12 days ago).

The only people he can relate to right now are the people he became close friends with while at rehab, and I get that. I really, truly get that. Furthermore, I'm actually thankful that he was able to form such a close bond with this people because they really are being very supportive of each other. I can tell that he needs them. While I understand the importance of his friendship with these people, though, it has also stirred up some weird feelings of jealousy within me. I'm jealous of the bond that they share because I know I can never be a part of it. I'm the type of person who NEEDS to feel needed and helpful to someone, not to mention wanted by them, and ever since he's come home from rehab I have just felt like I'm in the way. It's hard for me to deal with the fact that he DOESN'T need me right now, he needs them. I feel like I just remind him of his "old life". You have to understand that drinking has been a part of our relationship from the very beginning. We've never known each other to be completely sober for such a long amount of time (by the way, today is his 30-day sobriety milestone!). So, I guess part of me is afraid that now that he's sober he's going to see me in a whole new light and decide he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Apparently, this is a common occurrence in marriages during the recovery process, but nobody ever talks about that kind of thing.

I don't know. I guess I am just realizing now how totally unprepared I was for life after rehab. I'm reading a lot, though, and I'm considering seeing a counselor. Actually, I suggested to my AH that we both start seeing a counselor together, but he basically told me he's dealing with enough stuff right now that he doesn't feel ready to add "couples counseling" to his workload. I know two things for certain, though: He is the love of my life and I want him to do whatever he feels like he needs to do in order to recover.

We just had a very long talk, as a matter of fact, in which I told him that if he feels like he needs some time away from me I will completely understand. I don't WANT to get separated, of course, but I also hate feeling so useless and in his way. He assures me that he does not want to separate and that he loves me and all that, but I do get the sense that he is considering the possibility of letting me go. Call it a gut instinct or whatever, but that's just the vibe that I'm getting. Not that I've done anything WRONG, I don't think, I just feel like he's very confused right now about what needs to be going on in his life at the moment. I mean, he really does have to learn how to live his life all over again starting from scratch. He keeps reminding me, though, that he is only 12 days out of rehab and this is still very early in the game. I know he's right, and I know we really do have to just take things one day at a time, but I'm a worrier. As much as I want him to be successful in his recovery, I'm also selfish enough to not want my marriage to be sacrificed in the process.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent a little, but if any of you have ever been in my position or are going through the same thing right now, feel free to share your experience with me. Oh, and please do not tell me to go to Al-Anon. Been there, done that. I'm not against the program, in fact I agree with the principles, but I'm just not a fan of the actual meetings themselves. I've been reading some Al-Anon books, though, and I feel like I have gotten a lot out of them.

Thanks for listening.

MissFixit

Good luck to you and keep venting.

For what it is worth, my exabf went to rehab and also became very close to some guys there. That was in 2006. By the fall of 2008 3 of his good friends from there had killed themselves. It devastated him to no end. One of our final weeks together he was crushed about his alcoholic roomate while there, who hung himself in his garage.

At the time I thought that rehab was the solution to all of "our" problems (his drinking). It wasn't. Learning about the fate of these other men put into perspective for me just how fragile recovering addicts are.

Please take care of yourself.

KittyTET

Thank you, MissFixIt. That was a very sobering message (no pun intended). I really do not think that people realize how difficult life is for alcoholics, especially those in recovery. I'm not surprised one bit that a lot your exabf's friends from rehab committed suicide. My AH has had suicidal thoughts himself, but that was before he completed his 21-day stay in rehab. He seems to have a better understanding of his disease now, though, and realizes that alcoholism is not a sign of weakness or bad moral character.

See, there are many, many positive things that are experienced during life after rehab, which I had both hoped for and somewhat expected to happen. I still cannot believe that there are not more articles online or even books written about the NEGATIVE things that are also experienced during life after rehab. I guess nobody talks about those things because they don't want to discourage anyone from seeking help. After all, if the staff at my AH's rehab facility had told us when he checked in that there is a possibility our marriage could end as a result of his recovery, I admit that I probably would have thought twice about letting him sign those papers.

KittyTET

Anvil, thank you so very much for your reply. I loved your comparison of my AH's "rehab friends" to golfing buddies or me taking a class. That really put things into perspective for me. I will try to remember what you said the next time I'm feeling those pangs of jealousy the next time he is having a hard time and feels like he needs to be with his rehab friends instead of me.

As for your question, no I do not drink any more at all. I was never a heavy drinker to begin with, but I did partake in a glass or two of wine with my husband while we watched TV in the evenings, and of course I drank more than that whenever we were at a bar or a party or something. I have to admit, also, that part of me actually misses those evenings when we'd get a little tipsy together because we always had so much fun.

You see, I really feel like our story of alcoholism is kind of unique in the fact that neither of us really felt like his drinking was an actual "problem." In the fifteen years we have been together, he never increased the amount of alcohol he consumed or the frequency with which he drank. He was a HIGHLY functioning alcoholic. He has a terrific job and never missed a day of work because of his drinking. He simply did not fit that stereotype of being a typical "alcoholic." He wasn't abusive towards me in any way. In fact, he has always treated me like gold! We sincerely consider each other to be best friends. He never hid his drinking or spent excessive amounts of money on booze. He never even really appeared to be "drunk" whenever he'd drink. No staggering, slurred speech, or embarrassing behavior at all. He might get that way at an occasional party or long night out on the town, but we really didn't go to that many parties and rarely even went out to bars. That's why we were both so in denial for so long about his alcoholism. It just didn't seem possible that MY husband could be an ACTUAL alcoholic. Unfortunately, though, he was born with alcoholic DNA. His grandfather was an alcoholic, as are many of his uncles. We just didn't know enough about the disease to realize he was at a high risk of being an alcoholic himself.

Anyway, I know we will eventually learn to have fun together again without the alcohol, but it just feels like we have such a looooong way to go before we can get to that point. As I mentioned in my original post, we were both drinkers during our entire 15-year relationship, so being a completely sober couple is a totally new concept to us.

LaTeeDa

This is the part that just jumped out at me. I had an overwhelming need to be needed. In fact, my entire identity was based on being his wife, my kids mom, my title at work, that I didn't have a clue who I really was.

A good counselor (well versed in alcoholism and codependence) helped me discover myself. I know that sounds trite, but it really was a life-changing experience. I would encourage you to find a counselor. Begin healing from the family disease of alcoholism at the same time your husband is healing from it. When you both get your feet solid beneath you, then you can work on the relationship.

JMHO,

L

KittyTET

Thank you, LaTeeDa. I know what you are saying is true. I never thought of myself as being codependent before, but I'm starting to realize that I am. I just didn't understand that I was depending upon my husband to make me feel needed.

I have been thinking about seeing a counselor on my own even if my husband doesn't want to see one with me. I've even been thinking about going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, even though the thought of it kind of makes me want to gag. Sorry, no offense to those of you who attend meetings regularly. They're just not my "thing." At least in forums like this you get honest feedback out of people. At Al-Anon meetings I feel like I just get stared at, hugged, and then swarmed at the end of the meeting by total strangers wanting to give me their phone numbers. I know it's Al-Anon's policy NOT to give advice to other members, which I actually kind of agree with, but if it's just an outlet for venting I figure I can save myself a drive by simply venting here or to my journal or something. Hmmm....I may have just talked myself out of going to that meeting. I don't know. We'll see.

slipaustin

kittyTET - reading your post was like reading almost the exact thing I would write. I Google'd "do people stay together after rehab" and your post was the 3rd result. My husband has been in inpatient for 3 weeks now and comes home on July 22. We have been together for 12 years and married for 6. I can't imagine my life without him. His decision/agreement to go into treatment was our last hope. I have felt many things since he has been gone. First was depression and sadness. An overwhelming feeling of helplessness. After seeing him for the first time, nearly 2 weeks after he went in, my entire outlook changed to optimism - he was hopeful, happy, inspirational. The I saw him the second time and my outlook turned to confusion and I feel very lost. Right now I feel the SAME way you do. Through all of this is he going to realize that being with me is not going to contribute to his happiness and recovery? I too have stopped drinking - I think I drank as much as you did and I will miss the casual drinking with him, but honestly I have become completely okay with this. Knowing that the alternative outweighs being able to have a glass of wine every now and then.

I would love to talk to you more about this - I am scared to death.

TrainWreckAgain

I logged in this evening to post on something else, but I was drawn to comment on this topic.

Nothing in my life experience prepared me for life with someone who was in active addiction. I fell neatly and completely into the addiction / co-dependent dance. And my life became unmanagable.

Nothing in my life experience prepared me for being involved with someone in a treatment center.

And nothing prepared me for my own journey of recovery.

I have not yet reached the point of life after my AGF's rehab, but I know that I am not prepared for that either.

I live in this strange limbo land. My AGF has been in an extended period of no contact with some very limited contact in the past few days. 30 days ago, she said that she was "putting our relationship on hold." Not sure what that means. My guess is that she doesn't either.

So, is she still my girlfriend? Does she still view us as being in a relationship? Does she feel free to have a relationship with someone else? I have no clue.

She is entering the last 30 days of a 90 day program. What happens after that, I don't know and have stopped trying to predict. The addiction specialist that I talk to (not part of her treatment team) says that she is likely going to need to be in a sober living environment for 6-12 months after rehab in order to give her the best shot at staying sober and truly getting a solid foundation for recovery.

One thing that I have come to believe is that 30 day programs, are nothing more than a "spin dry" of the alcoholic. The specialist that I talk to says that it can take up to 18 months for the brain chemistry to stabilize and return to normal. After being sober for just 30 days, most alcoholics are not really even to the point where the fog has cleared from their head, let alone really started thinking clearly.

So my limbo land is likely going to continue for a while, unless I decide that I am not going to wait.

For those who don't think God doesn't have a sense of humor, as I sit here and proof read this post, the song, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by the Clash came on my iPod... and now, the next song up on the shuffle is "The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley.

Does she love me any more? Do I love her any more? Or do I love the dream we had together?

Henley right about 2 things....

You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

and

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

In case you don't know the song... here are all the lyrics and link to one of the best performances of the song I have heard.

Don Henley - Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

naive

hello kittytet-

i'm a bit confused how your husband has 30 days dry when he drank with kerri and company last week?

in the AA book, in the chapter dedicated to the family, they offer this to us:

Freedom1990

This particular thread has her last post from 7/2, before he had drank again.

naive

i see. thanks freedom. n

FindingBalance

For us, it was about 7 years until we saw real problems. We drank together, heavily. We were young. Parties, or just together on the back porch, but on weekends. Nothing seemed to affect either of us. He didn't drink in the mornings or at work or anything like that. But, after we had our first child, I saw myself cutting back, and him not. I started to see the drinking differently. Once he lost his job, after a difficult-for-him relocation, the you know hit the fan, and hit it hard. I found myself drinking so he wouldn't drink, pouring alcohol down the drain, and snooping. I found nips, but they were "old" and I "should be going thru his things". It all came to a head quickly. No one ever really knew. Certainly no one saw "this" coming.

I want to tell you that it took us a good 6 months or more before we really got comfortable with each other. The "bottom" was bad. He was mean, and I was VERY hurt. BUT, we have come a long way. We have a second child, bought a home, he has a good job, and has stayed sober for more than 3 1/2 years. He still struggles, but, he's doing what he needs to do and I TRY to do what I can to support him.

It CAN get better. We consider ourselves "soulmates". We've been together since the day we met. Give it time.

9Iron

KittyTet-

Wow, I could just copy and paste your entire post and start commenting on it, but in essence I feel almost exactly how you do! My wife is a little longer out, and we did in fact kind of see a problem coming, but other than that the confused existence you are now living in I can relate totally to.

I read your post this morning and thought about it a lot today trying to come up with something to say to you to make sense of things and I'm still drawing a blank. I can totally relate to your line:After all, if the staff at my AH's rehab facility had told us when he checked in that there is a possibility our marriage could end as a result of his recovery, I admit that I probably would have thought twice about letting him sign those papers. Wow, couldn't have written it better myself! Not saying you or I would have stood in the way of it, but would have given it more thought about the long term consequences in the relationship, in my view. It sucks to not be in a good place to communicate with a spouse or loved one, and sucks even worse not knowing if staying together is the right thing to do!

Your husband is only at the 30 day point and my wife is only at the 60 day point so I look at that as a good thing! There is lots of time for things to sort themselves out, and for me I'm doing my best to not make any rash judgments to the quality of our future (TRYING!!! I know, I read my own posts!!!). For me, every once in a while when we haven't talked about anything other than the kids and what's for lunch and who needs an oil change I will force the issue. I'll completely open up, tell her or even write down how for her how isolated I'm feeling, and ask her point blank what she's feeling about certain things. This doesn't always work out the way I plan and I don't always hear what I want to hear, but most of the time it is an honest conversation, even if somewhat guarded in some respects. My wife says that the using alcoholic brain is like that of a toddler when upset, and when she used to lash out at me it was the equivalent of a 6 year old having a temper tantrum. We are trying to communicate at an adult level now, and at times I would rather deal with the 6 year old to be honest with you.

After we talk I usually have a better understanding on what's going on in her thoughts. Not always. Again, a word of caution, you might not hear what you want to hear. My biggest fear was that I would be replaced by the others in her program, and I have been to a large degree. She says that the biggest, most important thing in her life is recovery, without that she has nothing. I don't disagree with her, but know how those of us on the other side feel, like suddenly we all become unimportant?

Drop me a line if you want to chat. There's probably a lot of commiserating we can do together, and maybe a thing or two we can learn along the way.

mrobinson622

Wow...I knew I wasn't the only one, but this post truly hits home. My husband is an addict. He went into rehab on March 6th. He is due to be released on April 3rd. I am so so so happy he has made it this far. He is immediately going to check into a 3/4 house as they are calling it. That is 6 months minimum. I can barely cope with the 30 day. How in the hell am I going to go 6 months.
I see changes in him. Good ones, but I also see changes that make me worry to the point I am physically sick. This morning at work I had a panic attack. His pet name for me is babydoll. He has quit saying it over the past weeks. I'll talk to him on the phone and he will say he's going to take a nap. But I had to call back to tell him something his father said and he was the one that answered the phone.
I straight up asked him if he was feeling differently about me...if he wanted to separate. He said that he felt it was best for his recovery...that he needed to eliminate all obstacles that might make him relapse. I was completely and utterly crushed. We were best friends, soulmates...we did everything together...EVERYTHING. I didn't need anyone else. Yes I used to enable him, but for a little while before he went to rehab, I had stopped doing that.
We talked after that and he said that he couldn't make a huge decision like that right now. I understand...to a certain extent. He says he loves me but at that moment was not in love with me. I feel like my entire world is caving in around me. I feel like dying. I can't...I have two kids who need me. Oh and he also said my kids were triggers because he feels guilty parenting my kids and he cannot parent his (divorce). How is that their fault. My kids have grown to love him and trust him so much.
I want to be supportive, but I am so unimaginably terrified that once he gets a taste of 'freedom', that he will wonder why the hell he ever got married again. My children and I will be collateral damage. He will get to start completely over with a blank slate and I am left in the dust to try to pick up the pieces of mine and my kids shattered lives.
I'm trying the al-anon because there isn't a Nar anon near me. I felt like an outsider. I didn't like it. I'm trying to release my fears and everything to God...OMG I can't. I can say the words but I can't actually do that. I can't even manage step one. I know that I cannot control him and he is going to do what Chuck wants to do, but I think that I should help him. That's what a loving and caring wife does. All the books and literature say to lead your own life and get to know yourself. HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU MANAGE THAT??? If you are married and you lead two separate lives you are nothing but roommates with the same last name.
Chuck and I both agree that separation is nothing but a trial run of divorce. My therapist says that he said that because he is running from his feelings...not me or the kids. His guilt and shame. But I accept that. I forgive him.
We have an appointment with the family therapist this coming Monday. I'm so nervous about it that I can't eat. I feel as if I am going to throw up. I have just an unnerving gut feeling that he is going to tell me the words I am not wanting to hear...that he doesn't love me or he loves me, but I am in his way.
I know I have to wait, but I really don't want to be a puppet and hang on to the hope he still loves me and that our marriage will be strong after marriage counseling and individual counseling and him attending his meetings and calling his sponsor.
I know he will want to go out with his rehab buddies. I will feel completely left out. I have no friends or family in the town we live in. My family and friends are over 45 mins away. I honestly don't want to see them right now. I can't handle their pity messages.
He and I have always relied on each other for emotional support. Now I can't be his and I don't even know if he wants to be mine. This is so heart wrenching. I don't know what to do or where to turn or prod him for answers or act aloof...I don't know. I'm so tired of crying everyday all day. I need to know...I need to know if he will ever be in love with me again. If I had known he wouldn't love me the same, honestly I might not have threatened him to go or I would leave him. Knowing I never would though. He was my best friend...I love him so much.

CodeJob

Hi MRobinson.

I am sorry you are hurting and that your mind is whirling. Here is what helped me start focusing on me:

• "Worry is like praying for what you don't want."
• The Serenity Prayer
• Journaling on Steps 1-2.
• One Day at a Time (I have a big tendency to future trip or plan out for way too many contingencies)
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• Reading a ton and posting too on SR
• Counseling for Me
• The Language of Letting Go by Beattie (a daily reader)
• Just for Today (small Al Anon brochure)

d

I am 11 months out on 'my recovery.' I'm not 100% great at focusing on myself, but I am much better than I was a year ago. Also when I do get worked up and focused elsewhere, sometimes I recognize it right away and manage to shut myself down. I'll accept that improvement too.

There should be some good advice here for you hopefully from other posters. All the best to you.

mrobinson622

I like your first point. I think that and trying to predict the future are my worst attributes. That is the biggest challenge in my life. I don't know how to let go. I still harbor hurt feelings for things that happened to me as a child (like 10 years old). I am in therapy, but I can't see my dr everyday (though I really and truly wish I could). Today, I wrote out a list of positive things that are happening because of him being in rehab and I wrote my fears (which was ALOT longer) and I wrote what I hoped for and then a message to him. He has a day pass on Sunday and he's gonna come home. I'm scared he's going to not being the nurturing kind man who loves me despite my insecurities. I know he isn't 100% secure, but he is more secure than me. He has started loving things about himself. I don't like ANYTHING about myself. I want to present to him that I am, but inside I'm terrified. Am I so wrong or selfish for wanting my marriage to work and be what it was before. I knew he did pills recreationally when we met, but I didn't know how far in he was. he hid it well for about a year but then I started noticing tendencies a lot and him acting different and that is how I knew. I'm going to have to get to know a man I don't know anymore. Worry worry worry...it's all I do! Im going to go to a NA meeting tonight so that I can get further insight into how he feels and the struggles he deals with on a daily basis. That might help me be better too...more understanding, but at the same time making me more understanding of myself.

MissFixit

Hi M Robinson,

This thread is from 5 years ago. Do you want to start a new one, just for you? I think the mods can transfer what you have written, but not sure.

CodeJob

Hi,

When I went and met my H at rehab (he was out of state so I only visited him for family programming), I actually did not say a lot. I let him talk. I listened. I was amazed at how good he looked. Part of me was jealous that I did not get 28 days to figure out my codie brain away from daily life.

It is true that the man I now live with is not exactly my H. This is the longest he has been sober in our 20 year marriage.

Just be there for him. I tried to share some of my anxieties with my H during his rehab and it did not go over well. Look up Drama Triangles and see if you recognize any relationship patterns. Those are a big help to me recognizing me trying to manipulate situations - and sometimes when my H does it too!

I hope you like the other meeting better. Just keep trying and reading and reaching out.

freetosmile

Just want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have never been in your spot, but I literally teared up reading your post. I'm here because I am an addict and I have an AH. Both in recovery by 2 and 3 days. I find that when I feel sick with the prospect of heartache, loving on my kids helps tremendously. Just enjoying their innocence and unconditional love for me is enough to take the pain away. At least for a little while. You love this man deeply and it shows in your post. I also try to give my fears to God. I talk to Him a lot. Please stay strong, you are loved. Even if you don't feel that right now. Abandonment, or fear of, is so scary and lonely. But you are strong! Don't underestimate your ability to be strong! God Bless you